Wednesday, October 15, 2008

That required introduction

Yeah, this is one of those. Seriously, I wish it wasn't necessary. The last thing I want to do is spend my night writing out my life story just so that y'all can have some background on what "makes me tick". So I'm going to keep it short and sweet, and move on to the outpouring of useless emotions that we women sometimes need. I'll keep them in bullet points to make things seem even less complicated:
  • Amy: 23 yr old married female
  • I spend at least 8 hours a day in solitary confinement (aka "cubicle") doing medical billing in a crooked office
  • I am completely confused about what I want in life, which will become more and more obvious
  • I am fat. 229 lbs fat, to be exact.
  • I get fat FAST. 3.5 years ago I was in a wedding dress, and 153 lbs. That's 76 new "love lbs".
  • I have huge confidence issues. HUGE.
  • My childhood was messed up. So I'm a beautiful mess.
  • I'm trying halfheartedly to change my ways.

There you go... that last bullet was painfully honest. I want to be someone new, someone different. I want to be a better wife, a better daughter, a better friend. I want to lose weight, and feel good about myself. I want to see the beauty in myself that Matthew sees. I want my fear about flapping fat and red stretch marks to stop smashing my love life to pieces. I want to stop judging my mom and start loving her more. I want my sister to become my friend. I want to feel that I am good at something. I want to stop eating. I want to start walking. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself and start feeling proud. I want to feel smart the way that I did when I was in school. I want to go somewhere public with my husband without feeling like everyone is wondering what he is doing with a piggie like her. I want to hate chocolate. I want to hate wet burritos, and cheeseburgers, and bacon, and donuts. I want to be able to buy my favorite jeans from Express again. I want to go back to being "pear shaped" instead of "apple shaped". I want to have a perky butt again. I want to enjoy having the spotlight on me instead of wanting to hide.

But I don't TOTALLY want all of that. I don't want to put the work into it. That's what a lot of us are like, aren't we? I read blogs all the time, but this is the first one I've decided to write and stick with myself. I'm often struck by how easy they make weight loss, or parenting, or life in general seem. Life is HARD. Weight loss is HARD. Marriage is HARD (parenting will wait a few years, I hope). But I hope that renewing my passion for writing will ignite a fire under my tookus that will get the ball rolling.

Now that we know what I want to accomplish (we being myself and my imaginary audience, since in reality I am the only one who even knows this blog exists), it's time for the first big confession.

I eat loads of crap. Its no big mystery to me why I got fat. Before I got married, I waitressed 4 nights a week, and stocked groceries another 15 hours a week. I bent, squatted, walked, and lifted all day, every day. I was obsessed with my boyfriend, and frequently forgot to eat on a regular basis. I was working 30+ hours a week, taking 15 college credits, and spending every spare moment with Matthew. I would skip breakfast, go to school, grab a pop tart for lunch, and then go to the restaurant. I would walk 15 miles in a night (yes, seriously. I wore a pedometer for my wellness class and I walked 13-15 miles every night at work). At 7:00 when things quieted down I would put an order in wih the cook for a half order or hash browns and 2 strips of bacon. Sometimes I would switch it up and order 2 eggs and steamed rice with chicken gravy on it. Wierd, I know. But I worked in a tiny family restaurant that served breakfast/burgers/steak/pasta/chinese food. It was a wierd mix. When I got home I would crash into bed until 6:00 the next morning.

When I got married, I quit school. I found what I considered a "real" job at a medical billing company where I had 40 hours a week and health insurance. We get bagels with each new hire, potlucks with every new baby, wedding, and holiday, and leftovers after all the doctors meetings. And we definitely do NOT walk 15 miles a day. I quickly packed on the pounds. I eat too much, and exercise too little. I sit at home all evening, every evening. My husband works from the time I get home until bed time, and we have one car. This usually means I'm stranded at my tiny studio apartment all evening. To be fair, it is a short term situation. We're moving to China next year for 10 months, and are saving pennies. but it still makes it harder to be active than if I could drive around, walk around the mall, go to the gym, or hang out with friends. Today I had every intention of NOT EATING CRAP. I went to work with 2 slimfast shakes, an apple, an orange, and some nuts. Some for breakfast, some for lunch. An hour after getting there the doctors meeting let out and we had dibs on the bacon, eggs, potatoes, muffins, etc. And so I folded immediately and grabbed a plate. I also STILL drank my shake. At lunch I tried to fix things by only eating the orange; but when my husband picked me up, we stopped at McDonalds on the way home for dinner. I got a 6 piece mcnugget, medium fries, and a small reeses mcflurry. So much for that "no crap" day.

I need help here. I don't really know WHAT I need. Support? Online buddies? A cheer squad? Maybe. But I think mostly I just need a way to let my thoughts and emotions out without feeling like an idiot. So please don't call me an idiot, it would defeat the purpose.

I think this is enough for a first post. My fingers are hurting and I'm getting the munchies; I think I'll go soak in the tub.

2 comments:

Lyn said...

I think this is a GREAT start to changing your life into what you want it to be. Good idea to blog your emotions, your goals. I am glad to get to know you :)

I like to remember: losing weight is hard, maintaining is hard, being fat is hard. Choose your hard.

You can do it!

debbyweighsin said...

Wow, Amy Jo, you ARE a good writer. I look forward to sharing your journey with you.

Do you live where its not safe to walk in the early evening?

Curious about the 10 months in China thing. Sounds interesting.