Happy New Years Eve!

Yesterday was a wonderful day life-wise. I went to the mall after work and walked… bought a fluffy gray hoodie for the Husband. Diet wise, still fell. I don’t know what is going on these past few weeks. I’m having such difficulty trying to put full effort into my diet, and into my relationship. If anyone has some wonderful wise advice, feel free to share; I think, however, the answer is just to DO it. *sigh*

Anyway, today is going to be a good day too; I’ve already decided that. I have to work until 3:00, then home for a little nap. After that, it’s off to the in-laws for a fun filled date night of dinner, movies, and games. I love my in-laws; they’re quirky, sweet, funny, and genuinely fun to be around. And I’m very glad that Husband decided to spend New Years with them instead of in a bar with his work friends.

China update? We were told we have a possible placement in Zhejiang province, on the east coast. It is a high school. We’re getting really excited, but the nervousness is kicking in too. They may want us as early as 2/20 – that means less than two months away!

I'm the Cookie Monster.

Diet? Today I am 219 lbs. .5 lbs lighter than yesterday. But I still did poorly. It’s like there’s this other person that takes over. Amy is a determined, strong woman who is taking control of her life and her health. But then this nasty, wicked little person comes swooping in and shoves chocolate and haystack cookies in my mouth. I ate 4 of those cookies yesterday. 2 for breakfast, and 2 later. I cleaned the kitchen a bit, and in a moment of strength, slid all the leftover cookies into the trash can. I was going to bring them to work today, but I know I would have eaten more last night.

No matter, I found other ways to sabotage myself. I ate 3 mini-candy bars. I ate a bag of chocolate “High School Musical” coins my mom gave me (don’t ask). I had laughing cow and triscuits. I ate 1 piece of fudge (although that “piece” was about 2 inches by 4 inches). I decided I had had enough calories, so I was just going to have some slimfast and a tiny bit of leftover oatmeal for dinner. Then, once again, the evil took over and I put oil and hash browns in the frying pan, then slathered them with margarine and ate that. Then another candy bar. *sigh* I have a problem. And when I’m stressed, or hurting, it is so much worse. At least in China, I won’t have all that stuff so easily accessible!

Day 2 of the Love Dare went well. Husband didn’t mention the cleaning when he got home from his first job, just came in and took a nap. Which he needed. Before I went to bed, I wrote a long, sad entry in my daily journal, discouraged that this is not going to work. Yes, there was a pity party and I was the only one who attended. But then, at 12:30am when he got home (Mondays he comes home late), he thanked me out of nowhere for all the work I did. My heart grew really big and I felt loads better. I know we have a LONG LONG LONG way to go… but I’m optimistic. He’s teaching himself to beatbox, and he’s already really good! It’s nice to see him happy, and excited about something new. And he’s been sharing it with me, which makes me happy to no end. No, I don’t beatbox; no, I don’t have a huge interest in hearing it in normal situations. But I do have a huge interest in his happiness, and in listening to his interests, and showing him that I love him, and want to share with him the things he’s passionate about. I couldn’t have said that a month ago; but now I mean it. And it’s freeing.

Day 3’s dare? To buy something for my husband that tells him I was thinking of him. He takes the car to work, so I can’t drive myself anywhere today. I have two choices; I can either a)buy him a candy bar out of the office vending machine, or b) have him drop me off at the mall for some walking and window shopping, and find something there. I don’t want to do this halfway. I’m exhausted, and my lady time is starting today, so I’ve got cramps; but buying a candy bar is a cop-out. And more than that, it’s not even that great, because I bring him food often, and he has a bunch of snacks left from Christmas. This is my marriage, and our happiness on the line; I’m putting everything in that I can. So the mall it is!

Cleaning Queen

Day 1 of the Love Dare was yesterday. I think I did pretty well, except for a bump towards the end. I was working hard not to say anything negative at all, not to bicker, and definitely not to fight. There was a slip up, but I feel that I handled it fairly well; mostly it was miscommunication, and also the mistakes I've made in the past made the situation hard to resolve. But I had a good day, relationship wise; went to a wonderful church service, watched Star Trek movies, went to see Marley and Me in the theater (what a cute tear-jerker!). Altogether, definitely a day of rest.

Diet wise? I'm a wreck. The holidays were not handled as they should have been. And yesterday I *gasp* had cookies for breakfast, McDonalds for lunch, and Burger King for dinner. With popcorn, fudge, and cookies in between. The damage of the past week and a half? 5.5 lbs. That's right... I was 214. I am now 219.5. But I'm thinking positively. This morning, cookies for breakfast. That was a slip-up. A few minutes ago, 2 squares of chocolate. But I prayed, and knew that I would have to admit this here; so I washed some sweet potatoes, and I'm thawing some fish. I am climbing back on the diet wagon, even if I'm climbing a little unsteadily.

Day 2 of the challenge; do something nice for your spouse. I've been thinking about this. Today is the day that he works both jobs, then goes to the bar/bowling alley with his friends after work for "$3.50 burrito night". I don't see him much. I can't make a nice meal, because he's gonna eat lunch before he gets home. I can't make him dinner; I am marooned without a car, so I can't go buy a sweet gift. I COULD write a sweet note or something, but I don't think he's ready; it might make him frustrated and upset. So I just decided that I'm going to be Suzy Homemaker. I have never been great about keeping up on dishes, laundry, cleaning. Neither is he. I go through spurts where things are great, and I'm a neat freak, but then it just falls back into a dump. It's even harder because we're saving for China and live in a 350 sq ft studio apartment. Our stuff doesn't fit. How do you keep somewhere that small neat? Our food and dishes don't fit in the cabinets. Our clothes don't fit in the closet. We eat dinner at the foot of the bed, on our oak chest, because there isn't room for chairs or a table. But I'm doing my best. I've done 3 loads of laundry, dishes, and lots of scrubbing. I don't want him to worry about whether his clothes are clean, or what that wierd smell is. I want him to be able to come home to a clean, comfortable home, where he can feel calm. With my new positive attitude, and willingness to get things done, hopefully that will start coming true!

Not So Christmas

This year lacked that "Christmas" feeling. Most of it has to do with the state of my marital relationship. (It's been over a week, like I said, so I can mention it again!). It was very hard to get in the Christmas spirit knowing that my husband no longer believes in Christ. It was also hard because he still does not love me (understandably, a couple weeks has not changed that) and we had several fights. But tonight was a wonderful night, and God has provided yet another bit of hope for my broken self. Wanna know the story?

I had a dinner date with my best friend from childhood, Kristin. She picked me up and we drove to the restaurant. While we were waiting, my other closest friend, Keyla, walked in the door.
Why is this unusual, you might ask?
Because, dear friends, Keyla lives in Delaware. I am in Michigan. She and her husband came to visit family for Christmas, but that family lives almost 2 hours away. Keyla is the friend who is married to a youth pastor. She has been a great comfort to me in the past month or two as I've been struggling with my relationships with Husband and God. She's shared godly wisdom, which I have eaten up. But it was hard knowing that she was many states away. She moved about 5 months ago. But today, she drove to my city and suprised me at dinner. My friends are the best. And Kristin is so good at keeping secrets! They've been secretly plotting this for a MONTH!

The hopeful part of the night? Besides feeling that I had some serious warriors praying for us, Keyla also gave me a gift. When I unwrapped it, I found the book "Love Dare", which is what the new movie "Fireproof" is based on. The book is a challenge for married people who are seriously struggling in their marriage. It gives you one thing to do every day for 40 days. These are hard things, and it gives scripture passages, as well as a section each day explaining the concept behind that day's dare (pride, jealousy, selfishness, not cherishing, etc).

This book may be the foundation I need to rebuild my marriage. I already read ahead, and I'm both excited, as well as humbled. I am seeing a lot of areas that I have failed as a wife. But this is my chance to truly love my husband unconditionally. This new possibility is the best Christmas gift God could have given me.
an excerpt from tomorrow, day 1:

"Patience helps you give your spouse permission to be human. It understands that everyone fails. When a mistake is made, it chooses to give them more time than they deserve to correct it."

Warning: Chubby Girl Venting

I’m having issues at the moment.
My favorite pair of work pants are TOO BIG. This is a most serious predicament! For a moment, I found myself thinking “I need to gain a little more weight back, so that I can fit into these cute pants.”
WHAT THE HECK?!
No, I do not. I am still 216.5 lbs. I do not need to gain weight back for ANY reason. Certainly not so that a pair of plain brown Dockers pants will sit pretty on my wide hips.

But honestly, I’m starting to go through this weird process. My favorite pink New York and Company fleece fits better than it ever has. That makes me happy. My pajama pants are once more a bit baggy, like they were supposed to be. My button-down work shirts are finally laying flat against my body, instead of tugging the life out of those poor buttons. My knee-length black wool coat I bought 3 years ago once again buttons at the breast, making it possible to wear it out without having to explain why I never wear my coat closed.

All of those things make me happy. But at the same time? My Dockers don’t fit. My size 20/22 jeans are all too baggy, but I don’t want to buy more 18’s (my new size!) because I’m hopefully only going to be this size for a little bit longer before I’m wearing 16’s. bras are getting big, which I am seriously upset about. All through high school, I was a size A. Today, I am a C. I LIKE being a C. But as expected, those girlies are one of the first things to go.

My weight started coming off just my belly. That was nice. But now it’s falling off my boobs and my butt. My pants are saggy in the back. I always had a perky hind end, and it’s starting to… deflate. I know that if I want to fix that, I need to get some serious exercise in; but finding the gumption/opportunities is proving harder than I wish it was.

On the upside, I’m dealing with these problems because I’M LOSING WEIGHT!

One more chubby girl grievance; what’s with plus-sized pants? I’ve noticed a HUGE change in pants between 18’s and 20’s. What is that change? The back of the pants. Yes, ladies, apparently when you hit that size 20 point, your but gets a lot longer. Because my new 18’s are lower, and are at the same height in the back that they are in the front. My 20’s, however, were about 3 inches higher in the back. They made my butt look all long and frumpy (okay, a size 20 but is a bit frumpy) but still, they change the measurements in plus-sized pants. I know 18’s are still “plus-sized”, but I can find them on Juniors rack at JC Penney, and I can find them at the GAP! I used to be at the point where I HAD to shop either at Old Navy (they have jeans up to a size 20), the Target plus sized section, or JC Penney’s “woman” section. Lane Bryant’s clothes just didn’t fit me right. But the other day, I was at the mall, and I slipped into jeans at the GAP, Macy’s, New York & Company, and Vanity. And I even fit cutely in a pair of size 16 Tommy Hilfiger jeans! Too bad they were $80….

Happy Christmas Eve Eve, folks. I’m in the office while yet another winter storm rages outside. Today will be a test in my willpower; I will be making cookies, fudge, and more fudge. Figures my mom sticks me with the treat that I love the most.

Couldn’t I have been responsible for the shrimp dip, instead? That stuff is gross.

It is going to be a white, white Christmas.

For people who have never lived in one of the northern states, it is hard to imagine what this is like. And unless you’ve lived in MICHIGAN, you don’t get the full effect. Surrounded by huge bodies of water, we get dumped on. It is what we affectionately call “lake effect snow”. And we get a lot of it.

We’ve been hit by two winter storms in the past week. We have well over a foot of snow. Plows can’t get through fast enough. It’s too cold for salt to do anything to the roads. People are being plowed into their parking spots. Police are asking that people stay off the roads unless absolutely necessary. I didn't go to church on Sunday, because they all closed! I was even up and ready to go, but couldn't find one open in the area.

I LOVE this. I can’t ever imagine living somewhere without these 4 very distinct seasons. Sure, it gets annoying. I don’t like spending half an hour digging my car out in the morning, or chipping the ice off my windshield with a CD case because I snapped my show brush in half. But it’s gorgeous; and it creates this very “homey” feeling. And it’s about to get homier, because another big one is on the way for tomorrow, and also on Christmas Eve. Christmas day will have a break, but then another one is coming next weekend. Many of the surrounding counties even have BLIZZARD warnings!

Why all of this boring back story stuff? Because I am amazed by the kindness of people. I was raised to think the worst of people, I think. When I get a flat tire, I never even consider the possibility that someone will stop and help. And when I get stuck in the snow at the entrance to Olive Garden, I don’t think that a nice man with a huge SUV is going to plow on through and throw his J-Crew-clad self under the hood of my car into the nasty dirty road snow to clip a tow cable onto my bumper. But it happens!
And I never expect a chubby, friendly looking teenage girl to pull her little escort over and help me push my car out of the driveway of Arby’s when I’ve sunk into at least 3 feet of snow. I don’t expect a mini-van to pull up and spill out two tiny Mexican girls yelling only Spanish, who come up behind the car and give it that final shove that sends us rolling into the turn lane, out of the Wendy’s parking lot. But it happens; because people are much better than I tend to think. Go, good Samaritans!

I see a pattern here; I believe God is punishing me for eating so much junk this weekend. Every time we went to get junk food, we got stuck. And God threw some nice people our way, as if to say “Yeah, seriously, you need to learn your lesson. But just to drive my point home, I’ll show that even though you suck at dieting this weekend, I’m gonna take care of you. Because you need to love me more than your curly fries”.

Am I serious? No… well, maybe a little. I fell flat on my face this weekend. Fell off the wagon. And got ran over by it. And it was FUN. But not so fun when I saw the scale this morning, and I’m back up to 216.5 lbs. Here is just a snippet of the junk I ate this weekend:
Olive Garden: Minestrone soup, breakstick salad
La Cantina: Chips and cheese, bean dip, chicken tacos
Arby’s: Roast beef with cheddar and bacon, curly fries
Wendy’s: 1 snackwrap and small fry
Plus… Chinese food, chocolate bar, 2 Starbucks Peppermint Hot Chocolates.

Seeing that, I’m actually a little amazed that I only gained 2 lbs. I don’t know what happened; Husband and I were wanting munchies. We had a decent weekend, and since we were “snowed in”, watching movies all weekend, naturally we had to go OUT for junk food, to bring BACK. Yeah, not logical. Anyways, I fell. And I’m scraping my snowy self back up off the ground, and I’m going to keep going; because I love feeling healthier, prettier, better. And I’m not going to let some FOOD stop me from that!

Blizzard

This week has been one wierd week.

Monday - wednesday: I was out of work sick with strep throat. NOT fun.

Wednesday: Went to work at 6:00 am. Power went out at 6:30. Generator did not kick on. Stuck around office until 9:30 am, then left. (note: Power was fixed at 9:45. Go figure.)

Friday: Went to work at 6:30 am. Blizzard in progress. As the morning continued, the snow continued to blow, and the snow against the window was almost thigh high in places because of the wind. Office closed early at 1:00pm.

So here I am, saturday morning, in a winter wonderland. I SHOULD take some pictures for you, but I can't find my camera. It took half an hour to dig my friend's car out of the parking lot, and another for her to make the .75 mile drive to my apartment. We got stuck 3 times, and had to exit the car and use the shovel.

Snow angels were made.

Last night, Husband and I fell asleep to the picture and sounds of the Nutcracker on TV (it was set on a sleep timer to turn off). It was very nice, and a favorite Christmas tradition. This morning I'm getting ready for a soup and salad lunch with one of my best friends from high school. We're meeting at Olive Garden, my favorite place for soup!

This weekend is going to be good; lots of cooking, a little shopping, and a date with my mom and sister for the 4 of us to play Mario Kart on our Wii. Yes, my mom plays with the Wii. She borrowed it and has this odd fascination with it. She's a wierd mom; loves Nascar too. But she's endearing. And I'm becoming better and better friends with her as I get older.

Have a great weekend!

French Women and Timeclock Christmas Wishes

Yesterday I finished a fabulous book; French Women Don’t Get Fat: The Secret of Eating for Pleasure. I absolutely HEART this book. There are so many absolutely wonderful points in it. Here are a few of my favorite points (paraphrased, because I don’t currently have the book with me).

French women eat smaller portions of more things. We eat larger portions of fewer things.
French women take time to enjoy their food. They smell it, taste it, let it melt in their mouths. They never eat on the run.
French women take the time to focus on their meals. They sit at the table without the TV. They pour a glass of wine and artfully arrange food on their plates.
French women eat good food in moderation. They don’t eat nonfat, lowfat, or sugar free. They eat the best bread, the best chocolate, and the best cheese, and because of that, they need less to feel satisfied.
French women don’t set time aside to exercise. They walk all day long. They take the stairs up to their apartment instead of the elevator. They lead more active lifestyles.
French women eat large mid-day meals and light suppers, usually soup.
French women drink a lot of water.

There are more points I could hit, because there were so many great ones in this book. It’s about a lifestyle, not a diet. They can enjoy food in a way we usually don’t. They would not imagine of eating a snickers bar as they walked out the door. They will sit down with a glass of wine and a couple small pieces of good, quality chocolate. Not the milk chocolate stuff, but the dark stuff. They savor the flavor, and take in all of the great antioxidants as well, without all the added sugar and junk that our milk chocolate has in it. There are some great soup recipes in this, and also a yummy breakfast idea!

Banana Pie
½ cup plain yogurt
½ banana, sliced thin
Wheat germ
Honey

Mix together with the amounts of wheat germ and honey that please your tastes. Enjoy!
It seems so simple; but definitely something I’m going to try, now that I have wheat germ in the house!

I can’t seem to get back into my diet groove! Yesterday I didn’t do terrible, but I felt undernourished a bit, and I went to bed with a seriously rumbling tummy.
Breakfast: ½ asiago cheese bagel with cream cheese
Lunch: yet another sampler platter. Reduced fat triscuits, laughing cow, healthy choice deli ham. Some raw green beans and hummus. Yogurt and cherries.
Snack: tootsie roll (100 calorie package)
Dinner: garden salad with cucumber, carrots, green peppers, and broccoli with raspberry vinaigrette. Fruit cup with strawberry, pineapple, watermelon, cantelope, and kiwi.

The issue? I didn’t have filling snacks. And my dinner was very low calorie. BUT, at least I saw something remarkable this morning: Scale says 214.5. 24 ½ lbs are gone from my tubby body, never to return (well, at least not to return PERMANANTLY). And that feels GOOD.

I leave you with a bit of Christmas cheer this morning, found in my work inbox. Someone has a bit too much time on their hands.
*names have been changed. At least a few of the weird ones.

Twas the week before Christmas, when all through MMS
Not a creature was stirring, especially not the cleaning crew.
The time clock had been hung by the office door with care,
In hopes that all of you soon would be there.
The employees were nestled all snug in their cubicles,
Some complaining it’s hot, next to those who were not,
and Dr. White in his ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just wanted to know how to fold this darn map.
When out in the office there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
I looked behind the door and I looked in the trash.
The time clock’s not working, it even stopped hissing,
and Caleb’s e-mail said he thought it was missing!
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a bare wall where the time clock used to be.
Then a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Rick.
More rapid than eagles some employees they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
"Now Becky! now, Brenda! now, Lisa and Asheley!
On, Millie! On, Mandi! on Kelly and Wendy!
To the front conference room! to the top of the wall!
Now find it! Now Find it! Now find it - you all!"
And then, in a twinkling, I heard from the lobby
There’s a guy here who thinks selling art is his hobby.
As I sent him away and was turning around,
All the way from Coopersville, Bob came in with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
You see he had just replaced a bunch of light bulbs,
And he looked like a peddler, selling imported zulbs (hey…it rhymes).
His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how crimson!
And people still confuse him for some guy named Mel Gibson!
He said it was way way too cold out there,
And the beard of his chin was as thin as his hair.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
From eating all those M&M’s that he kept for himself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know that he must be brain dead.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his desk,
And wrote this little e-mail to let you all know.
That the time clock is broke!He threw it out in the snow!
So until it is fixed, or until it’s returned,
Write your times in very neatly so Deb’s not concerned.
So with that I must close, and with all of my might,
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Black Out

Today, sickie was in the office at 6:30 AM. At 6:45, the lights went out. The computer shut off. The caller ID went blank. All was dark, and all was quiet in that little medical billing office.
It stayed that way for 3 hours. Amy filed medical charts. She took staples out of paperwork. She filled our VA forms. She pretended to work. She pretended to pretend to work. Finally, she asked to go home.

This is how I once again am sitting at home at 10:10AM. I got sick of being paid to do nothing (me and my darn concience). The power outage had several people sitting, enjoying Panera bagels and Starbucks. I admit, I gave in to a low-carb asiago cheese bagel. I ate half, with cream cheese.

Anyway, today I am 215.5 pounds. Why the .5 lb gainage, do you ask? Let me explain.

I was a bad girl.

Yesterday I went to the mall for the evening. I was stir-crazy, and feeling spritely. So far that day I had had a bowl of cheerios and some chocolate mousse yoplait yogurt (my favorite EVER. It's fabulous... but at 160 calories, not exactly the best choice). We stopped at Wendy's and I had 1 spicy chicken wrap and a small fry. Not terrible, but not a good idea.
I decided to go to a movie. I hit the mall candy store to get cheaper munchies (should not have). I got a small box of junior mints, and a 5 package of Rolos. I then also got a chocolate mocha at the movie. More on the movie later... but afterwards, I wandered, tried on dresses again (I like doing this once a week, it makes me feel good to look cute, and to know that I'm shrinking!). I finally found my footing and got a light dinner of 1 tossed salad (with carrots, cucumbers, green peppers, and broccoli, with rasberry vinigrette) and a bowl of fresh fruit. yuuummmmm....

Anyway, the movie I saw was The Duchess. I did not expect much of this movie, but it was the cheap movie for the night ($3.50). I was suprised to find that I was in tears through much of the movie.
The story is of a woman who marries very young, and soon finds out that she is in a loveless marriage. Her husband is a Duke (obviously), and wants only to get an heir from her. He takes on mistresses, and makes his wife raise a daughter he fathered with a maid that passed away. The story follows her life, her struggles with concieving a son (she has two girls), and her love story with another man. I don't approve of adultry, so that part of the story made me feel less for her, but I connected intensely in many areas.
There is one part towards the end of the movie that had me in serious tears. (Don't read this if you don't want to know the ending!). Her husband tells her that if she continues her affair (even though he is fine with all of his dalliances) he will kick her out and make sure her children never see her again. She chooses to stay with him and break things off with the man she loves. She knows she is entering into a life of sadness. The two of them are sitting together, and her husband tells her that he wants things to work out. He is still cold, still unloving. But he places his hand on hers very lightly. Her eyes tear up, and you can see the moment of decision on her face. She places her hand over his, and then they break apart and go their separate ways. They do not love each other. But they stay together.

Do I want this? Of course not. Do I think that this will be how my marriage continues? I pray it won't. BUT, I know that feeling that she had when he touched her, because I've felt it recently. I feel it when my husband holds my hand at the mall, or when he touches the small of my back as I walk through a door. He does not love me, but the contact gives me comfort. And I can continue. And I will continue. And if I can't find love from him, I will not search for it in another man; I will search for it in God. And God will give me the strength I need to glorify him in my role as a wife to my husband. I will give him my love, and I will give him the respect that God demands I give him.

I am not going to blog about my marriage for the next week; I am going to pray, and work at it, and talk to my pastor friend. We'll see if that makes a difference.

Today, I Am Encouraged.

First, I would like to give a thankyou to my dear blog friend, Debby from http://debbyweighsin.wordpress.com/. After reading a comment from her, my heart was heavy, knowing that I needed support from a different source than simply myself and this blog. I am not regularly attending a church, and do not have a pastor that I can go to. I do not have the money for marriage counseling; but I do have a dear dear friend who is a pastor's wife, and I've turned to her and her husband for some godly advice.
The answer was so simple; she just flipped open the Bible, and let God guide me through a passage in 1 Peter. We were reading the Message. This is technically a paraphrasing of the Bible, but more understandable. I know this passage in KJV and NSV, so reading it in this different format effected me in a different way.

1 Peter 3
1-4The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition.
4-6Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in. The holy women of old were beautiful before God that way, and were good, loyal wives to their husbands. Sarah, for instance, taking care of Abraham, would address him as "my dear husband." You'll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unanxious and unintimidated.
8-12Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless—that's your job, to bless. You'll be a blessing and also get a blessing. Whoever wants to embrace life and see the day fill up with good, Here's what you do:
Say nothing evil or hurtful;
Snub evil and cultivate good;
run after peace for all you're worth.
God looks on all this with approval,
listening and responding well to what he's asked;
But he turns his back on those who do evil things.
13-18If with heart and soul you're doing good, do you think you can be stopped? Even if you suffer for it, you're still better off. Don't give the opposition a second thought. Through thick and thin, keep your hearts at attention, in adoration before Christ, your Master. Be ready to speak up and tell anyone who asks why you're living the way you are, and always with the utmost courtesy. Keep a clear conscience before God so that when people throw mud at you, none of it will stick. They'll end up realizing that they're the ones who need a bath. It's better to suffer for doing good, if that's what God wants, than to be punished for doing bad. That's what Christ did definitively: suffered because of others' sins, the Righteous One for the unrighteous ones. He went through it all—was put to death and then made alive—to bring us to God.

I'm letting go. I'm going to love my husband with everything I have in me; but I am going to love and serve my Lord, first and foremost. He will guide me. I will continue to seek godly guidance, and to focus on doing good. I am going to be a light for my husband. I am going to focus on growing in the Lord, and on putting my trust in him.

I know not everyone is a Christian; and I don't know if any "lurkers" read this, or if it's just my own small audience. To non-believers, this may sound crazy. But to me, it sounds like peace. It sounds like a haven in the darkness. It sounds like I'm finally running to my Father instead of trying to find strength within myself that I simply do not have.

This is a Phillips, Craig, and Dean song that my husband introduced me to in high school, when we were best friends. I found such comfort in this song when I was struggling. Today I pulled the music up and focused on the lyrics. I found again the comfort that God gave me so many years ago.

WHEN GOD RAN
Almighty God,
the great I am
Immovable rock, omnipotent, powerful,
awesome Lord
Victorious warrior,
commanding King of Kings
Mighty conqueror,
and the only time
the only time I ever saw Him run
CHORUS:
Was when He ran to me,
He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest,
said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face,
wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said,“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise when God ran

The day I left home I knew I’d broken His heart
And I wondered then if things could ever be the same
Then one night I remembered His love for me
And down that dusty road ahead I could see
It was the only time – it was the only time I ever saw Him run
And then He ran to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest,
said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face,
wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said,“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise
as He brought me to my knees
When God ran – I saw Him run to me

One more comment, although I know this is long.
Last night I watched the Biggest Loser. That show amazes me. I was sitting on my bed, dipping my fresh cherries in my chocolate yogurt, thoroughly enjoying my healthy, decadent evening snack. I was laughing with these people, crying with them. I get so INTO the show. These are real people, accomplishing things they only dreamed of. One thing that Jillian said absolutely bowled me over; she said
"In order to truly be successful in weight loss, you have to first tackle the other inner demons".
I saw that through Michelle's struggle with her mother on the show, and through many of the other contestants. I started thinking about how hard it is to focus on me, on improving my feeling of self-worth and self-confidence when I'm constantly having to battle with my husband. When I've started to develop a little sprout of hope, or confidence, it's immediately dashed. In order for me to be able to be successful in my weight loss, I need to put more effort into that other problem area in my life. I am not going to find what I want inside of me; I will not find it from my other half, either. I must find my worth in Christ. i must find my strength to get healthier in Christ, as well as my strength to be a loving and GODLY wife in Christ. It sounds so simple; yet I feel like I'm preparing for the toughest battle of my life. But I'm putting on my armor, and stepping up.

Another Fun Sick Day

The doctor had diagnosed me with strep throat. What does that mean? Yet another day off of work! I'm not feeling SICK, just coughy-sore throaty. But I am advised that I am HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS. Thus, today is my second day lounging around home. And I have tomorrow off too :)
Husband is picking up my antibiotics as I type this (along with some Taco Bell for himself). I'm on a weight loss high, and managed to scrape together the strength to tell him "No, I don't want a taco. I'll have one of their special Fresco fruit drinks, but that's it". That's right, I've hit a new number! Scale this morning? 215. That was my goal for Thanksgiving, and it took a bit longer to get here, but I'm here! I have yesterday's self-control to thank for it.

breakfast: 2 Kashi waffles with natural PB+honey
morning snack: 2 dried apricots and a handful of walnuts
lunch: sampler platter with kashi crackers, laughing cow cheese, turkey pepperoni, yogurt, cherries, green beans, hummus
afternoon snack: carrots and hummus
dinner: 1 whole wheat english muffin topped with laughing cow, 2 slices deli ham, and 1 fried egg. Also had a heaping bowl of steamed carrots and cabbage

I also sipped 3 cups of green tea, and lots of water. I feel good today. I want to see 214 by the end of the week.

Reality check: China is less than 2.5 months away. There is SO MUCH TO DO! I will be setting up a blog for family and friends while we are away. I think I will put the link on here, so that I can still be followed. I'm pretty sure I was told that Blogspot is banned in China (so is Facebook, Myspace, and many other popular sites). I'm assured, however, that my JourneyEast blog will be fully functional. Look forward to watching our adventures, hearing our stories, and hopefully watching me shrink in pictures!

Playing Hookie

Or is it hooky? I never did know that...

This weekend was full of ups and downs. Friday, Husband came to pick me up at Barnes and Noble after he got off of work. I had had a good night reading magazines and cookbooks, and his parents had shown up to do some shopping (in case you didn't know, the Barnes and Noble Cafe is one awesome place.. for losers like us *wink*). He came with news that he was going to the bar with people from work and I could come, or I could stay home and he would go. This put me in a predicament; do I go, when I know it's just going to be a bunch of people getting drunk, or do I stay home and pray that he isn't one of the ones driving home? This whole "change" he is going through is very hard for me. I don't know where my place is, and its so hard to see him now around other people. He never used to swear, he used to be sweet, polite... now he drops F-bombs everywhere and bad-talks the guys he works with, tries to get me to act in ways I don't feel confortable acting. It's hard. Do I avoid it, or do I be there for him and show that I'm trying to be a part of this new "life" of his?
I made my choice; I went. His friends were drunk before we even got there. It was a few hours of drunk people milling around, and watching vampire-looking girls rubbing up on guys that were pinned up against walls. The club was so loud you couldn't hold conversations, and there was nowhere to sit, so we kind of all split up anyway. The only person we really talked to was a girl he works with that I'm already jealous of. He talks about her nonstop, and knows all of her relationship woes with her boyfriend, which only makes me think she must also know ours. We went home at about 1:30. I don't understand why that is fun. And I definitely wonder what would have happened had he gone without me. But I tried to keep that to myself, because I'm trying to foster peace here, not open more cans o'worms.
Saturday we finished our Christmas shopping; we spend a couple hours at the mall, braving the crowds and the toy store. We went to see Bolt, the new animated movie about a superhero dog. This was Husband's choice; it was cute, and funny, but not as wonderful as chick flicks always are.
Sunday I got up and went to church. That's right, I actually did it. My mother-in-law picked me up, and we went to a new church together. It was okay, but not what I'm looking for. It was very similar to the church that I left. It was nice to go again, though. I missed the music and the feeling of fellowship that being gathered with other believers gives me. We decided that we'll keep looking, but won't be looking together anymore. Husband mentioned to me that morning that he feels uncomfortable about going with the two of us, so I want to make it so that if he wants to go, he can without feeling that way. Also, the two of us (mom and I) are looking for something very different, and I don't think our searches are very compatible. But it was nice!
Husband and I then did more shopping: Target, and grocery shopping, along with yet another movie. It was nice, we came home, and watched some Star Trek and Funniest Home Videos. All in all, a busy weekend; and somewhat heartbreaking.

I thought things were getting better; Husband was smiling more, we were doing things together, he was kissing me a bit more, holding my hand. He's been more talkative. I really thought we were getting somewhere; and he shared that nothing has changed. He isn't in love with me, and he can't stand me. He has a hard time not getting angry when I talk, no matter what I say. When he likes something, and shares it with me, he automatically stops liking that thing (he can't explain this). He doesn't want to touch me, but does it so that he doesn't have to deal with explaining why he won't. He has to force himself to ask me how my day was, or how I'm feeling (I've been sick). Basically, he can't stand me... still. Maybe even more so. My heart is just shattering, and I don't know how to handle this. I don't know if it's salvagable. He says he should never have married me, and that he isn't sure why we're still together, except that he doesn't want to deal with the backlash of splitting up. I don't know what to do. Obviously, I'm not happy. How could a person be happy in this situation? I'm trying to put my faith in God; but that doesn't make this hard situation disapear. Should I fight this? I hated my parents for divorcing. I always said that any marriage can be saved. I was NEVER going to divorce. But can I really face a possibly loveless marriage for the rest of my life? Being married to a man who cringes when we make contact, who grimaces in the morning when I say "good morning?". Knowing that he would be happier without me?
I'm going to keep trying, because I don't know what else to do. I can't imagine life without him; we've been married for 4 years, and I was still a child when we married. I don't know how to be an adult without him, or to picture my future without him. I can't imagine sharing a life with someone else, or being alone. I want his babies; I want to be 40-somethings together. I want to grow old together; but I want us to be happy.

Anyway, there's my relationship vent (sometimes I just need that). Diet wise? I was a terrible person this weekend.

Friday: Oatmeal, chocolate cupcake, grilled club and soup from Barnes and Noble, cheesecake, Wendy's snack wrap and fries, 2 long islands.
Saturday: oatmeal, bourbon chicken with veggies at the mall, large Georgia Mud Fudge Blizzard from DQ, large popcorn at movies, large pop. Taco bell (1 crunchwrap, 1 taco).
Sunday: Carnation Instant Breakfast, chips, queso, and large burrito from Moe's Grill, 1 dove candybar, half a package of cinnamon-roasted almonds (those Chrismassy ones from the mall), then a sampler platter for dinner (laughing cow cheese, triscuits, carrots, green beans, hummus, cherries, turkey pepperoni).

The damage done? -1 pound. That's right, I'm 216. LIGHTER than when the weekend started. This is seriously damaging to my worldview. EVERY TIME I eat junk, I lose weight. When I diet all week long, Nothing happens. I know it's probably all that hard work kicking in later, but it sure makes me wanna binge!

216 is my lowest, but I've been here before a couple weeks ago. I am gonna fight this week to find some new numbers.

I am Superwoman.

I feel good about the day already.
This morning, I did my daily tinkle and then hopped onto my scale in the buff. This makes you get the most “accurate” reading (meaning the lowest, of COURSE. *smile*)
Anyway, yesterday I was 217. Today, the scale did it’s thinking thing…the zero danced to and fro on the digital screen for what always seems like an eternity, and then stopped. My jaw dropped. Weight loss? I think not.
222 lbs. I’m embarrassed to say that my eyes immediately welled with tears. I did SO good yesterday! I started running through my menu –
Breakfast – oatmeal, cup coffee w/1 packet splenda
Morning snack – 1 small piece chocolate toffee from one of our suppliers. It was amazing.. but small.
Lunch: 1 boiled egg, 10 kashi crackers, 1 serving Healthy Choice deli ham, yogurt, and a laughing cow cheese.
Snack: a small bowl of mandarin orange segments, shared by a coworker who couldn’t eat them all. 1 mug of chamomile tea.
Dinner: turkey burger with whole wheat English muffin as bun, 1 slice cheese, pickles. Mixed veggies (snap peas, edamame, black beans, carrots)
Evening snack: medium sized bowl cherries and grapes. 1 mug of blueberry tea with a little sugar and nonfat milk.

There. Total calories for the day? About 1700. HOW, then, did I gain 5 lbs?

I decided the scale lied. So I sat back on the potty, tinkled another .5 ounces, and hopped back on. I magically became 220 lbs. 2 lbs in about 2 minutes; the fastest weight loss yet! I brushed my teeth and flossed. Hopped back on. 218.5. Better….
I then ironed my work shirt, packed up my oatmeal, and put on some makeup. Hopped back on – 217.5. I felt victorious. I weighed myself 3 more times after that, all with the same number. So I can only assume that I gained .5 lbs.. which I can see. Most of my food was processed, not much fresh stuff. The frozen burger and pickles had a lot of sodium; and I skipped my usual green tea in favor of some other hot beverages.

Even though I’m up .5 lbs, I feel like I’ve already shed 4.5 pounds today… which makes me feel like superwoman! And like a woman who should get a nicer scale. What a mean trick.

Feeling Like Crap is Absolute Heaven

And so it continues… yet another day at 217. It does amaze me, though, that I’m maintaining weight, when I’ve been such a lazy bum about my diet! Yesterday I had my oatmeal for breakfast… started off well… but then we had the office holiday party.

Those things are DANGEROUS. It was a luncheon, and I had meself a bit o’everything.
1 piece chicken breast
3 red potatoes (the smaller ones)
Mixed veggies (I was a good girl, I actually got more of this than anything else!)
Whole grain roll
Salad (with bacon bits and ranch dressing… basically the worst thing I could have done to that poor little salad)

It was alright… just alright. You know how bulk catered food can be. But THEN… we each had 3 hershey kiss truffles at our seats. I haven’t touched CHOCOLATE in quite some time. I’ve tried to fake myself out with sugar-free hot cocoa and chocolate mousse Yoplait yogurt, but they are pitiful attempts at matching the utter amazingness of chocolate. Within seconds, they were gone. Best Friend of mine offered me one of hers, and I told her I could not have it. She said I could save it for later… I said I could not save it for later.

Dessert was a beautiful tower of cheesecake. Rasberry, plain, or turtle. They were in these itty-bitty squares.. and most people took one of each! I took one turtle square, patted myself on the back, and returned to my seat with my glass of punch and one square. I savored it while the President gave out months worth of up front parking and free PTO time to the lucky names drawn from a hat. Good times were had by all; and so were holiday bonuses. I am happy to report that China will now be completely paid for by the end of December – THANK YOU WORKPLACE!

A bit later in the day I caved and got another cheesecake square out of the fridge. I went home, changed, and had Husband drop me off at the mall with visions of mall walking and a big sensational salad dancing in my head. Instead, I immediately bought some Christmas gifts.. heavy ones. I got a couple books, and found a GREAT DEAL at Victoria’s Secret… buy 7 scented products (any lotion, body spray, perfume, body butter, or shower gel) for $35!! And on top of that, once I got to the checkout counter, they told me it was buy 7, get 1 free!! So I got 8 for $35.00! AND I got a heavy load. I went to JC Penny and got a necklace for Grandma, and some socks for Grandpa. I hit Yankee Candle Company for Mom-in-Law and bought 4 candles and a holder. Pretty soon, I was feeling loaded down, juggling a long wool coat, a purse, and 4 bags. I decided it was dinner time, and somehow ended up sitting in a booth with a plate of white rice, deep-fried-fat-filled orange chicken, and General Tsao Chicken. I completely bypassed Sensational Salad. I thoroughly enjoyed the first half of my completely veggie-less meal, but continued to eat. I ate almost the whole thing, and I’ll bet it was enough food for 3 sensible meals. I haven’t stuffed myself that way in well over a month (Thanksgiving included!) and I don’t want to do it again. I got up to do some more shopping and walking, but soon got some serious cramps in my side. I was having more visions; this time of this week’s episode of the Biggest Loser, where they had to strap on weights equivalent to the weight they’ve lost, and run/walk around a long track with them on. I was mentally adding up what the candles, body products, books, and socks weighed, and figured it was about right. I made my own little challenge!

Walking was out. It hurt. I decided the next best, somewhat active thing would be trying things on. At least its moving, twisting, bending. So I hit up the fancy dresses at Penny’s and tried on dress after dress, just for fun. I tried on a slinky little Britney Spears number, a classy champagne-drinker dress, a grandma blazer/skirt suit, and some in-betweeners. It was so much fun, and I was actually amazed at the some of the things I liked once they were ON. They were things I would never pick up if I’d actually been shopping to buy. Best part of it all? My dress size is 14. Yes, I’m in 18 pants (which in itself is exciting, because I was in lingo between 20-22 a few months ago).. but my torso is a lot smaller than my hips/thighs/booty. As long as the dress wasn’t fitted at the bottom, I was golden. There was a classy black spaghetti strap dress that made me feel AMAZING. It had a nude-colored panel down the front, ruching at the bodice, and draping fabric all around… It was just past knee length. With my calf-length black boots, and new bob haircut, I looked like quite the fashionista!

Today I’m not feeling so well.. probably the LB of deep fried chicken swimming in sauce from yesterday. My system is rejecting it… and getting it out pretty quickly. I have a pounding headache. I LOVE THIS! I can actually see what that crap does to my body. Its like poison. Once I tore down my tolerance by keeping away from it awhile, my body got used to being treated the way it is supposed to. So even though I feel BLEH, I’m ecstatic that I feel like crap!

Center of the Universe

The world does not revolve around me.

I bet to most people, that is common sense; but seriously, I feel like I’ve had one of those life-changing epiphanies that only people in sappy movies experience. The world does NOT REVOLVE AROUND ME. I have always felt that I got the short end of the stick; nay, the SHORTEST end of the SHORTEST STICK EVER. No matter what story or experience someone had, mine was worse. No matter what good things happened to someone, better things have happened to me. I always feel the need to one-up other people, because I am more interesting, more well-rounded, and just darn FUNNER to listen to.

But that is absolutely not true; and it’s absolutely freeing to feel this way. I can feel for someone, empathize with them, without having to have a bigger and better story. Yeah, I’ve been through some pretty crappy times; but not as crappy as others. Yes, my marriage is struggling; but it hasn’t ended. Yes, my faith is rocky right now; but I’m still able to cling to God. Yes, I had a “hard-knock life” growing up… but I was never physically abused, never raped, I never went to bed hungry for lack of available food, or went to school with holes in my shoes. We didn’t have much money, I had some scary experiences, I am a “child of a broken home”; but I’m one of thousands. And I can be strong, and be an encouragement to others. I can use my experiences to grow and to encourage, not to tear down or out-do someone. I can use my life specifically for good; not for pity or attention.

I found a website yesterday that lists volunteer opportunities in your city. I’ve never volunteered much; a few times in high school, and helped out with church stuff, but not in my community. I’m not looking to start now, because I’m moving to China in less than three months; but looking forward, I want to get involved. One specific opportunity tugged at me; just reading the description made tears run down my cheeks (and my cubicle neighbors stared a bit…).

Helping someone write their life story. They are looking for volunteers to work with hospice patients to put together a full book; pictures, experiences, the works. It said that we would interview them and basically sit and listen to everything; war stories, love stories, heartbreak, happiness, history… and that is something that has always been dear to my heart. My grandparents have shared many stories with me of life many decades ago, and of their childhood. I am amazed by the wisdom that comes from age. I would love to be involved in this when I return.

What is Faith?

Faith –

Why do we have faith? Why are Christians Christians? I’ve been mulling over this question ever since my husband declared that he is no longer a believer. He is a very smart man, and VERY logical. I’ve always known that if you try to prove God through logic, you’ll fail. But now, I’m struggling to find my footing in my own faith.

Don’t get me wrong, my faith is still strong; but it bothers me that I can’t defend it the way I should be able to. It is a very weak argument. I don’t have a clue how to effectively support my faith:

Why do you believe?
Because I believe.

What makes you so sure God exists?
Because I feel it. I see it in nature, in the way that God works through people.

But deep down, why are Christians Christians? Is it because it makes you feel good? Because we have this human need to have something MORE to live for, and “glorifying God” is a great purpose? You can’t KNOW that God is real, you only BELIEVE it. And it feels nice to feel that, so you keep doing it.
That’s not all…

What makes you so sure God exists?
Because I DO feel it… and I see it in nature, and in the way that God works through people.


But couldn’t that be a crazy coincidence? Aren’t there times when you can quite CLEARLY see that God is NOT protecting or caring for you or others? People who get raped, who starve to death, who get murdered for their faith? People like me who struggle with faith, and end up abandoning it? What kind of a “loving” God is fine with sending people to hell?
Well… God doesn’t always give us what WE think we need, but what he KNOWS we need. And bad things do happen, but faith means believing that God has a bigger plan, and that I have to have faith in the fact that he will protect his children and work his will through us.

But he doesn’t.
Well…

Which is he? Loving, or just?
Both.

But never at the same time. And anyway, would a Just OR loving God create the human race, give them the ability to fall, and then punish them for eternity for doing what he gave them the option of doing? Doesn’t that sound like kind of a sick game? Just so that when people DO manage to crawl over to him and beg, he can feel good about himself and be saviour?
That sounds terrible…

Then how would you explain it? Because it appears that God only loves those who love him.
Well, there is that whole “elect” thing…

Oh, right. That some of us are God’s “elect” and those are the people who will be with him in heaven. The rest are never going to have the option; we’re damned to hell without even a chance, because God hasn’t chosen us.
Well, that’s not exactly how it works, and I’m not even sure if I believe in that…

Then how does it work? And if you don’t believe in that, then what do you believe in?

WHAT DO I BELIEVE IN?

Winter Wonderland

Another winter storm is headed my way; darn that lake effect snow!!

No, really, I love it. But my place of employment lets people call in and use PTO if we wake up in the morning and the area schools are closed... EXCEPT for those, "within a safe distance". I don't know what this means. They won't specify. But they DO know that my home is approximately 1 mile from the office, and a straight shot - pull out of complex, drive down the road, turn onto office's road. And I think I'd have a hard time explaining that that was absolutely not possible. So I'm betting I won't get my "sleep in and have hot chocolate" snow day tomorrow that I'm fantasizing about.

How sad is that... my fantasies are of snow days. But seriously; how is it fair that those should end when you get out of school?

On the diet front... I have been a slacker. Big time. I've turned my focus to my marriage, and dropped the ball on that "other" thing. This weekend I had QDoba grill, popcorn, ice cream, cake, chips and cheese, 2 alcoholic drinks (calories!!!), plus lots of cheese, crackers, and cheese and crackers.. and cheese and crackers.. and I'm still 218.5 lbs... didn't really gain, which is a miracle, but definitely didn't lose!

I am starting my week *mostly* well.

today's plan:
breakfast: oatmeal (I added canned pumpkin, spices, and half a banana)
lunch: broccoli and rice frozen meal (250 calories.. not too fabulous, but easy)
dinner: turkey burger on whole wheat english muffin, steamed veggies
snacks: boiled egg, yogurt, 1 serving kashi crackers (and a snafu this morning.. I had half a bagel with cream cheese at the office. And now I feel sour.)

I need some fresh produce in the house, but we're scraping for the last bit of money for China, and can't afford more groceries this week. I'm just going to have to be inbentibe, I guess!

QUEEN of Yahtzee

Today, I’m a new woman.

I had an absolutely fantastic time with my mother-in-law last night. We cried, we laughed, and Yahtzee was played.

There is just something about that wonderful woman that makes me open up, share my biggest fears, and yet… feel better afterwards. I was afraid that once she got me going, I’d share things that would make her upset at Husband. I was afraid I’d end up trash talking him without even thinking about it; but it wasn’t like that at all. I felt more like I was spilling all of MY failures and insecurities; admitting where I went wrong, and my struggle to find the right way to “right” things again. She listened, shared, wept, and supported me. She loves her son very much; and I know she loves me a great deal as well.

We ended up getting Chinese. I didn’t do fantabulous on the diet like I’d hoped. We went to a buffet (hello, DANGER! Deep fried EVERYTHING!). I had 1 crab Rangoon, half an eggroll, and about 5 pieces of fried chicken pieces. Besides that, I picked good, veggie-filled dishes. For desert I had jello, a dollop of chocolate pudding, and some fruit. But then the M&M’s were busted out during game time. I ate about 3 handfuls of those… quickly!

I must say, I’m a Yahtzee WHIZ. I beat her 3 out of 5 rounds; and boy, was I slamming that fact home. Following that, I then walloped her in a game of SKIP-BO. I swear, I’m a grandma in a young woman’s body; I could play games all day long.

Along those lines, I noticed something a couple months ago; last year I was shopping for bedding. I ended up buying a lamp for our bedroom, and a new quilt/pillow sham/bedskirt set. It was light yellow, white, and blue. SO pretty and quaint! Then, I painted our bedroom a very light, powdery yellow. I LOVED that bedroom (we’ve since moved, so we don’t have the pretty paint job).

I went to my grandma’s cottage this summer, and brought our bags into the guest bedroom, and dropped them (along with my jaw). The guest bedroom was just as it’s been my entire life; light, powdery yellow paint, light yellow, white, and blue bedding set, cute little black metal lamp. That’s right, I recreated that room almost exactly without realizing it. My husband could not STOP laughing, because my whole family already teases me for being so much like my Grandma. They call me Little Margie. After that, my Husband didn’t like our bedroom so much. I have no idea how I could POSSIBLY have done that without realizing it! I guess it just brought back happy feelings when I saw the bedding *smile*

Today is a long one – 9 hour workday, then I’ve got tons of cleaning and laundry to do. One of the first things I’m going to work on with Husband is being a better wife in the “wifely” sense. When I started working full time +, I started slacking on the household chores. The dishes don’t get done right away, he has to ask for his laundry to get done (yes, he is CAPABLE of doing his own, but he always manages to end up with a pink shirt of a toddler-sized sweater if he does). He may get annoyed when I buy him gifts or make his favorite dinner, but he can’t get annoyed when I’m just doing what I should have been doing all along!

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

No, I'm not getting a divorce; I am officially dumping my selfish self.

I wallow. Too much. There are too many wonderful, amazing things in this world for me to waste time and life energy on sulking. Yes, of course I'm still going to hurt; very much so. But wallowing has NEVER made me actually feel HAPPIER. Ever. So I'm making the decision to be positive; to see the good things in life. To embrace the parts of my husband that I love. To see the beauty in the world around me.

Tonight I have a hot date with my mother-in-law. She is honestly the sweetest woman in the entire world. I love her to death. She is just in pieces over her son's issues right now; I'm hoping that rather than wallowing together, we'll find strength in each other and be able to build each other up. I'm going to be honest with her, but respect Husband's privacy and reputation. I will tell her only what she needs to know. I will not share anything that would hurt him.

And I will eat Chinese food.

I'm a bit worried about that; today I'm back down to 217.5... still 1.5 lbs over the lowest number, but I'm getting there. Despite my own lack of self control. In the past 2 days I've eaten pumpkin pie, TONS of mashed potatoes and gravy, 3 sugar free puddings, lots of crackers and cheese, lots of stuffing. And by no work of my own, a miracle has caused me to still lose weight. I don't want to take that for granted!

Today's menu:

Breakfast: whole wheat english muffin with serving of sliced ham and laughing cow, made into a SAMMICH. And yogurt.
lunch: leftover saurkraut/bacon/potato pie. Wierd, I know. But Husband's favorite.
Dinner: Chinese. Hopefully, veggie-filled with light sauce.
Snacks: A little leftover oatmeal from yesterday, an apple. Maybe a couple munchies at Mom's.

Right before my "female" time I tend to drop weight. I think that's what's happening now; I don't want to waste it and only lose regained pounds, so we'll see if I can make the most of it!

Simple Beauty

Damage done over the holiday weekend: 219 lbs. Now I have to re-lose those 3 lbs. Not undoable, but annoying!

Snow… it has a way of making my mood instantly lift. We had our first real snow last night. There are several inches on the ground, and the trees are bending under the weight of the fluffy stuff! I absolutely adore snow. I hate the cold, but would much rather deal with that than live somewhere where we didn’t get any. Living in Michigan means that we get all of the lake effect snow as well. Looking out the windows in the break room makes me smile; something I haven’t been doing very much of lately. The snow is brand new, so it isn’t brown and slushy on the roads yet; the trees aren’t dripping yet, and the snow isn’t melting yet. There aren’t foot prints all over, or mounds of nasty dirty snow around the sides of the parking lot. The tree by my “usual” break table had a bright red cardinal perched on it this morning; one splash of beautiful color in the middle of a white landscape. It may sound cheesy, but I think it was God’s way of giving me some comfort this morning. I’m going to make an effort to find more of those small moments to enjoy. They are out there; sometimes we just get so overwhelmed with the big things that we block out all the other stuff.

DD

Didn’t weigh myself today… I figured it would just be depressing, and if I wait a few days, and then I break even, it’ll be better. If that’s what happens! *wink*

Yesterday I did better than Thanksgivings past; but still not great.

Had lunch with all the fixins at Grandma’s – turkey, potatoes, carrots, Brussels sprouts, stuffing, green bean casserole… but I abstained from the roll (fat lot of good that probably did me). I also had 1 light beer. I then went to Grandma # 2 for DINNER, where I had more turkey, potatoes, and dressing; along with a piece of chocolate pie. Planned on going home.. but then the brother in law called. All the cousins were going to a movie at 9:00 pm. That meant probably we’d be out around 11:00. Not fun when I had to get up at 5:00, but I figured it’d be alright.

The movie was 3 hours. And seriously, there were 4 endings. Complete plot resolution, then a whole new storyline would start. Do NOT go see Australia. I thought I’d be great; I was wrong.

When we got out, at midnight, everyone said they were going to IHOP. Husband looked at me with puppy dog eyes. Brother-in-law and sister-in-law to be did the same. I caved, and we went. Husband and I shared a breakfast sandwich (egg, ham, cheese) and some onion rings. I had half of everything.

I got home and in bed at 3:00am, decided to go into work an hour late, and got up at 6:00am. Yeah, like 3 hours is REALLY a lot better than 2. So I got here, pumped 3 cups of coffee, a WW English muffin, and yogurt into me. Now I’m STARVING!!!

Today will be long; but I’m looking forward to a FANTASTIC nap. My sister has talked us into going to a bar with her tonight, since all of my cousins are in town. So I’ll be up late yet again, probably being a designated driver, because I’m the only one that can imagine having a good time at the bar without drinking. Imagine that…

Happy Thanksgiving!

Just a short note – I’m up again, 218.5. Yesterday I was 219. Frustrating, because I’ve been eating well the past two days! The only time I cheated was yesterday with about 3 bites of cherry pie. And I don’t really even consider that CHEATING. Cheating was this weekend, with movie theater popcorn and M&Ms. But that made me LOSE weight. *sigh* This is a bit confusing.

Anyway, have a wonderful Thanksgiving; we have our normal hectic holiday. 2 grandparents homes tomorrow, visit a third set of grandparents Friday, and go to my mom’s for dinner on Sunday. Not exactly relaxing, but I enjoy time with our families, so it’ll be nice.

Weekend Loss

I think I'm the only person on earth that does the large majority of their weight loss on the weekends... isn't that supposed to be the time you GAIN?

216.5 today. I had a long weekend, but I don't feel like going into it. The only thing I will say is that once again, my loss was not due to exercise or healthy eating, but LACK of eating. Today I have a better plan, though.

Breakfast: oatmeal
lunch: yogurt, blueberries, 1 serving Kashi crackers with laughing cow cheese
Dinner: potato/saurkraut pie (husband's favorite)
snacks: Apple, orange

I have 1.5 lbs to go to get to the "Thanksgiving" goal that I set for myself. Not unattainable, but definitely hard, considering I have a hard time losing during the week. I have housework to do tonight, but plan on walking at the mall most of the evening tomorrow. I need to get out of the house; but the snow is COMIN' DOWN! Maybe I'll go dance in the snow tonight...

Sensational Salad!!

219.5 – down a half pound. And I even had a slice of pizza last night!

Made major progress with the Husband yesterday – we talked and laughed without bickering once, and he even gave me a hug. Sounds basic, but for us, a big step in the right direction.

Yesterday I didn’t want to be cooped up inside all day; things are feeling Christmasy, and I wanted to bask in it (plus, I needed some new gloves)! Once again, I went to the mall for the evening… I wandered, tried things on, and enjoyed Christmas music and twinkling lights. I got a “winter set” with a soft new scarf, gloves, and a hat on sale for $15! (65% off… go me!).

Diet went well, except for the pizza. I had the usual oatmeal for breakfast, a bowl of zucchini soup for lunch, cottage cheese and applesauce, walnuts… and then MAGIC happened. A new restaurant opened in the food court; Sensational Salads. This place just opened yesterday, and boy, were they aiming to please! I ordered a cup of soup and ½ salad for $6.99. The “1/2” salad was HUGE. I got a heaping pile of greens, and my pick of 4 different veggies. My picks? Carrots, green peppers, cucumbers… and more cucumbers J I had my pick of 15 DIFFERENT DRESSINGS! I was a good girl and asked for a very small bit of raspberry vinaigrette, and it was perfect. My soup was cheese and spinach. That was not so great; it had clumps of flour in it, and it tasted… old. So I didn’t really eat more than ¼ of it (which is probably good, because I bet there was a LOT of bad stuff in that small cup of soup!)

I then faced my biggest temptation so far in my diet. I wanted cheese fries from Great Steak SOO bad. I was still hungry, and I knew that I would need to eat something else before the end of the night. I decided to walk for awhile instead, and wandered for another hour, window shopping. Finally, at about 7:45, I couldn’t take it anymore. With my current book in hand (Twilight… yes, I’ve fallen victim to that hideously popular book.. but it’s really interesting so far!), I made my way back to the food court… and BACK to Sensational Salads. Dun dun dun….

I got a bigger-than-life fruit bowl with watermelon, honeydew, cantaloupe, kiwi, grapes, and a strawberry. It took a very long time to eat, because I was reading it and savoring the sweetness of the melon. Afterwards, I was STILL hungry, but didn’t feel the need to get anything else.

On the way home, I caved. My husband wanted a “Hot N’Ready” pizza from Little Caesars. I had ONE piece, and the smallest one at that. It was soo yummy, but I know that I’d have felt icky if I had eaten more. He didn’t have a problem – Mr. Fit-as-a-whistle Husband ate the rest of the pizza, along with ½ 2-liter of Mountain Dew. Then, with more caffeine in his system than I think I’VE had in years, we went to sleep; and slept like rocks.

"Giving"

Two days in a row at 220 lbs. I’ve been eating better the past two days, and as a result, I gained back a lb L

Yesterday:

Breakfast: Oatmeal
Snack: handful of walnuts
Lunch: broccoli cheese soup
Snack: cottage cheese and applesauce
Dinner: black bean burger in a WW wrap with 1 egg, spinach, pickles (yes, I’m weird) peas and leftover brussels sprouts

I also had 2 cups of green tea, and a blueberry tea with a little honey before bed.

Our office has “free jeans days”. These come along when they are trying to raise money for SOMETHING. So no, they usually aren’t free – they should be called “bonus” jeans days instead. We wear jeans every Friday, but this Thursday was free because we’re trying to collect food for a nearby homeless shelter. If we bring a donation, we get to wear jeans. I came walzing in in my jeans, overflowing grocery bag in hand. Yesterday. I went all morning thinking it was Thursday, until someone mentioned that I’d get in trouble if I didn’t change! So I had to call Husband to bring office attire; and I took my food back until today. The worst part? I had to live through an unexpected Wednesday.

I have a problem with food drives that use competition as a way to spur on giving. Of course I DO think that it caused us to get more food than we would have otherwise, but not quality items. I guess I don’t have problems with the competition; I have problems with the competitors. This happened numerous times in high school, too – we end up with 10 flats of Aldi green beans and 30 cases of ramen noodles. Now, granted, this is better than NOTHING, but still, these people are looking for nutrition, variety, toiletries, etc. It should be about providing a good meal to someone, not the cheapest one we can find! Then people start saying “Ramens each count as one!”. Fine, until someone yells “Then each roll in that 24 roll toilet paper pack should count as one!” And then the more expensive items stop rolling in.

Luckily, I don’t give a hamsters bum – I have a mom that works in specialty foods, and pawns off high priced food all the time. I have been giving $7.99 soups, deluxe meat rubs, high quality pasta, etc. People are really impressed with my “generosity”… however I’ve been attempting to explain that it was all FREE, and I am a very simple person; I can’t imagine whipping up a batch of soup that costs $7.99 for two bowls. But I can imagine giving it to someone who needs it!

Optimism

219 again. I ate a little better yesterday, but not much. I just didn’t want to cook.

Breakfast – cottage cheese and applesauce
Lunch – a few carrots and lima beans, yogurt
Dinner – some ribs my mom brought over, along with some Brussels sprouts
Snack – 2 oreos from the break room

I know I need to eat better, because I am punishing my body. My weight loss will stall and my metabolism will slow down; it’s just hard, because I don’t want to cook, and shop, and clean veggies, and make oatmeal – I want to lie in bed all day and cry. We’re still planning on going to China; I am really hoping that we are able to go in March. I feel like I’ve lost all hope in “us”, and I know that he has; but for me, marriage is not an option. And unhappy marriage is also not an option. I want to improve myself, and our relationship. I want us to love each other wholeheartedly again, and find joy in being together. I want there not to be rifts and gaps between us. But the trust? That’s a hard one. That’s a very hard one. And what do you do when your partner has simply become indifferent towards you? Not flinching when they deliver heart wrenching news, not blinking when you are sobbing, not touching you at all when all you need is to be held; it’s like his heart is gone. The sweet man I fell in love with has been replaced by this unfeeling THING that shows no emotions, no compassion. It’s hard to want to be in love with that man; and how do I go about getting that man to fall back into love with me? Is it hopeless? *sigh*

I have better diet plans today, hopefully. I still didn’t get up and make my oatmeal; but I have cottage cheese and applesauce for breakfast, along with a vitamin and a banana. I brought a lean cuisine and some carrots along for lunch. I plan on having an afternoon snack of leftover Brussels sprouts, along with some walnuts. Dinner will be something substantial; maybe some baked chicken and veggies, and a sweet potato. I owe it to my body and to myself to keep up on my quest for better health. I can’t give up simply because I’m sad.

One thing that made me crack a smile yesterday? I fit into a pair of my old size 18 jeans. That means I am VERY close to being able to shop at New York & Company again for pants – they often go up to an 18, but seem to run a little smaller than most. I am losing a lot of it in my belly, which is making all of my pants more comfortable. I can sit down without having my waistband cut into me. I really do think that the healthier and fitter I get, the happier I will be. And the happier and more confident I am, the more desirable I will become to Husband. Optimism, here I come.

My Heart Is Breaking.

Over the weekend I lost weight; but not in a healthy way. I had a looong weekend, and couldn’t bring myself to post anything. The Husband gave me some news that has absolutely shattered my life. I’m not ready to share, because I can’t bring myself to say it. I think eventually it will help to post it here, but not yet. I don’t have any friends or family I can turn to for comfort in this situation; but I can turn to God.

Because I didn’t eat much this weekend, I’m 219 lbs today. For once, I’m not happy with my weight loss. Or with anything. It’s like I was swallowed up by this terrible black hole. He won’t even look at me; every time someone has said so much as a “hello” this morning to me, I tear up and have to escape. And I don’t really see an end in sight. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t focus. It took everything in me to drag myself out of bed this morning and get showered and dressed, then get in the car and ride in silence with him until we got to the office, where he dropped me off. I’m trying to meditate on two things. The first:

Psalm 23
A psalm of David.
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, [a] I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

The second:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,When sorrows like sea billows roll;Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Refrain
It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,Let this blest assurance control,That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
Refrain
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!My sin, not in part but the whole,Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
Refrain
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:If Jordan above me shall roll,No pang shall be mine, for in death as in lifeThou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
Refrain
But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,The sky, not the grave, is our goal;Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!
Refrain
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,Even so, it is well with my soul.

Wedding Toast

221.5! Finally, a new number! I did awesome diet wise yesterday, so I was really encouraged to actually see it reflected on my scale today. I had a hard evening, lots of worrying and crying over my grandpa. Worry is my biggest weakness. If there was one thing I could change about myself, it would be that. I worry over everything. “Will we be able to pay rent? Will I get Crohns, like my mother? Will my grandparents pass away while I’m on the other side of the world”? And then there are the smaller worries, like “What if I don’t get this report done in time? Are we going to have time for laundry on Saturday? What if the mall closes, and Matthew isn’t out of work yet? Will security kick me out in the rain? Do I look fat to these people? Are people staring at me?” Seriously, it is all-consuming. I know that I need to simply put my faith in God, but it isn’t exactly “simple”. So that is a non-weight-loss goal I have. Put my faith in God and worry less. There are multiple Bible verses that, in a nutshell, say that same thing; but believing and putting into action are very different.

Anyway, here’s what yesterday looked like:

Breakfast: Oatmeal
Lunch – wrap (turkey, laughing cow, hummus, a little red bean mixture from my beans and rice, and spinach), apple
Snack – carrots and PB
Dinner – a lean cuisine dinner, plus Brussels sprouts
Evening snack – handful of walnuts, diet hot cocoa

Today I got to the office at 6:00 am so that I can leave early to get to the hospital. Today’s memory is in honor of my grandpa.

Memory – My wedding. At the reception, people were making toasts. My grandpa gave one of the most moving toasts; I don’t remember all of the wording, but it was basically this:
“To a man and woman who are two of the best souls in the world. Matthew, you are lucky to have Amy. She has the kindest heart you will ever meet. My Amanda,” (that’s my full name) “you have always hung back and waited for grandpa. When we’re all walking somewhere, you’ll walk with me. Even when you were a small child, you made my heart burst.” (That sentence is word for word! And then the heartbreaker - ) “My hope is that you will always love Matthew as much as you have loved me”.

Grandpa's in the Hospital!

My grandpa (the one I talked about 2 posts ago) is in the hospital. I just got a call from my daddy... please pray! He went in for leg pain initially. He has diabetes and has had surgery on both legs to try to keep them. They aren't sure what's wrong, but when they put him in the MRI machine, he had a major panic attack. After a heart attack and 2 strokes, that is no good! Of course, my grandma and dad try to shield me from scary or sad things, so they didn't tell me that he's been there since tuesday! The nurses missed some of his heart medications yesterday and tuesday and his blood pressure spiked yesterday. Dad said the doctors weren't sure he was going to make it. Today he's doing better, but very emotional. The Husband is at work, so I can't go up there; but I plan on going up tomorrow as soon as I get out of work.

*sigh* I'm Grandpa's little girl. I don't know what I will do when we lose him. Or what my Grandmother will do. Please pray!

Winter Wonderland

Salt and pickles are my enemies; that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

Yesterday I didn’t feel like sitting around the apartment all day. I decided to make it a “mall” evening. At 4:30, Husband dropped me off on his way to work. I was getting hungry, since I hadn’t had any dinner yet, but didn’t want a full meal yet. I went to Starbucks and got a banana/chocolate Vivanno. These are AMAZING! It has banana, a little chocolate sauce, ice, protein powder, and some other “I-don’t-know-what-elses”. They are suggested for the Weight Watchers diet according to my mother in law. I’m not on WW, but I figured it couldn’t be all bad then! I had that and started walking. I wandered for about 3 more hours, trying on clothes and smelling yummy lotions. At 7:30, I got a 6 inch Subway Club sandwich from Subway. It’s on the diet menu *wink* I added carrots, green peppers, spinach, and (eek!) pickles and salt. That is all I ate all night! I wandered for another hour, and then Husband picked me up. This morning, I weighed the same as yesterday morning. I was really hoping for a little loss; it was only about 1500 calorieds for the day, and I walked several laps around the whole mall. I’m of the belief that I’m “retaining water”. I guess we’ll have to see!

Yesterday’s menu:

Breakfast - oatmeal
Morning snack – ½ apple
Lunch – cup broccoli cheese soup
Afternoon snack – ½ apple, yogurt
Dinner – subway sub
Snack – Vivanno

Good memory of the day?

Trying on wedding dresses with my mom. I felt like an absolute princess, and everything seemed to fit perfectly; and when I found that perfect dress? PRICELESS. My dress was an absolute dream come true. It was a two-parter. The bottom part was a strapless dress with beading around the bodice and the bottom. Then, there was a lace over-garment that was long sleeved, and buttoned with pearls up the front. It was the same length as the dress. It was full of embroidery, beading, and all sorts of other perfect things. I had a January wedding, and we decorated with Christmas trees, white lights, and silver and blue bows. It was the perfect winter wedding, and my dress fit the feel of it to a T!

Shame

Have you ever been ashamed of being seen with someone in public? This is something that has weighed heavy on my heart the past few months. I’ve joined the wonderful world of “Facebook”, and found many old friends and acquaintances recently that I haven’t spoken to in quite some time. A couple of the girls I’ve found are girls I was best friends with in middle school. I wasn’t very popular in elementary school, but I thought I could change that in 6th grade. What ended up happening, though, is that I ended up one of many in a group of “losers” (yes, harsh, but that’s what the rest of my class considered us). While I found a few very good friends, we were all the outcasts; I was a cutter; when I was upset, I would cut or scratch my arms. It didn’t make sense; it still doesn’t. But I did it, and because of it, I always wore long sleeves. It didn’t matter what time of year; I was the girl with long sleeves. I didn’t have cool clothes, and was really chubby. Some of my friends had pretty poor hygiene; others were just not stylish, and awkward around people. We made a weird little gang, but we worked. I think every one of us was embarrassed to be friends with the rest in the group; but all of us knew that loser friends were better than having no friends at all. As I progressed through school, I cut less, and started getting thinner. I started learning the “cool” ways to dress. I started to distance myself from most of my friends as I made friends with those who were “a tier” up the social ladder from them. My two very best friends aided me in this; one, Kristin, has been my best friend since we could walk. She is quiet, but studious and friendly, and everyone liked her. The other, Helen, started out low because she immigrated to the US from Romania when she was a child and was really shy and “different” in elementary school, As she became more Americanized, she started getting involved in art and sports, and became my “in” with the cool kids. By high school, I was one of those “middle-of-the-road” people. I wasn’t friends at all with those other friends, besides Kristin and Helen. I completely dropped them, and they all split into different groups; the studious group, the gothic group, the emo group, etc.

I was looking through old pictures yesterday and found pictures from my 7th grade birthday party. Me and all my awkward friends had a sleepover; we have picture after picture of us laughing, smiling, and having a good time. It tears me apart inside that I was such a cold person. What is it about human nature that makes us indifferent towards other people’s feelings sometimes? That makes us so concerned about what others think of us, that we’re willing to throw friendships away for appearances? I found some of those friends, and we’ve started to share how our lives have changed, who has babies, who graduated college, who’s working where, who’s married. But we haven’t talked about the elephant in the room; about how our friendships were based on a simple desire to have friends, and that any of us would have traded each other in given the chance, for a “shiny new friend”.

Yesterday’s menu:

Breakfast: oatmeal with ½ banana, natural PB, flax meal, wheat germ, and some honey
Lunch: Bear Creek Broccoli Cheese soup with some real broccoli mixed in that I steamed at home
Afternoon snack: yogurt and an apple
Dinner: rice and beans. Red kidney beans, onion, garlic, celery, spices… all simmered for about 3 hours until creamy, then ladled over a little white rice (should have been brown, but we were out).
Snack: Yes, I caved again. Cheese. But just a little wedge! Plus 2 slices deli ham and 1 WW tortilla instead of chips. Still shouldn’ta done it, but at the time, my cravings got the best of me. My mindset was “there’s only this little bit of cheese left; I’ll just finish it, so it’ll be out of the kitchen”.

222.5 lbs. This is so frustrating! I WILL be 221 by Friday. I don’t want to not have any weight loss this week! I know I need to exercise – that will jump start my numbers; but I’m just so lazy. And it’s cold, and it’s been rainy for a few days straight. I did some push-ups and situps yesterday, maybe today I’ll see if there’s space enough anywhere in my apartment to do one of my workout videos. I doubt there’s room. I can improvise, though!

Oh, time for a GOOD memory:

Being at the lake the summer after 11th grade. I went to visit my grandparents, who stay in a mobile home on a small lake every summer. I went up in short cut-off shorts and a spaghetti-strap tank top. I went in, and my grandma’s jaw just about dropped (and not because I was wearing so little clothes). My grandma came up to me, pinched my butt, and patted my hips. She told me that I looked just like she always wanted to look when she was a teenager. She didn’t specifically state that I looked thin, or that I looked pretty, just that I was “exactly how she would have liked to look”. How awesome of a complement is that? Someone had DREAMED of looking like me! And most of all, it was My Grandma T! She is the most amazing woman I have ever met. She’s kind, witty, and hard-working. She is a wonderful wife. She cooks like a pro, and her home is always spotless. She raised 4 children while working at a bank, and still managed to make time to sew, quilt, knit, cook, clean, and host gathering after gathering. My grandfather’s health has been ailing for years, and she LIVES for that man. She brings him to monthly check-ups, and to his UAW union meetings. She cooks exactly what he needs for his diabetic diet, and takes care of every need or want he ever has; and he adores her. My mom says I remind her a lot of my grandma T (who is my paternal grandmother). To me, that is the best compliment I could ever get; even better than the one my grandma gave!

Trek 2000

223 lbs. I am so annoyed with myself for my weekend splurges; if I hadn’t, maybe I’d be 221 now! But anyway, ½ lb down from yesterday.
Yesterday was a good diet day.

Breakfast: Oatmeal with ½ banana and some natural PB
Morning snack: apple
Lunch: Lean Cuisine (Butternut squash ravioli with veggies)
Afternoon snack: carrots, green beans, and hummus
Dinner: omelette with 1 leftover turkey sausage, chopped, spinach, and a laughing cow. ½ grapefruit, some lima beans
I meant to eat an evening snack, but got busy and forgot. I was a little low in my calories yesterday, which isn’t a good thing!

I’ve found myself thinking nonstop about China lately. My husband and I are still planning on going; I think getting away from the stress of work/school here in the states will do our relationship some good. He’s a free soul; he loves traveling, and is his happiest when he has a trip to look forward to or look back on. I think it will help me too; I’m such a worrier, and a planner. The culture in China is completely different from here, and I’ll be put in situations where I can’t plan, and where I have to learn that improvising is okay.

Our money is due by December 20th. We’re still not sure whether we’ll have it on time or not; only time will tell! We have family members that have pledged money, in lieu of “Christmas gifts”, but it’s hard to plan when you don’t know how much to expect. I’ll just have to keep praying, and if we don’t get it in time, then we’ll bump plans to September, and we’ll just have to be patient!

Memory of the day: Trek 2000. In high school, our youth group went on a hiking trip in the little Smokies. I was an entering freshman. There was quite a mix in our group, with equal girls and guys. We packed up and drove to Ohio for a week, where we were outfitted with packs, tents, food, stoves, etc. The trip was 40 miles. We busted our butts and pushed ourselves farther than I ever thought we could. Every night, we would find camp and pitch our tents, then sit around a fire and cook dinner. We were absolutely exhausted each day. We would either sit around and sing praise songs, or just collapse into our sleeping bags at the end of the night. I felt STRETCHED. I felt like I was seeing what my body could really do. Sure, they weren’t the Porcupine Mountains, or the Rockies, but we had some decent sized climbs, and some pretty tough terrain for beginners. It wasn’t about looking good. After day 1, we didn’t get a shower. After day 3, my hair was permanently in a long braid with a handkerchief wrapped around it. I wore the same 2 shirts, 1 pair of shorts, and 1 pair of pants all week. No makeup – no jewelry. I felt no need to “impress the boys”. I was honestly completely focused on seeing what the potential God had given me physically, and seeing what God could teach me through the trip.

We stopped at a ridge overlooking some of the mountains, and took a lunch break. I remember perching my pack right at the edge, taking out my apple and energy bar, and just singing quietly while looking at the mountains. There is something about nature that connects me to God in a way that nothing else can. There were no phone lines, no buildings. No trash on the path, no construction sounds echoing. Only birds, wind in the trees, and a soft voice praising God. I felt good about myself. I felt good about what God was DOING in me. I felt strong, capable, and willing to push myself. And I did.

Guys and Dolls

Sometimes I just wish there were a magic pill we could all take instead of food. All our nutrition, everything we need to feel perfectly fulfilled; not too full, not too hungry. Of course it would HAVE to magically satiate our desire for chewing, flavor, and chocolate melting in our mouths. Eating stinks. We struggle with it, try to eat well, try to eat the right amount; but when it’s a weakness, we can’t run from it. We can’t just quit doing it, or we’ll die. Sometimes I wish God had made eating much less enjoyable. I want all food to just taste “fine.” Good enough that I’d be willing to eat enough of it to be well-nourished, but not anything to get excited about, or look forward to.

What am I leading up to? I’m back up 1.5 pounds from Friday. I didn’t do great this weekend; I had some McDonalds, had a sugar cookie and chocolate marshmallow pinwheel, had popcorn at the movies (although I didn’t add butter) and had LOTS of crackers and cheese. Crackers and cheese are my downfall. I’ve been slowly whittling down a block of 5 year old extra-sharp white cheddar cheese I got in Frankenmuth several weeks ago. Well, the whittling sped up this weekend. I’m fine when I cut my portion off, and count out my 7 triscuits or 11 big wheat thins – but when I sit in front of the TV with the whole box of crackers and the block of cheese, I’m in trouble! I didn’t do all bad this weekend, though; one night I had a blackbean burger for dinner with a nice salad and some baby lima beans. Another night I made us some yummy omelets with 1 egg +2 whites each, with spinach and a little feta. We also had English muffins (I only had half of one) and some turkey sausage links (I only had 2). But all in all, I can see why I gained, and I need to be more focused on losing.

Memory of the day: Guys and Dolls. This is the musical my school did for my senior year. I had been in the musicals all 3 previous years, but never got main part, because I was too shy to audition. Senior year, I jumped out on a limb; I was in good shape, I looked like a leading lady. Not to chubby, not too thin (sounds shallow, but chubby girls simply did not get leads in my school!). I auditioned and the new director looked bored to death. When I got home, I received a call from the restaurant I had just interviewed at; I got a waitressing job 4 nights a week. I needed a job really badly, because I was planning on attending a private Christian college the following fall, and really needed money. I eagerly accepted. The next day, I went to the drama director’s office to let him know I wouldn’t be in the musical that year, since rehearsals were 3 nights a week, and I’d be working. When I told him, his eyes widened, and he sputtered out words I will never forget –

“But you were going to be Sarah Brown!”

It took only about 2 seconds for me to burst into tears. I hadn’t started my job yet, and a million thoughts were flying through my head. Should I quit? I just got the LEAD in my school musical, something I had always dreamed of! After about 30 good seconds of sobbing and waving off his feeble attempts to calm me down, I muttered that I simply couldn’t do it, and I ran out of the room into the girl’s bathroom, where I bawled for almost an hour (and skipped my AP Psych class).

Why is this a GOOD memory? Well, I suppose it’s mixed. I have always regretting not quitting that job and taking the spot in the musical. I could have found another job; but the experience would have been a memory that would last forever. I made my choice, though, and I felt responsible. It felt good to know that I was GOOD enough. All those years, I saw the other girls as soo much more talented, and prettier than me. That year, at least I knew that my talent had been enough. I will never forget that moment when Mr. Director Man muttered those words. I’ve replayed it in my mind, in different situations. I’ve pictured myself caving and taking the role. I’ve pictured myself waiting, and seeing my name posted on the cast list. But they are just dreams.

I ended up going to see the musical when they were finished; my friends had bit parts in it. I watched Molly playing Sarah Brown, and teared up in a few spots when I pictured myself up there on the stage; but she did well, and I had money in my pockets for school. Waitressing brought me out of my shy shell, and taught me DIFFERENT life lessons.