Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween!!

I'm not too thrilled with this holiday this year; mostly because I can't eat donuts and candy like I used to. And also because I live in an apartment, and can't even pass it out to other people. But I am going to have some cider here when they serve it (I'm at the office) and politely decline the obligatory donuts.

I'm feeling a bit better, but still under the weather. As expected, I'm up a pound to 124.5. But that's still down from 127.5 on wednesday!!

Yesterday breakfast and lunch went as planned. I had oats, and some homemade kale/potato soup. It was really really yummy, and I have enough leftovers for several lunches now! Hopefully the hubby will ingest some though, because eating potatoes at every meal probably isn't the best idea.

I was going stir-crazy by the time he had to go to UPS at about 5:00. I decided to get out and get a little exercise, so he dropped me off at the mall. I wandered for about an hour, then sat down and ate a Subway Club sandwich on flatbread and an apple. Supposedly the sandwich is only 320 calories, but I do not believe them. I'm thinking it was more like 500. But still well within my calories for the day!!

I wandered another couple hours, trying on cute outfits and buying a book for Husband. I tried on a cute pair of jeans and they FIT! And my bottom looked good, and it didn't cut into my belly flub! It took everything in me not to buy them; hopefully, if I did, they wouldn't fit in a few weeks anyway, so I'll wait and find something even better!!!

I think I'm going to stop putting in a meal plan... I've been changing it too much. I'm still going to track calories, and write here what I ate the day before, but I hate repeating myself. Serously. I hate repeating myself.

So the office today has a fairy, a bumblebee, a pregnant pumpkin, a nurse, a squaw, and Inspector Gadget. I dressed as an 80's hair band groupie last year, but I completely forgot a costume this morning! Too bad; now I don't have to feel stupid all day like the receptionist in her bee costume :) She looks adorable, but I get a bit too paranoid!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

I'm sick :(

I'm sitting at home in bed today. I had a LOOOONNNGGGG day yesterday! After work, I ended up going to my cousin's son's 5th birthday party. A lot of screaming children all night; and the first test of my diet! I stuck to my diet plan for breakfast and lunch. Dinner definitely changed. Here is what I ended up eating after lunch:

rice noodle soup with a little chopped chicken added in (only 200 calories). Then I went to the party and had a handful of torilla chips and some salsa, a coke, half a piece of cake, and a small scoop of icecream. I avoided the nachos, pizza, and candy corn!! (okay, I did take 1 original candy corn and 1 caramel candy corn... but 2 kernels isn't bad!!!).

I got home and added everything up; 1500 calories per my-calorie-counter.com. I was still hungry, even though it was almost 300 calories more than the other days this week! I had some carrots and hummus.

When my husband got back, we had a big argument. We laid in bed fighting for two hours, and I didn't get to sleep until almost midnight. I hate that; we have only been married 3.5 years. We don't see divorce as an option, but we are both so unhappy. I know that I need to go to God and put his trust in him; but it's hard when my faith is on rocky soil.

At 4:00 am, I woke up with terrible terrible pains in my stomach! A muscle in my neck hurt really bad, and I was doubled over and groaning. I went into the bathroom and threw up. Husband got me some water and a bowl and I crawled back in bed, but I didn't sleep much. At 8:00, I called the office and told them I wouldn't be in. I HATE doing that; I've only called in twice in the 3 years I've worked there. But sometimes you just gotta do it!

I fell back asleep and got up at 11:00. I feel 90% better and I'm eating my oats.

Weight today? 123.5. That's incredible!! But considering I threw up last night, understandable; and unfortunately probably not too accurate. I guess we'll see!

today:

Breakfast: banana and PB oatmeal
lunch: potato soup
dinner: grilled ham sandwich with laughing cow and whole wheat bread, bowl of mushroom/kale soup

snacks: carrots and hummus, apple

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Time for some pics!



The one in front is me... probably the most unflattering picture ever of me. Do NOT let a fat girl climb on a bug and ride it like a horse. It just looks humorous.





I decided it's time for you (or for now Debby, my first loyal bloggie friend!) to see more of me!! Seeing as I've gained about 80 lbs in 3.5 years, it's understandable that I'm embarrassed of pictures of me. Most of these I've hidden in a secret crevice in my wall (okay, not really). But I like a couple of them.. the two at the bottom especially. They don't show my body, and my double chin is covered in the last one!


The picture above this is on my way "up" with my weight. This was the Christmas before last. I'm the one in the tan corduroys, completely blocking my husband! I'm probably about 200 here.



This one is of myself, my mother in law, and my purple husband. We were taking a walk. See how I flipped my arms way out? I thought they'd look skinnier if they weren't squished against me. I was wrong...




I was so embarrassed of this picture! I am covering my stomach, and blocking my body with my leg. I have a small head, and all my weight looks really wierd on me.



This is Matthew, me, and my beautiful sister Becca. I'm pretty happy with this picture; the low lightig is flattering on me, although my eyes are squinty!


That's my gorgeous husband next to me - icy blue eyes! This was taken at the apple orchard.
There's a look into my life; I used to have long hair, but as I got heavier, it was very unflattering. To my hubbie's chagrin, I chopped it. I think it slims my face, and he even says it's cute now!!

Skinny Minnie, here I come!

Yesterday was too chilly here for me to be content with a salad for dinner – especially after having a cold lunch!!

When I got home, Husband had a cup o’hot chocolate waiting for me (aren’t they wonderful?). I climbed into bed with him and sipped the chocolate while we talked about our days. Once he left for work, I got to work on dinner. I heated up the acorn squash and ate that with a little salt and pepper (what? You don’t NEED butter on squash?! That’s a new development!). It was really good! Normally I eat half margarine/half squash. I knew if I started with the margarine I’d just add too much, so I didn’t even start.

For my warm dinner, I had breakfast! I made an omelette with 1 egg +2 additional egg whites. I put in about ¼ cup chopped chicken, half a cup spinach, and a laughing cow. It was a little bit on the bland side, but it satisfied my craving for something warm!

At about 7:30, I got the munchies. I decided that instead of having the chocolate soy milk (like planned), I’d switch it. I’d had hot chocolate already, anyway! So I grabbed a little hummus and some raw green beans and munched while doing some housework. At 8:00, I settled into my spot to watch the Biggest Loser. What a great show! If I had someone to crack the whip that way with me, I’d be a skinny minnie!

End result of yesterday’s meals: 1310 calories. ON TARGET!!

So, here’s today’s menu –
Breakfast: Oats with ½ banana and some cinnamon mixed in
Morning snack: apple
Lunch: Whole wheat wrap with 1 laughing cow, 1 tablespoon hummus, ½ cup chopped chicken, ½ cup spinach, plus some carrots
Afternoon snack: cottage cheese and apples. Last night I chopped up an apple and simmered it with some cinnamon and a packet of splenda. Less calories than the applesauce, and more “natural”, so we’ll see how that goes!
Dinner: Spaghetti squash with corn, black beans, and a little salsa
Evening snack – choc soy milk!

FYI – another pound down today – I’m at 226.5. My goal by the end of November is to be down to 210. My family is coming for Thanksgiving, and I would LOVE to fit into some of my older, cuter clothes I have tucked away! Right now I’m a size 20 in pants. I’d LOVE to be a 16, so that I can shop at New York and Company again!!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Fun tidbit of the day –

My mom and dad are dating.

I’ve known this now for about 4 months (they hid it for a few before that). When I was 9, they divorced after 14 years of marriage. They stayed divorced… and now that it’s been 14 years, and they’re back on again! I hope this isn’t a cycle…

My dad is a good man; a great man, actually. Through it all, he has been there for my family. When my mom’s drunk boyfriend came pounding on the door, she would call him and he’d come get all three of us, mom included. When she was out of work, he paid more than required. When we wanted to go to camp, or on missions trips, he found a way to manage. Until I was 19, he lived in a 1968 trailer so that he could afford to pay my mom’s mortgage payment; he didn’t want Becca and I to lose the house we grew up in. He is a man I will respect and admire forever.

My mom married young. He was her first REAL relationship. After so many years, she started wondering if there was more out there. To be fair, Dad did start to get complacent. There were issues on both ends, from what I understand. Long story short –

Mom wanted divorce. Dad gave in. Dad stayed in love with Mom. Mom finds deadbeat boyfriend for a decade. Mom finally dumps deadbeat. Mom has health problems; Dad begins showering her with cards, stuffed animals, and visits. Things seem to click. And now Dad drives to Grand Rapids from Chicago every other weekend to see her *ahem* I mean us.

Weird? Yes. But we’ll see where it goes. I don’t want his heart to get broken again. I don’t want things to end terribly. But I do love seeing them both happy. My mom hasn’t been loved or wooed in decades. It’s nice to see her blush, or to see her out doing things.

Life is funny sometimes.

Day Two... and feelin' good!

I think, for my own benefit, I am going to post my expected menu on here each morning. That way, the next day, I will have to ‘fess up to what I didn’t stick to! One sad note - after eating pizza, fried chicken, and sherbet over the weekend, I lost a pound. By eating healthy yesterday, I GAINED IT BACK! I need to just assume it is water weight, because I did well though...

Yesterday was perfect, except I skipped out on the last snack and hot chocolate (hummus and carrots). I didn’t end up having dinner until 7:30, and I was full all evening. That wrap and squash was awesome!

Total calories (taken from my-calorie-counter.com): 1233. Perfect! I would like to be in the 1200-1300 range while trying to lose.

Today’s menu:

Breakfast – banana peanut butter oats, cup of coffee with 1 packet splenda, no creamer
Morning snack – honeycrisp apple
Lunch – 1 light n’fit yogurt, 7 reduced fat triscuits (1 serving), 1 laughing cow, 2 pieces deli ham, 1 small banana
Afternoon snack – cottage cheese n’applesauce!
Dinner – the other half of the squash and a chicken/spinach salad with all the fixins (but no fatty dressing – I’m having my strawberry vinaigrette again!)
Evening snack – cup of chocolate soy milk

I don’t really think I need a SNACK snack in the evening after dinner… two is enough for the day. But I do need something, and I adore chocolate soymilk. I’ll give some of my calories so that I can sip on that chocolatey-goodness while watching THE BIGGEST LOSER!!

My biggest problem is getting active. I know that when I exercise, the weight starts to drop off much quicker. But it’s so hard to actually get out there! We are living in a TINY studio apartment until we leave for China (we have whittled down our belongings so that they will fit in storage). It works to LIVE in, because we don’t really have enough furniture for a living room anyway… but seriously, it’s 360 square feet (including storage closet, kitchen, bathroom, living space). There isn’t even room for me to do my pilates DVDs! I have gone out for a walk a couple times, but it’s such a bad area to walk… not dangerous, but incredibly blah. We are situated at the back of the complex, and its all on ONE winding road that’s about half a mile from the main road. There is nowhere to go but that one way. When you get to the main road, it’s a very busy one, with no neighborhoods around. I get to walk past Wendy’s, Dunkin’ Donuts, and Baskin Robbins. Talk about torture! There’s really no other option, though; Matthew takes the car to work in the evening, and there isn’t a gym in our complex. So out walking we shall go!! The running thing is too much right away, I decided. I need to work my way up. But I need to get my lazy butt OUT there!!!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Closet Dungeons and Dragons player. Pitiful.

Update – 2lbs down!!! Doesn’t seem like much, but considering my weekend, that’s awesome! On Friday we rented a movie and went over to my mom’s house. Me, husband, mom, and lil’ sis watched “Good Luck Chuck”. Raunchy, but funny. Dane Cook is absolutely hilarious in almost anything he does. The catch – we ordered a pizza from Pizza Hut. I was a good girl – I drank a bottle of unsweetened tea, and had 1 piece of pizza and 2 breadsticks. Not healthy, but not terrible either. Normally I would have 2 or 3 pieces!

I made a strata Friday night and popped it in the oven the next morning. It had eggs, skim milk, lean ham, spinach, summer squash, and hash browns. I had a square of that for breakfast. At 8:30 am on Saturday, we packed up and drove to Frankenmuth with the inlaws- that’s about a three hour drive. Frankenmuth is the cutest little town in Michigan! It has a year-round Christmas store that is HUGEmongous. I love it to death; Christmas is my happy time. Also, they have a restaurant that serves “family style” chicken dinners. These means that they bring out bowls of each dish and you all share, and pass the dishes around the table. You get a free dinner during your birth month. My hubby and his mom both have birthdays in September, so each couple gets a free meal (which is needed, because it’s $20 a plate!!). I ate, but I ate pretty well. I had one chicken breast, a slice of bread with apple butter on it, and about 2 spoonfuls each of potatoes, gravy, butter noodles, and stuffing. I also had two helpings of squash, no butter. For dessert I had 1 scoop of orange sherbet.

We walked around town all afternoon. We went to the bakery, where I got a loaf of bread. We went into a cute little shop where I got some salt and pepper shakers for mom’s x-mas present (she collects them). We went to a popcorn shop, where I didn’t buy anything, but everyone else did. I knew I couldn’t buy plain popcorn, and I do NOT need caramel.. so best to avoid completely!!

We got home around 7:30. I was starving!! I didn’t really feel like cooking after such a long day, and 6 hours of sitting in a car. I had some more breakfast casserole.

Sunday had the strata again. We lounged around home for the morning. At noon, I made us some fabulous salads!! I normally hate salad, but this was amazing. I mixed half romaine, half spinach. I cut up an apple, a summer squash, carrots, and some lean turkey. I tossed it all with a little strawberry balsamic vinegar, then put a little feta on top. We ate it with half an apple and some carrots to munch on. It kept me full all afternoon, which really surprised me!

Then *Amy blushes in shame* I did the unthinkable; I played Dungeons and Dragons. Or “D & D” if you’re a nerd like my brother in law!!! J

Matthew has wanted to play with his brother for quite awhile. I know there are many Christians who have a bad opinion of the game; and in some instances, it isn’t a good game! But everyone playing (with the exception of one guy that brother-in-law is trying to reach out to) is a Christian. It’s a good time of fellowship, provided you go in with the right attitude. I just don’t like playing because it makes me feel silly, and I have some stereotypes about D&D players. Anyway, we were over there for 4 hours doing “character creation”. I had a cup of black coffee, and a small hunk of whole what baguette. When I got home, I wasn’t too hungry – amazing! I had some reduced fat triscuits, lean turkey, and sharp cheddar. I also had some raw green beans that I dipped in a tablespoon of hummus. At about 9:00, my stomach was rumbling. I had some carrots and a little bit of mushroom and kale soup. The soup was soooo easy and light!!

Mushroom and Kale Soup
4 cups vegetable broth
2 cups chicken broth
1 lb white mushrooms, sliced
Half a bunch of kale, stems removed and leaves chopped
2 tsp chinese five spice

I just brought the broth to a boil, then threw in the mushrooms and spice and simmered until mushrooms were softened. I then threw the kale in and simmered until just wilted.

This is almost NO calories, and was the perfect thing to tide me over.

Today’s menu (Which I WILL stick to!)

Breakfast: 1 serving oats with half a banana and a tablespoon of PB mixed in (it was DELICIOUS!)
Morning snack: ½ cup lowfat cottage cheese with ½ unsweetened apple sauce mixed in (my FAVORITE.)
Lunch: Mushroom and Kale soup
Afternoon snack: green beans and hummus with 10 wheat thins
Dinner: chicken wrap (Chicken breast, spinach, red peppers, feta cheese). May also eat some acorn squash with a LITTLE butter.
Evening snack: carrots and hummus, 1 mug of hot chocolate

I’m trying to eat more mini-meals and fewer big meals. This keeps me fuller. And a fuller Amy is a happier Amy!!!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

I have had a good last few days. Yesterday was Husband’s birthday. We celebrated early on Monday by going to Mongolian Barbecue for dinner (you get a free meal on your birthday!). I made myself a stirfry with chicken, broccoli, edamame, carrots, peas, onions, and bean sprouts. I put 2 scoops of peanut sauce in it and an egg. They grilled it up, and I ordered some brown rice to eat along with it. I ate about half of my dinner, and packed the rest up for lunch the next day. We then rented the movie “Mongol” (keeping with the Mongolia theme) and went home to watch it. I do admit, I had ice cream. But all in all, I was proud of myself that day. Tuesday we both had the day off work. We woke up, ate some breakfast (I had yogurt, a hard boiled egg, and a plum) and hit the road. We went to the nature center, where we looked at the wild animals and walked the trails. We hiked about 2.5 miles. The trees were gorgeous, and we had good conversation. I wish all exercise was that easy! I didn’t do so well for lunch, though. We went to applebees and split some boneless hot wings, and I ordered the spinach dip and chips. I ate half. Not the most nutritious lunch in the world! We went home, watched a movie, did some housework. At 7:30 we went to Barnes and Noble to meet the inlaws. I ordered an iced chai tea, and sipped it over the course of an hour and a half.

Yesterday I did awesome. I had an apple, egg, and yogurt for breakfast. I had the leftovers from my stirfry for lunch. For dinner, we had a tossed salad (romaine, half an egg, a little cheese, no dressing). I then made an AWESOME meal, thanks to Rachel Ray! I pan fried pork in a tablespoon of olive oil. I cubed a butternut squash, peeled and cubed a honeycrisp apple, and mixed them up. I chopped an onion and cooked that in the pork oil until softened, then added the squash and apple, a bit of sage, and a cup of fresh apple cider. Once the squash was cooked, I salted and peppered to taste, and removed it from the pan. The cider was left, and I simmered that a couple minutes until it was thickened and poured it over the pork.

It was fabulous, and we have more squash left over for tonight!

Today I am going to go home at 4:00 and either take a walk, or attempt running. I’m not sure I should dive right into running; we’ll see. For dinner, I think I’m going to cook up a spaghetti squash we have had for awhile, and maybe throw in some onions, red peppers, and a little olive oil and parmesan. MMmmm… when I actually HAVE produce, I love to cook it.

As for my last post, it was rather heavy; there is something about blogging that makes me very open and honest. This is a good thing, although it’s scary to open myself up so much! I’ve been praying, and it feels good. We need to find a church. We left ours about a year ago due to doctrinal issues. We were attending a Baptist church, and felt that it was overwhelmingly judgemental of our fellow brothers and sisters, as well as the unbelievers around us. We wanted to find a church more loving, and with more effective outreach. Instead, we just fell apart. My husband took some classes in school that are testing his faith (philosophy, science..) and we haven’t found a new church. We know we don’t want to return to a Baptist Church, but we don’t know what we should try? We briefly attended a Methodist church, but the messages there were very “fluffy” without much substance, and it seemed like a very showy church. We aren’t turned off from Methodist as a whole, but that specific church is out. I know that there are issues I disagree with within Catholicism, but besides that, I’m not sure! I think we pick at the details too much. I’ve looked at some Lutheran sites. I want to avoid the “mega-churches” in the area… and I want to attend somewhere with a true biblical foundation. Knowing that we’re leaving the country for a year in March makes it hard to commit to a church.*sigh* Lord, I need your help…

Monday, October 20, 2008

Is God out there?

I grew up in a broken family. My parents divorced when I was 9 years old, and by the time I was 10 my mom had moved on to a new man. I grew up around drunks, occasional potheads. My father is a good man. He always looked out for my sister and me; and my mom. My mom dated a deadbeat loser from the time I was 10 until about a year ago. This man has scarred me for life. This man has created wounds in my heart that will never heal.

Brad has three kids of his own; two boys and a daughter. He hasn’t been a father to them at any point in their lives. He had a good paying manufacturing job when he started dating my mom, but promptly quit when he was offered a raise smaller than he would have liked. He was on work release at the time, serving time for his second drunk driving offense. I’ve always wondered what made my mom be with him; the only thing I can think of is low self esteem. My parents had been together from the time my mom was 16. Dad was basically the only boyfriend my mom had ever had. When me and my sister started growing up, she started realizing that she hadn’t experienced a lot of things; what if she could do better? What she ended up with was a stupid man (truly stupid. I’m not just being negative) who doesn’t know how to care for anyone but himself. Want an example of his stupidity? He thinks the guys who block the goals in soccer are called “Goldies”. Anyway, if he had a good heart, this would be okay. But he doesn’t. I would sit and listen to them scream at each other all night long. On nights he’d come home drunk, mom would lock him out and he’d pound on the door for hours. Then he’d come to my bedroom window pleading for me to let him in.

God was my strength. My family was not “religious”. My parents both claim to believe in God, but have never been practicing, church going Christians. I, however, followed a different path. At the age of three, I found my very best friend. Her name was Kristin and she lived 3 doors down. We did everything together. Went to school, played barbies, made snow men. Her mom baby-sat my sister and I for a couple years. When I hit elementary school, I started attending her church’s AWANA program. My mom was always willing to let me attend church with her family. For years I attended Wednesday services. In junior high I also started attending Sunday services. Her family became my refuge. The more I learned about God, the less lonely and bitter I felt.

I never dated in high school. I never smoked, never did drugs. Heck, I didn’t even swear. Gee whiz, I never even said HECK!!! I was the epitome of a good Christian girl. I was a freak of nature, given the whole “nature vs. nurture” thing. I could have rebelled, could have become everything my family feared I would based on my upbringing. But I didn’t. I will never forget what Kristin’s family has done for me. Actually, more accurately, how God blessed me by putting her family in my life.

Even with my faith in God, I was a weak soul. I was a cutter, and I was depressed. I cried all the time. I put on a brave face and became the “funny” friend. I am funny. Hilarious, even. I was a flirt at church. While I never dated boys, or even kissed one, I was outgoing and bubbly and all the boys enjoyed being around me. The girls enjoyed being my friend. The leaders respected me because of how I was, given my “family life”. I sang in choir, and took leadership roles in my high school youth group. It was only a matter of time before I fell.

I was determined to go to a Christian college. I got my wish, and started attending my freshman year. The college life was hard. I commuted, and didn’t make friends like the other people in my class. But church was another story. I joined the college group and automatically fit in. One guy, 5 years older than me, asked me to go to a wedding with him. I was blown away. Did I actually get asked out on a date?! He was a hockey player; he was asian, but was built and was taller than me. He definitely wooed me. We went out our first date after the wedding and it was such a fun day. He picked me up and we went to the movie theater. We shared a bowl of Coldstone ice cream, then watched Finding Nemo. After that, we went to Babies R’ Us to pick out a Halloween costume for his baby niece. We went for sushi, where he spent $100 on dinner. He made me try it all; it was so exciting! We left dinner and stopped by a party his friend was throwing. He had a beer, which seemed huge to me! I was so uncomfortable; I didn’t eat Port Wine cheese! But it almost made him seem even more cool. After about half an hour, we called up some friends (my future husband and brother in law being 2 of them) and we all went bowling. At the end of the night, he dropped me off, gave me a hug, and peeled out of the driveway.

I was hooked. I went to every hockey game he had. He was the goalie, and a damn good one. We hung out all the time, but the relationship morphed into this weird… “thing”. We didn’t kiss. We stopped going out on dates. I didn’t go to all of his hockey games, since some of them were pretty far away. He’d call me at 1:00AM when he got back (his league’s games started at 9:00 or 10:00 pm) and I’d hop in my car and go over to his house. He lived in the basement of his parent’s house. I would come in really quiet, so I didn’t wake them, and go downstairs. We’d watch movies for hours. He started getting more physical. He’d give me backrubs, or take his shirt off and ask me to give him one. We’d lay on the floor and he’d start rubbing my stomach or reaching up my shirt; pretty innocent by much of the world’s standards, but not by mine! But I would freeze, and I never told him to stop. Things progressed further, but I won’t go into detail. We never had sex. We never had any other “version” of sex. But I went much farther than I had ever planned on going before marriage. All without ever having kissed! I felt used. He stopped talking to me at church; he stopped coming altogether most of the time. But he still called me. And I still went. And my grades were slipping, my friends were feeling pushed away. I would get home at 5:00 am, go to sleep, get up at 7:00 and go to class. Then I’d get out of class at 4:00, waitress until 10:00, and go home and wait for his call again. It took awhile for me to realize his drinking problem. I think I knew, but didn’t want to believe it. He smelled like alcohol. He’d forget conversations we had.

I finally grew a pair (yeah, I know, I can’t grow a pair. But I’ve always wanted to use that phrase) and told him one night that I was done. I told him that I felt guilty over what we’d been doing, and that I needed to put my relationship with God first. I told him we couldn’t do that anymore. He told me okay, and that was that. I was torn up about it. I didn’t have serious feelings for him; I barely knew the real person under his mask. But I was devastated by how I handled the situation. I had always thought I was strong, and could tell a man no. I caved, and never said a word to him. He probably thought I was easy, even! My walls started to crumble.

Enter Matthew. A guy I’d been friends with since freshman year. The guy that I had always turned to with my problems, my spiritual struggles. The only male other than my dad I had ever said “I love you” to, and that had said it back. We started dating only months after my “fling” with Buff Hockey Asian Man ended. We fell in love immediately, and married within a year.

Yes, long story. The end of the story? My faith is in shambles. My strong spiritual leader of a husband is doubting all aspects of his faith. We haven’t been to church in months. I don’t know what to do, or how to fix it. I pray, and then I give up. I search for a church, and we never go. I try to talk to him, and he tells me he doesn’t believe in God anymore. My life feels meaningless.

How do I try to change myself for the better, when I feel like my life has no meaning? When I feel like I’m destined for hell, and I don’t care enough to change it?

If you are a believer, please pray for me. Share with me some encouragement, verses, anything. I am desperate and alone.

a good day.

Breakfast: 1 hard boiled egg, 1 whole wheat waffle with 1 tbsp pb and a drizzle of honey
Morning snack: 100 calorie strawberry yogurt and 15 almonds
Lunch: whole wheat wrap with turkey, romaine lettuce, red bell pepper, and a small handful of shredded cheddar. 1 boiled egg and 1 plum
Afternoon snack: will be 1 large honeycrisp apple (mmmm, these are AMAZING! I’m eyeing it already…)
Dinner: I’m planning on pan-frying pork chops with a little bit of oil, and some dash seasoning. Also having cubed butternut squash and a salad.
Evening snack: a mug of hot fresh squeezed spiced cidar!

If anyone has started reading this blog yet, does anyone have opinions on my first gung-ho non-slimfast diet day? What am I doing right? What am I doing terribly wrong?

I want to be a runner. I hate running, but I’ve ALWAYS wanted to be a runner. Being able to run long distance seems like the epitome of good health to me. I’ve always struggled. Even when I was in full-blown tennis mode in high school, and could endure 4 hour singles matches, I had a hard time running a mile. I know I’m doing it wrong. My posture, strides, breathing, everything. This is my goal this week; find out what I’m doing wrong. I want to be a runner. I just have to get over the embarrassment of being that fat girl that everyone passes in their car. You know what I’m talking about; people will look at me and think “this must be her first day running for sure!” or “yuck – nobody should have to see that”. I’m gonna jiggle, I’m gonna flop, I’m gonna huff and puff. But I’m gonna do it, and we’ll see who gets the last laugh!

(evil cackles)… HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Not such a good weekend.

So this weekend I went to a potluck and ate a bit too much. I only got a spoonful or two of each thing, but my paper plate was pretty loaded with things like homemade mac and cheese and little sweet weenies. Those are full of calories! I am proud, though, of what I did with the dessert table. I got half a piece of apple pie and a small bowl of yogurt with fresh fruit.

We had our annual cider-making party. Tons of extended family and about 500 apples that we grind, press, and run through cheesecloth. The cider is amazing, and has no sugar or anything added to it! I plan on having some with some cinnamon, served hot. That will be my treat tonight.

Last night I made white chicken chili and (eek) a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream. Yes, I know. Terrible. I bought it without even thinking, then ate it without thinking on PURPOSE.

Today I woke up really late and had some leftover chili at about 11:30. My husband and I watched a movie. I'm going grocery shopping tonight for some fresh produce. Hopefully next week will be better.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Yesterday was a good day.

I woke up and got to the office by 7:00. I immediately drank 2 glasses of water. At 8:00, I had a slimfast. At 10, I had an apple and a glass of water. I did leg lifts at my desk (really, what else can you do? Walk to the printer, to the bathroom… around the ring of cublicles). For lunch at 12:15 I had another slimfast and an orange, with water. I went home at 3:30, and did some stuff… drank some water. Then Matthew had to leave for work, and I decided I didn’t want to stick around home all night. Since he was going to be getting out at 9:00, I decided to have him drop me off at the mall. I ate dinner at 5:00. I had steamed rice, orange chicken, and steamed veggies with a glass of water. At about 8:00 I stopped at subway and got *gasp* apples and a small diet coke. Am I self-controlled or what? At least for one day. I walked around the mall all night, trying on funky dresses and cute tops. I got my exercise, and enjoyed myself. And the only thing I bought was a new sports bra!

What did I do that I could have done better? The first thing I think people would mention is that SlimFast isn’t the way to go; I should just eat more whole grains, produce, chicken, salads, veggies, blah blah blah. In a normal world, that would be best. But right now I need to be more disciplined, and have an easy plan. If I were to try to stick with that stuff, I’d end up eating too much and adding in pointless calories (ranch dressing, butter sauce…). I need to get myself away from all of those things for awhile. Once I see that I can start losing weight, I think seeing a change will spur me on.

I do see that I need more veggies, though. My day had a lot of fruit, but only 1 serving of veggies. So today I have an apple at work, and also some celery and carrot sticks. I think I will have broccoli with dinner tonight.

Also, orange chicken and steamed rice are not the best choices. Brown rice would have been better, but they didn’t have any. I figured steamed rice is better than fried rice. As for the chicken, it was breaded.. not too healthy. I was planning on getting the lower-calorie unbreaded bourbon chicken, but they weren’t serving it, and I caved.

Best of all? I am down 2 pounds from 3 days ago. To be honest though, I did start my period yesterday, which could have something to do with it.

I want to share with you a memory of my childhood that will always be seared into my memory.
I was a skinny child, right up until 5th grade. 5th grade was when I packed on a TON of weight. My parents divorced in 4th grade and I took it very hard. My dad moved in with grandma and grandpa. I visited them every other weekend, and every Wednesday. I ate muffins, pies, icecream, buttered popcorn. My grandma was heartbroken as well, and she would serve me 3 pieces of apple pie in a sitting. She’d send me and my little sister home wih baked goods every time. I started eating at home all the time. I went from being in childrens sizes in 5th grade, to wearing a women’s size 16 the summer before 6th grade. I was 186 pounds. My grandma brought me shopping for a new school outfit. I was so excited, and didn’t even realize how big I had gotten. I was a little girl! I went shopping, and found what I thought was the perfect outfit. The shirt was a collared t-shirt with stripes that met in a V in front. The stripes were brown, light brown, pea green, and bright green. To be fair, it was stylish at that point in time. I also bought corduroy pants, which were in style. I didn’t really know HOW to do style, though. So I got a pair of brown size 16 pants that were really tight around my ankles. I also got a pair of VANS skater shoes.

I looked ridiculous. Looking back now, I am so embarrassed and sad for myself. I showed up for my first day of middle school and immediately set myself up to be ridiculed. I was fat, and now I wore ugly clothes. I was also very shy, and didn’t have many friends. I was a cutter. Do you know what that is? Some people don’t. I would cut myself or scratch myself to cause pain. Mostly on my arms. A lot of people say they do it “to make the emotional pain go away”. I don’t think there was ever a conscious reason why I did it. I didn’t even realize I was doing it; but it started right after the divorce. I didn’t even HEAR about what cutting was until 8th grade, and yet I did it.

I often wonder what my life would have been like if I had never put on that initial weight. The summer before 8th grade I dropped a ton of weight and got down to 130 pounds. I didn’t really make any changes to my diet that I know of, I must have just hit puberty; but the damage was already done. The popular girls already saw me as a loser, and I had made myself a group of friends out of the misfits in school. It was horrible; we were all embarrassed that we were friends with each other, but we needed friends. Kids can be so horrible. I could be so horrible. In high school I joined the tennis team and sang in choir. I joined some clubs, and started to make my way up the social ladder. By the time I graduated I was one of those people right in the middle. Not popular, but the popular people would joke and laugh with me, and ask me how I was doing instead of putting gum in my hair in class (as two girls did in 7th grade).

If I had started in the middle, would I have worked my way up? If I hadn’t found comfort in food in 5th grade, would I turn to food now for comfort? If my parents hadn’t divorced, would I be skinny and beautiful now like my mom and sister are? My mom is 5’5 and 115 lbs. My sister is 5’2 and 125 lbs, and a total knockout. She’s 21 and has this perfect body and skin, and gets all da boys (not that I want all da boys, I caught myself the best one already. But it would be nice to feel like I COULD, ya know?). I love her to death, but I have been jealous of her for years. I am almost double her size. I AM double my mom’s size.

I want to get to the root of my issues, so that I can fix them. But I’m afraid of what I’ll find when I get there. I’ve quit cutting. I still binge on food quite often. I do have friends, although not as many as I’d like. I pushed them away when I was 18 and started dating my husband. We were completely focused on each other for the first couple years. Now I am clingy and whiney and dependant on him. I’m working on that, though. I know that I’m pushing him away by being that way. And on top of that, I feel so unattractive that our love life is seriously dwindling. He tells me I’m gorgeous at any size, but I just can’t believe that. I look at myself and think “where are those high cheekbones my mom has always complimented me on? Where is my delicate jaw? Where is the hourglass figure I had in high school? Why does my butt sag now, when I used to have this blam-in-your-face J Lo booty? Why can’t my favorite Bad Duck shirt not fit anymore?”

*sigh*. It’s a work in progress. And research in progress, I suppose.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Gonna pack my bags and move to the EAST!

China. Land of veggies and lean meats. Land of small people. Land of stores in which they do NOT carry my size.

This is the land I am moving to next year. My husband and I are going to teach English through an organization. We are hoping to leave in March, if we are able to afford the trip by December. If we don’t get the funds by then, we will be leaving next September. While I am insanely excited about the opportunity, I also have many fears. One big one has to do with my weight. Being a bigger girl here in the states is embarrassing enough; I can’t shop at my favorite stores anymore. Sometimes when I stand up, I take plastic chairs with me. When I stand straight, my arms stick out a bit because of the flesh under them. I even own a few maternity shirts because they “look cuter”. Only I got called out on it one time when someone said “That is such a cute shirt!” And then someone else said “Wait, isn’t that from the maternity section at Target? DO YOU HAVE NEWS?!”

No, I didn’t have news. I just couldn’t find an empire waisted shirt that fit me correctly with my new found roundness.

Anyway, we’re shipping off to China. And there are positives and negatives to this. One positive is that I will almost SURELY lose weight. We will be walking a lot, biking, and eating very healthy. We will nto be watching TV. We will not be eating popcorn and ice cream all the time. But with this comes my many fears.
Clothes. If I lose weight, I’ll need new clothes. But its extremely hard to find plus sized clothes in China. And I only have so much space to pack my “hopeful” smaller sizes in.
Stares. From what I hear, we’ll be stared at. Especially if we are in a smaller town or city. And with my husband having ice blue eyes and a shaved head, we’ll get more looks. And with me looking like a female version of the Pillsbury dough boy, we’ll get even more.
I have no energy. Will I be strong enough to do all the things we want to do? We want to travel, climb mountains. Right now I am NOT in shape for that.

So now what? I have to lose weight before leaving. My goal is to lose 30 lbs in 5 months. Should be perfectly doable. That will get me back into the 100’s. Eventually, my goal is 145 lbs. I am 5’7, and it’s within my healthy weight range. In high school, during my sophomore year, I weighed 145 and loved it; my clothes fit perfect, I could run an 8 minute mile, and I could play tennis for 2 hours without feeling ready to pass out. I would really like to reach that weight by the time I return from China, but I don’t really know how to set goals for when I’m there. I may not have a scale, and I have no idea what food will be available.

Why China? Good question. My husband is halfway through his bachelors degree. I have a little over a year under my belt. We both eventually want to continue school, but neither of us really know what we want to do with our lives. Do I want to be a stay at home mom? A writer? A lawyer? An editor? Does he want to teach, or work in a museum? We decided it was time to take ourselves out of our comfort zones and away from our “things”, and the stress of life. When else will we have the chance to move across the world? We have no debt, no house, no kids. It’s time for an adventure!

You may be wondering how we can do this without a college degree. I thought the same thing myself! Actually, China has a huge need for English teachers. Many provinces require at least a bachelors degree in order to teach in public schools. In the western or northern parts of the country however, this isn’t always the case. Private language schools will hire high school graduates with a good grasp of the English language. We will be taking a training program online to teach us techniques for teaching English as a foreign language. We’re not sure where we’ll be placed, it all depends on what jobs are available, and when we get our paperwork and money all in.

So, basically… I’m asking for bunches of prayers on that front, as well as for endurance in weight loss. I need to get healthy. I need to get fit. I need to WANT it enough to just do it.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

That required introduction

Yeah, this is one of those. Seriously, I wish it wasn't necessary. The last thing I want to do is spend my night writing out my life story just so that y'all can have some background on what "makes me tick". So I'm going to keep it short and sweet, and move on to the outpouring of useless emotions that we women sometimes need. I'll keep them in bullet points to make things seem even less complicated:
  • Amy: 23 yr old married female
  • I spend at least 8 hours a day in solitary confinement (aka "cubicle") doing medical billing in a crooked office
  • I am completely confused about what I want in life, which will become more and more obvious
  • I am fat. 229 lbs fat, to be exact.
  • I get fat FAST. 3.5 years ago I was in a wedding dress, and 153 lbs. That's 76 new "love lbs".
  • I have huge confidence issues. HUGE.
  • My childhood was messed up. So I'm a beautiful mess.
  • I'm trying halfheartedly to change my ways.

There you go... that last bullet was painfully honest. I want to be someone new, someone different. I want to be a better wife, a better daughter, a better friend. I want to lose weight, and feel good about myself. I want to see the beauty in myself that Matthew sees. I want my fear about flapping fat and red stretch marks to stop smashing my love life to pieces. I want to stop judging my mom and start loving her more. I want my sister to become my friend. I want to feel that I am good at something. I want to stop eating. I want to start walking. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself and start feeling proud. I want to feel smart the way that I did when I was in school. I want to go somewhere public with my husband without feeling like everyone is wondering what he is doing with a piggie like her. I want to hate chocolate. I want to hate wet burritos, and cheeseburgers, and bacon, and donuts. I want to be able to buy my favorite jeans from Express again. I want to go back to being "pear shaped" instead of "apple shaped". I want to have a perky butt again. I want to enjoy having the spotlight on me instead of wanting to hide.

But I don't TOTALLY want all of that. I don't want to put the work into it. That's what a lot of us are like, aren't we? I read blogs all the time, but this is the first one I've decided to write and stick with myself. I'm often struck by how easy they make weight loss, or parenting, or life in general seem. Life is HARD. Weight loss is HARD. Marriage is HARD (parenting will wait a few years, I hope). But I hope that renewing my passion for writing will ignite a fire under my tookus that will get the ball rolling.

Now that we know what I want to accomplish (we being myself and my imaginary audience, since in reality I am the only one who even knows this blog exists), it's time for the first big confession.

I eat loads of crap. Its no big mystery to me why I got fat. Before I got married, I waitressed 4 nights a week, and stocked groceries another 15 hours a week. I bent, squatted, walked, and lifted all day, every day. I was obsessed with my boyfriend, and frequently forgot to eat on a regular basis. I was working 30+ hours a week, taking 15 college credits, and spending every spare moment with Matthew. I would skip breakfast, go to school, grab a pop tart for lunch, and then go to the restaurant. I would walk 15 miles in a night (yes, seriously. I wore a pedometer for my wellness class and I walked 13-15 miles every night at work). At 7:00 when things quieted down I would put an order in wih the cook for a half order or hash browns and 2 strips of bacon. Sometimes I would switch it up and order 2 eggs and steamed rice with chicken gravy on it. Wierd, I know. But I worked in a tiny family restaurant that served breakfast/burgers/steak/pasta/chinese food. It was a wierd mix. When I got home I would crash into bed until 6:00 the next morning.

When I got married, I quit school. I found what I considered a "real" job at a medical billing company where I had 40 hours a week and health insurance. We get bagels with each new hire, potlucks with every new baby, wedding, and holiday, and leftovers after all the doctors meetings. And we definitely do NOT walk 15 miles a day. I quickly packed on the pounds. I eat too much, and exercise too little. I sit at home all evening, every evening. My husband works from the time I get home until bed time, and we have one car. This usually means I'm stranded at my tiny studio apartment all evening. To be fair, it is a short term situation. We're moving to China next year for 10 months, and are saving pennies. but it still makes it harder to be active than if I could drive around, walk around the mall, go to the gym, or hang out with friends. Today I had every intention of NOT EATING CRAP. I went to work with 2 slimfast shakes, an apple, an orange, and some nuts. Some for breakfast, some for lunch. An hour after getting there the doctors meeting let out and we had dibs on the bacon, eggs, potatoes, muffins, etc. And so I folded immediately and grabbed a plate. I also STILL drank my shake. At lunch I tried to fix things by only eating the orange; but when my husband picked me up, we stopped at McDonalds on the way home for dinner. I got a 6 piece mcnugget, medium fries, and a small reeses mcflurry. So much for that "no crap" day.

I need help here. I don't really know WHAT I need. Support? Online buddies? A cheer squad? Maybe. But I think mostly I just need a way to let my thoughts and emotions out without feeling like an idiot. So please don't call me an idiot, it would defeat the purpose.

I think this is enough for a first post. My fingers are hurting and I'm getting the munchies; I think I'll go soak in the tub.