Becoming Less of Me

I'm stuffed.

2010-03-26T15:15:00.000-07:00

Thought I'd add a China pic to see my new, slightly svelte form. When I started this blog, I was 23 lbs. In this pic I was 7 lbs lighter than I am now... 198. My hubby and I took a week's vacation with our two closest friends and jetted off to Beijing. This is at the Forbidden City. That trip was probably in my top 5 for best memories ever. Maybe top 2 or 3 even. Amazing. Gorgeous. And, of course, it helped that the couple we went with were (and are) some of the most amazing people I've ever met!!

Absolutely stuffed. I feel like Ive been eating all day, but it's been good stuff!

Breakfast: oatmeal (I forgot to bring pb or a banana to work to mix in... enter protein powder and 1/2 packet of sugar free hot cocoa)

Lunch: Salad buffet in my department at the office. Salad, a breadstick, carrotts, celery, cucumbers, fresh fruit

Dinner: 1/2 Panera Bread Chicken Artichoke sammie with a cup of vegetable pesto soup and an apple.

Really, I've eaten it all very close together. Now I have my whole evening and I have to watch it!!!

I've returned to my medical billing office. In this topsy turvy world, sometimes you must settle for the sure thing. I'd love to move on soon, but we'll see. Free benefits and good pay? Can I turn it down?

The hubbie is off for a game night with the boys. I, however, am off to visit some old friends and have a theological/philosophical evening. It should be wonderful to see old friends again and fellowship with them, something I've been desperately missing for a year.

I'm loving the blogs. I have a years worth of posts to read from many people. I've sure got some reading material to go through!

Scale today says 204. 1 lb down, at least. I must go, but I'll leave you with another tidbit of the day...

Get your walk on. In China, people walk or bike everywhere. The small cities haven't adopted Walmart mania yet, so you can actually walk to the butcher, then the bakery, then the open air veggie market, the bookstore, small independant tailors, bicycle repair shops, etc. I loved walking to the store, my friends' flats, and school.

I'm back!!!!

2010-03-24T17:22:00.000-07:00

I've returned to the lovely U.S. of A. Actually, I returned on 2/1. But I've been busy with life, moving, starting work, and generally just adjusting back into life in a western country. I love it; I hate it. I miss China :( But life here is good.

Since this is a DIET blog, I should give an update on that stuff first, I suppose. Well, towards the end of my time in China I was a naughty girl. I fell absolutely in love with authentic Chinese cooking. I went out to eat at least 3 or 4 nights a week. At one point, I was down to 194 lbs... but it crept back up to 209! Once I returned home, I went back on a healthy eating plan. I'm back down to 205, but it's a struggle. I've really learned the importance of exercise; but man, do I hate it!

I've moved to an area right near the heart of downtown. After living in Fuyang and enjoying the freedom of walking to the supermarket, the park, walking to the corner to buy milk or toilet paper, I wanted to capture that lifestyle here at home. I now live a couple blocks from everything. A YMCA (which I plan on joining once the finances get more stable), a grocery store, a butcher, coffee shops, a library, restaurants, the zoo... it's heaven!

The other thing I've mentioned here quite often is my marital relationship. I am happy to say that it is in the recovery stage. Living in China taught me a great many things. I've learned, grown, and become a better woman for it. The self confidence it has given me is very attractive to my husband, I think. We get along better. We enjoy more similar things. I have realized the importance of being my own person, with my own interests, friends, etc. And I love it!

Anyway, I have many blogs to catch up on. I regret that I was unable to blog in China. I had so many stories to tell! I guess I will just have to pepper them into my posts now that I'm home.

Chinese tidbit for the day:

Make eating more difficult! I understand now why so many Chinese people are at a healthy weight than Americans. Eating is more work! You need to use chopsticks. Their meat dishes have bones in them. You have to eat around them, and pick it apart. Snacking means munching on sunflower seeds, in the shell. If you have a serious sweet craving, go to the corner store and buy a stalk of sugarcane. They will peel it and chop it up for you right there! Bring it to the office and share. everything is packaged carefully; cookies are packaged in groups of 2 or 3 cookies; even oreos! You'll think twice before ripping into three of them.

Anyway, some things are hard to carry over; I'm hoping I can fulfill my sugar cane cravings SOMEWHERE when I have them; but either way, the idea of keeping my snacks limited to fresh, real foods will definitely help me.

Wow. It's been awhile, huh?

2009-09-01T22:33:00.000-07:00

Finally, I've found a way around the "Net Nanny" in China... I can't post pictures, but once again I can at least post text!

How am I? I'm doing REALLY REALLY GOOD! My God is good lately. Why?

1. I'm now 199 lbs. FINALLY broke that horrible 200 mark!
2. I just returned from a 2 1/2 week vacation on the beaches of Malaysia. I'm tan and feeling pretty darn confident in myself
3. Yesterday was my first day back to classes here in China. A small student said to me "Amy, you are thin this year!" WOOT!
4. Things have been getting progressively better on the marriage front. I'm happy to say that I think we will most likely weather this storm.
5. We've hit the halfway mark for our time here in China, and it's now a count down to go home!!

Really, I'm not TOO eager to leave. I love China, but I really really miss my family. I'm torn. I miss spending time with family and friends at home, smelling fresh air, being able to shop for things like familiar spices, brown rice, etc. But I also love the friends I've made here. I'm going to miss my favorite parks, favorite restaurants and dishes. I'm going to miss the students. Mostly, I'm afraid of what will happen when Husband and I return home. We've gotten so much closer recently; but what will the stress of being home, going back to school, both of us working, etc. have on us? I guess we'll see.

Our vacation was wonderful. We flew to Kuala Lumpur, saw the city, then went to the rainforest and the beaches. A lot of curry was eaten, along with *gasp* A & W and Burger King. We caved! We got very tan (and burnt) and got a lot of reading done too.

So... Amy Jo is alive, well, and looking up!

Blogspot is blocked!!!

2009-05-20T19:17:00.000-07:00

Have I fallen off the face of the earth?

Actually, no. I've just been BLOCKED! I finally found a proxy that will allow me to access and update my blog, but not post pictures. Man, that's the most interesting part! Anyway, I have WEEKS of blogs to catch up on.

What's new in my life? China is good! I've got new friends! We've been spending a lot of time with other foreigners here in Fuyang. There's a local karaoke bar that caters to foreigners, so we have spent a few nights out there. It's also more fun to go out to dinner in a large group. Most restaurants in China expect you to order dishes and share at the table. When you have a big round table with 10 people at it, you can order 10 or 12 dishes and sample them all! You put them on a lazy susan and spin it when you want something new. It's a great way to eat, and it goes slowly.... so you really don't eat that much!

Classes are great. I am adoring teaching this kids. They are so fun, and so excited about English. They say the darndest things. I can brainwash them, since they don't know much English...

Amy is pretty. Amy is smart. Amy is my favorite teacher. (hee hee hee just kidding!).

But really, I have actually had these conversations with kids...

student: Amy, you are beautiful and nice and I like you.
Amy: Thank you! I like you too.
Student: Thank you. I like you too.
Amy: um...

OR...

Amy: What does a donkey look like?
Student: It is STUPID!
Amy: But what does it LOOK like?
Student: A donkey looks like stupid.
Amy: *sigh*

OR...
Amy: What is in your desk?
Student: A teacher.
Amy: You have a teacher in your desk?
Student (realizing his mistake) um... the teacher is SO small.

Students here don't use the word VERY. They say SO. It is SO cute. It is SO big. I'm trying to break them of this and teach them to use very, but it's not going so well!

How's Amy's weight going? Alright. I'm holding steady at 205-208. I haven't lost in the last few weeks. Honestly, I don't much mind; I'm waiting for a letter from home to make sure my address here is correct. If I get the letter, then I'll have my family mail my "skinny clothes". Until then, I don't want to lose any because I'm already down to my smallest stuff here; and it's only a few shirts, one pair of jeans, and a pair of shorts!

It's really hot here; some days it gets up to about 95 degrees. I hear we haven't seen anything yet. We're pretty much staying home unless it's later evening. It's just too hot!

I Know Why They Call it a Struggle

2009-04-28T04:28:00.000-07:00

Why is it SOO hard to avoid unhealthy foods? How do some people have it so much easier? I see people here who never eat unhealthy stuff. Actually, that counts for most of the people in my office. The pregnant woman next to me munches on a banana in the morning, and an apple in the afternoon. At lunch in the cafeteria she gets her rice and veggies. For dinner, she usually gets rice, veggies, and some kind of meat for protein. This is similar for almost everyone who shares the English office with us. They come in in the morning and fill their cup with hot green tea. They sip this all day long. I don't see them hiding chocolate, eating ice cream bars on the street, tearing into a bag of Doritos they discovered, or bowing down to a can of regular coke. WHY, world?!

It's not just here; in the office at home, it was the same way. Sure, there were more overweight ladies... but still, there were those that would sit at their desk at 6:30 in the morning, happy with their boiled egg and fruit for breakfast. At lunch they'd break out their huge salad (minus the fatty dressing) and be perfectly content. At potlucks, they'd fill their plates with veggies, fruit, and whole wheat crackers, with a little cheese and maybe a cup of soup. Yes, some of these people were dieting; but most just happily followed the lifestyle. You could see who struggled; it was the women saying "Oh, I WISH I could eat that!" And THEN taking the healthy stuff.

Scale this morning reads? 209.00.

I lost a little less than a pound. But once again, I failed. I just don't know how to get the drive. Yesterday's menu (it is now tuesday morning here):

breakfast: congee and 1/2 a steamed bun
lunch: Rice, beet greens, cauliflour/broccoli mix, and the "mystery" veggie. It's green, a little bit slimy, no leaves or anything... about the size of the rectangular bamboo shoots at home. It's good. Tastes buttery!
Dinner: KFC again. 1/2 order of large fries (hubby and I split it) and an iced coffee with vanilla ice cream in it
snacks: ice cream bar, apple, peach yogurt

Here are the failures here. First, I started the day off great. The apple was before lunch, the yogurt after. THEN we went for a long walk. We walked to long without eating dinner, and we were famished. We didn't see any restaurants around with pictures to point at. :) So we ended up at KFC, where we know they have English menus. I ordered a mexican chicken wrap, but the chicken was terrible. I run into that sometimes here. The meat was so dark it was almost black - and it was really grisly and fatty. So I ate only one bite and set it aside. Also, fries were a bad choice; I should have gotten corn or coleslaw. Third; the coffee float. This was just weakness. I could have gotten water or fruit juice.

We had a great long walk. We bought Husband an Arhu (spelling?). It's a Chinese instrument that you play with a bow, like a violin. I bought a gorgeous cross-stich. It's my maiden voyage with them. I hope I love it! I did it for three hours last night while watching tv and only got a teeny bit done. Anyway, we walked home and I was starving since I hadn't really had anything of substance. The answer? Husband went to the shop next door and bought an ice cream bar for each of us. It wasn't a complete bust. I didn't binge, and I did eat fruit and veggies, and some healthy stuff; but I'm just disapointed in myself. I bet if I had eaten right, my weight would have had an 8 in it today.

Oh well - today is another day.

Failure Should Not Be Rewarded

2009-04-27T04:04:00.000-07:00

Why must failure be rewarded? It really screws with my mind. This weekend I was a bad girl. Here are just SOME of the things I've eaten in the past 3 days:
1 king sized chocolate bar
2 chocolate sundaes
3 ice cream bars
2 dinners of KFC (corn and popcorn chicken)
1/2 baguette with cheese (that's about a foot of bread)
grilled cheese
3 eggs each morning for breakfast
2 beers
PLUS, all my other normal meals (stir-fry, breaded sweet and sour pork, etc). I ate a LOT. And I ate JUNK. Scale says?

209.4. YAY!!!!

Another new number! But seriously, why can't this happen when I'm doing well? It is not very motivating. I did walk a lot yesterday, though; about 5 hours. That could play a big part in it. Whatever the reason, I was a bad girl, and I'm LUCKY I didn't show a gain this morning. I'm not gonna tempt fate. This morning I'm feeling energetic, excited to be wearing my smaller jeans for the first time in 2 years (YAY) and I'm chomping on the best apple I have ever had.

The fruit here is soooo good. They have everything. Right now, I'm feeling the apples and kiwis. The kiwis are so cheap! I got about 10 of them for about 3 bucks yesterday. Can you imagine how much those would be at home? Apples are even cheaper. There's also mangos, papaya, banana, grapes, starfruit, dragonfruit, pineapple, pears, and many other things I don't even recognize.

FYI - Wordpress is blocked in China right now :( I follow a couple blogs there, so I'm sorry, but I can't get to you!! (Debby being one of the two!) Anyway, today is a sunny, gorgeous, warm day. I'm dressed in my smaller sizes I packed. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling good.

Night on the Town

2009-04-23T06:08:00.000-07:00

Yeah... so that thing about it being time to fight? Didn't so much win the battle today.

Class was great; my students are so fun. Tonight we went to dinner with some other foreign friends. It was great! We walked there, and it was quite a ways. Probably a 45 minute walk. We ate in a restaurant in this huge swanky hotel. The dining room was completely empty. We sat at a beautiful table, drank out of crystal wine glasses, had the servers put our napkins in our lap, the whole shebang! At home, it would have been a REALLY expensive place. As it was, it equaled about $7.00 a person. We went into the display area and pointed out the dishes we wanted, and we all shared. That's usually the way you do it; you put all the dishes in the middle, and reach with your chopsticks. Afterwards, we took a long way home, checked out some instrument shops, and got some ice cream. Yes, not on the diet; but so good!

The damage done:

breakfast: Congee and a steamed bun
lunch: rice, bamboo, steamed greens (maybe beet greens?) and zucchini/egg dish that I love
dinner: a little bit of everything; eggplant in brown sauce, pork ribs, fried potato cakes, and little sandwiches with bacon and lettuce on them. Dessert of fruit: Longens, cherry tomatoes, and watermelon
Snacks: 2 apples, ice cream bar, about 8 cashews, 6 small crispy cookies (eek).

Lots of walking today; I don't think I'll lose, but hopefully it will at least keep me even.

Temptation

2009-04-22T20:35:00.000-07:00

It's amazing; you never get away from temptation. Even fleeing to the other side of the world doesn't do it. Yesterday, I FOUGHT. I fought hard. This is what I ended up with:

breakfast: congee (couldn't find a steamed bun without tofu inside... so I went without)

lunch: 1/2 cup white rice, 1/4 cup steamed bean sprouts, 1/4 cup zucchini/egg dish (it was sooo good!)

dinner: We went out. I ended up with: 1 fried egg, 1 cup of fried rice (with peas, carrots, corn in it), 1/2 cup stir-fried broccoli, and a big glass of sweetened ice tea.

snacks: Here's my failure. A LOT of cashews. I'm not sure how many... but many. 4 gelatin thingies... these are only in China. They are the size of a shot glass, with some fruit floating in them. 2 chocolate mousse squares (the size of a bite-sized milky way), 1 apple, 1 orange, 1 glass of chocolate milk

So... It wasn't HORRIBLE. But seriously, I think I had 1/2 cup of cashews. I didn't even realize I was doing it. We hit up the market on the way home. I was so happy that I turned down the candy bars and ice cream, and I thought "nuts are better!". But did I get the almonds? No. I got the dry roasted cashews... something I KNOW is a binge food for me.

Scale says? 212.

Tonight we are going out to dinner with some friends. I'll try to be good. I stocked up on seasonal fruit for snacks (apples, papaya, oranges, lychees). Temptation always finds you. Now is the time for me to really crack down and FIGHT!

2009-04-21T04:59:00.000-07:00

This is the cutest baby; I couldn't resist. I got the back side for a reason; to show the split in her little pants! She is one of the few that has a diaper on; normally they are bare bunned! Also, I get a kick out of the clothes... parents pad their babies with SOMETHING under their clothes. I'm not sure what. Look how poofy she is!

I love the willow trees we find everywhere.

Hubby and I. I am happy... my face is finally starting to thin out a little bit!

Hm... what's the work ethic like across the world? It seems like people work longer days. This is shown through the fact that even though my school is a boarding school, almost ALL the students live right here in the city. They all go home every weekend; but since Mom and Dad work so much during the week, it's better for the kids to stay at school.Longer days, yes. But the labor part of it? It's a mix. There are the guys who pedal the big taxi-tricycles around; they obviously work HARD. There are the construction workers dangling way up in the air on a new building being held up by sticks; that's hard work. There's the janitorial staff here at school; this place is always being cleaned! The cafeteria is mopped after every meal. They sweep the whole courtyard every day. They stay busy; they work HARD.But... there's a different feel to it. Like the teachers. The teachers are often at school from 7:30-5:00; longer than 8 hours. But, when they are not teaching, they are surfing the internet; sleeping; or watching movies online. That's a lot of down time. I'm told we have very full schedules, and we are only IN the classroom about 14 hours a week!

There is the kitchen staff; they work a long day. I think it's the same staff for breakfast (starting at 7:00), lunch, and dinner (served until 6:00, then clean-up). BUT... in between meals, they play cards for several hours, or sleep. Shop owners have a round table set up with a card game going at all times. Some watch tv.And SLEEP. How do these people do it?

I'm not sure what home life is like; or how much sleep they get at night; but they can SLEEP. I've gotten on a train, and seen a person sit down and zonk out in a matter of 2 minutes. They will stand, grip the hand holds on the bus, and drift off, swaying and tilting with the bumps. In the teachers office, they will lay their heads down and sleep like a baby. There's even a "nap" chair that reclines with a foot rest (although that's normally used by the pregnant teachers). The kitchen crew sleeps in the cafeteria in between meals. Babies sleep in their mothers arms as they walk. I am SO jealous! I wish I could do that!

Daily eats:

breakfast: congee and a steamed bun (I was in a hurry, so I ate half the bun and half the bowl of congee)

lunch: Vegetarian style! I had 1/2 cup rice, 1/4 cup steamed bamboo, 1/4 cup steamed greens, and 1/4 cup cauliflower

Dinner: Gave in to weakness. My lunch made me hungry sooner, and we walked to the supermarket. The thought of eating cafeteria food again wasn't appealing; and we stopped at KFC :( I got 5 chicken nuggets (yes, nuggets! KFC is funny here) and an ear of corn. I also got a coffee drink with about 1/4 cup soft serve ice cream on top.

Snacks: 1 huge carrot, sweet bread

So... dinner was a bust.

Weight this morning? 212 lbs :(

It's Easy to Feel Fat

2009-04-20T03:15:00.000-07:00

It's so easy to feel fat in China.

Yes, I'm losing. I'm excited... BUT.. I'm still in a country where the women average about 5'3 and weigh 100 lbs. They are almost all tiny. The whole time I've been here, I've only seen ONE fat Chinese woman. Sure, there are some that are rounder than others... but still not FAT. The clothes don't even go up to my size; anywhere. Shoes don't fit. Bus seats are a really tight squeeze. And the kids at my school, bless their hearts, run up to me and say "You are big! You are big!". I know they are just trying to use their English; they often smile kindly when they say it. But still, it stings.
One thing that's really hit me since I got to China? The people all look so different from each other. Don't get offended or anything; but honestly, I was worried that I'd confuse new friends and stuff. I've never been to a country where almost everyone has the same hair color, same eye color. I had no reason to be worried; theyare as different from each other as people in the US. I don't confuse anyone with anyone else. They have their own unique styles. The women here are so trendy! They all wear leggings and dresses. Lots of high heels or ballet flats. If I was only packing 110 lbs, I'd wear stilettos too! I was hiking up the stairs of a huge mountain the other day, huffing and puffing. I heard someone murmer something in Chinese. I moved over; and here comes a young woman, about 5ft tall, with a dress and stiletto heels on. She just scurried right up the stairs and dissapeared around the corner. Meanwhile, Amy is taking a break against a tree, trying to remember to breathe.
It's a hard knock life for us weight-strugglers. Even on the other side of the world, I'm tempted by candy bars and ice cream. I'm going to start sharing my menu on this blog again; it might be interesting for you, and good for me to keep track. Beware, though; sometimes I don't have the faintest idea WHAT it is that I'm eating :)

So.... today:

Breakfast: 1 cup congee and 1/2 steamed bun (Congee is rice porridge with red beans mixed in)
lunch: 1/2 cup white rice, 1/4 cup steamed bamboo, 1/4 cup cabbage, and 1/2 cup baby potato/beef stew
dinner: 1/2 cup white rice, 1/4 cup bok choy, 1/4 cup cold zucchini salad, 1/3 cup beef stew
snacks: oops... ice cream. One container (maybe 1 cup?) coffee/vanilla swirl. Not even that good!)

I think I'll split a pear with the hubby tonight too. That's what most days are like; congee for breakfast, rice and veggies, a little meat, more veggies... honestly, the stew isn't mostly eaten anyway. The meat is on huge bones, and it's really fatty. I usually glean 5 or 6 bites of meat from it; but the potatoes are heavenly!

I'm hoping the scale still says 210 in the morning; I don't wanna go up! I can see it... 11 more lbs, and I will be OUT of this 200-something prison I've been locked in!!

Today is a Good Day

2009-04-19T16:35:00.001-07:00

It might be a fluke....

but scale says 210.5 lbs.

YES!!!!!

Today I am going to fight the urge to go get chocolate or regular coke. I will be a good girl and eat my veggies, rice, protein, and drink my green tea :)

2009-04-19T07:27:00.000-07:00

We just got home. I just had to blog about our night, even though it's probably not all that interesting to anyone but me.We were meeting up with Tim, the San Francisco guy, for dinner with some other foreigners. We got the address of the restaurant texted to us. We took a cab, and he dropped us off at a barber shop. After some initial confusion, we found Tim and went up into the restaurant; an awesome place with a private room for us. We all sat at a big round table with a "lazy susan" in the middle for all the dishes. We knew we were in for some fun when we met the crazy mix of people.

-1 guy from San Francisco-

1 guy from Massachussetts-

1 guy from massachussetts' Chinese girlfriend-

1 guy from Germany-1 girl from South Africa

-1 guy from Vancouver, Canada

-1 Chinese bar owner who spoke only Chinese. He knew how to get us to toast though!

-1 guy from Great Britain

-2 crazy Michiganders :)

What a riot! We learned a little more about everyone, and had some great food. They just ordered about 10 dishes and we would grab things with our chopsticks, and spin it around when we wanted something different. There was lots of food, lots of beer, and lots of laughs. Most people who know me know that I am not a beer fan; but hey, why not cave and go with it? I had 2. Every 2 seconds it seemed like someone was toasting, and you have to down your little glass of beer. We had bottles, and we'd pour it into a glass about twice the size of a shot glass.Family Guy quotes were said; quotes from Snatch were said; jokes were made, friends were made... good night! After dinner we all went to a billiards hall. Great fun; even though I'm terrible! Matthew won 30 yuan :)So, there ya go. We now have more friends, more places to go, and things to do! Life is just never gonna be boring!

New Number!

2009-04-19T00:03:00.000-07:00

Not a long post... just a simple, but exciting entry.

This morning, scale says...

213!!!! I haven't seen that number in at least 2 years.

Good day. Good day.

I'm Being Driven Insane by Food Blogs!!!

2009-04-14T20:23:00.000-07:00

No, not friends blogs. Not blogs, period. Specifically those blogs that post pictures of chocolate cake, fresh hot mexican wet burritos, etc. I follow many of these; and I loved reading them in the states! But now, it just hurts. I can handle the pictures of yummy oatmeal; we have oatmeal in China. I can see the steaks, the potatoes, the fruit, etc... I can find those. It HURTS though, to see a big juicy hamburger! I'm not gonna see one of those for a long time.
I've decided I'll lay off the pretty picture blogs for awhile. I can read about it; but seeing it? Oh, kill me now!
Bad news: I haven't lost nearly as much weight as I thought I had. When I left the US, I weighed 220 lbs. My jeans are big; I fit into a smaller size now. My belly is dissapearing. I thought I MUST be 210! But alas... Amy found the scales at the Da Run Fa (supermarket) and she still weighs 214.2. DARN IT! 214 was my lowest weight BEFORE China. It's all that Dove chocolate and flatbread I've been eating. I'm changing things up; goodbye, Chinese Rocky Street icecream (don't you live the Chinglish? It's Rocky Road...the box cracks me up), hello fresh seasonal papaya and pineapple! And peas and bok choy, and bamboo and carrots! And eggs and tofu!
We are sincerely hoping to afford a trip to Australia on the way back to the states in January... and it's a 6 day hiking trip through the wilderness. I've gotta be FIT!!!

Week 3

2009-04-12T19:21:00.000-07:00

We've begun week 3 in our school in Fuyang, China. Things are going well! I'm teaching 4th and 5th graders; and they are such great fun. Life is starting to get easier; we're learning where to shop, where to eat, where to go for a pretty walk (or cheap foot massage!). As we learn more about the city, life gets better. We have a lot of time to relax, watch tv, walk around the city, talk with family and friends, etc. The weather is starting to get warmer. The mornings and evenings are still chilly, but afternoons are quite warm. I'm already afraid of this summer! No AC in the classrooms, and it gets VERY hot and humid! The humidity is terrible even when it's cold. Papers in our apartment are always damp. Towels don't really dry. The bed always feels... dewy. But for the most part, it's pretty comfortable. We have a comfortable bed, and we're getting a couch today. We have a big tv, and a phone. Our kitchen is nice, clean, and efficient. Our shower gets nice and hot; so far, very few bugs. Life is good!

Diet? Well... I lost a lot of weight the first week and a half; then I've kind of stopped. Why? Because I've discovered the chocolate isle at the supermarket, and the ice cream bars at the store next door. I've gotta stop. The food in the cafeteria is free for us 3 meals a day, 5 days a week; but it's made me sick a couple times. I'm afraid to eat it! I do anyway, for breakfast and lunch; but dinner is usually at a restaurant or home-cooked (a lot of eggs and ham, or bokchoy and bacon, or pork steaks and potatoes!). I'm confident that I'll lose a decent amount of weight yet, but it's going slower. I've gotta lay off that Dove chocolate and those delicious ice cream bars!

Life in China is so different from what I expected. I thought I was prepared; but nothing prepares you for this. Everywhere we go, we are stared at. Camera phones always seem to seek us out; and we're asked for our autographs! Babies here don't usually wear diapers; they have a slit in their pants, and they just squat. I'm not sure whether they are "trained" not to do it in certain places; I haven't seen any accidents. But who knows! The meat area of the market has live eels, turtles, frogs, fish... along with smoked and cured eels, turtles, frogs, fish... and there are plucked chickens and ducks, jellyfish, and squid. The chickens are a lot leaner than in the US... probably because they aren't genetically altered like ours are! I've stuck to beef and pork; it looks more familiar. Or packaged bacon and ham.

I've found cheese! There are only a couple kinds; blocks of monterey jack cheese (not too good), singles of american cheese, and spreadable "breakfast cheese". I'm not sure what this is... but it's good on a baguette!

I'm drinking a lot of tea. We have to boil our water before drinking it; and I'm a procrastinator. So I don't keep some in the fridge for when I need it. And I don't like drinking plain old hot water; so we have a water boiler, and I just drink tea all day long. Yum yum!

Ni Hao!

2009-03-27T00:13:00.000-07:00

Finally! Today is day 7 our our first week in China. Yes, we are safe. And my pants are definitely a bit looser already!

What is our diet? Well, I've already fell into a rhythm.

Breakfast: Rice porridge (rice, red beans). Sometimes I have a steamed bun with veggies inside too.
Lunch: Rice, soup (broth, usually nothing in it), vegetables (either bok choy, cauliflower, or bamboo)
Dinner: Rice, soup (same kind), vegetables, and a meat dish (my favorite has beef and baby potatoes.. although there's another one that has pork and edamame that I like!)

Yes, repetative. Boring. And I've had bouts with sickness; but I'm losing weight! I'm walking a lot more. We walk to the store, walk up and down the stairs to our building and to the school all day long, and walk just to explore our new home.

Wierd foods I've eaten/seen?
-tripe
-chicken feet (Husband tried to eat this. Did not know how. Gave up.)
-pig ears

I had a family member ask how different Chinese food is from American Chinese food. The answer is... VERY. There are no eggrolls or crab rangoon. Here in my city, you have rice with every single meal. The chicken dishes are just a whole chicken chopped up; bones and grisle all over. I've been avoiding chicken because of that; I'm picky, and I can't pick around it with chopsticks! Beef is the same way; a lot of bones. There's none of that "white meat only" stuff available. The sauces are light and yummy. Our school's canteen doesn't have the best food; that's where we've been eating. We had dinner out last night with some new friends and it was AMAZING. We're gonna do that more often!

Plane Tickets Purchased

2009-03-14T18:01:00.000-07:00

What a horribly horrible slacker I am. I never update anymore. But life is crazy. I'm still in Michigan. Husband and I have been NOT working for almost a month. While I have a TON of time on my hands, I never seemed to have time to BLOG. Ah, it was so easy with those built in breaks at work.
Not much to report... eating to much junk, up to 220 again, not caring nearly as much as I should. Stuff is packed, toes are tapping. Oh...

Plane tickets are bought. We are officially flying out at 6:40 am on 3/19. FINALLY!!!

I keep thinking "I'll be so happy when I get to China and can eat healthy". How twisted is that? I'm dreaming of steamed veggies, rice, chicken, fresh fruit. Um... I CAN have that here! But I'm trying to eat through our pantry (I just typed panty!) before we leave, and we keep going out for too many dinners with friends and family. I'm not getting too hung up about it; maybe I should be getting hung up about it.

Anyway, thought I'd drop a line to let people know I'm alive. In less than 5 days, we will be on a plane to Fuyang, China. woooo eee!

I am Still Alive!

2009-02-26T08:17:00.000-08:00

Yes, I have neglected Miss Blog. Honestly, I'm too busy and stressed.

Friday was my last day of work. We have yet to get an official leave date.

My fridge has been on the fritz since saturday. Maintenance has "fixed" it 3 times, and we've gone through 3 gallons of milk thinking it will stay cold, and then the fridge dies in the night and the coldness mysteriously dissapears.

216.5 lbs this morning. As you can see, I'm not off the wagon - just not explaining it in full lately.

The upside? I've been wrestling with the hubby a lot. This is improving my strength, causing us to giggle together, and giving me something to take my frustration out on - although he is 100 times stronger and can just pin me down with one arm.

shhh... don't tell him I admitted that. I keep telling him I've been holding back for his sake *wink*

BRAIN GO KABOOM!!!

2009-02-16T11:46:00.000-08:00

I had a hard weekend. A very exhausting, soul-wrenching weekend that has left me entering my workweek depleted of energy and just… exhausted. I was debating whether to explain everything that happened, and decided that I’m working to move past it and move forward, so I’m not going to make my heart and brain rehash it all. I have a busy couple weeks coming up, and I need all the energy I can get.

We’re leaving the first week of March. That leaves us with 2-3 weeks to get everything washed, packed or sorted, brought to Goodwill or tossed, etc. We have last minute appointments to see to, people to see one last time, bills to pay, accounts to close, etc. Amy’s brain is definitely on overdrive!!

Today I’m working a 10 hour day at the office, and then going home and doing some packing. We’re also going to file our taxes tonight, if we can access Husband’s online (it never came in the mail due to an address issue, and he’s locked out of his online account… because I put in the wrong password too many times!). Lucky us, we need to go get them done for an exhorbitant amount because we need our refund back within the next 1.5 weeks. So we’ll be throwing money away just to get it quick. Ah, the price of convenience.

Husband is done with his evening job, which means there will be a lot of together time. I’m hoping this will prove to be a good thing, as we get ready for the trip, and that it won’t cause more tension. We are both at the end of our rope, and just want to have everything here done so that we can leave. I can’t BELIEVE how much there is to DO when you leave the country!!

Also – after thinking on this awhile, I’ve decided that I am not going to post a link to our China blog on this website. This blog has some really personal, sensitive info that I don’t want all of my family and friends reading, so they mustn’t stumble across it. Also, I think I’d like to keep my public life public, and my secret chubby blog life secret. If blogspot is accessible in China, I will certainly still be updating with Chinese food, experiences, etc!

Of couse – there are a couple exceptions to that rule. I know of a couple people from here I’ll be giving it to. And if you’ve been faithfully lurking here since the beginning (I don’t think there ARE any of those… but who knows) and have just been DYING to read it, email me at amy_jo0122@yahoo.com. I might make an exception. But no promises *wink*

Valentines Day

2009-02-14T20:27:00.000-08:00

Today hasn't gone well. I don't want to expand on that. I'll leave only a quote I found when searching through my old blog I kept in 2004-2006. It's a quote from my Husband, then-boyfriend. My heart is broken these days; but reflecting back on when he said this, my heart still managed to flutter a little bit.

"I realized today that you are the luckiest girl in the world; not because of who loves you, but because of how much he loves you."

Wick in my ear!

2009-02-12T04:11:00.001-08:00

I haven’t blogged much in the past week…mostly because I’ve got a monstrous ear infection that has made me insanely crabby, and I haven’t wanted to subject anyone to it. But my selfessness has limits, and sometimes you just gotta vent!

My ear is huge. On Sunday, it started to hurt. Monday, it hurt like the dickens. I think I got about an hour of sleep that night. In the morning, I decided I needed a doctor. My doctor couldn’t fit me in until the next day, and I knew I couldn’t wait that long, so Husband brought me to the Urgent Care Center. They charged me a $55.00 copay, and I walked away with only a prescription for ear drops, and a diagnosis of “swimmers ear” (I don’t even swim!!).

My ear was so swollen that the drops wouldn’t even seep into my ear. The little that finally did made my ear WORSE! I went to work after the Urgent Care visit, and plowed my way through half a workday, then tried to sleep.

Wednesday, I woke up and burst out crying. Husband said I needed to see OUR doctor. I called, and managed to get an appointment in the morning. I was having shooting pains inside my ear, my whole right side of the face was sore, and I couldn’t close my jaw!! I tearfully called in to work AGAIN, apologizing since my last day was supposed to be Friday.

My doctor was angry that I couldn’t get an appointment with him Tuesday. He said that the doctor gave me the wrong prescription for ear drops, and it worsened my problems. He inserted a wick into my ear so that the drops he was going to give me would get in. I was sobbing as he did it, it hurt so bad! Nothing like crying to your doctor. I was quite embarrassed. Anyway, I got a prescription for antibiotic drops, oral antibiotics, and darvocet for the pain. So far, my ear doesn’t seem to be any better. But the darvocet is helping!! *hee hee*

I have to go back in today for followup. We’ll see…

Other bad news? Our departure date has been bumped back until the first week of March! My employer okayed me to work one more week, so at least we’ll get a little more money… but I’m just anxious to go. Husband is pretty down, and he’s having a hard time at work. I want to whisk him away.

Diet wise? I’m climbing back on the wagon – even IF I’m leaving for China. I had a rude awakening when I climbed on the scale at the doctor and it said 226 lbs. Yes, that was with shoes, clothes, and heavy winter coat on, but even so, I would imagine I was 223 lbs – that’s 9 pounds gained back! I thought I was maintaining… I thought wrong.

The diet will be easy for a couple days – I can’t chew. Cream of wheat for breakfast, Soup In Hand for lunch, probably a smoothie or Slimfast shake for dinner. I’m being forced into cutting back J

Some good news? How about some of that? Hm….

I was proud of the voting on the Biggest Loser! I’m glad they gave Dane and Blaine their wish J Also, I got some purty flowers for my birthday from my mommy. And a really cute asian photo album from Husband, for China pictures (we’re broke… and it was really sweet and thoughtful!). Also, I gave several bags of fat clothes to Goodwill. I’m going to be hear long enough to go out with my co-workers for TGI Friday’s night. We’ll have time to see all of our family before we go. Mom-in-law is going to lend us her laptop so that we have a computer in China.

So all in all, life is bad, life is good. Life is… life.

A Slightly Boring Weekend Update!

2009-02-09T06:45:00.000-08:00

What a wonderful birthday I had!

I am now 24 – officially in my mid-twenties. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN??!!
Anyway, my weekend was full of family fun! With us leaving so soon, everyone is fighting over our time. Friday I had the day off work, and did a lot of cleaning and laundry. Friday night, husband and I went to see the movie New In Town. It was pretty funny, but I wish I’d picked a movie with a little more substance!

Saturday we slept in ridiculously late, then went to my mom’s for a birthday dinner. We had Italian beef sandwiches (which my dad brought from Chicago!) and chips. Yeah, I ate too much. And cheesecake. It was terrible/wonderful. My pants are getting tight. How do I change this mindset? I don’t have much motivation. I keep thinking “I’ll lose weight in China!”. Anyway, my mom, dad, sister, cousin, her boyfriend, and her daughter was there. Fun times were had. We watched a movie after dinner, then skidaddled when mom turned Nascar on. She’s a Nascar NUT. I, however, am not.

Sunday, we went to Husband’s parents’ house for a Planet Earth marathon with the in-laws, along with the brother-in-law and his fiancée. It’s a series that BBC did on nature. It is by far the most amazing nature show I’ve ever seen. I heart it. Except when the fox eats the baby duck. That’s pretty scarring.

I am entering my last week at my office. It’s so weird knowing that Friday I’m leaving, and I may never come back. I’ve never stayed at an employer this long before (yeah, I’m a youngun. But for a 24 year old, 3 years is a long time!). I’m going to miss a lot of people, but I won’t miss office work. I’m excited to move on and learn to teach!

Blackout!

2009-02-04T06:04:00.001-08:00

The oral typhoid vaccine is simply evil.

It’s a series of 4 pills, taken every other day on an empty stomach. Yesterday, I took pill number 1 and jetted off to work. Within two hours, I was sick, throwing up, the works. I was told that 25% of people get severe nausea with it… and I’m one of the lucky fourth! I tried to call hubby all day, to no avail. I was sick, working, and worried about hubby, since he wasn’t home! Finally, I went home at 3:00… our power had been out all day! So rather than sit in the dark all day, hubby brought me to mommy’s house, where I laid on the couch with a pillow and blanket and watched the Biggest Loser while petting Smitty, her new three-legged cat. My 21 year old sister’s plea when she wanted to adopt him?
“But MOM, you KNOW I’ve always wanted a three legged cat!”
Apparently that’s a valid argument, because mom caved and now has two kitties in their apartment. I will admit, Smitty the three legged cat IS pretty cute. And cuddly. And a little bit cross-eyed.

Last night Husband picked me up and brought me home, and our power was (thank you LORD!) back on. I was not looking forward to having to “guesstimate” what time I had to get up based on my own internal clock… I was sure I’d lay awake all night worrying I’d be late for work! Husband tucked me in, gave me some medicine for my headache, and let me sleep the night away. And sleep I did… better than I have in weeks.

Today, I’m back at work with the after effects of terrible beginning-of-my-lady-time cramps, a pounding headache, and a seriously bad attitude. I am attempting to remedy all of this with a mix of blogging and coffee. We’ll see how this works out. The worst part? I have three more pills to take. I’m hoping my body will be a little more adjusted by tomorrow morning when I take my next one!

Today’s plan? I have to pack up stuff at home, do laundry, do my LAST lesson for my online TEFL course (HURRAH!) and hopefully take a nap. We’ll see how that all goes!

Lifeforms.. Lovely Little Lifeforms...

2009-02-02T13:04:00.000-08:00

SUPERBOWL SUNDAY!!!!

How did Amy spend her day?

Sitting on her bed with hubby. Eating all sorts of terrible forbidden things (windmill cookies, ice cream, potato chip, macaroni and cheese) and watching a Star Trek movie marathon. Four of them… That’s about SEVEN HOURS worth of TV watching. I always avoided Star Trek. In an effort to connect with Husband’s interests, I decided to start watching them with him. Slowly, I became hooked on the original cast.

Spock is my homeboy.

Anyway, we just finished watching the first season of Next Generation (if you don’t understand this Star Trek jargon, you are not alone. I have but recently begun to understand such things). We decided it was time to watch all of the movies containing that cast. Long story short?

Data died. And I cried. Just a little. I most DEFINITELY hid that from Husband, because I would be teased mercilessly. The fact that I am that attached to an android on STAR TREK is something I never imagined in my wildest dreams. My, how things change.

Life update?
-China. In 18 days. It’s creeping up at lightning speed (full warp?)
-Diet? So terrible. I’ve adopted this “When I’m in China, I’ll eat healthy” mindset. Terrible, I know. But I have so much to focus on; and so many things to stress about. I just don’t wanna deal right now. Sue me. I still ate oatmeal for breakfast… that’s good, right? So much for a diet blog… this one is losing its diet mojo!
-Marriage – okay. I’m not deluding myself. But regardless of Husband’s feelings, I am truly feeling that I am moving forward. I love him. I’m enjoying him more, and he’s so INTERESTING! I’m beyond angry at the way I’ve treated him, and viewed him. I’m loving him so much… and its going to make it much harder if he stills wants a divorce next year after our stint in China. But I won’t regret it; I’d rather appreciate him, respect him, love him, and treat him the way he deserves, and lose him than lose him knowing that I could have been better. I could seriously go on forever on this subject, but I’ll spare you… for now.

Today we had an extremely overpriced counseling session in “travel medicine”. Basically, I got a stupid shot in my arm. The nurse stuck the needle in, injected HEP A miracle stuff into my arm, removed the needle, and then promptly placed a bandage carefully TWO INCHES ABOVE the needle hole. I think she missed the point. We got Typhoid pills to take over the next week or so… prescriptions for malaria meds… and lots of info on DEET and sunscreen and high elevation and traveler’s diarrhea.

Oh, hey, y’all, if you’re the praying type (which I definitely am), please add my aunt to your prayer list. She was just diagnosed with breast cancer. We’re not sure how far it’s progressed, but she’s pretty scared. I can’t imagine what she’s feeling right now; but she’s a believer, and is being as optimistic as she can.

Have a happy Monday!

New Reasons I am Excited to be Going to China

2009-01-29T18:28:00.000-08:00

(RING RING)
1. HELLO, YOU HAVE ONE A $10000 DOLLAR HOME MAKEOVER! WOULD YOU LIKE US TO SEND US THE INFO?
-sorry, I'm going to China.
2. AMY, WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN HEADING UP "TEAM SPIRIT" AT WORK?
-Sorry, I'll be in China.
3. THIS IS SARAH, WITH YOUR LOCAL PRESS. WE'RE RUNNING A GREAT DEAL ON-
-sorry ma'am, but I'm moving to China. I'm not going to buy anything.
4. WOULD YOU LIKE TO RENEW YOUR LEASE? YOUR RENT WILL ONLY GO UP 500%.
-No thanks, I'm movin to China.
5. THIS SUMMER, WE SHOULD SOOO HANG OUT AAAALLLL THE TIME
-um.. (said to an annoying acquaintance) sorry, I'm GOING TO CHINA.

TGIT

2009-01-27T10:38:00.001-08:00

Tuesday = my favorite day of the work week.

I’ve explained in the past my love for The Biggest Loser. That is a major reason that Tuesdays are the BEST. But also, it’s great simply because it’s NOT MONDAY. Mondays are hard. My weekends have been… not so enjoyable lately. Also, at work, my late day is Mondays. So I have to be at the office until 5:00 (something I HATE!) taking patient phone calls. The worst job in the entire office. Tuesdays, I don’t. Today, I’m leaving at 2:30! Wednesdays are hump day. It’s just blech. Thursdays feel like they SHOULD be FRIDAYS. Fridays move at a snail pace. So basically, Tuesdays are the BEST.

I’m making my Tuesday even better today by washing my sheets and making a yummy, healthy dinner. I LOVE freshly washed sheets. And when I was thinking of how to make my night better, I thought “I want to sleep on the fresh sheets TONIGHT!” Sheets fresh out of the dryer are an unparalleled pleasure. Not from the linen closet; sheets that still smell like fresh detergent and dryer sheets. Sheets pulled so tight that there isn’t a single wrinkle. High thread count. Comfy. Sheets.

Also, I’m making a meal out of Bok Choy. I’m planning on cutting up some Bok Choy, frying some bacon, and cooking them with a little garlic and red pepper. Then I’m going to have an scrambled egg or two with it. And maybe a piece of wheat toast. MMMMM…..

Things that may deter my happiness today?
A month before I leave, my office announces “restructuring”.. meaning my favorite supervisor is no longer my supervisor. And my least favorite now IS.
I have to do work for my online TEFL course tonight. A lot of work. And it’s hard to concentrate on Tuesdays. Because they are so NICE.

I’ll just have to deal with those downers, and turn my frown upside down! (I HATE when people say that!). The bright side? I’m only here for another 3 weeks. And the class IS teaching me valuable info about teaching English.

The World's Longest To-Do List

2009-01-26T07:11:00.001-08:00

Have you ever had one of those moments where you are absolutely convinced that your brain is going to explode?

I am currently dealing with one. I was freaking out last night about everything that had to be done by the time we leave for China on 2/20. Husband asked that I make a list of everything. Today, I decided to do that.

It is three pages long.

And the only frivolous thing on the list is “Eat lots of cheese”.

Yes, I’m feeling extremely overwhelmed with life right now. There is so much to do, and SO LITTLE TIME!! The person that came up with that phrase knew what they were talking about. It would help if I didn’t feel I was doing this alone. I hope Husband will help with this list, now that it’s made.

Speaking of Husband… I just don’t know what to do. I am beginning to think he is depressed. He cries all the time; he’s extremely pessimistic lately, and he’s been having mini panic attacks (which he never had before). I’m torn. We can’t get our $5000 back for our trip. If we don’t go, he’s filing for divorce immediately. I don’t want this trip to do damage to him emotionally or physically. I truly think this will be a good thing for us. Some people don’t agree with me; I know that. But they aren’t us; they don’t know what I do.

Husband is unique. He never wanted to settle down in a house with a wife, a family, and a “steady” job. He’s adventurous. He loves traveling. Nothing makes him happier than sitting down for a night with a group of entire strangers, and laughing and getting to know each other. He doesn’t care about possessions, or “things”. He used to love me; used to want to have kids, even though he didn’t want to raise them in the traditional sense, necessarily. He’s insanely intelligent. He lacks when it comes to “common sense” things; tax paperwork, bills, mechanical stuff, etc). He just doesn’t care about those things; his mind is on life. Learning new things. He adores studying people groups; learning about tribes in Africa, the Inuit in Canada. He just thirsts for KNOWLEDGE.

And I knew these things when I married him; but I needed to fit into the traditional mold. I tried to steer us in the direction of conventionalism. Not necessarily because I wanted it, but because it’s just what you DO when you get married. He started school, I got a full time job. He worked and studied; we saved, bought nice furniture, acquired “things”. In my quest to fit in to this model of a good household, I completely lost the reasons I married him. Suddenly, his endearing qualities irritated me, because it didn’t fit. He tried so hard, for so long. And he’s given up. I’m changing; really, I am. I am seeing these qualities again; and realizing that I can’t live to please other people. We can’t have kids just because our parents want grandchildren. We can’t work at jobs we don’t enjoy, just so we can buy a house or a nice car. We can’t spend our lives working for something we don’t even want. What do I want more than anything? To go to China. To force myself out of this retarded box I’ve locked myself into. To see him flower into that man he used to be, before I stripped the beauty away. I want to see his passion again when he hears a beautiful song; when he sees a crane flying through the air. When he laughs one of those deep belly laughs because of something a new friend has just said.

There is a new movie coming out, with Jamie Fox and Robert Downey Jr. I’ve seen the previews. Fox plays a man with schizophrenia. He was an AMAZING violinist who studied at Julliard; but once his disease started to take over (disease? Disorder? I’m not always politically correct) he moved to the streets. The movie looks so touching. Downey Jr. becomes genuine friends with this man. At one point, he says something along the lines of “I’ve never seen ANYONE love anything the way he loves music”. And that’s exactly how I feel about Husband; only there are so many things I could put in there. The way he loves music; the way he loves animals; the way he loves nature; the way he loves language… etc. He has this passion no one else in the entire world has. It is so frustrating; and so amazing at the same time.

He has lost all hope. I’ve pushed too far; he doesn’t even see the possibility that I can change. He doesn’t believe my love for him; or my desire to be different. And I half don’t blame him. But I sure wish he just WOULD believe it; because it would make this so much easier.

He could stay, see a psychologist, talk through his issues; but he’s still locked in the monotony of a life he doesn’t want to lead. I truly believe that the ultimate answer to it all is to place him in his element. Take away the pressure of college, of work, and everything else. He can learn a new language, make new friends, study new people, eat new food, see new things. And if I am as strong as I want to be, as I NEED to be, I can start chipping away at his bitterness and doubt. I can start growing as a person, and finding out what it is that I REALLY want; not what I think others want for me. I can be a loving, sweet woman; one that will be there for him and accept him for who he is, without trying to change him.

Seriously, this is a big thing. There are people who think we shouldn’t go. No one knows, of course, that we’re at the point we’re at. But they don’t think we should leave our jobs, our lives here. It seems frivolous, and dangerous. But we need that. When we got married, we were children. We never had a chance to BE frivolous together, or to chase a little excitement. Now we do.

Friends

2009-01-22T06:38:00.000-08:00

Friends. I forgot how important they are.

You know what? I didn’t have any for a couple years. After I started dating Husband, and we got married, I buried myself in our relationship. Pushed away the people I loved, I just consumed myself with my marriage and our “future”. This did three VERY damaging things.

1. Pushed my husband away. If you have no friends, and live only for one other person, you become clingy. You don’t have your own interests; and the mystery is gone. If you’re always together, you run out of things to talk about; you’ve experienced it all together, and don’t have anything to share. I lost my identity. I used to be outgoing, funny, INVOLVED. I used to play sports, do drama, go out with friends, bowl, write, sing, laugh… and they made me a more interesting person.
2. They took away my support system. I had a great group of friends who loved me very much; as I pushed them away, I obviously lost that. Sometimes a girl just needs to talk to her girlfriends. There were many times that I wanted that, but had no one to turn to.
3. I hurt my friends. By pushing them away, I severed friendships that meant a lot to several people. I inflicted pain on people I loved.

So now what? I’ve been working on this. I work with my best friend from childhood. We were really distanced for a few years, but things are getting better. I know that I am no longer her best friend; when I fell in love, she had another friend who was there for her and stepped into the role I gave up. I’m so happy for her; but I value our friendship, and I’m happy that we’re getting closer. I have other friends that I’ve been meeting for coffee, and dinners, etc. One of my very best friends and I just had coffee last night. It’s amazing; we’ve changed so much since high school. She’s got a bachelors degree, and is waiting to hear if she has been accepted to an ivy league school this fall. She’s been in and out of three serious relationships; and is currently recovering from a hard, bitter breakup. Sitting across the table from her, I felt comfortable. I feel that many of my co-worker friends don’t really know ME. And that’s my fault. I don’t know who I am right now. But this friend, she’s heard my dirt. She’s held me when I’ve sobbed. She’s hopped on a train with me at age 16 and discovered the wonder of Chicago for a whole weekend. She’s supported me in decisions that no one else has. She’s brought out the adventurous side of me. And even though I’m leaving for the other side of the world, and she’ll probably be living on the other side of the country when I return, we know that we’ll still be there for each other. There was a gap where we didn’t talk for about two years; and when we did finally see each other again, it all fell back into place. Looking into her eyes as we were talking about life, and how hard it is, and how it’s nothing that we expected, I felt… REAL.

Understand the importance of good friends. Yes, the blog world is a great place to find support, understanding, etc., but there is no substitute for a good friend.

Today is my fourth wedding anniversary. We haven’t decided what to do this evening. It is a very bittersweet day. But as I left this morning, I kissed my sleeping husband’s shoulder and decided that today, I am going to celebrate.

People Know I'm Fat.

2009-01-21T07:03:00.000-08:00

Exhaustion! That seems to be a normal thing for me now. Today I got to the office at 6:00 am. I’ll be here until 5:00, at which time a friend is dropping me off at the bookstore/café to do homework for 3 hours. Another friend is meeting me at 8:30 for coffee. I expect to be home about 10:00. Should I be doing this? I don’t know. But I’m only here for another month. I have a ton of homework to do, and people to see before I leave for a year. And I need the overtime for money. So I’m just gonna try to tough it out. On top of the busy schedule, Husband is on a muscle relaxant and anti-inflammatory for his soreness from the accident, and he is snoring like a freight train. This is unusual; he’s normally quiet as a mouse. So Amy is sleepy, chubby, and grumpy.

Yesterday, after working 9 hours, my mother picked me up and brought me to the hospital to visit my Florida grandparents, and my aunt (who was there for a hip replacement). We were there for quite some time. By the time we went to the cafeteria to eat dinner (and build a fabulous salad!) The cafeteria was CLOSED. So, my grandparents decided the next best thing was TACO BELL.

So much for a great tasting salad. I ended up with a hard taco, and a Bacon Cheese Gordita Crunch. And diet pepsi. Oh well, yesterday my breakfast and lunch were pretty low calorie; I’m not going to beat myself up too much, because 1. I didn’t gain any weight overnight, and 2. I am feeling pretty darn good about myself.

Why? Because Grandma noticed my weight loss. I only see them once or twice a year, since they (like so many “snowbirds” here in Michigan do) have moved to Florida. They now stay year-round. I saw them about four months ago, when we drove down for my cousin’s wedding. I was at my heaviest, about 239 lbs.
Let me tell you something about these grandparents; I love them very much. VERY much! But, for some reason, though, I always feel the need to impress them; more so than my other set of grandparents. I think it’s almost like we feel here in Michigan that we’re competing with our family members in Florida. Not on purpose; its just a feeling. Anyway, I was scared to death to go to Florida. Most of my family there hadn’t seen me since my wedding, and at that point, I was almost 90 lbs lighter. I was so quiet and embarrassed the whole time. I just felt their eyes on me; wondering what happened, what I’m eating… HOW it happened. I felt the need to continually mention “Yeah, now that I sit in an office all day instead of waitressing and stocking, it’s hard to have the energy to stay active!”. I also ate very little, hoping they would think “it must not be her fault!”
Last night, at a rare moment where it was just Grandma and I, she quietly said “You’re losing weight, aren’t you? I can see it! Especially in your face, and when you stand up”.
I think I grinned like a total idiot. She asked how much I’d lost, and that was the embarrassing part; I’ve lost 23 lbs, and I’m still “obese”. I told her how much, and she smiled and told me great job. It felt wonderful/horrible at the same time. Wonderful because it’s actually visible, and horrible because I still feel so fat.

I wonder whether there was a precise moment that people started thinking of me as fat. I was thinking about this today. A friend of mine made cookies for a coworker’s birthday. I emailed her, telling her “Were you a baker in another life? These are DIVINE”.

She emailed back, stating “Well, I didn’t get this fat because I’m a bad baker, that’s for sure!”
My response? “Well, I’m a terrible baker, and I didn’t have any trouble”.
Her response? “Hee hee”.

Period. Now, I felt a moment of annoyance towards my friend. This was a moment where she did not deny I was fat. Five years ago, if that conversation were to have gone on, the friend would have said “Oh, brother. You are NOT fat”. And I would have smiled and not quite believed her, but felt good that she said it. Now, people know I’m fat. They aren’t going to deny it, or say “Oh, come on, you’re average”, Or “I would LOVE to be your size, quit your whining!”. It’s just a given; I’m fat. People know I’m fat. And I know it; I can’t be mad that OTHER people know it. But, anyhow, it was still one of those light bulb moments.

A Lifetime in China

2009-01-20T06:41:00.001-08:00

Habits are changing.

I’ve been trying to make small changes in the way I act, eat, and move. I’m not making big changes. Heck, I’m not making big ENOUGH changes. But I can see changes nonetheless.

I realized this more than ever last night at Subway. My mom and I stopped there before she dropped me off at home (since I am now carless, she is giving me rides home from work sometimes). We used to order the same exact thing:
Footlong white bread with –
-ham
-bacon
-Provolone cheese (plus extra cheese)
-lettuce
-salt and pepper
That’s it. Veggie? I suppose even the iceberg lettuce doesn’t count. I ate this for YEARS. My mom, at 107 pounds, can eat this and be fine. She eats the WHOLE THING! That little featherweight! With her Crohn’s disease, she is really picky about what she eats. Somehow, she can live off of eggs and bacon and be fine; give her an apple or some green beans, and she’s sick for days.
I ordered after her last night, and didn’t even think about what I ordered until later. I got a 6 inch sub on whole wheat bread. Turkey, spinach, pepper jack (if I’m gonna eat cheese, I better taste it!), green peppers, cucumber, black pepper.
I know, not too many veggies; but this is light years better than what I used to have. And it was delicious!
Another thing that made me think this morning? My breakfast. I have oatmeal – a piping hot bowl of wheat germ, rolled oats, flax seed, banana, peanut butter, and butterscotch. It is absolute heaven. I was so excited all morning, and I could hardly WAIT to dig into this special treat. 6 months ago, I’d be eating a huge bowl of Reese’s Crunch, with a candy bar on the side.
Our cupboards are getting bare. Today, I made do with what I could find (seeing as not only do we not have MONEY, but now we don’t have transportation!).
Breakfast: I used the last of my frozen banana for the oatmeal. Luckily, I think I have enough oats to last me a month; I bought a huge container, and I’ve got lots of PB and butterscotch!!
Lunch: Whole wheat pita with peanut butter and laughing cow cheese (yeah, kinda weird… it sounded good last night when I made it!), yogurt cup
Snacks: Fruit leather, homemade mix (cheerios, walnuts, semi-sweet choc chips)
Dinner: I’m going to eat dinner at the hospital with my grandparents, who are visiting my aunt, who is having a hip replacement. Follow that? I am hoping for a great salad bar. One of the blogs I faithfully read, http://www.katheats.com/, showed a seriously amazing looking salad last night. That woman makes everything look delicious. Anyway, I’ve got a hankering for a huge salad.

I was told today to make preparations to leave for China on 2/20/09 – he is 95% sure all systems are go. Why can’t it be one HUNDRED!!! But here we go… packing, moving, studying, saying goodbyes. All complicated by the fact that we have no car. What did people do before cars? Buggies? Horse drawn carriages?

I was talking to an elderly woman who taught English in China for over fifty years (along with missionary work). She is an acquaintance of a coworker of mine. She is now over 80, and living back here in the States. She explained that at the age of 20, single and alone, she packed her few belongings, said goodbye, and hopped on a freighter bound for Shanghai. Her sea voyage took three months. She entered traveled to a small town, and was the only white person her town had ever seen; and it stayed that way for almost a decade. She learned the language, and taught in the school. She worked alongside farmers and shop workers. She shared the word of God, and found her way into the hearts of the people around her. She absolutely fell in love with the people of China; so much so that she did not return to the US for a visit until almost twenty years later.

Talk about amazing. This woman is a fish out of water. She lives in a home with weekly bingo nights, movie nights, and weekly church services. She says she longs for her favorite foods, music, and smells. She misses the melody of the Chinese language; the smiles she received as she walked down the main road. She misses the mountains. She is homesick. It is both encouraging and heartbreaking to talk with her. She has so many fond memories of her life in China. When she speaks about it, her eyes glisten and her mouth curls into the most subtle smile. She tells of her “sisters”, still living the same life in China they always have, and the pets she raised. Of her small home, with one burner, a squat toilet, and sketchy insects that creep their way inside in the spring. She has witnessed the changes that China has gone through in the past fifty years; she watched her roads get paved, apartment buildings built, and tourists start flocking in. But she never lost her love for her “homeland”. She told me that someday, before she dies, she’d like to go home and see her family. My heart breaks for this woman; I know that she will never go back to China. But her spirits are lifted at the thought of the possibility.

Car Accident

2009-01-17T10:57:00.000-08:00

Hubby was in a car accident this morning. He said he's fine; but he doesn't have a cell phone, and we only have 1 car.

He says our car is totalled. His dad is going to help him, since I have no wheelz to do so.

I'm stressing. I've cleaned the entire apartment in record time, because I just needed something to DO.

*sigh* we're leaving in a month. I don't know how we'll get to our jobs, get shopping, packing, etc. done...

I suppose God will provide. But for now, I'm just gonna keep cleaning like a madwoman.

The Scale is Too Nice

2009-01-16T07:53:00.001-08:00

I haven’t set foot on the scale in several days. Why, may you ask? Because Amy has been a bad, bad girl. She has eaten cookies galore. Burgers, pizza, chocolate. Bagels and donuts. A subway sub thrown in there, but mostly, crap.

Scale this morning? 216.5. I was expecting at least 220. I was baffled.

I do not want to take this as a sign that I can eat junk and maintain. I take this as a sign that if I can eat junk and maintain, I can eat well and lose well. Seriously, if I can eat like a little piggy, and maintain a 23 lb weight loss, why am I not working to lose more? So many people fight so hard just to maintain! I’d be a fool not to take advantage of this. I am leaving for China in 1 month. I am wearing size 18’s. I do not want to have to pack all my 18s, as well as my size 16 pants. I’d rather use the room for more stuff. I want to be down a size by the time we leave. T

he pickle, however, is food. We have no money. We have cupboards full of stuff we are going to have to toss (half full boxes of instant potatoes, an open package of spaghetti, frozen pizzas, etc). Most of it isn’t the healthiest stuff. But we must eat it, and I don’t think we’re doing major grocery shopping again. Yeah, we can donate unopened stuff; but I’m going to have to get creative. Too bad I don’t have fresh produce!

Breakfast: yogurt, cottage cheese, and a fruit leather
Lunch: leftover soup (Bear Creek cheese and broccoli… but I added lima beans, peas, diced ham, and some corn)
Snack: grapes, walnuts
Dinner: A turkey burger on ½ bun with mixed veggies (Brussels sprouts, lima beans, peas, corn)

I think I’ll have another snack in there too, but I’m not sure what…depending on the number of calories, I might even make a small bowl of oatmeal this evening!

What does it mean to “love yourself?”

2009-01-15T12:15:00.000-08:00

What does it mean to “love yourself?”

I’ve been thinking about that today. I have decided that for sure, beyond the shadow of a doubt, I do not love myself. There are many factors that played into my determination of this fact. These are not things that I don’t LIKE about myself… there is a difference. The following is EVIDENCE that I don’t love myself.
My weight/body. I do not treat it the way I should. I continue to sabotage my own health, knowing that it is not going to truly make me happy.
I’ve ruined my marriage. Yes, it goes both ways. But largely, it’s my fault. And I do NOT love myself for that. I don’t love myself because I’ve done so much damage, I’m not sure it can be fixed.
I don’t have friends. Yes, there are a few. But I’ve pushed most of them away.
My home. I am a mess. I used to be organized, clean, efficient. Now, I step over clothes and try to figure out when the last time was that I did dishes. I allow myself (and my husband) to live in bad conditions.
I don’t love God the way I should. If I really loved myself, I would be putting the effort into my walk with God that I should be; because it should care to me whether or not I am pleasing God.
I am not honest with myself or others. I do not think that I important enough. When people genuinely ask if I need anything, or someone for support, or someone to listen, I tell them I am fine; even though I’m not fine.

Do you love yourself as much as you should? How much is enough? How much is TOO much? I’ve known multitudes of people who did not love themselves as much as they should. One friend of mine has made multiple suicide attempts throughout his life. They have all been half-hearted. Even that shows that he does not love himself. It was a cry for attention, for someone to show that they cared. He doesn’t eat often; he’s wasting away. He is a genius according to tests, but never went to college because he doesn’t think the effort will make him happy in the end anyway. He doesn’t really date, because he doesn’t want to subject a girl to the hard work a relationship with him would be. He lives a lonely, hungry, cold life; and he doesn’t think he deserves more.

Well… as a Christian, I guess I don’t like throwing around phrases like “love yourself” and “deserves more”. I don’t know what a Christian deserves; or a non-Christian. I don’t know how much a sinner should love themselves. But I do know that everything we get is through God’s grace. And that while I myself am not amazing, I should respect and honor my body as a temple of the Lord; and I have worth in Christ. But sometimes, when life creeps up on you, and pain and trials seem to be drowning you, you forget that.

Can someone love themselves TOO much? Do you know someone who has? I was trying to think of someone; but every time a face popped into my head, I realized that they actually seemed to not love themselves ENOUGH. Take the popular kids in school for example. They spend so much money on clothes, events, friends. They run themselves ragged being “involved”. Girls give themselves to boys too soon so that they will be liked. Boys sacrifice many of their feelings for the sake of being “masculine”. Do they really sound like they truly have too much love for themselves? It sounds like insecurity to me. I can’t think of a single person who genuinely loved themself too much.

*Sigh*

It’s been one of those days. I’ve been at work for a long time, and I’ve been crying to my computer screen. My co-workers have caught some tears, but haven’t said anything; it’s just as well. If someone asked if I was okay, I think the whole dam would collapse. Some days are good. And some days it’s just hard to get out of bed in the morning; hard to get dressed, hard to go to work. Hard to imagine that I’ll have to do this again tomorrow. I know where I should be looking for strength; why the jeepers am I not doing it?

I Can't Think of a Witty Title Today.

2009-01-13T07:02:00.001-08:00

Life is much more fulfilling when you are living for others instead of just yourself.

That doesn't mean to completely abandon your own wants and desires; but to a certain extent, you need to; especially as a marriage partner, and especially as a Christian (unless your wants and desires are always genuinely to glorify God... but that isn't me, unfortunately).

Anyway.. an addendum to yesterday's post... my good buddy Debby made some pretty good points in her comment! And, as usual, I wasn't as clear as I wish I was. I'm not always so good at putting into words what I'm feeling; so please excuse me. Hopefully y'all get the gist, and see that I'm sorting through things, and working things out, not trying to offend or anything like that.

Today is a good day. Tuesdays are ALWAYS good days. Why?

The Biggest Loser.

That's right; it's only 10:07 AM and I'm already looking forward to it. Yes, I am a loser. Only not the right type.

Update on the life front? Diet - stagnant. Not gaining, not losing. Not trying hard enough.
Marriage - Decent. Not great. But we've been fighting less, and having a bit more good times than we were for awhile. I'm not fooling myself. But I love him; I'm getting interested in his interests. I am hoping he is seeing that this is a genuine change in me. I'm not happy. But I'm getting happier, at least. It just breaks my heart to see him so hurt and confused. Workin' on it, prayin' on it.
China - tentatively leaving 2/20. I have a feeling it will be "tentative" until we LEAVE. It's stressin' me out. Gave "tentative" 30 day notice to my employer. 30 DAYS. I'm getting really excited/scared out of my freaking mind/stressed. It's a dangerous combo.

Tackling a Big Subject.

2009-01-12T07:15:00.001-08:00

Good weekend. For the most part. Very busy, though. Normally, I like that; but I’m a bit exhausted.
Friday: Work, then dinner and a movie
Saturday: worked 6 hours. Went to Barnes and Noble and did homework.
Went to in-laws house for dinner and to watch a movie
Went to karaoke bar for my friend’s birthday. Lots of fun, but we were out really late.
Sunday: I didn’t make it to church. I slept through the morning. Went to grandma and grandpa’s for lunch
And to play some Dirty Queens
Husband didn’t feel too good. We rented some movies and crawled into bed, where we stayed for the evening.

Today I’m feeling tired. I woke up this morning and Husband was sweating, and vomiting. I felt terrible leaving him with just a thermometer, blankets, water, and a bucket, but we need the money and I couldn’t call in (my PTO time is pretty much depleted). So now I’m going to spend my day worrying about him.

Scale says 218. It can’t seem to budge (although I have a feeling it’s because I’ve been cheating way too much).

I had something challenge my worldview majorly last week. I’m a Christian. I am a Christian who believes that homosexuality is wrong. I don’t know if people are predisposed to it or not. Some people say that God wouldn’t create a person to want those things. I say that I have no idea what God would do. We are fallen beings; of course it’s natural for us to desire sinful things. That’s what believers fight to overcome their whole lives.

Anyway, I was watching a show where a very conservative Christian was placed in a home for 30 days with two gay men, and their 3 adopted children. The point of the show was to see whether her views would change after actually spending time with them. She believed that it was wrong, and that homosexuals should not legally be able to adopt children.

I’ve gone back and forth on that topic; I’m not sure what I believe. Same with gay marriage. I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman; that is what God intended, in my personal opinion. There is so much biblical support against homosexuality. But do I think that our government should mandate that? I’m not so sure.

Anyway, the woman never changed her opinions. And I found myself siding with the gay couple. They had a beautiful home, and three wonderful children. They filled the role of “mother” and father very well. They were nurturing, loving, and still strong male figures. In the past, I would have said that that wasn’t what mattered; it’s that a child raised in a gay home would be more likely to be gay. Stereotypical, naïve… I know. But anyway, they brought the woman to visit foster homes and orphanages around their state. They interviewed children that grew up in the system. At one heartbreaking moment, she was speaking with a grown man who had left foster care at 18 a few years before. He showed her the run down place he had lived; gunfights and murders had been around him his whole life. He grew up threatened by gangs. He didn’t have a decent school to attend. He asked her “Do you really think that it’s better to put a child in that situation for their entire life, than to live with these two loving men? Is that loving as God would love?”
Wow. Bang. That just really slammed into me pretty hard. These men taught their children to be sensitive, loving little people. They were polite; they were smart. They were loving. They went to bed clothed, fed, and warm every night, knowing that they were loved.
That other boy went to bed every night hungry, scared and alone. Wondering how it was even possible that there was a loving God.

One of the male parents got very angry with this woman; and I can see why. She stated that yes, she thought the children should be raised the way that grown man was. And he said “These are my CHILDREN. To think that you would wish that pain upon them is appalling. God works in people, whether they have gay parents or not. Your responsibility as a Christian is to love as Christ loved. You are not doing your job”.

Anyway, I know people have strong feelings both ways about this subject. But I’ve changed my mind. I am no longer against homosexuals adopting children. Does that mean that I am no longer against gay marriage, either? I’m not sure. Biblically, I think it’s wrong. But I think a lot of things are wrong; and I don’t want those things made illegal. Our government is not in place to force people to adhere to Christian standards and principles.

Kareoke

2009-01-10T06:04:00.000-08:00

Today is a good day.
Yesterday I was exhausted. Husband ended up calling into work to take a personal day; he just didn’t want to go, and asked if I wanted to go to a movie. We went to dinner and a movie (Gran Torino was awesome!). We got along well, and I am finding myself more and more fascinated with him. I got into this rut pretty quickly, where I didn’t look at him in that way anymore. I thought I knew him so well; I’m watching him with new eyes. It’s nice. Anyway, the night went pretty good. No miracle; but we had laughs and smiles.

This morning I got up at the crack of dawn (well, actually, about an hour before that) and came in to the office. I have about 3.5 hours of my 6 hour workday left. Then, I have a date with my pillow for a bit. Tonight I have a birthday celebration for a friend from work; karaoke bar, here we come! Husband is coming. He’s never spent time with me and my work friends. I’m hoping he’ll see another side of me; the fun, funny side of me that I haven’t shown as much recently as I should have.

Will Amy sing? No. Please excuse me while I step up onto my soap box.

Here is a conversation I’ve had probably a dozen times in my life:

Friend: Oh, come on Amy, you’ll have fun.
Amy: No I won’t.
Friend: Once you get up there, you’ll loosen up and go with it.
Amy: No I won’t.
Friend: Come on, there’s got to be SOMETHING! I’m gonna pressure you until you get up there and sing; you know that, right?
Amy: *sighs* Seriously, I don’t want to.
Friend: Trust me. Just try.
Amy: I have. No fun.
Friend: Pick one. NOW.
Amy: (flips grumpily through karaoke book and settles on something terrible that she actually knows, like Olivia Newton John). Fine. But it’s not gonna be fun.

Conversation breaks as Amy gets up on stage and grabs the microphone. Gets instructed not to use THAT microphone. Use the next one over. Her heart is thudding. Mouth is dry. Friends are cheering and Amy is about to throw up. The music starts. It sounds different from the original. Amy panics. Starts in too early. Stands still as a statue, sings pretty well, but awkwardly. Halfway through the song, that high note she forgot about comes up. She tries. It flops. Song ends. Amy puts the mic down and goes back to her seat.

Friend: (looking uncomfortable) Was it as bad as you thought it would be?
Amy: Yes. I’m never doing karaoke again.

Cycle continues.

Chug Chug Chug Chug CHOO CHOO!!!

2009-01-09T06:55:00.001-08:00

Scale says 217.5. I don’t blame him; he isn’t the one slacking off. But sometimes I do want to smash him against the wall.

Exhaustion… that’s what I’m feeling. I’ve been to work at 6:30 every day this week, meaning I got up at 5:15-5:30 every morning, and worked until 4:00 – 4:30 pm. We have an online course to finish before we leave for China (February 20!) and we just started it last week. It’s usually a 6 month course, and we are fitting it into 1 month. That means Amy doesn’t get nap time. My brain is fried! Last night the hubby planned on going out after work with some friends. Usually, this means that I lay awake until he gets home; I’m not a great sleeper, and in our studio apartment, I’m always on edge thinking “If I fall asleep, I’m gonna have a heart attack when he comes in our front door” (and that never fails to be true). Figuring I didn’t want to spend another night staring at a computer screen, after doing it for 11 hours at work, I went over to my mom’s and hung out with Mom and sister.

Mario Party for Wii was played, Grey’s Anatomy was watched, and Arby’s was consumed.

I was dropped back home at 11:15 pm. Crawled into bed, set the alarm for 5:15, and laid staring at the ceiling until 2:30, when husband came home.

Today is another long day at work. Afterwards, since I didn’t work on my class yesterday, I am going to be dropped off at Barnes and Noble café to do that all night long. Tomorrow (ON A FREAKING SATURDAY!!) I have to be in the office at 6:00am for another 6 hours of overtime. Honestly, I’m dragging. I used to be able to do this all the time. But now, with the stress of relationship woes, lack of sleep, and stress over leaving the country in a month, my brain is on overload.

Maybe I should take up yoga.

A Bitty Bio

2009-01-08T06:44:00.000-08:00

Some info about me!!!

1. What is more difficult: looking into someones eyes when telling how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they tell you how they feel?
Definitely the first one.

2. Think of the last time you were angry. Why were you angry?
My husband told me he was going to be home late tomorrow because he’s going to the bar with my sister’s best friend and after work. They work together. I was angry because I’m jealous and I don’t think it’s appropriate.

3. You will die in three minutes. Last call?
To Jesus.

4. If you could do anything OR wish anything, what would it be?
I would wish for my marriage to be happy.

5. You can have one of the following two things: trust or love?
Trust. If I have the someone’s trust, they can begin to love me.

6. You are walking to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss told you if you are late one more time youre fired. Do you save the dog?
Absolutely; and I’d be praying that it’s a good enough excuse to not get fired. I’d probably bring the dog as proof.

7. Would you or have you ever blackmailed someone?
Yes, and I’m not proud of it.

8. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you do it?

No. The person who died was ready to go, and suffering; one more hour of life would just be another hour that he spent pleading with God to take him home.

9. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
No. I’m going through a personal breakthrough right now, and this is one of the biggest things I’m focusing on.

10. Does sex=love?
No, unfortunately.

11. Are you old fashioned?
Quite a bit so.

12. Would you marry someone if they were unable to have sex?
If I was in love, and felt led, of course.

13. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
The second. I am very quick to tell someone when I love them.

14. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up?
The love of my life.

15. Romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
Last night.

16. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you have "no regrets" what would you change?
I would have worked not to lose myself these past few years. I would have been honest with myself earlier.

17. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?
My husband.

18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
I don’t know – they say not to give CPR if you aren’t trained. I’m not sure if I would for ANYONE. But whether they’re homeless or not wouldn’t be the determining factor.

19. You are holding onto your grandmother's dying hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other which one would it be?
My grandma – otherwise she would kill me if I let the baby go.

20. When and how was the last time you told someone how you REALLY feel?
Yesterday.

If You had three months to live:
21. Do you tell anyone or everyone you are going to die?
Yes, I tell a few close family members and friends.

22. What do you do with your remaining days?
Praying, spending time with loved ones, maybe writing my story.

23. Would you be afraid?
Absolutely.

24. How old are you?
23 years old – 24 in less than a month.

25. Any pets, past or present?
Well, here we go… Don’t say I didn’t warn you…
Scratch – my first love. I had him from age 1 yr – 18 yrs. He was black and white, fluffy, and the biggest cat you’ve ever seen. He slept with me every night. Towards the end, he was thin and frail. My mom’s alcoholic boyfriend ran over him in the driveway. My mom and I sat on the pavement holding him as he screamed; finally we found a number for an animal ER (it was Sunday) and put him down.
Keisha – A rottweiler my mom took home when she found her at a camp site. She ended up being pregnant, had 12 babies. We kept one. They were half rott, mixed with St. Bernard/blue tick hound (most likely).
Luther - the puppy we kept, grew to be 130 lbs. We sold Keisha when she became too aggressive. We gave Luther to family when he got too big, since they had a huge yard in the country. Their home burned to the ground in the middle of the night. Luther woke them up and watched to make sure all 3 kids and cousin and her husband were out safely. He passed out from the smoke and died in the fire. My huge lovable hero.
Smokey and Sheeba: Two kittens my mom brought home from a farm. Brother and sister; so young we had to bottle feed them and wipe their little bottoms for them. Smokey learned to sleep in the toilet bowl if we accidentally left the seat up. Sheeba was the sweetest girl ever. When I got married, I took both of them; but Husband’s allergies got too bad and mom wouldn’t take them back. We gave them to a friend.
Cartman – My sister’s crazy cat. He’s white, and weighs 30 lbs. He is unable to relax unless he’s laying on a plastic bag. He likes to watch the geese from the porch, and eats lots of cheese.
Baloo: Dog after Luther. We only kept him for a year. Mom adopted him from the humane society, but he didn’t get along with the cats. He started peeing and pooing on the furniture. He was adorable, but terrible on a leash, mean to the kitties, and inconsiderate. He went back to the humane society *frown*
Small animals: I love small animals. I’ve had mice, hamsters, a bunny, and a guinea pig.
Yes, my home was a farm. My mom had too big of a heart.

The Biggest Loser is my Homeboy.

2009-01-07T06:54:00.001-08:00

The Biggest Loser. Do you love it, or hate it?

I am in the “Absolutely adore the show” boat. I am so excited that another season has started. It’s so encouraging to see these people, and their struggles, and know that they are capable of doing this. Yes, of course they have world class trainers, nutritionists, great doctors watching their every move, all day every day to devote to losing weight… but still, it’s impressive and encouraging.

What do I love most about the show? Seeing myself in the contestants. Seeing a girl crying and throwing a whiny fit, and knowing that she is acting the way I just might act. Seeing their faces beet red; their stretch marks out for the world to see; their IMPERFECTIONS. It is so rare to see that nowadays. You start to think that you’re a freak for being the way you are; but then there they are, people like you. People with body flaws, weakness, low self esteem. And the best part is seeing them change. They get stronger. They get thinner. They get fitter. They get more confident; yes, their appearance is more attractive because they are approaching healthy weights; but it’s also because they are happy. They don’t hunch over and try to hide into the background. They carry themselves differently. I think so much of beauty is in your confidence.

What do I dislike the most about the show? Their emphasis on exercise over eating right. Now I KNOW that these people are eating perfectly balanced meals; but they don’t tell us what they are! I want to know what they eat for breakfast. I want to know if they are catered, or if they learn to cook these things on their own. Oh – and the fact that they make these poor people go shirtless for almost the whole show, and then once they lose the weight, they put them in more flattering clothes. Come on, people – they could have the longer workout shirts to begin with. Don’t make those poor big women climb up there in sports bras.

Yes, they are making bank off of the weight loss crisis in America; but they are also changing the lives of a lot of people.

In soapbox conclusion, I heart the Biggest Loser.

Holiday Pictures

2009-01-06T16:10:00.000-08:00

I suppose it is about that time; break out the photos again. Here are some wonderful Christmas tidbits from my crazy family get-together. And just to show my weight loss, I included a pic at my top weight: I was 239 lbs in the picture below. In the rest of the pictures, I was about 214.5 lbs. Not a radical difference, but I can see it in my face.

The picture above is me at the zoo with some friends. That's me in the billowy unflattering top in the front. The teeny chica on the end is 100 lb Ashley. I try to pretend she was really far away in this picture.
To the left is my cousin's son Jakop (Do not ask.. they knew what they were doing when they spelled it this way. It's just that NO ONE ELSE DOES. And that impossibly cute/pretty girl cuddling him is my sister, Becca.

These are my parents dancing. My divorced parents. We are a very wierd family.

This is my dad, holding his holiday cheer. Sister and Dad are wearing unplanned but nevertheless matching shirts.

This is sister, tackling small frail mother. Sister is probably 125 lbs and 5'3. Mom is 5'5 and 105 pounds soaking wet. I feel the stick on my end was a bit short...

This is Husband, kissing a little too eagerly. I am, however, happy with my new glasses; and slightly shrunken double chin.

My other cousin's son Brennan got a sticker book. Stickers went on cheeks instead of in books. Don't I look thrilled.

Recieving my sticker of honor. That sexy thug next to me is Husband. I especially like when he pushes his sleeves up like that. He tried growing his hair out for me once; but the edge was lost.

Ah, that ever present can of holiday cheer. He wore it with pride. I got my... stockiness from my father, as you can see.

Little mommy, cuddled up to older daughter. That pink top Mom is wearing used to be mine. Imagine that. My mom gets my hand-me-downs when I outgrow them.

Amy Jo is getting tuckered out. And her face is looking a bit too round.

Some days I'm seriously feel like I've dropped 20 pounds; but then sometimes, I can't tell the difference. I do know that I feel better when I've styled my hair, put on a bit of makeup, and taken pride in my appearance. I'm learning to dress in a way that is more flattering. My shorter haircut makes my face look less pudgy. I think I look thinner in my cute new glasses. All sorts of little things make me feel better about myself. Today I am back down to 217 after the "Great Christmas Gain". 5 lbs more and I'll be back to where I was before these horrible holidays. This is a serious struggle; but it feels amazing to be packing away my size 20's and feeling a bit of room in my 18's. I love seeing that my belly isn't hanging over my pants as much; and that my chin isn't so flabby. I like that I am able to get my rings on and off; I haven't been able to do that in a year! I like feeling healthier; feeling more flexible. When you've got rolls, you can only twist and bend so much. Things are hard; but this is rewarding.

Dinner tonight? 1 Lean cuisine chicken flatbread and a salad. Our stove isn't working (go figure) and maintenance is "busy". But hey, a microwave can still give a healthy meal!

Britney Spears flavored M&Ms

2009-01-06T06:47:00.000-08:00

Today is going to be a good day. Do you know why?

Because my breakfast was FABULOUS.

I made my oatmeal last night to bring to work. I know that some people think that’s gross… it gets pretty think, and the oats swell up. But I don’t mind, and I definitely don’t have time to make them in the morning. Anyway, I put a pot of 1/2 water/1/2 milk on the stove to bring to a boil. I added rolled oats, some wheat germ, and some ground flax seed (it gives it a yummy nutty taste!). I mashed a banana and whipped that in as it was cooking. I added just a teeeeny bit of honey, because the banana was really sweet. I stirred in a bit of natural peanut butter. Then, I threw a couple walnuts on top, along with 6 butterscotch chips. This morning, I heated it up and stirred it… mmmm butterscotch/peanut butter goodness. But the heaven doesn’t end there. I discovered ¼ of a sugar cookie remaining on the break table. It couldn’t have been more than 30 calories. I crushed it and sprinkled it on top.

I am in a dopey, dreamlike state; definitely under the influence of heavenly oatmeal. Thank you to katheats.com, where I first got hooked on the good stuff. That woman is amazing; she keeps a picture food diary, and eats the way I could only DREAM of eating. I’ve gotten a lot of ideas from her. AND she gets in some serious exercise every single day! But warning: I am stuffed. I have a feeling my tummy isn’t going to rumble until tomorrow!

Anyway, what’s my plan today? I have to work some overtime… got to the office at the crack of dawn, and I’ll be leaving at about 4:30pm. I came prepared, with a lean cuisine for lunch (only 230 calories… to balance out my energy-filled high calorie breakfast), a fruit leather, and a fiber 1 bar. Tonight I have laundry to do, and online course to delve into (for China) and a new soup recipe to make.

I had a moment yesterday – a horrible, eye-opening moment. Have you ever had one of those moments where it just hit you that you have a serious serious problem? Yesterday, I had one of those. My husband bought 100 calorie packs of M&Ms for my stocking this year. That was wonderful, except that when I opened my stocking, I put everything back in afterwards. I just finally started going through the Christmas pile and putting things away yesterday. The M&Ms were interspersed with… perfumes and scented soaps. The little baggies smelled exactly like Curious by Britney Spears. Instead of wrinkling my nose and throwing them in the trash, I opened a package, wondering if they tasted like perfume too. They did. A terrible, scented, chemical taste. Did I throw them in the trash at that point? No. I finished the bag. Then grabbed another bag, ran to the sink, RINSED MY SCENTED M&Ms, and sprinkled them on top of a 100 calorie pudding! Yes, I have problems. Problem #1: I should know better than to get all these “low calorie snacks”. What registers in my brain is “Yay! Now I can have three of these, and it’s only 300 calories!” . Problem # 2: I am obsessed with chocolate. I washed perfume off my M&Ms and ATE them, gosh darn it!

So what am I going to do about this? First, I am tossing these M&Ms when I get home. It was a sweet gesture on the husband’s part, but I am not going to keep them and use that as an excuse to eat them. Second, I am going to stop buying 100 calorie packs, low fat puddings, etc; I need fruit and veggies. I need grains and protein. Not low calorie useless gunk.

Mega Church?

2009-01-05T05:43:00.000-08:00

Bad weekend. Don’t ask.

Top weight since Christmas? 223 lbs.

I climbed back on my rickety old wagon this weekend, and what did the scale tell me this morning? 218.5 lbs. So at least there is something to be happy about! Yesterday’s menu:

Breakfast: oatmeal (banana, a bit of honey, natural PB, and some butterscotch chips)
Lunch: Whole wheat pita with tuna salad, small side salad
Dinner: Huge bowl of steamed veggies (broccoli, carrots, cauliflower) covered with ½ serving of cheese broccoli soup, yogurt
Snacks: 100 calorie banana pudding cup with light cool whip on top, 100 calorie pack of M&Ms

Yes, I know… the snacks weren’t good choices. But I’m going through crap, and PMSing big time; chocolate has a way of helping a person cope. And I didn’t go crazy – only about 230 calories for both snacks put together. I felt very fulfilled by my meals. I worried that my dinner wouldn’t have enough calories to last me; but that huge heaping bowl kept me full for several hours!

I think I’ve found a church that I want to stay at. It’s a church I never would have even attended before; it’s almost what you’d call a “mega-church”. It’s huge. The kind of church you can walk into and disappear. I always thought that was a cop-out. The church I attended from elementary school through my first year of marriage had 300 members, and was a conservative Baptist church. I’d eye these churches and think “that church is full of wishy-washy people who don’t want to take responsibility for their faith”.

I’ve only been to this new church twice, but it seems nothing like that. The messages are amazing. Currently they are going through a series called “Tough Questions”. They’re tackling subjects like “How can I know whether the Bible is literal or not?” “Is there one “true” religion?” And “If God loves the world so much, how come bad things happen?”. These messages could spell disaster, because the answers can vary so much depending on the person answering them. But so far, the messages have been truly biblically supported, and very encouraging. And I find myself needing to be one of those “wishy-washy Christians” right now. I was wrong to judge them. And to think of them as "wishy-washy" in the first place! I see them now through new eyes. Many of them are very involved in the church; it’s their home, as much as my smaller church was mine. There are many people there that love God, and I’ve met some very genuine believers. I am leaving in 1.5 months. I can’t get involved in ministry at this point. I want to be able to go somewhere to worship and fellowship, and leave my worries and troubles behind. Yesterday was amazing; I walked in sad, discouraged, my heart aching. I walked out rejuvenated. The message was on “Doubt”. It was so encouraging to hear other people’s struggles, and to hear that they were able to push through it, and find God on the other side. We studied Thomas in depth, which I’ve never done. All in all, a wonderful Sunday morning.

So today the diet is kaput once more; I’ve left my lunch in my car, which my husband took to work. So I know that I have a packet of instant plain oatmeal in my drawer; that will be breakfast. I have a Fiber One bar and fruit leather in my purse; snacks! Now I just have to try to find something healthy for lunch; I have Garlic Rice Noodles in my drawer, but they are kinda gross. That, or the vending machine. Maybe just some cashews and a granola bar? *sigh* I wish my brain would work lately.

Zombie

2009-01-02T04:19:00.000-08:00

Today, I am a zombie. I got 4 hours of sleep last night, and this morning my eyes are puffy, my head is pounding, and I keep nodding off! NOT a good way to start the day. Plus, I forgot to bring breakfast AND lunch to work. I’ll have to be creative; I have no car to go pick something up.

Diet is kaput. I haven’t weighed myself in a couple days; three days ago, though, I was 221 lbs. That’s a 7 lb gain this month. And I haven’t changed things. I know I need to; I feel tired, dizzy, and sick. My body hates fast food and candy. It’s in veggie withdrawal. Why do I do this to myself? *sigh* But today is a new day. A new day.

Yesterday’s love dare? Ask your spouse to name three things that irritate them about you.

I knew it would not go over well. He looked at me like I was crazy, then like he was offended. I explained that I just wanted to know three things that I could work on. He told me there’s no point in working on anything, it won’t make a difference; and anyway, he’s told me all the things that irritate him already, I should know the answer to that question. I was actually thinking the same thing before I asked, but I didn’t feel right skipping that day’s dare. We fell into a very emotional, tearful heart-to-heart. I feel like a weight has been lifted; we didn’t argue, or get angry. I even felt some sympathy from him at one point; he’s seemed so cold and distant lately, it was nice to see compassion. I made sure he knows I still love him, and I am working to become a better wife; that I couldn’t imagine life without him. Sadly, he shared that it’s not that he’s figuring out IF he wants to leave me; it’s a matter of WHEN he will have the guts to actually do it. He said he didn’t see the point in going to China. It wouldn’t change anything, and he wants to leave. He doesn’t want to give our relationship more time.

A lot of people have counseled us not to go; close friends that know we’re having trouble. I’ve prayed about this, and thought hard. I came to the conclusion about a week ago that we NEED to do this. I need to have one last chance to see if anything can change. I still love him. I know that I’ve made mistakes, and that I continued making them, and hurting him. And I’ve stopped them. But he hasn’t had a chance to see what life is like with me DIFFERENT. And if we don’t go to China in 1.5 months, he will be gone in 2 months. If we go, we have 10 more months really think about this. I don’t want 4 years of marriage to be thrown away without giving it the time, work, and effort it deserves. I need to TRY.

I explained my feelings last night. He moaned, cried, complained. It was heart breaking knowing that I was arguing for my last chance. That if China doesn’t happen, our marriage ends almost immediately. Those are high stakes. In the end, he promised me that he will go; we’ve already put a lot of money into this trip, as have our families. We’ve sold many of our belongings, and I’ve put in notice at work. And he admitted that even if he doesn’t love me, it will be an amazing experience culturally.

Will it be hard, not having anyone? Having only him as an English-speaking companion? Absolutely. Will there be many lonely, sad nights? Of course there will be. But I am not giving up this marriage without a fight. A loving, compassionate fight.

Happy New Years Eve!

2008-12-31T04:46:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a wonderful day life-wise. I went to the mall after work and walked… bought a fluffy gray hoodie for the Husband. Diet wise, still fell. I don’t know what is going on these past few weeks. I’m having such difficulty trying to put full effort into my diet, and into my relationship. If anyone has some wonderful wise advice, feel free to share; I think, however, the answer is just to DO it. *sigh*

Anyway, today is going to be a good day too; I’ve already decided that. I have to work until 3:00, then home for a little nap. After that, it’s off to the in-laws for a fun filled date night of dinner, movies, and games. I love my in-laws; they’re quirky, sweet, funny, and genuinely fun to be around. And I’m very glad that Husband decided to spend New Years with them instead of in a bar with his work friends.

China update? We were told we have a possible placement in Zhejiang province, on the east coast. It is a high school. We’re getting really excited, but the nervousness is kicking in too. They may want us as early as 2/20 – that means less than two months away!

I'm the Cookie Monster.

2008-12-30T04:15:00.000-08:00

Diet? Today I am 219 lbs. .5 lbs lighter than yesterday. But I still did poorly. It’s like there’s this other person that takes over. Amy is a determined, strong woman who is taking control of her life and her health. But then this nasty, wicked little person comes swooping in and shoves chocolate and haystack cookies in my mouth. I ate 4 of those cookies yesterday. 2 for breakfast, and 2 later. I cleaned the kitchen a bit, and in a moment of strength, slid all the leftover cookies into the trash can. I was going to bring them to work today, but I know I would have eaten more last night.

No matter, I found other ways to sabotage myself. I ate 3 mini-candy bars. I ate a bag of chocolate “High School Musical” coins my mom gave me (don’t ask). I had laughing cow and triscuits. I ate 1 piece of fudge (although that “piece” was about 2 inches by 4 inches). I decided I had had enough calories, so I was just going to have some slimfast and a tiny bit of leftover oatmeal for dinner. Then, once again, the evil took over and I put oil and hash browns in the frying pan, then slathered them with margarine and ate that. Then another candy bar. *sigh* I have a problem. And when I’m stressed, or hurting, it is so much worse. At least in China, I won’t have all that stuff so easily accessible!

Day 2 of the Love Dare went well. Husband didn’t mention the cleaning when he got home from his first job, just came in and took a nap. Which he needed. Before I went to bed, I wrote a long, sad entry in my daily journal, discouraged that this is not going to work. Yes, there was a pity party and I was the only one who attended. But then, at 12:30am when he got home (Mondays he comes home late), he thanked me out of nowhere for all the work I did. My heart grew really big and I felt loads better. I know we have a LONG LONG LONG way to go… but I’m optimistic. He’s teaching himself to beatbox, and he’s already really good! It’s nice to see him happy, and excited about something new. And he’s been sharing it with me, which makes me happy to no end. No, I don’t beatbox; no, I don’t have a huge interest in hearing it in normal situations. But I do have a huge interest in his happiness, and in listening to his interests, and showing him that I love him, and want to share with him the things he’s passionate about. I couldn’t have said that a month ago; but now I mean it. And it’s freeing.

Day 3’s dare? To buy something for my husband that tells him I was thinking of him. He takes the car to work, so I can’t drive myself anywhere today. I have two choices; I can either a)buy him a candy bar out of the office vending machine, or b) have him drop me off at the mall for some walking and window shopping, and find something there. I don’t want to do this halfway. I’m exhausted, and my lady time is starting today, so I’ve got cramps; but buying a candy bar is a cop-out. And more than that, it’s not even that great, because I bring him food often, and he has a bunch of snacks left from Christmas. This is my marriage, and our happiness on the line; I’m putting everything in that I can. So the mall it is!

Cleaning Queen

2008-12-29T09:02:00.000-08:00

Day 1 of the Love Dare was yesterday. I think I did pretty well, except for a bump towards the end. I was working hard not to say anything negative at all, not to bicker, and definitely not to fight. There was a slip up, but I feel that I handled it fairly well; mostly it was miscommunication, and also the mistakes I've made in the past made the situation hard to resolve. But I had a good day, relationship wise; went to a wonderful church service, watched Star Trek movies, went to see Marley and Me in the theater (what a cute tear-jerker!). Altogether, definitely a day of rest.

Diet wise? I'm a wreck. The holidays were not handled as they should have been. And yesterday I *gasp* had cookies for breakfast, McDonalds for lunch, and Burger King for dinner. With popcorn, fudge, and cookies in between. The damage of the past week and a half? 5.5 lbs. That's right... I was 214. I am now 219.5. But I'm thinking positively. This morning, cookies for breakfast. That was a slip-up. A few minutes ago, 2 squares of chocolate. But I prayed, and knew that I would have to admit this here; so I washed some sweet potatoes, and I'm thawing some fish. I am climbing back on the diet wagon, even if I'm climbing a little unsteadily.

Day 2 of the challenge; do something nice for your spouse. I've been thinking about this. Today is the day that he works both jobs, then goes to the bar/bowling alley with his friends after work for "$3.50 burrito night". I don't see him much. I can't make a nice meal, because he's gonna eat lunch before he gets home. I can't make him dinner; I am marooned without a car, so I can't go buy a sweet gift. I COULD write a sweet note or something, but I don't think he's ready; it might make him frustrated and upset. So I just decided that I'm going to be Suzy Homemaker. I have never been great about keeping up on dishes, laundry, cleaning. Neither is he. I go through spurts where things are great, and I'm a neat freak, but then it just falls back into a dump. It's even harder because we're saving for China and live in a 350 sq ft studio apartment. Our stuff doesn't fit. How do you keep somewhere that small neat? Our food and dishes don't fit in the cabinets. Our clothes don't fit in the closet. We eat dinner at the foot of the bed, on our oak chest, because there isn't room for chairs or a table. But I'm doing my best. I've done 3 loads of laundry, dishes, and lots of scrubbing. I don't want him to worry about whether his clothes are clean, or what that wierd smell is. I want him to be able to come home to a clean, comfortable home, where he can feel calm. With my new positive attitude, and willingness to get things done, hopefully that will start coming true!

Not So Christmas

2008-12-26T18:34:00.001-08:00

This year lacked that "Christmas" feeling. Most of it has to do with the state of my marital relationship. (It's been over a week, like I said, so I can mention it again!). It was very hard to get in the Christmas spirit knowing that my husband no longer believes in Christ. It was also hard because he still does not love me (understandably, a couple weeks has not changed that) and we had several fights. But tonight was a wonderful night, and God has provided yet another bit of hope for my broken self. Wanna know the story?

I had a dinner date with my best friend from childhood, Kristin. She picked me up and we drove to the restaurant. While we were waiting, my other closest friend, Keyla, walked in the door.
Why is this unusual, you might ask?
Because, dear friends, Keyla lives in Delaware. I am in Michigan. She and her husband came to visit family for Christmas, but that family lives almost 2 hours away. Keyla is the friend who is married to a youth pastor. She has been a great comfort to me in the past month or two as I've been struggling with my relationships with Husband and God. She's shared godly wisdom, which I have eaten up. But it was hard knowing that she was many states away. She moved about 5 months ago. But today, she drove to my city and suprised me at dinner. My friends are the best. And Kristin is so good at keeping secrets! They've been secretly plotting this for a MONTH!

The hopeful part of the night? Besides feeling that I had some serious warriors praying for us, Keyla also gave me a gift. When I unwrapped it, I found the book "Love Dare", which is what the new movie "Fireproof" is based on. The book is a challenge for married people who are seriously struggling in their marriage. It gives you one thing to do every day for 40 days. These are hard things, and it gives scripture passages, as well as a section each day explaining the concept behind that day's dare (pride, jealousy, selfishness, not cherishing, etc).

This book may be the foundation I need to rebuild my marriage. I already read ahead, and I'm both excited, as well as humbled. I am seeing a lot of areas that I have failed as a wife. But this is my chance to truly love my husband unconditionally. This new possibility is the best Christmas gift God could have given me.
an excerpt from tomorrow, day 1:

"Patience helps you give your spouse permission to be human. It understands that everyone fails. When a mistake is made, it chooses to give them more time than they deserve to correct it."

Warning: Chubby Girl Venting

2008-12-23T06:02:00.000-08:00

I’m having issues at the moment.
My favorite pair of work pants are TOO BIG. This is a most serious predicament! For a moment, I found myself thinking “I need to gain a little more weight back, so that I can fit into these cute pants.”
WHAT THE HECK?!
No, I do not. I am still 216.5 lbs. I do not need to gain weight back for ANY reason. Certainly not so that a pair of plain brown Dockers pants will sit pretty on my wide hips.

But honestly, I’m starting to go through this weird process. My favorite pink New York and Company fleece fits better than it ever has. That makes me happy. My pajama pants are once more a bit baggy, like they were supposed to be. My button-down work shirts are finally laying flat against my body, instead of tugging the life out of those poor buttons. My knee-length black wool coat I bought 3 years ago once again buttons at the breast, making it possible to wear it out without having to explain why I never wear my coat closed.

All of those things make me happy. But at the same time? My Dockers don’t fit. My size 20/22 jeans are all too baggy, but I don’t want to buy more 18’s (my new size!) because I’m hopefully only going to be this size for a little bit longer before I’m wearing 16’s. bras are getting big, which I am seriously upset about. All through high school, I was a size A. Today, I am a C. I LIKE being a C. But as expected, those girlies are one of the first things to go.

My weight started coming off just my belly. That was nice. But now it’s falling off my boobs and my butt. My pants are saggy in the back. I always had a perky hind end, and it’s starting to… deflate. I know that if I want to fix that, I need to get some serious exercise in; but finding the gumption/opportunities is proving harder than I wish it was.

On the upside, I’m dealing with these problems because I’M LOSING WEIGHT!

One more chubby girl grievance; what’s with plus-sized pants? I’ve noticed a HUGE change in pants between 18’s and 20’s. What is that change? The back of the pants. Yes, ladies, apparently when you hit that size 20 point, your but gets a lot longer. Because my new 18’s are lower, and are at the same height in the back that they are in the front. My 20’s, however, were about 3 inches higher in the back. They made my butt look all long and frumpy (okay, a size 20 but is a bit frumpy) but still, they change the measurements in plus-sized pants. I know 18’s are still “plus-sized”, but I can find them on Juniors rack at JC Penney, and I can find them at the GAP! I used to be at the point where I HAD to shop either at Old Navy (they have jeans up to a size 20), the Target plus sized section, or JC Penney’s “woman” section. Lane Bryant’s clothes just didn’t fit me right. But the other day, I was at the mall, and I slipped into jeans at the GAP, Macy’s, New York & Company, and Vanity. And I even fit cutely in a pair of size 16 Tommy Hilfiger jeans! Too bad they were $80….

Happy Christmas Eve Eve, folks. I’m in the office while yet another winter storm rages outside. Today will be a test in my willpower; I will be making cookies, fudge, and more fudge. Figures my mom sticks me with the treat that I love the most.

Couldn’t I have been responsible for the shrimp dip, instead? That stuff is gross.

It is going to be a white, white Christmas.

2008-12-22T07:02:00.001-08:00

For people who have never lived in one of the northern states, it is hard to imagine what this is like. And unless you’ve lived in MICHIGAN, you don’t get the full effect. Surrounded by huge bodies of water, we get dumped on. It is what we affectionately call “lake effect snow”. And we get a lot of it.

We’ve been hit by two winter storms in the past week. We have well over a foot of snow. Plows can’t get through fast enough. It’s too cold for salt to do anything to the roads. People are being plowed into their parking spots. Police are asking that people stay off the roads unless absolutely necessary. I didn't go to church on Sunday, because they all closed! I was even up and ready to go, but couldn't find one open in the area.

I LOVE this. I can’t ever imagine living somewhere without these 4 very distinct seasons. Sure, it gets annoying. I don’t like spending half an hour digging my car out in the morning, or chipping the ice off my windshield with a CD case because I snapped my show brush in half. But it’s gorgeous; and it creates this very “homey” feeling. And it’s about to get homier, because another big one is on the way for tomorrow, and also on Christmas Eve. Christmas day will have a break, but then another one is coming next weekend. Many of the surrounding counties even have BLIZZARD warnings!

Why all of this boring back story stuff? Because I am amazed by the kindness of people. I was raised to think the worst of people, I think. When I get a flat tire, I never even consider the possibility that someone will stop and help. And when I get stuck in the snow at the entrance to Olive Garden, I don’t think that a nice man with a huge SUV is going to plow on through and throw his J-Crew-clad self under the hood of my car into the nasty dirty road snow to clip a tow cable onto my bumper. But it happens!
And I never expect a chubby, friendly looking teenage girl to pull her little escort over and help me push my car out of the driveway of Arby’s when I’ve sunk into at least 3 feet of snow. I don’t expect a mini-van to pull up and spill out two tiny Mexican girls yelling only Spanish, who come up behind the car and give it that final shove that sends us rolling into the turn lane, out of the Wendy’s parking lot. But it happens; because people are much better than I tend to think. Go, good Samaritans!

I see a pattern here; I believe God is punishing me for eating so much junk this weekend. Every time we went to get junk food, we got stuck. And God threw some nice people our way, as if to say “Yeah, seriously, you need to learn your lesson. But just to drive my point home, I’ll show that even though you suck at dieting this weekend, I’m gonna take care of you. Because you need to love me more than your curly fries”.

Am I serious? No… well, maybe a little. I fell flat on my face this weekend. Fell off the wagon. And got ran over by it. And it was FUN. But not so fun when I saw the scale this morning, and I’m back up to 216.5 lbs. Here is just a snippet of the junk I ate this weekend:
Olive Garden: Minestrone soup, breakstick salad
La Cantina: Chips and cheese, bean dip, chicken tacos
Arby’s: Roast beef with cheddar and bacon, curly fries
Wendy’s: 1 snackwrap and small fry
Plus… Chinese food, chocolate bar, 2 Starbucks Peppermint Hot Chocolates.

Seeing that, I’m actually a little amazed that I only gained 2 lbs. I don’t know what happened; Husband and I were wanting munchies. We had a decent weekend, and since we were “snowed in”, watching movies all weekend, naturally we had to go OUT for junk food, to bring BACK. Yeah, not logical. Anyways, I fell. And I’m scraping my snowy self back up off the ground, and I’m going to keep going; because I love feeling healthier, prettier, better. And I’m not going to let some FOOD stop me from that!

Blizzard

2008-12-20T07:18:00.000-08:00

This week has been one wierd week.

Monday - wednesday: I was out of work sick with strep throat. NOT fun.

Wednesday: Went to work at 6:00 am. Power went out at 6:30. Generator did not kick on. Stuck around office until 9:30 am, then left. (note: Power was fixed at 9:45. Go figure.)

Friday: Went to work at 6:30 am. Blizzard in progress. As the morning continued, the snow continued to blow, and the snow against the window was almost thigh high in places because of the wind. Office closed early at 1:00pm.

So here I am, saturday morning, in a winter wonderland. I SHOULD take some pictures for you, but I can't find my camera. It took half an hour to dig my friend's car out of the parking lot, and another for her to make the .75 mile drive to my apartment. We got stuck 3 times, and had to exit the car and use the shovel.

Snow angels were made.

Last night, Husband and I fell asleep to the picture and sounds of the Nutcracker on TV (it was set on a sleep timer to turn off). It was very nice, and a favorite Christmas tradition. This morning I'm getting ready for a soup and salad lunch with one of my best friends from high school. We're meeting at Olive Garden, my favorite place for soup!

This weekend is going to be good; lots of cooking, a little shopping, and a date with my mom and sister for the 4 of us to play Mario Kart on our Wii. Yes, my mom plays with the Wii. She borrowed it and has this odd fascination with it. She's a wierd mom; loves Nascar too. But she's endearing. And I'm becoming better and better friends with her as I get older.

Have a great weekend!

French Women and Timeclock Christmas Wishes

2008-12-19T06:49:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I finished a fabulous book; French Women Don’t Get Fat: The Secret of Eating for Pleasure. I absolutely HEART this book. There are so many absolutely wonderful points in it. Here are a few of my favorite points (paraphrased, because I don’t currently have the book with me).

French women eat smaller portions of more things. We eat larger portions of fewer things.
French women take time to enjoy their food. They smell it, taste it, let it melt in their mouths. They never eat on the run.
French women take the time to focus on their meals. They sit at the table without the TV. They pour a glass of wine and artfully arrange food on their plates.
French women eat good food in moderation. They don’t eat nonfat, lowfat, or sugar free. They eat the best bread, the best chocolate, and the best cheese, and because of that, they need less to feel satisfied.
French women don’t set time aside to exercise. They walk all day long. They take the stairs up to their apartment instead of the elevator. They lead more active lifestyles.
French women eat large mid-day meals and light suppers, usually soup.
French women drink a lot of water.

There are more points I could hit, because there were so many great ones in this book. It’s about a lifestyle, not a diet. They can enjoy food in a way we usually don’t. They would not imagine of eating a snickers bar as they walked out the door. They will sit down with a glass of wine and a couple small pieces of good, quality chocolate. Not the milk chocolate stuff, but the dark stuff. They savor the flavor, and take in all of the great antioxidants as well, without all the added sugar and junk that our milk chocolate has in it. There are some great soup recipes in this, and also a yummy breakfast idea!

Banana Pie
½ cup plain yogurt
½ banana, sliced thin
Wheat germ
Honey

Mix together with the amounts of wheat germ and honey that please your tastes. Enjoy!
It seems so simple; but definitely something I’m going to try, now that I have wheat germ in the house!

I can’t seem to get back into my diet groove! Yesterday I didn’t do terrible, but I felt undernourished a bit, and I went to bed with a seriously rumbling tummy.
Breakfast: ½ asiago cheese bagel with cream cheese
Lunch: yet another sampler platter. Reduced fat triscuits, laughing cow, healthy choice deli ham. Some raw green beans and hummus. Yogurt and cherries.
Snack: tootsie roll (100 calorie package)
Dinner: garden salad with cucumber, carrots, green peppers, and broccoli with raspberry vinaigrette. Fruit cup with strawberry, pineapple, watermelon, cantelope, and kiwi.

The issue? I didn’t have filling snacks. And my dinner was very low calorie. BUT, at least I saw something remarkable this morning: Scale says 214.5. 24 ½ lbs are gone from my tubby body, never to return (well, at least not to return PERMANANTLY). And that feels GOOD.

I leave you with a bit of Christmas cheer this morning, found in my work inbox. Someone has a bit too much time on their hands.
*names have been changed. At least a few of the weird ones.

Twas the week before Christmas, when all through MMS
Not a creature was stirring, especially not the cleaning crew.
The time clock had been hung by the office door with care,
In hopes that all of you soon would be there.
The employees were nestled all snug in their cubicles,
Some complaining it’s hot, next to those who were not,
and Dr. White in his ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just wanted to know how to fold this darn map.
When out in the office there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
I looked behind the door and I looked in the trash.
The time clock’s not working, it even stopped hissing,
and Caleb’s e-mail said he thought it was missing!
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a bare wall where the time clock used to be.
Then a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Rick.
More rapid than eagles some employees they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
"Now Becky! now, Brenda! now, Lisa and Asheley!
On, Millie! On, Mandi! on Kelly and Wendy!
To the front conference room! to the top of the wall!
Now find it! Now Find it! Now find it - you all!"
And then, in a twinkling, I heard from the lobby
There’s a guy here who thinks selling art is his hobby.
As I sent him away and was turning around,
All the way from Coopersville, Bob came in with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
You see he had just replaced a bunch of light bulbs,
And he looked like a peddler, selling imported zulbs (hey…it rhymes).
His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how crimson!
And people still confuse him for some guy named Mel Gibson!
He said it was way way too cold out there,
And the beard of his chin was as thin as his hair.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
From eating all those M&M’s that he kept for himself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know that he must be brain dead.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his desk,
And wrote this little e-mail to let you all know.
That the time clock is broke!He threw it out in the snow!
So until it is fixed, or until it’s returned,
Write your times in very neatly so Deb’s not concerned.
So with that I must close, and with all of my might,
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Black Out

2008-12-18T07:09:00.000-08:00

Today, sickie was in the office at 6:30 AM. At 6:45, the lights went out. The computer shut off. The caller ID went blank. All was dark, and all was quiet in that little medical billing office.
It stayed that way for 3 hours. Amy filed medical charts. She took staples out of paperwork. She filled our VA forms. She pretended to work. She pretended to pretend to work. Finally, she asked to go home.

This is how I once again am sitting at home at 10:10AM. I got sick of being paid to do nothing (me and my darn concience). The power outage had several people sitting, enjoying Panera bagels and Starbucks. I admit, I gave in to a low-carb asiago cheese bagel. I ate half, with cream cheese.

Anyway, today I am 215.5 pounds. Why the .5 lb gainage, do you ask? Let me explain.

I was a bad girl.

Yesterday I went to the mall for the evening. I was stir-crazy, and feeling spritely. So far that day I had had a bowl of cheerios and some chocolate mousse yoplait yogurt (my favorite EVER. It's fabulous... but at 160 calories, not exactly the best choice). We stopped at Wendy's and I had 1 spicy chicken wrap and a small fry. Not terrible, but not a good idea.
I decided to go to a movie. I hit the mall candy store to get cheaper munchies (should not have). I got a small box of junior mints, and a 5 package of Rolos. I then also got a chocolate mocha at the movie. More on the movie later... but afterwards, I wandered, tried on dresses again (I like doing this once a week, it makes me feel good to look cute, and to know that I'm shrinking!). I finally found my footing and got a light dinner of 1 tossed salad (with carrots, cucumbers, green peppers, and broccoli, with rasberry vinigrette) and a bowl of fresh fruit. yuuummmmm....

Anyway, the movie I saw was The Duchess. I did not expect much of this movie, but it was the cheap movie for the night ($3.50). I was suprised to find that I was in tears through much of the movie.
The story is of a woman who marries very young, and soon finds out that she is in a loveless marriage. Her husband is a Duke (obviously), and wants only to get an heir from her. He takes on mistresses, and makes his wife raise a daughter he fathered with a maid that passed away. The story follows her life, her struggles with concieving a son (she has two girls), and her love story with another man. I don't approve of adultry, so that part of the story made me feel less for her, but I connected intensely in many areas.
There is one part towards the end of the movie that had me in serious tears. (Don't read this if you don't want to know the ending!). Her husband tells her that if she continues her affair (even though he is fine with all of his dalliances) he will kick her out and make sure her children never see her again. She chooses to stay with him and break things off with the man she loves. She knows she is entering into a life of sadness. The two of them are sitting together, and her husband tells her that he wants things to work out. He is still cold, still unloving. But he places his hand on hers very lightly. Her eyes tear up, and you can see the moment of decision on her face. She places her hand over his, and then they break apart and go their separate ways. They do not love each other. But they stay together.

Do I want this? Of course not. Do I think that this will be how my marriage continues? I pray it won't. BUT, I know that feeling that she had when he touched her, because I've felt it recently. I feel it when my husband holds my hand at the mall, or when he touches the small of my back as I walk through a door. He does not love me, but the contact gives me comfort. And I can continue. And I will continue. And if I can't find love from him, I will not search for it in another man; I will search for it in God. And God will give me the strength I need to glorify him in my role as a wife to my husband. I will give him my love, and I will give him the respect that God demands I give him.

I am not going to blog about my marriage for the next week; I am going to pray, and work at it, and talk to my pastor friend. We'll see if that makes a difference.

Today, I Am Encouraged.

2008-12-17T08:26:00.001-08:00

First, I would like to give a thankyou to my dear blog friend, Debby from http://debbyweighsin.wordpress.com/. After reading a comment from her, my heart was heavy, knowing that I needed support from a different source than simply myself and this blog. I am not regularly attending a church, and do not have a pastor that I can go to. I do not have the money for marriage counseling; but I do have a dear dear friend who is a pastor's wife, and I've turned to her and her husband for some godly advice.
The answer was so simple; she just flipped open the Bible, and let God guide me through a passage in 1 Peter. We were reading the Message. This is technically a paraphrasing of the Bible, but more understandable. I know this passage in KJV and NSV, so reading it in this different format effected me in a different way.

1 Peter 3
1-4The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition.
4-6Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in. The holy women of old were beautiful before God that way, and were good, loyal wives to their husbands. Sarah, for instance, taking care of Abraham, would address him as "my dear husband." You'll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unanxious and unintimidated.
8-12Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless—that's your job, to bless. You'll be a blessing and also get a blessing. Whoever wants to embrace life and see the day fill up with good, Here's what you do:
Say nothing evil or hurtful;
Snub evil and cultivate good;
run after peace for all you're worth.
God looks on all this with approval,
listening and responding well to what he's asked;
But he turns his back on those who do evil things.
13-18If with heart and soul you're doing good, do you think you can be stopped? Even if you suffer for it, you're still better off. Don't give the opposition a second thought. Through thick and thin, keep your hearts at attention, in adoration before Christ, your Master. Be ready to speak up and tell anyone who asks why you're living the way you are, and always with the utmost courtesy. Keep a clear conscience before God so that when people throw mud at you, none of it will stick. They'll end up realizing that they're the ones who need a bath. It's better to suffer for doing good, if that's what God wants, than to be punished for doing bad. That's what Christ did definitively: suffered because of others' sins, the Righteous One for the unrighteous ones. He went through it all—was put to death and then made alive—to bring us to God.

I'm letting go. I'm going to love my husband with everything I have in me; but I am going to love and serve my Lord, first and foremost. He will guide me. I will continue to seek godly guidance, and to focus on doing good. I am going to be a light for my husband. I am going to focus on growing in the Lord, and on putting my trust in him.

I know not everyone is a Christian; and I don't know if any "lurkers" read this, or if it's just my own small audience. To non-believers, this may sound crazy. But to me, it sounds like peace. It sounds like a haven in the darkness. It sounds like I'm finally running to my Father instead of trying to find strength within myself that I simply do not have.

This is a Phillips, Craig, and Dean song that my husband introduced me to in high school, when we were best friends. I found such comfort in this song when I was struggling. Today I pulled the music up and focused on the lyrics. I found again the comfort that God gave me so many years ago.

WHEN GOD RAN
Almighty God,
the great I am
Immovable rock, omnipotent, powerful,
awesome Lord
Victorious warrior,
commanding King of Kings
Mighty conqueror,
and the only time
the only time I ever saw Him run
CHORUS:
Was when He ran to me,
He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest,
said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face,
wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said,“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise when God ran

The day I left home I knew I’d broken His heart
And I wondered then if things could ever be the same
Then one night I remembered His love for me
And down that dusty road ahead I could see
It was the only time – it was the only time I ever saw Him run
And then He ran to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest,
said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face,
wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said,“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise
as He brought me to my knees
When God ran – I saw Him run to me

One more comment, although I know this is long.
Last night I watched the Biggest Loser. That show amazes me. I was sitting on my bed, dipping my fresh cherries in my chocolate yogurt, thoroughly enjoying my healthy, decadent evening snack. I was laughing with these people, crying with them. I get so INTO the show. These are real people, accomplishing things they only dreamed of. One thing that Jillian said absolutely bowled me over; she said
"In order to truly be successful in weight loss, you have to first tackle the other inner demons".
I saw that through Michelle's struggle with her mother on the show, and through many of the other contestants. I started thinking about how hard it is to focus on me, on improving my feeling of self-worth and self-confidence when I'm constantly having to battle with my husband. When I've started to develop a little sprout of hope, or confidence, it's immediately dashed. In order for me to be able to be successful in my weight loss, I need to put more effort into that other problem area in my life. I am not going to find what I want inside of me; I will not find it from my other half, either. I must find my worth in Christ. i must find my strength to get healthier in Christ, as well as my strength to be a loving and GODLY wife in Christ. It sounds so simple; yet I feel like I'm preparing for the toughest battle of my life. But I'm putting on my armor, and stepping up.

Another Fun Sick Day

2008-12-16T10:19:00.000-08:00

The doctor had diagnosed me with strep throat. What does that mean? Yet another day off of work! I'm not feeling SICK, just coughy-sore throaty. But I am advised that I am HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS. Thus, today is my second day lounging around home. And I have tomorrow off too :)
Husband is picking up my antibiotics as I type this (along with some Taco Bell for himself). I'm on a weight loss high, and managed to scrape together the strength to tell him "No, I don't want a taco. I'll have one of their special Fresco fruit drinks, but that's it". That's right, I've hit a new number! Scale this morning? 215. That was my goal for Thanksgiving, and it took a bit longer to get here, but I'm here! I have yesterday's self-control to thank for it.

breakfast: 2 Kashi waffles with natural PB+honey
morning snack: 2 dried apricots and a handful of walnuts
lunch: sampler platter with kashi crackers, laughing cow cheese, turkey pepperoni, yogurt, cherries, green beans, hummus
afternoon snack: carrots and hummus
dinner: 1 whole wheat english muffin topped with laughing cow, 2 slices deli ham, and 1 fried egg. Also had a heaping bowl of steamed carrots and cabbage

I also sipped 3 cups of green tea, and lots of water. I feel good today. I want to see 214 by the end of the week.

Reality check: China is less than 2.5 months away. There is SO MUCH TO DO! I will be setting up a blog for family and friends while we are away. I think I will put the link on here, so that I can still be followed. I'm pretty sure I was told that Blogspot is banned in China (so is Facebook, Myspace, and many other popular sites). I'm assured, however, that my JourneyEast blog will be fully functional. Look forward to watching our adventures, hearing our stories, and hopefully watching me shrink in pictures!

Playing Hookie

2008-12-15T05:31:00.000-08:00

Or is it hooky? I never did know that...

This weekend was full of ups and downs. Friday, Husband came to pick me up at Barnes and Noble after he got off of work. I had had a good night reading magazines and cookbooks, and his parents had shown up to do some shopping (in case you didn't know, the Barnes and Noble Cafe is one awesome place.. for losers like us *wink*). He came with news that he was going to the bar with people from work and I could come, or I could stay home and he would go. This put me in a predicament; do I go, when I know it's just going to be a bunch of people getting drunk, or do I stay home and pray that he isn't one of the ones driving home? This whole "change" he is going through is very hard for me. I don't know where my place is, and its so hard to see him now around other people. He never used to swear, he used to be sweet, polite... now he drops F-bombs everywhere and bad-talks the guys he works with, tries to get me to act in ways I don't feel confortable acting. It's hard. Do I avoid it, or do I be there for him and show that I'm trying to be a part of this new "life" of his?
I made my choice; I went. His friends were drunk before we even got there. It was a few hours of drunk people milling around, and watching vampire-looking girls rubbing up on guys that were pinned up against walls. The club was so loud you couldn't hold conversations, and there was nowhere to sit, so we kind of all split up anyway. The only person we really talked to was a girl he works with that I'm already jealous of. He talks about her nonstop, and knows all of her relationship woes with her boyfriend, which only makes me think she must also know ours. We went home at about 1:30. I don't understand why that is fun. And I definitely wonder what would have happened had he gone without me. But I tried to keep that to myself, because I'm trying to foster peace here, not open more cans o'worms.
Saturday we finished our Christmas shopping; we spend a couple hours at the mall, braving the crowds and the toy store. We went to see Bolt, the new animated movie about a superhero dog. This was Husband's choice; it was cute, and funny, but not as wonderful as chick flicks always are.
Sunday I got up and went to church. That's right, I actually did it. My mother-in-law picked me up, and we went to a new church together. It was okay, but not what I'm looking for. It was very similar to the church that I left. It was nice to go again, though. I missed the music and the feeling of fellowship that being gathered with other believers gives me. We decided that we'll keep looking, but won't be looking together anymore. Husband mentioned to me that morning that he feels uncomfortable about going with the two of us, so I want to make it so that if he wants to go, he can without feeling that way. Also, the two of us (mom and I) are looking for something very different, and I don't think our searches are very compatible. But it was nice!
Husband and I then did more shopping: Target, and grocery shopping, along with yet another movie. It was nice, we came home, and watched some Star Trek and Funniest Home Videos. All in all, a busy weekend; and somewhat heartbreaking.

I thought things were getting better; Husband was smiling more, we were doing things together, he was kissing me a bit more, holding my hand. He's been more talkative. I really thought we were getting somewhere; and he shared that nothing has changed. He isn't in love with me, and he can't stand me. He has a hard time not getting angry when I talk, no matter what I say. When he likes something, and shares it with me, he automatically stops liking that thing (he can't explain this). He doesn't want to touch me, but does it so that he doesn't have to deal with explaining why he won't. He has to force himself to ask me how my day was, or how I'm feeling (I've been sick). Basically, he can't stand me... still. Maybe even more so. My heart is just shattering, and I don't know how to handle this. I don't know if it's salvagable. He says he should never have married me, and that he isn't sure why we're still together, except that he doesn't want to deal with the backlash of splitting up. I don't know what to do. Obviously, I'm not happy. How could a person be happy in this situation? I'm trying to put my faith in God; but that doesn't make this hard situation disapear. Should I fight this? I hated my parents for divorcing. I always said that any marriage can be saved. I was NEVER going to divorce. But can I really face a possibly loveless marriage for the rest of my life? Being married to a man who cringes when we make contact, who grimaces in the morning when I say "good morning?". Knowing that he would be happier without me?
I'm going to keep trying, because I don't know what else to do. I can't imagine life without him; we've been married for 4 years, and I was still a child when we married. I don't know how to be an adult without him, or to picture my future without him. I can't imagine sharing a life with someone else, or being alone. I want his babies; I want to be 40-somethings together. I want to grow old together; but I want us to be happy.

Anyway, there's my relationship vent (sometimes I just need that). Diet wise? I was a terrible person this weekend.

Friday: Oatmeal, chocolate cupcake, grilled club and soup from Barnes and Noble, cheesecake, Wendy's snack wrap and fries, 2 long islands.
Saturday: oatmeal, bourbon chicken with veggies at the mall, large Georgia Mud Fudge Blizzard from DQ, large popcorn at movies, large pop. Taco bell (1 crunchwrap, 1 taco).
Sunday: Carnation Instant Breakfast, chips, queso, and large burrito from Moe's Grill, 1 dove candybar, half a package of cinnamon-roasted almonds (those Chrismassy ones from the mall), then a sampler platter for dinner (laughing cow cheese, triscuits, carrots, green beans, hummus, cherries, turkey pepperoni).

The damage done? -1 pound. That's right, I'm 216. LIGHTER than when the weekend started. This is seriously damaging to my worldview. EVERY TIME I eat junk, I lose weight. When I diet all week long, Nothing happens. I know it's probably all that hard work kicking in later, but it sure makes me wanna binge!

216 is my lowest, but I've been here before a couple weeks ago. I am gonna fight this week to find some new numbers.

I am Superwoman.

2008-12-12T04:08:00.001-08:00

I feel good about the day already.
This morning, I did my daily tinkle and then hopped onto my scale in the buff. This makes you get the most “accurate” reading (meaning the lowest, of COURSE. *smile*)
Anyway, yesterday I was 217. Today, the scale did it’s thinking thing…the zero danced to and fro on the digital screen for what always seems like an eternity, and then stopped. My jaw dropped. Weight loss? I think not.
222 lbs. I’m embarrassed to say that my eyes immediately welled with tears. I did SO good yesterday! I started running through my menu –
Breakfast – oatmeal, cup coffee w/1 packet splenda
Morning snack – 1 small piece chocolate toffee from one of our suppliers. It was amazing.. but small.
Lunch: 1 boiled egg, 10 kashi crackers, 1 serving Healthy Choice deli ham, yogurt, and a laughing cow cheese.
Snack: a small bowl of mandarin orange segments, shared by a coworker who couldn’t eat them all. 1 mug of chamomile tea.
Dinner: turkey burger with whole wheat English muffin as bun, 1 slice cheese, pickles. Mixed veggies (snap peas, edamame, black beans, carrots)
Evening snack: medium sized bowl cherries and grapes. 1 mug of blueberry tea with a little sugar and nonfat milk.

There. Total calories for the day? About 1700. HOW, then, did I gain 5 lbs?

I decided the scale lied. So I sat back on the potty, tinkled another .5 ounces, and hopped back on. I magically became 220 lbs. 2 lbs in about 2 minutes; the fastest weight loss yet! I brushed my teeth and flossed. Hopped back on. 218.5. Better….
I then ironed my work shirt, packed up my oatmeal, and put on some makeup. Hopped back on – 217.5. I felt victorious. I weighed myself 3 more times after that, all with the same number. So I can only assume that I gained .5 lbs.. which I can see. Most of my food was processed, not much fresh stuff. The frozen burger and pickles had a lot of sodium; and I skipped my usual green tea in favor of some other hot beverages.

Even though I’m up .5 lbs, I feel like I’ve already shed 4.5 pounds today… which makes me feel like superwoman! And like a woman who should get a nicer scale. What a mean trick.

Feeling Like Crap is Absolute Heaven

2008-12-11T04:29:00.000-08:00

And so it continues… yet another day at 217. It does amaze me, though, that I’m maintaining weight, when I’ve been such a lazy bum about my diet! Yesterday I had my oatmeal for breakfast… started off well… but then we had the office holiday party.

Those things are DANGEROUS. It was a luncheon, and I had meself a bit o’everything.
1 piece chicken breast
3 red potatoes (the smaller ones)
Mixed veggies (I was a good girl, I actually got more of this than anything else!)
Whole grain roll
Salad (with bacon bits and ranch dressing… basically the worst thing I could have done to that poor little salad)

It was alright… just alright. You know how bulk catered food can be. But THEN… we each had 3 hershey kiss truffles at our seats. I haven’t touched CHOCOLATE in quite some time. I’ve tried to fake myself out with sugar-free hot cocoa and chocolate mousse Yoplait yogurt, but they are pitiful attempts at matching the utter amazingness of chocolate. Within seconds, they were gone. Best Friend of mine offered me one of hers, and I told her I could not have it. She said I could save it for later… I said I could not save it for later.

Dessert was a beautiful tower of cheesecake. Rasberry, plain, or turtle. They were in these itty-bitty squares.. and most people took one of each! I took one turtle square, patted myself on the back, and returned to my seat with my glass of punch and one square. I savored it while the President gave out months worth of up front parking and free PTO time to the lucky names drawn from a hat. Good times were had by all; and so were holiday bonuses. I am happy to report that China will now be completely paid for by the end of December – THANK YOU WORKPLACE!

A bit later in the day I caved and got another cheesecake square out of the fridge. I went home, changed, and had Husband drop me off at the mall with visions of mall walking and a big sensational salad dancing in my head. Instead, I immediately bought some Christmas gifts.. heavy ones. I got a couple books, and found a GREAT DEAL at Victoria’s Secret… buy 7 scented products (any lotion, body spray, perfume, body butter, or shower gel) for $35!! And on top of that, once I got to the checkout counter, they told me it was buy 7, get 1 free!! So I got 8 for $35.00! AND I got a heavy load. I went to JC Penny and got a necklace for Grandma, and some socks for Grandpa. I hit Yankee Candle Company for Mom-in-Law and bought 4 candles and a holder. Pretty soon, I was feeling loaded down, juggling a long wool coat, a purse, and 4 bags. I decided it was dinner time, and somehow ended up sitting in a booth with a plate of white rice, deep-fried-fat-filled orange chicken, and General Tsao Chicken. I completely bypassed Sensational Salad. I thoroughly enjoyed the first half of my completely veggie-less meal, but continued to eat. I ate almost the whole thing, and I’ll bet it was enough food for 3 sensible meals. I haven’t stuffed myself that way in well over a month (Thanksgiving included!) and I don’t want to do it again. I got up to do some more shopping and walking, but soon got some serious cramps in my side. I was having more visions; this time of this week’s episode of the Biggest Loser, where they had to strap on weights equivalent to the weight they’ve lost, and run/walk around a long track with them on. I was mentally adding up what the candles, body products, books, and socks weighed, and figured it was about right. I made my own little challenge!

Walking was out. It hurt. I decided the next best, somewhat active thing would be trying things on. At least its moving, twisting, bending. So I hit up the fancy dresses at Penny’s and tried on dress after dress, just for fun. I tried on a slinky little Britney Spears number, a classy champagne-drinker dress, a grandma blazer/skirt suit, and some in-betweeners. It was so much fun, and I was actually amazed at the some of the things I liked once they were ON. They were things I would never pick up if I’d actually been shopping to buy. Best part of it all? My dress size is 14. Yes, I’m in 18 pants (which in itself is exciting, because I was in lingo between 20-22 a few months ago).. but my torso is a lot smaller than my hips/thighs/booty. As long as the dress wasn’t fitted at the bottom, I was golden. There was a classy black spaghetti strap dress that made me feel AMAZING. It had a nude-colored panel down the front, ruching at the bodice, and draping fabric all around… It was just past knee length. With my calf-length black boots, and new bob haircut, I looked like quite the fashionista!

Today I’m not feeling so well.. probably the LB of deep fried chicken swimming in sauce from yesterday. My system is rejecting it… and getting it out pretty quickly. I have a pounding headache. I LOVE THIS! I can actually see what that crap does to my body. Its like poison. Once I tore down my tolerance by keeping away from it awhile, my body got used to being treated the way it is supposed to. So even though I feel BLEH, I’m ecstatic that I feel like crap!

Center of the Universe

2008-12-10T05:37:00.000-08:00

The world does not revolve around me.

I bet to most people, that is common sense; but seriously, I feel like I’ve had one of those life-changing epiphanies that only people in sappy movies experience. The world does NOT REVOLVE AROUND ME. I have always felt that I got the short end of the stick; nay, the SHORTEST end of the SHORTEST STICK EVER. No matter what story or experience someone had, mine was worse. No matter what good things happened to someone, better things have happened to me. I always feel the need to one-up other people, because I am more interesting, more well-rounded, and just darn FUNNER to listen to.

But that is absolutely not true; and it’s absolutely freeing to feel this way. I can feel for someone, empathize with them, without having to have a bigger and better story. Yeah, I’ve been through some pretty crappy times; but not as crappy as others. Yes, my marriage is struggling; but it hasn’t ended. Yes, my faith is rocky right now; but I’m still able to cling to God. Yes, I had a “hard-knock life” growing up… but I was never physically abused, never raped, I never went to bed hungry for lack of available food, or went to school with holes in my shoes. We didn’t have much money, I had some scary experiences, I am a “child of a broken home”; but I’m one of thousands. And I can be strong, and be an encouragement to others. I can use my experiences to grow and to encourage, not to tear down or out-do someone. I can use my life specifically for good; not for pity or attention.

I found a website yesterday that lists volunteer opportunities in your city. I’ve never volunteered much; a few times in high school, and helped out with church stuff, but not in my community. I’m not looking to start now, because I’m moving to China in less than three months; but looking forward, I want to get involved. One specific opportunity tugged at me; just reading the description made tears run down my cheeks (and my cubicle neighbors stared a bit…).

Helping someone write their life story. They are looking for volunteers to work with hospice patients to put together a full book; pictures, experiences, the works. It said that we would interview them and basically sit and listen to everything; war stories, love stories, heartbreak, happiness, history… and that is something that has always been dear to my heart. My grandparents have shared many stories with me of life many decades ago, and of their childhood. I am amazed by the wisdom that comes from age. I would love to be involved in this when I return.

What is Faith?

2008-12-09T04:30:00.000-08:00

Faith –

Why do we have faith? Why are Christians Christians? I’ve been mulling over this question ever since my husband declared that he is no longer a believer. He is a very smart man, and VERY logical. I’ve always known that if you try to prove God through logic, you’ll fail. But now, I’m struggling to find my footing in my own faith.

Don’t get me wrong, my faith is still strong; but it bothers me that I can’t defend it the way I should be able to. It is a very weak argument. I don’t have a clue how to effectively support my faith:

Why do you believe?
Because I believe.

What makes you so sure God exists?
Because I feel it. I see it in nature, in the way that God works through people.

But deep down, why are Christians Christians? Is it because it makes you feel good? Because we have this human need to have something MORE to live for, and “glorifying God” is a great purpose? You can’t KNOW that God is real, you only BELIEVE it. And it feels nice to feel that, so you keep doing it.
That’s not all…

What makes you so sure God exists?
Because I DO feel it… and I see it in nature, and in the way that God works through people.

But couldn’t that be a crazy coincidence? Aren’t there times when you can quite CLEARLY see that God is NOT protecting or caring for you or others? People who get raped, who starve to death, who get murdered for their faith? People like me who struggle with faith, and end up abandoning it? What kind of a “loving” God is fine with sending people to hell?
Well… God doesn’t always give us what WE think we need, but what he KNOWS we need. And bad things do happen, but faith means believing that God has a bigger plan, and that I have to have faith in the fact that he will protect his children and work his will through us.

But he doesn’t.
Well…

Which is he? Loving, or just?
Both.

But never at the same time. And anyway, would a Just OR loving God create the human race, give them the ability to fall, and then punish them for eternity for doing what he gave them the option of doing? Doesn’t that sound like kind of a sick game? Just so that when people DO manage to crawl over to him and beg, he can feel good about himself and be saviour?
That sounds terrible…

Then how would you explain it? Because it appears that God only loves those who love him.
Well, there is that whole “elect” thing…

Oh, right. That some of us are God’s “elect” and those are the people who will be with him in heaven. The rest are never going to have the option; we’re damned to hell without even a chance, because God hasn’t chosen us.
Well, that’s not exactly how it works, and I’m not even sure if I believe in that…

Then how does it work? And if you don’t believe in that, then what do you believe in?

WHAT DO I BELIEVE IN?

Winter Wonderland

2008-12-08T07:16:00.000-08:00

Another winter storm is headed my way; darn that lake effect snow!!

No, really, I love it. But my place of employment lets people call in and use PTO if we wake up in the morning and the area schools are closed... EXCEPT for those, "within a safe distance". I don't know what this means. They won't specify. But they DO know that my home is approximately 1 mile from the office, and a straight shot - pull out of complex, drive down the road, turn onto office's road. And I think I'd have a hard time explaining that that was absolutely not possible. So I'm betting I won't get my "sleep in and have hot chocolate" snow day tomorrow that I'm fantasizing about.

How sad is that... my fantasies are of snow days. But seriously; how is it fair that those should end when you get out of school?

On the diet front... I have been a slacker. Big time. I've turned my focus to my marriage, and dropped the ball on that "other" thing. This weekend I had QDoba grill, popcorn, ice cream, cake, chips and cheese, 2 alcoholic drinks (calories!!!), plus lots of cheese, crackers, and cheese and crackers.. and cheese and crackers.. and I'm still 218.5 lbs... didn't really gain, which is a miracle, but definitely didn't lose!

I am starting my week *mostly* well.

today's plan:
breakfast: oatmeal (I added canned pumpkin, spices, and half a banana)
lunch: broccoli and rice frozen meal (250 calories.. not too fabulous, but easy)
dinner: turkey burger on whole wheat english muffin, steamed veggies
snacks: boiled egg, yogurt, 1 serving kashi crackers (and a snafu this morning.. I had half a bagel with cream cheese at the office. And now I feel sour.)

I need some fresh produce in the house, but we're scraping for the last bit of money for China, and can't afford more groceries this week. I'm just going to have to be inbentibe, I guess!

QUEEN of Yahtzee

2008-12-04T05:08:00.000-08:00

Today, I’m a new woman.

I had an absolutely fantastic time with my mother-in-law last night. We cried, we laughed, and Yahtzee was played.

There is just something about that wonderful woman that makes me open up, share my biggest fears, and yet… feel better afterwards. I was afraid that once she got me going, I’d share things that would make her upset at Husband. I was afraid I’d end up trash talking him without even thinking about it; but it wasn’t like that at all. I felt more like I was spilling all of MY failures and insecurities; admitting where I went wrong, and my struggle to find the right way to “right” things again. She listened, shared, wept, and supported me. She loves her son very much; and I know she loves me a great deal as well.

We ended up getting Chinese. I didn’t do fantabulous on the diet like I’d hoped. We went to a buffet (hello, DANGER! Deep fried EVERYTHING!). I had 1 crab Rangoon, half an eggroll, and about 5 pieces of fried chicken pieces. Besides that, I picked good, veggie-filled dishes. For desert I had jello, a dollop of chocolate pudding, and some fruit. But then the M&M’s were busted out during game time. I ate about 3 handfuls of those… quickly!

I must say, I’m a Yahtzee WHIZ. I beat her 3 out of 5 rounds; and boy, was I slamming that fact home. Following that, I then walloped her in a game of SKIP-BO. I swear, I’m a grandma in a young woman’s body; I could play games all day long.

Along those lines, I noticed something a couple months ago; last year I was shopping for bedding. I ended up buying a lamp for our bedroom, and a new quilt/pillow sham/bedskirt set. It was light yellow, white, and blue. SO pretty and quaint! Then, I painted our bedroom a very light, powdery yellow. I LOVED that bedroom (we’ve since moved, so we don’t have the pretty paint job).

I went to my grandma’s cottage this summer, and brought our bags into the guest bedroom, and dropped them (along with my jaw). The guest bedroom was just as it’s been my entire life; light, powdery yellow paint, light yellow, white, and blue bedding set, cute little black metal lamp. That’s right, I recreated that room almost exactly without realizing it. My husband could not STOP laughing, because my whole family already teases me for being so much like my Grandma. They call me Little Margie. After that, my Husband didn’t like our bedroom so much. I have no idea how I could POSSIBLY have done that without realizing it! I guess it just brought back happy feelings when I saw the bedding *smile*

Today is a long one – 9 hour workday, then I’ve got tons of cleaning and laundry to do. One of the first things I’m going to work on with Husband is being a better wife in the “wifely” sense. When I started working full time +, I started slacking on the household chores. The dishes don’t get done right away, he has to ask for his laundry to get done (yes, he is CAPABLE of doing his own, but he always manages to end up with a pink shirt of a toddler-sized sweater if he does). He may get annoyed when I buy him gifts or make his favorite dinner, but he can’t get annoyed when I’m just doing what I should have been doing all along!

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

2008-12-03T07:01:00.000-08:00

No, I'm not getting a divorce; I am officially dumping my selfish self.

I wallow. Too much. There are too many wonderful, amazing things in this world for me to waste time and life energy on sulking. Yes, of course I'm still going to hurt; very much so. But wallowing has NEVER made me actually feel HAPPIER. Ever. So I'm making the decision to be positive; to see the good things in life. To embrace the parts of my husband that I love. To see the beauty in the world around me.

Tonight I have a hot date with my mother-in-law. She is honestly the sweetest woman in the entire world. I love her to death. She is just in pieces over her son's issues right now; I'm hoping that rather than wallowing together, we'll find strength in each other and be able to build each other up. I'm going to be honest with her, but respect Husband's privacy and reputation. I will tell her only what she needs to know. I will not share anything that would hurt him.

And I will eat Chinese food.

I'm a bit worried about that; today I'm back down to 217.5... still 1.5 lbs over the lowest number, but I'm getting there. Despite my own lack of self control. In the past 2 days I've eaten pumpkin pie, TONS of mashed potatoes and gravy, 3 sugar free puddings, lots of crackers and cheese, lots of stuffing. And by no work of my own, a miracle has caused me to still lose weight. I don't want to take that for granted!

Today's menu:

Breakfast: whole wheat english muffin with serving of sliced ham and laughing cow, made into a SAMMICH. And yogurt.
lunch: leftover saurkraut/bacon/potato pie. Wierd, I know. But Husband's favorite.
Dinner: Chinese. Hopefully, veggie-filled with light sauce.
Snacks: A little leftover oatmeal from yesterday, an apple. Maybe a couple munchies at Mom's.

Right before my "female" time I tend to drop weight. I think that's what's happening now; I don't want to waste it and only lose regained pounds, so we'll see if I can make the most of it!

Simple Beauty

2008-12-01T08:24:00.001-08:00

Damage done over the holiday weekend: 219 lbs. Now I have to re-lose those 3 lbs. Not undoable, but annoying!

Snow… it has a way of making my mood instantly lift. We had our first real snow last night. There are several inches on the ground, and the trees are bending under the weight of the fluffy stuff! I absolutely adore snow. I hate the cold, but would much rather deal with that than live somewhere where we didn’t get any. Living in Michigan means that we get all of the lake effect snow as well. Looking out the windows in the break room makes me smile; something I haven’t been doing very much of lately. The snow is brand new, so it isn’t brown and slushy on the roads yet; the trees aren’t dripping yet, and the snow isn’t melting yet. There aren’t foot prints all over, or mounds of nasty dirty snow around the sides of the parking lot. The tree by my “usual” break table had a bright red cardinal perched on it this morning; one splash of beautiful color in the middle of a white landscape. It may sound cheesy, but I think it was God’s way of giving me some comfort this morning. I’m going to make an effort to find more of those small moments to enjoy. They are out there; sometimes we just get so overwhelmed with the big things that we block out all the other stuff.

DD

2008-11-28T08:55:00.001-08:00

Didn’t weigh myself today… I figured it would just be depressing, and if I wait a few days, and then I break even, it’ll be better. If that’s what happens! *wink*

Yesterday I did better than Thanksgivings past; but still not great.

Had lunch with all the fixins at Grandma’s – turkey, potatoes, carrots, Brussels sprouts, stuffing, green bean casserole… but I abstained from the roll (fat lot of good that probably did me). I also had 1 light beer. I then went to Grandma # 2 for DINNER, where I had more turkey, potatoes, and dressing; along with a piece of chocolate pie. Planned on going home.. but then the brother in law called. All the cousins were going to a movie at 9:00 pm. That meant probably we’d be out around 11:00. Not fun when I had to get up at 5:00, but I figured it’d be alright.

The movie was 3 hours. And seriously, there were 4 endings. Complete plot resolution, then a whole new storyline would start. Do NOT go see Australia. I thought I’d be great; I was wrong.

When we got out, at midnight, everyone said they were going to IHOP. Husband looked at me with puppy dog eyes. Brother-in-law and sister-in-law to be did the same. I caved, and we went. Husband and I shared a breakfast sandwich (egg, ham, cheese) and some onion rings. I had half of everything.

I got home and in bed at 3:00am, decided to go into work an hour late, and got up at 6:00am. Yeah, like 3 hours is REALLY a lot better than 2. So I got here, pumped 3 cups of coffee, a WW English muffin, and yogurt into me. Now I’m STARVING!!!

Today will be long; but I’m looking forward to a FANTASTIC nap. My sister has talked us into going to a bar with her tonight, since all of my cousins are in town. So I’ll be up late yet again, probably being a designated driver, because I’m the only one that can imagine having a good time at the bar without drinking. Imagine that…

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-26T04:54:00.001-08:00

Just a short note – I’m up again, 218.5. Yesterday I was 219. Frustrating, because I’ve been eating well the past two days! The only time I cheated was yesterday with about 3 bites of cherry pie. And I don’t really even consider that CHEATING. Cheating was this weekend, with movie theater popcorn and M&Ms. But that made me LOSE weight. *sigh* This is a bit confusing.

Anyway, have a wonderful Thanksgiving; we have our normal hectic holiday. 2 grandparents homes tomorrow, visit a third set of grandparents Friday, and go to my mom’s for dinner on Sunday. Not exactly relaxing, but I enjoy time with our families, so it’ll be nice.

Weekend Loss

2008-11-24T07:13:00.000-08:00

I think I'm the only person on earth that does the large majority of their weight loss on the weekends... isn't that supposed to be the time you GAIN?

216.5 today. I had a long weekend, but I don't feel like going into it. The only thing I will say is that once again, my loss was not due to exercise or healthy eating, but LACK of eating. Today I have a better plan, though.

Breakfast: oatmeal
lunch: yogurt, blueberries, 1 serving Kashi crackers with laughing cow cheese
Dinner: potato/saurkraut pie (husband's favorite)
snacks: Apple, orange

I have 1.5 lbs to go to get to the "Thanksgiving" goal that I set for myself. Not unattainable, but definitely hard, considering I have a hard time losing during the week. I have housework to do tonight, but plan on walking at the mall most of the evening tomorrow. I need to get out of the house; but the snow is COMIN' DOWN! Maybe I'll go dance in the snow tonight...

Sensational Salad!!

2008-11-21T04:13:00.000-08:00

219.5 – down a half pound. And I even had a slice of pizza last night!

Made major progress with the Husband yesterday – we talked and laughed without bickering once, and he even gave me a hug. Sounds basic, but for us, a big step in the right direction.

Yesterday I didn’t want to be cooped up inside all day; things are feeling Christmasy, and I wanted to bask in it (plus, I needed some new gloves)! Once again, I went to the mall for the evening… I wandered, tried things on, and enjoyed Christmas music and twinkling lights. I got a “winter set” with a soft new scarf, gloves, and a hat on sale for $15! (65% off… go me!).

Diet went well, except for the pizza. I had the usual oatmeal for breakfast, a bowl of zucchini soup for lunch, cottage cheese and applesauce, walnuts… and then MAGIC happened. A new restaurant opened in the food court; Sensational Salads. This place just opened yesterday, and boy, were they aiming to please! I ordered a cup of soup and ½ salad for $6.99. The “1/2” salad was HUGE. I got a heaping pile of greens, and my pick of 4 different veggies. My picks? Carrots, green peppers, cucumbers… and more cucumbers J I had my pick of 15 DIFFERENT DRESSINGS! I was a good girl and asked for a very small bit of raspberry vinaigrette, and it was perfect. My soup was cheese and spinach. That was not so great; it had clumps of flour in it, and it tasted… old. So I didn’t really eat more than ¼ of it (which is probably good, because I bet there was a LOT of bad stuff in that small cup of soup!)

I then faced my biggest temptation so far in my diet. I wanted cheese fries from Great Steak SOO bad. I was still hungry, and I knew that I would need to eat something else before the end of the night. I decided to walk for awhile instead, and wandered for another hour, window shopping. Finally, at about 7:45, I couldn’t take it anymore. With my current book in hand (Twilight… yes, I’ve fallen victim to that hideously popular book.. but it’s really interesting so far!), I made my way back to the food court… and BACK to Sensational Salads. Dun dun dun….

I got a bigger-than-life fruit bowl with watermelon, honeydew, cantaloupe, kiwi, grapes, and a strawberry. It took a very long time to eat, because I was reading it and savoring the sweetness of the melon. Afterwards, I was STILL hungry, but didn’t feel the need to get anything else.

On the way home, I caved. My husband wanted a “Hot N’Ready” pizza from Little Caesars. I had ONE piece, and the smallest one at that. It was soo yummy, but I know that I’d have felt icky if I had eaten more. He didn’t have a problem – Mr. Fit-as-a-whistle Husband ate the rest of the pizza, along with ½ 2-liter of Mountain Dew. Then, with more caffeine in his system than I think I’VE had in years, we went to sleep; and slept like rocks.

"Giving"

2008-11-20T04:02:00.000-08:00

Two days in a row at 220 lbs. I’ve been eating better the past two days, and as a result, I gained back a lb L

Yesterday:

Breakfast: Oatmeal
Snack: handful of walnuts
Lunch: broccoli cheese soup
Snack: cottage cheese and applesauce
Dinner: black bean burger in a WW wrap with 1 egg, spinach, pickles (yes, I’m weird) peas and leftover brussels sprouts

I also had 2 cups of green tea, and a blueberry tea with a little honey before bed.

Our office has “free jeans days”. These come along when they are trying to raise money for SOMETHING. So no, they usually aren’t free – they should be called “bonus” jeans days instead. We wear jeans every Friday, but this Thursday was free because we’re trying to collect food for a nearby homeless shelter. If we bring a donation, we get to wear jeans. I came walzing in in my jeans, overflowing grocery bag in hand. Yesterday. I went all morning thinking it was Thursday, until someone mentioned that I’d get in trouble if I didn’t change! So I had to call Husband to bring office attire; and I took my food back until today. The worst part? I had to live through an unexpected Wednesday.

I have a problem with food drives that use competition as a way to spur on giving. Of course I DO think that it caused us to get more food than we would have otherwise, but not quality items. I guess I don’t have problems with the competition; I have problems with the competitors. This happened numerous times in high school, too – we end up with 10 flats of Aldi green beans and 30 cases of ramen noodles. Now, granted, this is better than NOTHING, but still, these people are looking for nutrition, variety, toiletries, etc. It should be about providing a good meal to someone, not the cheapest one we can find! Then people start saying “Ramens each count as one!”. Fine, until someone yells “Then each roll in that 24 roll toilet paper pack should count as one!” And then the more expensive items stop rolling in.

Luckily, I don’t give a hamsters bum – I have a mom that works in specialty foods, and pawns off high priced food all the time. I have been giving $7.99 soups, deluxe meat rubs, high quality pasta, etc. People are really impressed with my “generosity”… however I’ve been attempting to explain that it was all FREE, and I am a very simple person; I can’t imagine whipping up a batch of soup that costs $7.99 for two bowls. But I can imagine giving it to someone who needs it!

Optimism

2008-11-18T05:07:00.000-08:00

219 again. I ate a little better yesterday, but not much. I just didn’t want to cook.

Breakfast – cottage cheese and applesauce
Lunch – a few carrots and lima beans, yogurt
Dinner – some ribs my mom brought over, along with some Brussels sprouts
Snack – 2 oreos from the break room

I know I need to eat better, because I am punishing my body. My weight loss will stall and my metabolism will slow down; it’s just hard, because I don’t want to cook, and shop, and clean veggies, and make oatmeal – I want to lie in bed all day and cry. We’re still planning on going to China; I am really hoping that we are able to go in March. I feel like I’ve lost all hope in “us”, and I know that he has; but for me, marriage is not an option. And unhappy marriage is also not an option. I want to improve myself, and our relationship. I want us to love each other wholeheartedly again, and find joy in being together. I want there not to be rifts and gaps between us. But the trust? That’s a hard one. That’s a very hard one. And what do you do when your partner has simply become indifferent towards you? Not flinching when they deliver heart wrenching news, not blinking when you are sobbing, not touching you at all when all you need is to be held; it’s like his heart is gone. The sweet man I fell in love with has been replaced by this unfeeling THING that shows no emotions, no compassion. It’s hard to want to be in love with that man; and how do I go about getting that man to fall back into love with me? Is it hopeless? *sigh*

I have better diet plans today, hopefully. I still didn’t get up and make my oatmeal; but I have cottage cheese and applesauce for breakfast, along with a vitamin and a banana. I brought a lean cuisine and some carrots along for lunch. I plan on having an afternoon snack of leftover Brussels sprouts, along with some walnuts. Dinner will be something substantial; maybe some baked chicken and veggies, and a sweet potato. I owe it to my body and to myself to keep up on my quest for better health. I can’t give up simply because I’m sad.

One thing that made me crack a smile yesterday? I fit into a pair of my old size 18 jeans. That means I am VERY close to being able to shop at New York & Company again for pants – they often go up to an 18, but seem to run a little smaller than most. I am losing a lot of it in my belly, which is making all of my pants more comfortable. I can sit down without having my waistband cut into me. I really do think that the healthier and fitter I get, the happier I will be. And the happier and more confident I am, the more desirable I will become to Husband. Optimism, here I come.

My Heart Is Breaking.

2008-11-17T06:49:00.001-08:00

Over the weekend I lost weight; but not in a healthy way. I had a looong weekend, and couldn’t bring myself to post anything. The Husband gave me some news that has absolutely shattered my life. I’m not ready to share, because I can’t bring myself to say it. I think eventually it will help to post it here, but not yet. I don’t have any friends or family I can turn to for comfort in this situation; but I can turn to God.

Because I didn’t eat much this weekend, I’m 219 lbs today. For once, I’m not happy with my weight loss. Or with anything. It’s like I was swallowed up by this terrible black hole. He won’t even look at me; every time someone has said so much as a “hello” this morning to me, I tear up and have to escape. And I don’t really see an end in sight. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t focus. It took everything in me to drag myself out of bed this morning and get showered and dressed, then get in the car and ride in silence with him until we got to the office, where he dropped me off. I’m trying to meditate on two things. The first:

Psalm 23
A psalm of David.
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, [a] I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

The second:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,When sorrows like sea billows roll;Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Refrain
It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,Let this blest assurance control,That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
Refrain
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!My sin, not in part but the whole,Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
Refrain
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:If Jordan above me shall roll,No pang shall be mine, for in death as in lifeThou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
Refrain
But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,The sky, not the grave, is our goal;Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!
Refrain
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,Even so, it is well with my soul.

Wedding Toast

2008-11-14T04:32:00.001-08:00

221.5! Finally, a new number! I did awesome diet wise yesterday, so I was really encouraged to actually see it reflected on my scale today. I had a hard evening, lots of worrying and crying over my grandpa. Worry is my biggest weakness. If there was one thing I could change about myself, it would be that. I worry over everything. “Will we be able to pay rent? Will I get Crohns, like my mother? Will my grandparents pass away while I’m on the other side of the world”? And then there are the smaller worries, like “What if I don’t get this report done in time? Are we going to have time for laundry on Saturday? What if the mall closes, and Matthew isn’t out of work yet? Will security kick me out in the rain? Do I look fat to these people? Are people staring at me?” Seriously, it is all-consuming. I know that I need to simply put my faith in God, but it isn’t exactly “simple”. So that is a non-weight-loss goal I have. Put my faith in God and worry less. There are multiple Bible verses that, in a nutshell, say that same thing; but believing and putting into action are very different.

Anyway, here’s what yesterday looked like:

Breakfast: Oatmeal
Lunch – wrap (turkey, laughing cow, hummus, a little red bean mixture from my beans and rice, and spinach), apple
Snack – carrots and PB
Dinner – a lean cuisine dinner, plus Brussels sprouts
Evening snack – handful of walnuts, diet hot cocoa

Today I got to the office at 6:00 am so that I can leave early to get to the hospital. Today’s memory is in honor of my grandpa.

Memory – My wedding. At the reception, people were making toasts. My grandpa gave one of the most moving toasts; I don’t remember all of the wording, but it was basically this:
“To a man and woman who are two of the best souls in the world. Matthew, you are lucky to have Amy. She has the kindest heart you will ever meet. My Amanda,” (that’s my full name) “you have always hung back and waited for grandpa. When we’re all walking somewhere, you’ll walk with me. Even when you were a small child, you made my heart burst.” (That sentence is word for word! And then the heartbreaker - ) “My hope is that you will always love Matthew as much as you have loved me”.

Grandpa's in the Hospital!

2008-11-13T13:15:00.000-08:00

My grandpa (the one I talked about 2 posts ago) is in the hospital. I just got a call from my daddy... please pray! He went in for leg pain initially. He has diabetes and has had surgery on both legs to try to keep them. They aren't sure what's wrong, but when they put him in the MRI machine, he had a major panic attack. After a heart attack and 2 strokes, that is no good! Of course, my grandma and dad try to shield me from scary or sad things, so they didn't tell me that he's been there since tuesday! The nurses missed some of his heart medications yesterday and tuesday and his blood pressure spiked yesterday. Dad said the doctors weren't sure he was going to make it. Today he's doing better, but very emotional. The Husband is at work, so I can't go up there; but I plan on going up tomorrow as soon as I get out of work.

*sigh* I'm Grandpa's little girl. I don't know what I will do when we lose him. Or what my Grandmother will do. Please pray!

Winter Wonderland

2008-11-13T07:19:00.000-08:00

Salt and pickles are my enemies; that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

Yesterday I didn’t feel like sitting around the apartment all day. I decided to make it a “mall” evening. At 4:30, Husband dropped me off on his way to work. I was getting hungry, since I hadn’t had any dinner yet, but didn’t want a full meal yet. I went to Starbucks and got a banana/chocolate Vivanno. These are AMAZING! It has banana, a little chocolate sauce, ice, protein powder, and some other “I-don’t-know-what-elses”. They are suggested for the Weight Watchers diet according to my mother in law. I’m not on WW, but I figured it couldn’t be all bad then! I had that and started walking. I wandered for about 3 more hours, trying on clothes and smelling yummy lotions. At 7:30, I got a 6 inch Subway Club sandwich from Subway. It’s on the diet menu *wink* I added carrots, green peppers, spinach, and (eek!) pickles and salt. That is all I ate all night! I wandered for another hour, and then Husband picked me up. This morning, I weighed the same as yesterday morning. I was really hoping for a little loss; it was only about 1500 calorieds for the day, and I walked several laps around the whole mall. I’m of the belief that I’m “retaining water”. I guess we’ll have to see!

Yesterday’s menu:

Breakfast - oatmeal
Morning snack – ½ apple
Lunch – cup broccoli cheese soup
Afternoon snack – ½ apple, yogurt
Dinner – subway sub
Snack – Vivanno

Good memory of the day?

Trying on wedding dresses with my mom. I felt like an absolute princess, and everything seemed to fit perfectly; and when I found that perfect dress? PRICELESS. My dress was an absolute dream come true. It was a two-parter. The bottom part was a strapless dress with beading around the bodice and the bottom. Then, there was a lace over-garment that was long sleeved, and buttoned with pearls up the front. It was the same length as the dress. It was full of embroidery, beading, and all sorts of other perfect things. I had a January wedding, and we decorated with Christmas trees, white lights, and silver and blue bows. It was the perfect winter wedding, and my dress fit the feel of it to a T!

Shame

2008-11-12T07:04:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been ashamed of being seen with someone in public? This is something that has weighed heavy on my heart the past few months. I’ve joined the wonderful world of “Facebook”, and found many old friends and acquaintances recently that I haven’t spoken to in quite some time. A couple of the girls I’ve found are girls I was best friends with in middle school. I wasn’t very popular in elementary school, but I thought I could change that in 6th grade. What ended up happening, though, is that I ended up one of many in a group of “losers” (yes, harsh, but that’s what the rest of my class considered us). While I found a few very good friends, we were all the outcasts; I was a cutter; when I was upset, I would cut or scratch my arms. It didn’t make sense; it still doesn’t. But I did it, and because of it, I always wore long sleeves. It didn’t matter what time of year; I was the girl with long sleeves. I didn’t have cool clothes, and was really chubby. Some of my friends had pretty poor hygiene; others were just not stylish, and awkward around people. We made a weird little gang, but we worked. I think every one of us was embarrassed to be friends with the rest in the group; but all of us knew that loser friends were better than having no friends at all. As I progressed through school, I cut less, and started getting thinner. I started learning the “cool” ways to dress. I started to distance myself from most of my friends as I made friends with those who were “a tier” up the social ladder from them. My two very best friends aided me in this; one, Kristin, has been my best friend since we could walk. She is quiet, but studious and friendly, and everyone liked her. The other, Helen, started out low because she immigrated to the US from Romania when she was a child and was really shy and “different” in elementary school, As she became more Americanized, she started getting involved in art and sports, and became my “in” with the cool kids. By high school, I was one of those “middle-of-the-road” people. I wasn’t friends at all with those other friends, besides Kristin and Helen. I completely dropped them, and they all split into different groups; the studious group, the gothic group, the emo group, etc.

I was looking through old pictures yesterday and found pictures from my 7th grade birthday party. Me and all my awkward friends had a sleepover; we have picture after picture of us laughing, smiling, and having a good time. It tears me apart inside that I was such a cold person. What is it about human nature that makes us indifferent towards other people’s feelings sometimes? That makes us so concerned about what others think of us, that we’re willing to throw friendships away for appearances? I found some of those friends, and we’ve started to share how our lives have changed, who has babies, who graduated college, who’s working where, who’s married. But we haven’t talked about the elephant in the room; about how our friendships were based on a simple desire to have friends, and that any of us would have traded each other in given the chance, for a “shiny new friend”.

Yesterday’s menu:

Breakfast: oatmeal with ½ banana, natural PB, flax meal, wheat germ, and some honey
Lunch: Bear Creek Broccoli Cheese soup with some real broccoli mixed in that I steamed at home
Afternoon snack: yogurt and an apple
Dinner: rice and beans. Red kidney beans, onion, garlic, celery, spices… all simmered for about 3 hours until creamy, then ladled over a little white rice (should have been brown, but we were out).
Snack: Yes, I caved again. Cheese. But just a little wedge! Plus 2 slices deli ham and 1 WW tortilla instead of chips. Still shouldn’ta done it, but at the time, my cravings got the best of me. My mindset was “there’s only this little bit of cheese left; I’ll just finish it, so it’ll be out of the kitchen”.

222.5 lbs. This is so frustrating! I WILL be 221 by Friday. I don’t want to not have any weight loss this week! I know I need to exercise – that will jump start my numbers; but I’m just so lazy. And it’s cold, and it’s been rainy for a few days straight. I did some push-ups and situps yesterday, maybe today I’ll see if there’s space enough anywhere in my apartment to do one of my workout videos. I doubt there’s room. I can improvise, though!

Oh, time for a GOOD memory:

Being at the lake the summer after 11th grade. I went to visit my grandparents, who stay in a mobile home on a small lake every summer. I went up in short cut-off shorts and a spaghetti-strap tank top. I went in, and my grandma’s jaw just about dropped (and not because I was wearing so little clothes). My grandma came up to me, pinched my butt, and patted my hips. She told me that I looked just like she always wanted to look when she was a teenager. She didn’t specifically state that I looked thin, or that I looked pretty, just that I was “exactly how she would have liked to look”. How awesome of a complement is that? Someone had DREAMED of looking like me! And most of all, it was My Grandma T! She is the most amazing woman I have ever met. She’s kind, witty, and hard-working. She is a wonderful wife. She cooks like a pro, and her home is always spotless. She raised 4 children while working at a bank, and still managed to make time to sew, quilt, knit, cook, clean, and host gathering after gathering. My grandfather’s health has been ailing for years, and she LIVES for that man. She brings him to monthly check-ups, and to his UAW union meetings. She cooks exactly what he needs for his diabetic diet, and takes care of every need or want he ever has; and he adores her. My mom says I remind her a lot of my grandma T (who is my paternal grandmother). To me, that is the best compliment I could ever get; even better than the one my grandma gave!

Trek 2000

2008-11-11T05:35:00.001-08:00

223 lbs. I am so annoyed with myself for my weekend splurges; if I hadn’t, maybe I’d be 221 now! But anyway, ½ lb down from yesterday.
Yesterday was a good diet day.

Breakfast: Oatmeal with ½ banana and some natural PB
Morning snack: apple
Lunch: Lean Cuisine (Butternut squash ravioli with veggies)
Afternoon snack: carrots, green beans, and hummus
Dinner: omelette with 1 leftover turkey sausage, chopped, spinach, and a laughing cow. ½ grapefruit, some lima beans
I meant to eat an evening snack, but got busy and forgot. I was a little low in my calories yesterday, which isn’t a good thing!

I’ve found myself thinking nonstop about China lately. My husband and I are still planning on going; I think getting away from the stress of work/school here in the states will do our relationship some good. He’s a free soul; he loves traveling, and is his happiest when he has a trip to look forward to or look back on. I think it will help me too; I’m such a worrier, and a planner. The culture in China is completely different from here, and I’ll be put in situations where I can’t plan, and where I have to learn that improvising is okay.

Our money is due by December 20th. We’re still not sure whether we’ll have it on time or not; only time will tell! We have family members that have pledged money, in lieu of “Christmas gifts”, but it’s hard to plan when you don’t know how much to expect. I’ll just have to keep praying, and if we don’t get it in time, then we’ll bump plans to September, and we’ll just have to be patient!

Memory of the day: Trek 2000. In high school, our youth group went on a hiking trip in the little Smokies. I was an entering freshman. There was quite a mix in our group, with equal girls and guys. We packed up and drove to Ohio for a week, where we were outfitted with packs, tents, food, stoves, etc. The trip was 40 miles. We busted our butts and pushed ourselves farther than I ever thought we could. Every night, we would find camp and pitch our tents, then sit around a fire and cook dinner. We were absolutely exhausted each day. We would either sit around and sing praise songs, or just collapse into our sleeping bags at the end of the night. I felt STRETCHED. I felt like I was seeing what my body could really do. Sure, they weren’t the Porcupine Mountains, or the Rockies, but we had some decent sized climbs, and some pretty tough terrain for beginners. It wasn’t about looking good. After day 1, we didn’t get a shower. After day 3, my hair was permanently in a long braid with a handkerchief wrapped around it. I wore the same 2 shirts, 1 pair of shorts, and 1 pair of pants all week. No makeup – no jewelry. I felt no need to “impress the boys”. I was honestly completely focused on seeing what the potential God had given me physically, and seeing what God could teach me through the trip.

We stopped at a ridge overlooking some of the mountains, and took a lunch break. I remember perching my pack right at the edge, taking out my apple and energy bar, and just singing quietly while looking at the mountains. There is something about nature that connects me to God in a way that nothing else can. There were no phone lines, no buildings. No trash on the path, no construction sounds echoing. Only birds, wind in the trees, and a soft voice praising God. I felt good about myself. I felt good about what God was DOING in me. I felt strong, capable, and willing to push myself. And I did.

Guys and Dolls

2008-11-10T05:21:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I just wish there were a magic pill we could all take instead of food. All our nutrition, everything we need to feel perfectly fulfilled; not too full, not too hungry. Of course it would HAVE to magically satiate our desire for chewing, flavor, and chocolate melting in our mouths. Eating stinks. We struggle with it, try to eat well, try to eat the right amount; but when it’s a weakness, we can’t run from it. We can’t just quit doing it, or we’ll die. Sometimes I wish God had made eating much less enjoyable. I want all food to just taste “fine.” Good enough that I’d be willing to eat enough of it to be well-nourished, but not anything to get excited about, or look forward to.

What am I leading up to? I’m back up 1.5 pounds from Friday. I didn’t do great this weekend; I had some McDonalds, had a sugar cookie and chocolate marshmallow pinwheel, had popcorn at the movies (although I didn’t add butter) and had LOTS of crackers and cheese. Crackers and cheese are my downfall. I’ve been slowly whittling down a block of 5 year old extra-sharp white cheddar cheese I got in Frankenmuth several weeks ago. Well, the whittling sped up this weekend. I’m fine when I cut my portion off, and count out my 7 triscuits or 11 big wheat thins – but when I sit in front of the TV with the whole box of crackers and the block of cheese, I’m in trouble! I didn’t do all bad this weekend, though; one night I had a blackbean burger for dinner with a nice salad and some baby lima beans. Another night I made us some yummy omelets with 1 egg +2 whites each, with spinach and a little feta. We also had English muffins (I only had half of one) and some turkey sausage links (I only had 2). But all in all, I can see why I gained, and I need to be more focused on losing.

Memory of the day: Guys and Dolls. This is the musical my school did for my senior year. I had been in the musicals all 3 previous years, but never got main part, because I was too shy to audition. Senior year, I jumped out on a limb; I was in good shape, I looked like a leading lady. Not to chubby, not too thin (sounds shallow, but chubby girls simply did not get leads in my school!). I auditioned and the new director looked bored to death. When I got home, I received a call from the restaurant I had just interviewed at; I got a waitressing job 4 nights a week. I needed a job really badly, because I was planning on attending a private Christian college the following fall, and really needed money. I eagerly accepted. The next day, I went to the drama director’s office to let him know I wouldn’t be in the musical that year, since rehearsals were 3 nights a week, and I’d be working. When I told him, his eyes widened, and he sputtered out words I will never forget –

“But you were going to be Sarah Brown!”

It took only about 2 seconds for me to burst into tears. I hadn’t started my job yet, and a million thoughts were flying through my head. Should I quit? I just got the LEAD in my school musical, something I had always dreamed of! After about 30 good seconds of sobbing and waving off his feeble attempts to calm me down, I muttered that I simply couldn’t do it, and I ran out of the room into the girl’s bathroom, where I bawled for almost an hour (and skipped my AP Psych class).

Why is this a GOOD memory? Well, I suppose it’s mixed. I have always regretting not quitting that job and taking the spot in the musical. I could have found another job; but the experience would have been a memory that would last forever. I made my choice, though, and I felt responsible. It felt good to know that I was GOOD enough. All those years, I saw the other girls as soo much more talented, and prettier than me. That year, at least I knew that my talent had been enough. I will never forget that moment when Mr. Director Man muttered those words. I’ve replayed it in my mind, in different situations. I’ve pictured myself caving and taking the role. I’ve pictured myself waiting, and seeing my name posted on the cast list. But they are just dreams.

I ended up going to see the musical when they were finished; my friends had bit parts in it. I watched Molly playing Sarah Brown, and teared up in a few spots when I pictured myself up there on the stage; but she did well, and I had money in my pockets for school. Waitressing brought me out of my shy shell, and taught me DIFFERENT life lessons.

ValueLand

2008-11-07T04:50:00.001-08:00

222 lbs. Yay!

I did awesome on the diet front yesterday.

Breakfast: pumpkin oatmeal. It was fabulous! I put some canned pumpkin, soy milk, flax seed, and pumkin pie spice in there, along with a packet of splenda. And it kept me very full!

Lunch: broccoli, carrots, yogurt

Dinner: black bean burger on WW English muffin with spinach, cheese, and pickles. A bowl o’veggies with broccoli, corn, and baby lima beans.

Snacks throughout the day: 1 boiled egg, low fat string cheese, laughing cow cheese and triscuits, 2 slices deli ham

I’m feeling good. I am starting to see change, because I think it’s all coming out of my tummy fat!

Feel good memory of the day:

Shopping at Valueland with my girls. Sophmore year, me and my 2 best friends went shopping at a thrift store. We brought along a camera, and decided to try on the ugliest outfits imaginable, and take our pictures in them. Why is this a good memory, might you ask? I have a good answer for that!

I fit into tons of stuff off the rack. It is SO hard for me to thrift shop now, because there aren’t many “secret finds” when you’re a size 20. When you’re a 10 or 12, though, it’s a lot easier. I was grabbing armfuls of hideous stuff and it all fit, even if it looked bad. We laughed and giggled all afternoon, and actually ended up buying several things there.

I was flipping through channels yesterday afternoon as I folded laundry, and what I saw on Ellen stopped me in my tracks. A hologram. That’s right, folks. Apparently one of the news programs following the election on 11/4 had a HOLOGRAM on the show that they interviewed. Is this the future? ZANY!!

Today is Barnes and Noble day. Every Friday, my husband drops me off at the bookstore before he goes to work, and I wander for the 5 hours he’s as UPS. I read all my silly tabloid magazines (so that I don’t buy them at the store!) and I flip through nutrition and diet books. I have done this for months, and only recently put my diet knowledge to good use! This is going to be a challenge, though. I sit in the café to read my stuff. Usually, I get a large iced chai, and maybe a brownie or big sugar cookie. Then I’ll go back up and get a pop and a pack of peanuts. And I can’t do that. My goal today is to bring something to much on from home, and buy hot tea; or some other low calorie drink I can sip. I don’t need that junk in me anymore. And I munched so absentmindedly that I didn’t enjoy it anyway!

The Cruise

2008-11-06T04:04:00.001-08:00

Imagine this: A hot bubble bath, a laptop sitting atop the toilet seat playing last week’s episode of “Bones”, a mug of hot tea, and a bowl of frozen grapes. That’s right, this was my evening yesterday. I needed a good soak in the tub, and had never thought of watching a show on the laptop before! It was fabulous, even if it was my little cramped apartment tub.

I did alright yesterday, but not great –

Breakfast: terrible oats. I was craving chocolate, and thought I’d add some cocoa and honey to my oats. Ended up tasting like retarded coco wheats.

Lunch: 2 bowls of Zuppa Toscana soup from Olive Garden (it was free refills… not a good idea), a small salad, 2 breadsticks (shame on me!)

Dinner: Feta/spinach chicken sausage tossed with whole wheat pasta, olive oil, steamed spinach, and feta cheese. Wasn’t crazy about all the feta.

Snacks – boiled egg, grapefruit

Yeah, back down to 223 lbs today. I just wanna see 222 SO BAD!!

Today I was in the office at 5:30 AM. I’m exhausted, and I’m sure my lack of sleep isn’t helping the weight loss. We’ll see how today goes; I have to leave at 1:30 for a follow up appointment on my TB test.

Today’s funny quote of the day:

Amy: Can you go bring your porcupine inside? It’s going to rain.
Husband: You mean my cactus?
Amy: Yeah.

I want to start sharing a good memory of my life before I was heavy on each post, so that when I have a hard day, I have to reflect on a reason that I’m doing this.

Memory of the day: The family cruise right before my 17th birthday. We went for my grandma and grandpa’s 50th anniversary. My mom, sister, and I tanned for a month beforehand, and went shopping for new bathing suits. I was in the best shape of my life, although I still usually felt fat compared to my sister. I was a size 10 (oooooh I want to be a size 10 again!). My body was always pretty… voluptuous. While my upper half was a size or two smaller, my hips and backside were more generous. Anyway, enough of the back story. The actual memory is of my sister and I swimming out to a rock about 20 feet out on the beach in the Bahamas. We climbed up on this huge rock, and modeled for my mom… in our bikinis! Mom snapped pictures while we did everything under the sun. I struck pose after pose, and felt like a real supermodel. I saw those pictures last week and was amazed at how great I looked; sure, part of it was my weight. But I think that more so it’s my confidence that is shining through. There is a huge smile on my face, and an “I don’t care what my tummy looks like, I’m gonna rock the body I’ve got” attitude. I was able to enjoy the sun, the breeze, and the salty air. Most of all, I was able to feel freedom from my prison I’ve always kept myself in. I think I went that whole day without thinking about how I looked. My hair was braided in corn rows, I ran around in flip flops and a coverup, and I had no makeup on. I had sunglasses and a shell necklace. I felt more beautiful than I ever had before.

*Amy tips her glass* Here’s to feeling that feeling again!!!

Whine, Groan, Whimper.

2008-11-05T04:59:00.000-08:00

Feeling like I just got hit by a truck. Scratch that, run over by a train. Yes, my “female time” has started. What does that mean? That means terrible pain, terrible cravings for chocolate, and terrible bloating. This morning I was 224 lbs – a pound up from yesterday. I KNOW it’s due to my period though, because I ate fantastically.

Yesterday:
Breakfast – oatmeal (1/2 banana, some applesauce, and cinnamon)
Lunch – whole wheat wrap with turkey, green beans, spinach, hummus, and laughing cow
Dinner – roasted zucchini, summer squash, Brussels sprouts. 2 boiled eggs, and ½ whole wheat English muffin with a little peanut butter
Snacks – light n’fit yogurt, frozen grapes, some wheat thins

Yesterday I was a busy bee. I worked 6 hours, then we went to the doctor. I had a physical, and got (EEEK) poked twice. Once for a TB shot, and once to have my blood drawn for an HIV test. Let’s hope I’m safe, my husband was bit by a monkey in Africa 5 years ago, and never got tested! (yeah, just found that out.. I knew the monkey bite part, but not the “never got tested” part).

After whining and whimpering, it was off to the polls. I did my civic duty, and voted for the candidate I thought best. I did make a mistake, though… I accidentally filled in the bubble for the OTHER guy!!! I don’t know how I did it, and I was so embarrassed when I had to go up and ask for a new ballot.

“Why do you need a new one?”
“I.. uh… I messed up”
“What do you mean?”
“I accidentally colored (insert name here)’s bubble.”

So not only did I make a mistake, now the whole precinct heard who I was GOING to vote for. Luckily, I didn’t get jumped on the way out. After stopping at Burger King for the husband (I only got a diet coke and ate 1 of his fries) I went home and took a nap, then did dishes, laundry, scrubbing, etc.

Today, I don’t have much of a plan, aside from writhing in pain and working extra hours to make up for my appointment, and my follow-up appointment on Tuesday (seriously, can’t they just tell me what to watch for with my TB test?! J ) I do have a lunch date, though, with two coworkers – we’re going to Olive Garden for soup and salad. Tonight, I think I’ll eat something really easy, and climb into a hot lavender scented bubble bath. That always does the trick.

One more funny conversation:

Amy: My husband is 24! In 3 months, I WILL BE! Wow. I'm getting old.

Millie: YOU are getting OLD?

Amy: Yes. I can feel the wrinkles coming on.

Millie: Girl, I have SHOES older than you.

The Life of a Wannabe Tennis Star

2008-11-04T07:00:00.000-08:00

223 LBS. Better number than yesterday morning, but I’ve gotta crack this number!!

I’ve thought about it, and setting a goal of 200 lbs by the end of the month is a bit ridiculous. I’ve changed my goal to 215 lbs. This is still 8 lbs, which will take work, but it’s achievable, and I think I’ll still scoot into some old pants if I lose that!!

Yesterday dinner plans changed… again. I’ve been going out too much! My mom brought my sister and I out to eat at Arnies (yes, we were the only people under 65 there!). I got half a turkey Panini and French onion soup. I ate all of the sandwich, and half the soup (minus the glob of cheese on top). It was fabulous!!

Today is election day. I see a lot of sitting in front of the television in my immediate future. Last election I was GLUED to the stupid thing! I have to work until 1:00, then a physical for our Chinese work visas, then doin’ the civic duty thing, then probably just going home and doing some cleaning and laundry.

I want to play tennis again. I never played sports in middle school. I tried out for basketball once, but couldn’t do a lay up, and got axed. Freshman year, I heard about the tennis team. The most INTERESTING thing I heard was that there were NO CUTS!! I immediately joined. I ran a mile every day, did suicides, and got in great shape! Sprinting, swinging, and stopping really fast will do that to you. I was down to about 143 lbs, and it was a very muscular 143. On my 5’7 body, that meant I was actually normal! I wore a size medium uniform; my skirt was oh-so-cute too. I felt so much pride when I would have an away game and we’d all wear our uniforms to school. I’d strut around, all the while thinking “I’m an athlete”.

I was no good that year. I had two left feet and terrible hand-eye coordination. I played alternate, meaning my matches didn’t count towards the team score. But I still loved it! Our team was the worst in the whole conference. We hadn’t won a single match against another school in 3 years. My sophomore year, we won one. My junior year, I actually started playing on the team. I was a member of our 3rd flight doubles team; I started getting good, and smashed the ball like a pro! We even won about half of our matches. It was amazing!

My fondest memories of school involve tennis. On tournament days, we’d all meet at school and pile on the bus in our uniforms, warm-up suits, and sweatshirts. We’d have coolers with our breakfast and lunch in them, and canteens of water. We’d drive to the host school, pile out, and warm up. Then we’d split into our flights and start the matches! One tournament I was at, we had 3 matches. Each time we won one, we progressed. The first match was only 1.5 hours long. It was a cool, comfortable morning. After 30 minutes of rest, we started match #2 – and it was about 75 degrees. We played for 3 hours, and were exhausted at the end, but at least we had won! We rested for another 30 minutes, and then competed for the gold. The match was almost 4 hours long. We were absolutely beat. The match dragged on, and we were in a tie breaker for almost an hour. We ended up losing, and getting the silver metal. But when I got home that day, I felt like She-Ra. I felt so strong, so CAPABLE.

My senior year I was placed in our 4th singles flight. Playing on my own was completely different; I ran a lot more, and learned so much about the game. That year our team took home the gold. We won every single match we played, something that had never happened in the history of our school. Being a part of that made me feel so special. Now, though, I haven’t touched my racket in 2 years. I’m afraid of jiggling in embarrassing places, and looking foolish. I’m going to do it anyway, though. I dug out the rackets last night, and I’m buying balls this week. Husband and I WILL get a match in before the snow comes. I just NEED it. I NEED IT.

The bigger effects of Weight Gain

2008-11-03T04:26:00.000-08:00

This morning I’m having oatmeal.. again. J I’m amazed by how much I love starting my day off this way! It’s hot, comfy, and keeps me full most of the morning. Plus, I think it’s really contributing to the weight loss so far. Well, WAS. I’m up 1.5 lbs from yesterday morning. But I can see why, with the way I ate yesterday! Also, the kale chips were a little too salty, so I may be retaining some water. We’ll see!

Menu:
Breakfast - Oatmeal with ½ banana, ½ tbsp natural PB, a drizzle of honey, and flax seed
Lunch – salad with baby greens, spinach, zucchini, carrots, apples, garbanzo beans, and a slice of turkey
Dinner – spinach/feta chicken sausage with whole wheat pasta. I think I’ll toss it with a little EVOO, spinach, and feta. We’ll see how it goes!

On the husband front: I think we’re going to make progress. I haven’t been the wife that I should have been. I was thinking about the way my weight effects people other than me, and it just breaks my heart! My family is worried, and my marriage has suffered.

While he still finds be beautiful, my weight has changed me. I am afraid to go out with his friends, or meet new friends of his. I’ve become a hermit, and I used to be so outgoing! I get possessive, because I hate that he has more fun with other people than with me. But that’s largely my fault. I’m not waiting until I lose weight to change this, though. I’m going to start becoming the Amy he fell in love with; funny, bubbly, easygoing. He’s not embarrassed for his friends to see me at my weight, so why should I be?

Um.. aren't you supposed to GAIN weight on weekends? Because I LOST.

2008-11-02T16:06:00.001-08:00

123 lbs even. AWESOME!!! Down 7 lbs from when I started this blog.

Anyway, yesterday I ended up having my oatmeal for lunch, then took a bath and a nap. Then off to date night with the husband. We went to see a movie (at which I had popcorn, but added nothing!!!). I also had a diet pepsi. We enjoyed a comedy, then Husband wanted dinner. Knowing that I'm on a mission to make him happy, I chose his favorite; Long John Silvers. Diet nightmare. And my nightmare, too - the place smells like nastiness. But off we went, and I did myself proud! I ordered off their new "healthy" menu. I got grilled tilapia, rice, corn on the cob, and mixed veggies. It also came with a big roll, which Husband ate. I didn't eat the rice, and ate about half the fish. And boy, was I full!!

Later in the evening I munched on a little cheese and triscuits. This morning, I was half a pound lighter :)

I'm not anticipating loss today; I cheated. I had oatmeal for breakfast, but then went to my grandparents for dinner. I had swiss steak, mashed potatoes, and steamed broccoli/cauliflower/carrots. I didn't overeat though. I had a SMALL dish of apple cobbler and a small scoop of ice cream. For dinner, I just had a little turkey breast, cheese, and crackers, along with some Kale chips. I may have a grapefruit later.

Back to the grindstone tomorrow morning; and hopefully another week of success!

Rocky Friday

2008-11-01T04:59:00.001-07:00

*sigh* Didn’t do that great yesterday, or this morning. Well, compared to the “old” Amy, I did, but I didn’t do as well as I’d have liked!

Yesterday:

Breakfast: oats with banana and cinnamon
Snack: carrots and hummus
Lunch: leftover potato kale soup
Snack: 2 of Matthew’s French fries, a serving of wheat thins, a laughing cow, and a piece of deli ham
Dinner: McDonald’s quarter pounder with cheese (pickle and lettuce only, because I’m picky like that) and a small fruit n’ yogurt parfait.

Calorie-wise, it really wasn’t too terrible. It was about 1500 calories. But I wish I had gotten something more nutritional for dinner than a McDonald’s burger!

I’m in the office this morning. On a Saturday. Last night Husband and I had yet another fight. We were awake arguing until 3:00 am. I’m terrified; he thinks he might want to leave me. Please pray for us; I’m beginning another big project besides weight loss; making my husband fall back in love with me.

Anyway, my alarm went off at 6:00 – three hours of sleep. And I was here at the bum-crack of dawn. I have to make up my day off earlier this week… but the upside is that since I’m the only one in my section of the office, I’m wearing my PJ’s and jamming to Bon Jovi!!!

I woke up early this morning to make oatmeal; usually I do it the night before, but I wanted them really fresh. I made them with a banana and some honey. I always make two servings and package one up for Husband. Anyway, halfway to work I realized I left the oatmeal sitting on the counter, and I didn’t have time to go back. I couldn’t POSSIBLY go until noon without anything, my tummy was already rumbling!! Looming up ahead was Burger King; and I caved. I didn’t do badly, I just got 1 cheesy BK wrapper (tortilla, eggs, bacon, cheese, hash browns). But I don’t know yet what it did calorie-wise. I’ll see later. Maybe I’ll have my oatmeal for lunch…

weight today: 123.5 lbs!!!

Happy Halloween!!

2008-10-31T06:35:00.000-07:00

I'm not too thrilled with this holiday this year; mostly because I can't eat donuts and candy like I used to. And also because I live in an apartment, and can't even pass it out to other people. But I am going to have some cider here when they serve it (I'm at the office) and politely decline the obligatory donuts.

I'm feeling a bit better, but still under the weather. As expected, I'm up a pound to 124.5. But that's still down from 127.5 on wednesday!!

Yesterday breakfast and lunch went as planned. I had oats, and some homemade kale/potato soup. It was really really yummy, and I have enough leftovers for several lunches now! Hopefully the hubby will ingest some though, because eating potatoes at every meal probably isn't the best idea.

I was going stir-crazy by the time he had to go to UPS at about 5:00. I decided to get out and get a little exercise, so he dropped me off at the mall. I wandered for about an hour, then sat down and ate a Subway Club sandwich on flatbread and an apple. Supposedly the sandwich is only 320 calories, but I do not believe them. I'm thinking it was more like 500. But still well within my calories for the day!!

I wandered another couple hours, trying on cute outfits and buying a book for Husband. I tried on a cute pair of jeans and they FIT! And my bottom looked good, and it didn't cut into my belly flub! It took everything in me not to buy them; hopefully, if I did, they wouldn't fit in a few weeks anyway, so I'll wait and find something even better!!!

I think I'm going to stop putting in a meal plan... I've been changing it too much. I'm still going to track calories, and write here what I ate the day before, but I hate repeating myself. Serously. I hate repeating myself.

So the office today has a fairy, a bumblebee, a pregnant pumpkin, a nurse, a squaw, and Inspector Gadget. I dressed as an 80's hair band groupie last year, but I completely forgot a costume this morning! Too bad; now I don't have to feel stupid all day like the receptionist in her bee costume :) She looks adorable, but I get a bit too paranoid!

I'm sick :(

2008-10-30T08:13:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting at home in bed today. I had a LOOOONNNGGGG day yesterday! After work, I ended up going to my cousin's son's 5th birthday party. A lot of screaming children all night; and the first test of my diet! I stuck to my diet plan for breakfast and lunch. Dinner definitely changed. Here is what I ended up eating after lunch:

rice noodle soup with a little chopped chicken added in (only 200 calories). Then I went to the party and had a handful of torilla chips and some salsa, a coke, half a piece of cake, and a small scoop of icecream. I avoided the nachos, pizza, and candy corn!! (okay, I did take 1 original candy corn and 1 caramel candy corn... but 2 kernels isn't bad!!!).

I got home and added everything up; 1500 calories per my-calorie-counter.com. I was still hungry, even though it was almost 300 calories more than the other days this week! I had some carrots and hummus.

When my husband got back, we had a big argument. We laid in bed fighting for two hours, and I didn't get to sleep until almost midnight. I hate that; we have only been married 3.5 years. We don't see divorce as an option, but we are both so unhappy. I know that I need to go to God and put his trust in him; but it's hard when my faith is on rocky soil.

At 4:00 am, I woke up with terrible terrible pains in my stomach! A muscle in my neck hurt really bad, and I was doubled over and groaning. I went into the bathroom and threw up. Husband got me some water and a bowl and I crawled back in bed, but I didn't sleep much. At 8:00, I called the office and told them I wouldn't be in. I HATE doing that; I've only called in twice in the 3 years I've worked there. But sometimes you just gotta do it!

I fell back asleep and got up at 11:00. I feel 90% better and I'm eating my oats.

Weight today? 123.5. That's incredible!! But considering I threw up last night, understandable; and unfortunately probably not too accurate. I guess we'll see!

today:

Breakfast: banana and PB oatmeal
lunch: potato soup
dinner: grilled ham sandwich with laughing cow and whole wheat bread, bowl of mushroom/kale soup

snacks: carrots and hummus, apple

Time for some pics!

2008-10-29T10:56:00.000-07:00

The one in front is me... probably the most unflattering picture ever of me. Do NOT let a fat girl climb on a bug and ride it like a horse. It just looks humorous.

I decided it's time for you (or for now Debby, my first loyal bloggie friend!) to see more of me!! Seeing as I've gained about 80 lbs in 3.5 years, it's understandable that I'm embarrassed of pictures of me. Most of these I've hidden in a secret crevice in my wall (okay, not really). But I like a couple of them.. the two at the bottom especially. They don't show my body, and my double chin is covered in the last one!

The picture above this is on my way "up" with my weight. This was the Christmas before last. I'm the one in the tan corduroys, completely blocking my husband! I'm probably about 200 here.

This one is of myself, my mother in law, and my purple husband. We were taking a walk. See how I flipped my arms way out? I thought they'd look skinnier if they weren't squished against me. I was wrong...

I was so embarrassed of this picture! I am covering my stomach, and blocking my body with my leg. I have a small head, and all my weight looks really wierd on me.

This is Matthew, me, and my beautiful sister Becca. I'm pretty happy with this picture; the low lightig is flattering on me, although my eyes are squinty!

That's my gorgeous husband next to me - icy blue eyes! This was taken at the apple orchard.

There's a look into my life; I used to have long hair, but as I got heavier, it was very unflattering. To my hubbie's chagrin, I chopped it. I think it slims my face, and he even says it's cute now!!

Skinny Minnie, here I come!

2008-10-29T04:31:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was too chilly here for me to be content with a salad for dinner – especially after having a cold lunch!!

When I got home, Husband had a cup o’hot chocolate waiting for me (aren’t they wonderful?). I climbed into bed with him and sipped the chocolate while we talked about our days. Once he left for work, I got to work on dinner. I heated up the acorn squash and ate that with a little salt and pepper (what? You don’t NEED butter on squash?! That’s a new development!). It was really good! Normally I eat half margarine/half squash. I knew if I started with the margarine I’d just add too much, so I didn’t even start.

For my warm dinner, I had breakfast! I made an omelette with 1 egg +2 additional egg whites. I put in about ¼ cup chopped chicken, half a cup spinach, and a laughing cow. It was a little bit on the bland side, but it satisfied my craving for something warm!

At about 7:30, I got the munchies. I decided that instead of having the chocolate soy milk (like planned), I’d switch it. I’d had hot chocolate already, anyway! So I grabbed a little hummus and some raw green beans and munched while doing some housework. At 8:00, I settled into my spot to watch the Biggest Loser. What a great show! If I had someone to crack the whip that way with me, I’d be a skinny minnie!

End result of yesterday’s meals: 1310 calories. ON TARGET!!

So, here’s today’s menu –
Breakfast: Oats with ½ banana and some cinnamon mixed in
Morning snack: apple
Lunch: Whole wheat wrap with 1 laughing cow, 1 tablespoon hummus, ½ cup chopped chicken, ½ cup spinach, plus some carrots
Afternoon snack: cottage cheese and apples. Last night I chopped up an apple and simmered it with some cinnamon and a packet of splenda. Less calories than the applesauce, and more “natural”, so we’ll see how that goes!
Dinner: Spaghetti squash with corn, black beans, and a little salsa
Evening snack – choc soy milk!

FYI – another pound down today – I’m at 226.5. My goal by the end of November is to be down to 210. My family is coming for Thanksgiving, and I would LOVE to fit into some of my older, cuter clothes I have tucked away! Right now I’m a size 20 in pants. I’d LOVE to be a 16, so that I can shop at New York and Company again!!

Fun tidbit of the day –

2008-10-28T10:16:00.000-07:00

My mom and dad are dating.

I’ve known this now for about 4 months (they hid it for a few before that). When I was 9, they divorced after 14 years of marriage. They stayed divorced… and now that it’s been 14 years, and they’re back on again! I hope this isn’t a cycle…

My dad is a good man; a great man, actually. Through it all, he has been there for my family. When my mom’s drunk boyfriend came pounding on the door, she would call him and he’d come get all three of us, mom included. When she was out of work, he paid more than required. When we wanted to go to camp, or on missions trips, he found a way to manage. Until I was 19, he lived in a 1968 trailer so that he could afford to pay my mom’s mortgage payment; he didn’t want Becca and I to lose the house we grew up in. He is a man I will respect and admire forever.

My mom married young. He was her first REAL relationship. After so many years, she started wondering if there was more out there. To be fair, Dad did start to get complacent. There were issues on both ends, from what I understand. Long story short –

Mom wanted divorce. Dad gave in. Dad stayed in love with Mom. Mom finds deadbeat boyfriend for a decade. Mom finally dumps deadbeat. Mom has health problems; Dad begins showering her with cards, stuffed animals, and visits. Things seem to click. And now Dad drives to Grand Rapids from Chicago every other weekend to see her *ahem* I mean us.

Weird? Yes. But we’ll see where it goes. I don’t want his heart to get broken again. I don’t want things to end terribly. But I do love seeing them both happy. My mom hasn’t been loved or wooed in decades. It’s nice to see her blush, or to see her out doing things.

Life is funny sometimes.

Day Two... and feelin' good!

2008-10-28T03:57:00.000-07:00

I think, for my own benefit, I am going to post my expected menu on here each morning. That way, the next day, I will have to ‘fess up to what I didn’t stick to! One sad note - after eating pizza, fried chicken, and sherbet over the weekend, I lost a pound. By eating healthy yesterday, I GAINED IT BACK! I need to just assume it is water weight, because I did well though...

Yesterday was perfect, except I skipped out on the last snack and hot chocolate (hummus and carrots). I didn’t end up having dinner until 7:30, and I was full all evening. That wrap and squash was awesome!

Total calories (taken from my-calorie-counter.com): 1233. Perfect! I would like to be in the 1200-1300 range while trying to lose.

Today’s menu:

Breakfast – banana peanut butter oats, cup of coffee with 1 packet splenda, no creamer
Morning snack – honeycrisp apple
Lunch – 1 light n’fit yogurt, 7 reduced fat triscuits (1 serving), 1 laughing cow, 2 pieces deli ham, 1 small banana
Afternoon snack – cottage cheese n’applesauce!
Dinner – the other half of the squash and a chicken/spinach salad with all the fixins (but no fatty dressing – I’m having my strawberry vinaigrette again!)
Evening snack – cup of chocolate soy milk

I don’t really think I need a SNACK snack in the evening after dinner… two is enough for the day. But I do need something, and I adore chocolate soymilk. I’ll give some of my calories so that I can sip on that chocolatey-goodness while watching THE BIGGEST LOSER!!

My biggest problem is getting active. I know that when I exercise, the weight starts to drop off much quicker. But it’s so hard to actually get out there! We are living in a TINY studio apartment until we leave for China (we have whittled down our belongings so that they will fit in storage). It works to LIVE in, because we don’t really have enough furniture for a living room anyway… but seriously, it’s 360 square feet (including storage closet, kitchen, bathroom, living space). There isn’t even room for me to do my pilates DVDs! I have gone out for a walk a couple times, but it’s such a bad area to walk… not dangerous, but incredibly blah. We are situated at the back of the complex, and its all on ONE winding road that’s about half a mile from the main road. There is nowhere to go but that one way. When you get to the main road, it’s a very busy one, with no neighborhoods around. I get to walk past Wendy’s, Dunkin’ Donuts, and Baskin Robbins. Talk about torture! There’s really no other option, though; Matthew takes the car to work in the evening, and there isn’t a gym in our complex. So out walking we shall go!! The running thing is too much right away, I decided. I need to work my way up. But I need to get my lazy butt OUT there!!!

Closet Dungeons and Dragons player. Pitiful.

2008-10-27T06:22:00.001-07:00

Update – 2lbs down!!! Doesn’t seem like much, but considering my weekend, that’s awesome! On Friday we rented a movie and went over to my mom’s house. Me, husband, mom, and lil’ sis watched “Good Luck Chuck”. Raunchy, but funny. Dane Cook is absolutely hilarious in almost anything he does. The catch – we ordered a pizza from Pizza Hut. I was a good girl – I drank a bottle of unsweetened tea, and had 1 piece of pizza and 2 breadsticks. Not healthy, but not terrible either. Normally I would have 2 or 3 pieces!

I made a strata Friday night and popped it in the oven the next morning. It had eggs, skim milk, lean ham, spinach, summer squash, and hash browns. I had a square of that for breakfast. At 8:30 am on Saturday, we packed up and drove to Frankenmuth with the inlaws- that’s about a three hour drive. Frankenmuth is the cutest little town in Michigan! It has a year-round Christmas store that is HUGEmongous. I love it to death; Christmas is my happy time. Also, they have a restaurant that serves “family style” chicken dinners. These means that they bring out bowls of each dish and you all share, and pass the dishes around the table. You get a free dinner during your birth month. My hubby and his mom both have birthdays in September, so each couple gets a free meal (which is needed, because it’s $20 a plate!!). I ate, but I ate pretty well. I had one chicken breast, a slice of bread with apple butter on it, and about 2 spoonfuls each of potatoes, gravy, butter noodles, and stuffing. I also had two helpings of squash, no butter. For dessert I had 1 scoop of orange sherbet.

We walked around town all afternoon. We went to the bakery, where I got a loaf of bread. We went into a cute little shop where I got some salt and pepper shakers for mom’s x-mas present (she collects them). We went to a popcorn shop, where I didn’t buy anything, but everyone else did. I knew I couldn’t buy plain popcorn, and I do NOT need caramel.. so best to avoid completely!!

We got home around 7:30. I was starving!! I didn’t really feel like cooking after such a long day, and 6 hours of sitting in a car. I had some more breakfast casserole.

Sunday had the strata again. We lounged around home for the morning. At noon, I made us some fabulous salads!! I normally hate salad, but this was amazing. I mixed half romaine, half spinach. I cut up an apple, a summer squash, carrots, and some lean turkey. I tossed it all with a little strawberry balsamic vinegar, then put a little feta on top. We ate it with half an apple and some carrots to munch on. It kept me full all afternoon, which really surprised me!

Then *Amy blushes in shame* I did the unthinkable; I played Dungeons and Dragons. Or “D & D” if you’re a nerd like my brother in law!!! J

Matthew has wanted to play with his brother for quite awhile. I know there are many Christians who have a bad opinion of the game; and in some instances, it isn’t a good game! But everyone playing (with the exception of one guy that brother-in-law is trying to reach out to) is a Christian. It’s a good time of fellowship, provided you go in with the right attitude. I just don’t like playing because it makes me feel silly, and I have some stereotypes about D&D players. Anyway, we were over there for 4 hours doing “character creation”. I had a cup of black coffee, and a small hunk of whole what baguette. When I got home, I wasn’t too hungry – amazing! I had some reduced fat triscuits, lean turkey, and sharp cheddar. I also had some raw green beans that I dipped in a tablespoon of hummus. At about 9:00, my stomach was rumbling. I had some carrots and a little bit of mushroom and kale soup. The soup was soooo easy and light!!

Mushroom and Kale Soup
4 cups vegetable broth
2 cups chicken broth
1 lb white mushrooms, sliced
Half a bunch of kale, stems removed and leaves chopped
2 tsp chinese five spice

I just brought the broth to a boil, then threw in the mushrooms and spice and simmered until mushrooms were softened. I then threw the kale in and simmered until just wilted.

This is almost NO calories, and was the perfect thing to tide me over.

Today’s menu (Which I WILL stick to!)

Breakfast: 1 serving oats with half a banana and a tablespoon of PB mixed in (it was DELICIOUS!)
Morning snack: ½ cup lowfat cottage cheese with ½ unsweetened apple sauce mixed in (my FAVORITE.)
Lunch: Mushroom and Kale soup
Afternoon snack: green beans and hummus with 10 wheat thins
Dinner: chicken wrap (Chicken breast, spinach, red peppers, feta cheese). May also eat some acorn squash with a LITTLE butter.
Evening snack: carrots and hummus, 1 mug of hot chocolate

I’m trying to eat more mini-meals and fewer big meals. This keeps me fuller. And a fuller Amy is a happier Amy!!!

2008-10-23T08:19:00.000-07:00

I have had a good last few days. Yesterday was Husband’s birthday. We celebrated early on Monday by going to Mongolian Barbecue for dinner (you get a free meal on your birthday!). I made myself a stirfry with chicken, broccoli, edamame, carrots, peas, onions, and bean sprouts. I put 2 scoops of peanut sauce in it and an egg. They grilled it up, and I ordered some brown rice to eat along with it. I ate about half of my dinner, and packed the rest up for lunch the next day. We then rented the movie “Mongol” (keeping with the Mongolia theme) and went home to watch it. I do admit, I had ice cream. But all in all, I was proud of myself that day. Tuesday we both had the day off work. We woke up, ate some breakfast (I had yogurt, a hard boiled egg, and a plum) and hit the road. We went to the nature center, where we looked at the wild animals and walked the trails. We hiked about 2.5 miles. The trees were gorgeous, and we had good conversation. I wish all exercise was that easy! I didn’t do so well for lunch, though. We went to applebees and split some boneless hot wings, and I ordered the spinach dip and chips. I ate half. Not the most nutritious lunch in the world! We went home, watched a movie, did some housework. At 7:30 we went to Barnes and Noble to meet the inlaws. I ordered an iced chai tea, and sipped it over the course of an hour and a half.

Yesterday I did awesome. I had an apple, egg, and yogurt for breakfast. I had the leftovers from my stirfry for lunch. For dinner, we had a tossed salad (romaine, half an egg, a little cheese, no dressing). I then made an AWESOME meal, thanks to Rachel Ray! I pan fried pork in a tablespoon of olive oil. I cubed a butternut squash, peeled and cubed a honeycrisp apple, and mixed them up. I chopped an onion and cooked that in the pork oil until softened, then added the squash and apple, a bit of sage, and a cup of fresh apple cider. Once the squash was cooked, I salted and peppered to taste, and removed it from the pan. The cider was left, and I simmered that a couple minutes until it was thickened and poured it over the pork.

It was fabulous, and we have more squash left over for tonight!

Today I am going to go home at 4:00 and either take a walk, or attempt running. I’m not sure I should dive right into running; we’ll see. For dinner, I think I’m going to cook up a spaghetti squash we have had for awhile, and maybe throw in some onions, red peppers, and a little olive oil and parmesan. MMmmm… when I actually HAVE produce, I love to cook it.

As for my last post, it was rather heavy; there is something about blogging that makes me very open and honest. This is a good thing, although it’s scary to open myself up so much! I’ve been praying, and it feels good. We need to find a church. We left ours about a year ago due to doctrinal issues. We were attending a Baptist church, and felt that it was overwhelmingly judgemental of our fellow brothers and sisters, as well as the unbelievers around us. We wanted to find a church more loving, and with more effective outreach. Instead, we just fell apart. My husband took some classes in school that are testing his faith (philosophy, science..) and we haven’t found a new church. We know we don’t want to return to a Baptist Church, but we don’t know what we should try? We briefly attended a Methodist church, but the messages there were very “fluffy” without much substance, and it seemed like a very showy church. We aren’t turned off from Methodist as a whole, but that specific church is out. I know that there are issues I disagree with within Catholicism, but besides that, I’m not sure! I think we pick at the details too much. I’ve looked at some Lutheran sites. I want to avoid the “mega-churches” in the area… and I want to attend somewhere with a true biblical foundation. Knowing that we’re leaving the country for a year in March makes it hard to commit to a church.*sigh* Lord, I need your help…

Is God out there?

2008-10-20T12:00:00.000-07:00

I grew up in a broken family. My parents divorced when I was 9 years old, and by the time I was 10 my mom had moved on to a new man. I grew up around drunks, occasional potheads. My father is a good man. He always looked out for my sister and me; and my mom. My mom dated a deadbeat loser from the time I was 10 until about a year ago. This man has scarred me for life. This man has created wounds in my heart that will never heal.

Brad has three kids of his own; two boys and a daughter. He hasn’t been a father to them at any point in their lives. He had a good paying manufacturing job when he started dating my mom, but promptly quit when he was offered a raise smaller than he would have liked. He was on work release at the time, serving time for his second drunk driving offense. I’ve always wondered what made my mom be with him; the only thing I can think of is low self esteem. My parents had been together from the time my mom was 16. Dad was basically the only boyfriend my mom had ever had. When me and my sister started growing up, she started realizing that she hadn’t experienced a lot of things; what if she could do better? What she ended up with was a stupid man (truly stupid. I’m not just being negative) who doesn’t know how to care for anyone but himself. Want an example of his stupidity? He thinks the guys who block the goals in soccer are called “Goldies”. Anyway, if he had a good heart, this would be okay. But he doesn’t. I would sit and listen to them scream at each other all night long. On nights he’d come home drunk, mom would lock him out and he’d pound on the door for hours. Then he’d come to my bedroom window pleading for me to let him in.

God was my strength. My family was not “religious”. My parents both claim to believe in God, but have never been practicing, church going Christians. I, however, followed a different path. At the age of three, I found my very best friend. Her name was Kristin and she lived 3 doors down. We did everything together. Went to school, played barbies, made snow men. Her mom baby-sat my sister and I for a couple years. When I hit elementary school, I started attending her church’s AWANA program. My mom was always willing to let me attend church with her family. For years I attended Wednesday services. In junior high I also started attending Sunday services. Her family became my refuge. The more I learned about God, the less lonely and bitter I felt.

I never dated in high school. I never smoked, never did drugs. Heck, I didn’t even swear. Gee whiz, I never even said HECK!!! I was the epitome of a good Christian girl. I was a freak of nature, given the whole “nature vs. nurture” thing. I could have rebelled, could have become everything my family feared I would based on my upbringing. But I didn’t. I will never forget what Kristin’s family has done for me. Actually, more accurately, how God blessed me by putting her family in my life.

Even with my faith in God, I was a weak soul. I was a cutter, and I was depressed. I cried all the time. I put on a brave face and became the “funny” friend. I am funny. Hilarious, even. I was a flirt at church. While I never dated boys, or even kissed one, I was outgoing and bubbly and all the boys enjoyed being around me. The girls enjoyed being my friend. The leaders respected me because of how I was, given my “family life”. I sang in choir, and took leadership roles in my high school youth group. It was only a matter of time before I fell.

I was determined to go to a Christian college. I got my wish, and started attending my freshman year. The college life was hard. I commuted, and didn’t make friends like the other people in my class. But church was another story. I joined the college group and automatically fit in. One guy, 5 years older than me, asked me to go to a wedding with him. I was blown away. Did I actually get asked out on a date?! He was a hockey player; he was asian, but was built and was taller than me. He definitely wooed me. We went out our first date after the wedding and it was such a fun day. He picked me up and we went to the movie theater. We shared a bowl of Coldstone ice cream, then watched Finding Nemo. After that, we went to Babies R’ Us to pick out a Halloween costume for his baby niece. We went for sushi, where he spent $100 on dinner. He made me try it all; it was so exciting! We left dinner and stopped by a party his friend was throwing. He had a beer, which seemed huge to me! I was so uncomfortable; I didn’t eat Port Wine cheese! But it almost made him seem even more cool. After about half an hour, we called up some friends (my future husband and brother in law being 2 of them) and we all went bowling. At the end of the night, he dropped me off, gave me a hug, and peeled out of the driveway.

I was hooked. I went to every hockey game he had. He was the goalie, and a damn good one. We hung out all the time, but the relationship morphed into this weird… “thing”. We didn’t kiss. We stopped going out on dates. I didn’t go to all of his hockey games, since some of them were pretty far away. He’d call me at 1:00AM when he got back (his league’s games started at 9:00 or 10:00 pm) and I’d hop in my car and go over to his house. He lived in the basement of his parent’s house. I would come in really quiet, so I didn’t wake them, and go downstairs. We’d watch movies for hours. He started getting more physical. He’d give me backrubs, or take his shirt off and ask me to give him one. We’d lay on the floor and he’d start rubbing my stomach or reaching up my shirt; pretty innocent by much of the world’s standards, but not by mine! But I would freeze, and I never told him to stop. Things progressed further, but I won’t go into detail. We never had sex. We never had any other “version” of sex. But I went much farther than I had ever planned on going before marriage. All without ever having kissed! I felt used. He stopped talking to me at church; he stopped coming altogether most of the time. But he still called me. And I still went. And my grades were slipping, my friends were feeling pushed away. I would get home at 5:00 am, go to sleep, get up at 7:00 and go to class. Then I’d get out of class at 4:00, waitress until 10:00, and go home and wait for his call again. It took awhile for me to realize his drinking problem. I think I knew, but didn’t want to believe it. He smelled like alcohol. He’d forget conversations we had.

I finally grew a pair (yeah, I know, I can’t grow a pair. But I’ve always wanted to use that phrase) and told him one night that I was done. I told him that I felt guilty over what we’d been doing, and that I needed to put my relationship with God first. I told him we couldn’t do that anymore. He told me okay, and that was that. I was torn up about it. I didn’t have serious feelings for him; I barely knew the real person under his mask. But I was devastated by how I handled the situation. I had always thought I was strong, and could tell a man no. I caved, and never said a word to him. He probably thought I was easy, even! My walls started to crumble.

Enter Matthew. A guy I’d been friends with since freshman year. The guy that I had always turned to with my problems, my spiritual struggles. The only male other than my dad I had ever said “I love you” to, and that had said it back. We started dating only months after my “fling” with Buff Hockey Asian Man ended. We fell in love immediately, and married within a year.

Yes, long story. The end of the story? My faith is in shambles. My strong spiritual leader of a husband is doubting all aspects of his faith. We haven’t been to church in months. I don’t know what to do, or how to fix it. I pray, and then I give up. I search for a church, and we never go. I try to talk to him, and he tells me he doesn’t believe in God anymore. My life feels meaningless.

How do I try to change myself for the better, when I feel like my life has no meaning? When I feel like I’m destined for hell, and I don’t care enough to change it?

If you are a believer, please pray for me. Share with me some encouragement, verses, anything. I am desperate and alone.

a good day.

2008-10-20T10:37:00.001-07:00

Breakfast: 1 hard boiled egg, 1 whole wheat waffle with 1 tbsp pb and a drizzle of honey
Morning snack: 100 calorie strawberry yogurt and 15 almonds
Lunch: whole wheat wrap with turkey, romaine lettuce, red bell pepper, and a small handful of shredded cheddar. 1 boiled egg and 1 plum
Afternoon snack: will be 1 large honeycrisp apple (mmmm, these are AMAZING! I’m eyeing it already…)
Dinner: I’m planning on pan-frying pork chops with a little bit of oil, and some dash seasoning. Also having cubed butternut squash and a salad.
Evening snack: a mug of hot fresh squeezed spiced cidar!

If anyone has started reading this blog yet, does anyone have opinions on my first gung-ho non-slimfast diet day? What am I doing right? What am I doing terribly wrong?

I want to be a runner. I hate running, but I’ve ALWAYS wanted to be a runner. Being able to run long distance seems like the epitome of good health to me. I’ve always struggled. Even when I was in full-blown tennis mode in high school, and could endure 4 hour singles matches, I had a hard time running a mile. I know I’m doing it wrong. My posture, strides, breathing, everything. This is my goal this week; find out what I’m doing wrong. I want to be a runner. I just have to get over the embarrassment of being that fat girl that everyone passes in their car. You know what I’m talking about; people will look at me and think “this must be her first day running for sure!” or “yuck – nobody should have to see that”. I’m gonna jiggle, I’m gonna flop, I’m gonna huff and puff. But I’m gonna do it, and we’ll see who gets the last laugh!

(evil cackles)… HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Not such a good weekend.

2008-10-19T11:40:00.000-07:00

So this weekend I went to a potluck and ate a bit too much. I only got a spoonful or two of each thing, but my paper plate was pretty loaded with things like homemade mac and cheese and little sweet weenies. Those are full of calories! I am proud, though, of what I did with the dessert table. I got half a piece of apple pie and a small bowl of yogurt with fresh fruit.

We had our annual cider-making party. Tons of extended family and about 500 apples that we grind, press, and run through cheesecloth. The cider is amazing, and has no sugar or anything added to it! I plan on having some with some cinnamon, served hot. That will be my treat tonight.

Last night I made white chicken chili and (eek) a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream. Yes, I know. Terrible. I bought it without even thinking, then ate it without thinking on PURPOSE.

Today I woke up really late and had some leftover chili at about 11:30. My husband and I watched a movie. I'm going grocery shopping tonight for some fresh produce. Hopefully next week will be better.

2008-10-17T04:22:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was a good day.

I woke up and got to the office by 7:00. I immediately drank 2 glasses of water. At 8:00, I had a slimfast. At 10, I had an apple and a glass of water. I did leg lifts at my desk (really, what else can you do? Walk to the printer, to the bathroom… around the ring of cublicles). For lunch at 12:15 I had another slimfast and an orange, with water. I went home at 3:30, and did some stuff… drank some water. Then Matthew had to leave for work, and I decided I didn’t want to stick around home all night. Since he was going to be getting out at 9:00, I decided to have him drop me off at the mall. I ate dinner at 5:00. I had steamed rice, orange chicken, and steamed veggies with a glass of water. At about 8:00 I stopped at subway and got *gasp* apples and a small diet coke. Am I self-controlled or what? At least for one day. I walked around the mall all night, trying on funky dresses and cute tops. I got my exercise, and enjoyed myself. And the only thing I bought was a new sports bra!

What did I do that I could have done better? The first thing I think people would mention is that SlimFast isn’t the way to go; I should just eat more whole grains, produce, chicken, salads, veggies, blah blah blah. In a normal world, that would be best. But right now I need to be more disciplined, and have an easy plan. If I were to try to stick with that stuff, I’d end up eating too much and adding in pointless calories (ranch dressing, butter sauce…). I need to get myself away from all of those things for awhile. Once I see that I can start losing weight, I think seeing a change will spur me on.

I do see that I need more veggies, though. My day had a lot of fruit, but only 1 serving of veggies. So today I have an apple at work, and also some celery and carrot sticks. I think I will have broccoli with dinner tonight.

Also, orange chicken and steamed rice are not the best choices. Brown rice would have been better, but they didn’t have any. I figured steamed rice is better than fried rice. As for the chicken, it was breaded.. not too healthy. I was planning on getting the lower-calorie unbreaded bourbon chicken, but they weren’t serving it, and I caved.

Best of all? I am down 2 pounds from 3 days ago. To be honest though, I did start my period yesterday, which could have something to do with it.

I want to share with you a memory of my childhood that will always be seared into my memory.
I was a skinny child, right up until 5th grade. 5th grade was when I packed on a TON of weight. My parents divorced in 4th grade and I took it very hard. My dad moved in with grandma and grandpa. I visited them every other weekend, and every Wednesday. I ate muffins, pies, icecream, buttered popcorn. My grandma was heartbroken as well, and she would serve me 3 pieces of apple pie in a sitting. She’d send me and my little sister home wih baked goods every time. I started eating at home all the time. I went from being in childrens sizes in 5th grade, to wearing a women’s size 16 the summer before 6th grade. I was 186 pounds. My grandma brought me shopping for a new school outfit. I was so excited, and didn’t even realize how big I had gotten. I was a little girl! I went shopping, and found what I thought was the perfect outfit. The shirt was a collared t-shirt with stripes that met in a V in front. The stripes were brown, light brown, pea green, and bright green. To be fair, it was stylish at that point in time. I also bought corduroy pants, which were in style. I didn’t really know HOW to do style, though. So I got a pair of brown size 16 pants that were really tight around my ankles. I also got a pair of VANS skater shoes.

I looked ridiculous. Looking back now, I am so embarrassed and sad for myself. I showed up for my first day of middle school and immediately set myself up to be ridiculed. I was fat, and now I wore ugly clothes. I was also very shy, and didn’t have many friends. I was a cutter. Do you know what that is? Some people don’t. I would cut myself or scratch myself to cause pain. Mostly on my arms. A lot of people say they do it “to make the emotional pain go away”. I don’t think there was ever a conscious reason why I did it. I didn’t even realize I was doing it; but it started right after the divorce. I didn’t even HEAR about what cutting was until 8th grade, and yet I did it.

I often wonder what my life would have been like if I had never put on that initial weight. The summer before 8th grade I dropped a ton of weight and got down to 130 pounds. I didn’t really make any changes to my diet that I know of, I must have just hit puberty; but the damage was already done. The popular girls already saw me as a loser, and I had made myself a group of friends out of the misfits in school. It was horrible; we were all embarrassed that we were friends with each other, but we needed friends. Kids can be so horrible. I could be so horrible. In high school I joined the tennis team and sang in choir. I joined some clubs, and started to make my way up the social ladder. By the time I graduated I was one of those people right in the middle. Not popular, but the popular people would joke and laugh with me, and ask me how I was doing instead of putting gum in my hair in class (as two girls did in 7th grade).

If I had started in the middle, would I have worked my way up? If I hadn’t found comfort in food in 5th grade, would I turn to food now for comfort? If my parents hadn’t divorced, would I be skinny and beautiful now like my mom and sister are? My mom is 5’5 and 115 lbs. My sister is 5’2 and 125 lbs, and a total knockout. She’s 21 and has this perfect body and skin, and gets all da boys (not that I want all da boys, I caught myself the best one already. But it would be nice to feel like I COULD, ya know?). I love her to death, but I have been jealous of her for years. I am almost double her size. I AM double my mom’s size.

I want to get to the root of my issues, so that I can fix them. But I’m afraid of what I’ll find when I get there. I’ve quit cutting. I still binge on food quite often. I do have friends, although not as many as I’d like. I pushed them away when I was 18 and started dating my husband. We were completely focused on each other for the first couple years. Now I am clingy and whiney and dependant on him. I’m working on that, though. I know that I’m pushing him away by being that way. And on top of that, I feel so unattractive that our love life is seriously dwindling. He tells me I’m gorgeous at any size, but I just can’t believe that. I look at myself and think “where are those high cheekbones my mom has always complimented me on? Where is my delicate jaw? Where is the hourglass figure I had in high school? Why does my butt sag now, when I used to have this blam-in-your-face J Lo booty? Why can’t my favorite Bad Duck shirt not fit anymore?”

*sigh*. It’s a work in progress. And research in progress, I suppose.

Gonna pack my bags and move to the EAST!

2008-10-16T08:34:00.001-07:00

China. Land of veggies and lean meats. Land of small people. Land of stores in which they do NOT carry my size.

This is the land I am moving to next year. My husband and I are going to teach English through an organization. We are hoping to leave in March, if we are able to afford the trip by December. If we don’t get the funds by then, we will be leaving next September. While I am insanely excited about the opportunity, I also have many fears. One big one has to do with my weight. Being a bigger girl here in the states is embarrassing enough; I can’t shop at my favorite stores anymore. Sometimes when I stand up, I take plastic chairs with me. When I stand straight, my arms stick out a bit because of the flesh under them. I even own a few maternity shirts because they “look cuter”. Only I got called out on it one time when someone said “That is such a cute shirt!” And then someone else said “Wait, isn’t that from the maternity section at Target? DO YOU HAVE NEWS?!”

No, I didn’t have news. I just couldn’t find an empire waisted shirt that fit me correctly with my new found roundness.

Anyway, we’re shipping off to China. And there are positives and negatives to this. One positive is that I will almost SURELY lose weight. We will be walking a lot, biking, and eating very healthy. We will nto be watching TV. We will not be eating popcorn and ice cream all the time. But with this comes my many fears.
Clothes. If I lose weight, I’ll need new clothes. But its extremely hard to find plus sized clothes in China. And I only have so much space to pack my “hopeful” smaller sizes in.
Stares. From what I hear, we’ll be stared at. Especially if we are in a smaller town or city. And with my husband having ice blue eyes and a shaved head, we’ll get more looks. And with me looking like a female version of the Pillsbury dough boy, we’ll get even more.
I have no energy. Will I be strong enough to do all the things we want to do? We want to travel, climb mountains. Right now I am NOT in shape for that.

So now what? I have to lose weight before leaving. My goal is to lose 30 lbs in 5 months. Should be perfectly doable. That will get me back into the 100’s. Eventually, my goal is 145 lbs. I am 5’7, and it’s within my healthy weight range. In high school, during my sophomore year, I weighed 145 and loved it; my clothes fit perfect, I could run an 8 minute mile, and I could play tennis for 2 hours without feeling ready to pass out. I would really like to reach that weight by the time I return from China, but I don’t really know how to set goals for when I’m there. I may not have a scale, and I have no idea what food will be available.

Why China? Good question. My husband is halfway through his bachelors degree. I have a little over a year under my belt. We both eventually want to continue school, but neither of us really know what we want to do with our lives. Do I want to be a stay at home mom? A writer? A lawyer? An editor? Does he want to teach, or work in a museum? We decided it was time to take ourselves out of our comfort zones and away from our “things”, and the stress of life. When else will we have the chance to move across the world? We have no debt, no house, no kids. It’s time for an adventure!

You may be wondering how we can do this without a college degree. I thought the same thing myself! Actually, China has a huge need for English teachers. Many provinces require at least a bachelors degree in order to teach in public schools. In the western or northern parts of the country however, this isn’t always the case. Private language schools will hire high school graduates with a good grasp of the English language. We will be taking a training program online to teach us techniques for teaching English as a foreign language. We’re not sure where we’ll be placed, it all depends on what jobs are available, and when we get our paperwork and money all in.

So, basically… I’m asking for bunches of prayers on that front, as well as for endurance in weight loss. I need to get healthy. I need to get fit. I need to WANT it enough to just do it.

That required introduction

2008-10-15T14:31:00.000-07:00

Yeah, this is one of those. Seriously, I wish it wasn't necessary. The last thing I want to do is spend my night writing out my life story just so that y'all can have some background on what "makes me tick". So I'm going to keep it short and sweet, and move on to the outpouring of useless emotions that we women sometimes need. I'll keep them in bullet points to make things seem even less complicated:

Amy: 23 yr old married female
I spend at least 8 hours a day in solitary confinement (aka "cubicle") doing medical billing in a crooked office
I am completely confused about what I want in life, which will become more and more obvious
I am fat. 229 lbs fat, to be exact.
I get fat FAST. 3.5 years ago I was in a wedding dress, and 153 lbs. That's 76 new "love lbs".
I have huge confidence issues. HUGE.
My childhood was messed up. So I'm a beautiful mess.
I'm trying halfheartedly to change my ways.

There you go... that last bullet was painfully honest. I want to be someone new, someone different. I want to be a better wife, a better daughter, a better friend. I want to lose weight, and feel good about myself. I want to see the beauty in myself that Matthew sees. I want my fear about flapping fat and red stretch marks to stop smashing my love life to pieces. I want to stop judging my mom and start loving her more. I want my sister to become my friend. I want to feel that I am good at something. I want to stop eating. I want to start walking. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself and start feeling proud. I want to feel smart the way that I did when I was in school. I want to go somewhere public with my husband without feeling like everyone is wondering what he is doing with a piggie like her. I want to hate chocolate. I want to hate wet burritos, and cheeseburgers, and bacon, and donuts. I want to be able to buy my favorite jeans from Express again. I want to go back to being "pear shaped" instead of "apple shaped". I want to have a perky butt again. I want to enjoy having the spotlight on me instead of wanting to hide.

But I don't TOTALLY want all of that. I don't want to put the work into it. That's what a lot of us are like, aren't we? I read blogs all the time, but this is the first one I've decided to write and stick with myself. I'm often struck by how easy they make weight loss, or parenting, or life in general seem. Life is HARD. Weight loss is HARD. Marriage is HARD (parenting will wait a few years, I hope). But I hope that renewing my passion for writing will ignite a fire under my tookus that will get the ball rolling.

Now that we know what I want to accomplish (we being myself and my imaginary audience, since in reality I am the only one who even knows this blog exists), it's time for the first big confession.

I eat loads of crap. Its no big mystery to me why I got fat. Before I got married, I waitressed 4 nights a week, and stocked groceries another 15 hours a week. I bent, squatted, walked, and lifted all day, every day. I was obsessed with my boyfriend, and frequently forgot to eat on a regular basis. I was working 30+ hours a week, taking 15 college credits, and spending every spare moment with Matthew. I would skip breakfast, go to school, grab a pop tart for lunch, and then go to the restaurant. I would walk 15 miles in a night (yes, seriously. I wore a pedometer for my wellness class and I walked 13-15 miles every night at work). At 7:00 when things quieted down I would put an order in wih the cook for a half order or hash browns and 2 strips of bacon. Sometimes I would switch it up and order 2 eggs and steamed rice with chicken gravy on it. Wierd, I know. But I worked in a tiny family restaurant that served breakfast/burgers/steak/pasta/chinese food. It was a wierd mix. When I got home I would crash into bed until 6:00 the next morning.

When I got married, I quit school. I found what I considered a "real" job at a medical billing company where I had 40 hours a week and health insurance. We get bagels with each new hire, potlucks with every new baby, wedding, and holiday, and leftovers after all the doctors meetings. And we definitely do NOT walk 15 miles a day. I quickly packed on the pounds. I eat too much, and exercise too little. I sit at home all evening, every evening. My husband works from the time I get home until bed time, and we have one car. This usually means I'm stranded at my tiny studio apartment all evening. To be fair, it is a short term situation. We're moving to China next year for 10 months, and are saving pennies. but it still makes it harder to be active than if I could drive around, walk around the mall, go to the gym, or hang out with friends. Today I had every intention of NOT EATING CRAP. I went to work with 2 slimfast shakes, an apple, an orange, and some nuts. Some for breakfast, some for lunch. An hour after getting there the doctors meeting let out and we had dibs on the bacon, eggs, potatoes, muffins, etc. And so I folded immediately and grabbed a plate. I also STILL drank my shake. At lunch I tried to fix things by only eating the orange; but when my husband picked me up, we stopped at McDonalds on the way home for dinner. I got a 6 piece mcnugget, medium fries, and a small reeses mcflurry. So much for that "no crap" day.

I need help here. I don't really know WHAT I need. Support? Online buddies? A cheer squad? Maybe. But I think mostly I just need a way to let my thoughts and emotions out without feeling like an idiot. So please don't call me an idiot, it would defeat the purpose.

I think this is enough for a first post. My fingers are hurting and I'm getting the munchies; I think I'll go soak in the tub.