New Reasons I am Excited to be Going to China

(RING RING)
1. HELLO, YOU HAVE ONE A $10000 DOLLAR HOME MAKEOVER! WOULD YOU LIKE US TO SEND US THE INFO?
-sorry, I'm going to China.
2. AMY, WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN HEADING UP "TEAM SPIRIT" AT WORK?
-Sorry, I'll be in China.
3. THIS IS SARAH, WITH YOUR LOCAL PRESS. WE'RE RUNNING A GREAT DEAL ON-
-sorry ma'am, but I'm moving to China. I'm not going to buy anything.
4. WOULD YOU LIKE TO RENEW YOUR LEASE? YOUR RENT WILL ONLY GO UP 500%.
-No thanks, I'm movin to China.
5. THIS SUMMER, WE SHOULD SOOO HANG OUT AAAALLLL THE TIME
-um.. (said to an annoying acquaintance) sorry, I'm GOING TO CHINA.

TGIT

Tuesday = my favorite day of the work week.

I’ve explained in the past my love for The Biggest Loser. That is a major reason that Tuesdays are the BEST. But also, it’s great simply because it’s NOT MONDAY. Mondays are hard. My weekends have been… not so enjoyable lately. Also, at work, my late day is Mondays. So I have to be at the office until 5:00 (something I HATE!) taking patient phone calls. The worst job in the entire office. Tuesdays, I don’t. Today, I’m leaving at 2:30! Wednesdays are hump day. It’s just blech. Thursdays feel like they SHOULD be FRIDAYS. Fridays move at a snail pace. So basically, Tuesdays are the BEST.

I’m making my Tuesday even better today by washing my sheets and making a yummy, healthy dinner. I LOVE freshly washed sheets. And when I was thinking of how to make my night better, I thought “I want to sleep on the fresh sheets TONIGHT!” Sheets fresh out of the dryer are an unparalleled pleasure. Not from the linen closet; sheets that still smell like fresh detergent and dryer sheets. Sheets pulled so tight that there isn’t a single wrinkle. High thread count. Comfy. Sheets.

Also, I’m making a meal out of Bok Choy. I’m planning on cutting up some Bok Choy, frying some bacon, and cooking them with a little garlic and red pepper. Then I’m going to have an scrambled egg or two with it. And maybe a piece of wheat toast. MMMMM…..

Things that may deter my happiness today?
A month before I leave, my office announces “restructuring”.. meaning my favorite supervisor is no longer my supervisor. And my least favorite now IS.
I have to do work for my online TEFL course tonight. A lot of work. And it’s hard to concentrate on Tuesdays. Because they are so NICE.

I’ll just have to deal with those downers, and turn my frown upside down! (I HATE when people say that!). The bright side? I’m only here for another 3 weeks. And the class IS teaching me valuable info about teaching English.

The World's Longest To-Do List

Have you ever had one of those moments where you are absolutely convinced that your brain is going to explode?

I am currently dealing with one. I was freaking out last night about everything that had to be done by the time we leave for China on 2/20. Husband asked that I make a list of everything. Today, I decided to do that.

It is three pages long.

And the only frivolous thing on the list is “Eat lots of cheese”.

Yes, I’m feeling extremely overwhelmed with life right now. There is so much to do, and SO LITTLE TIME!! The person that came up with that phrase knew what they were talking about. It would help if I didn’t feel I was doing this alone. I hope Husband will help with this list, now that it’s made.

Speaking of Husband… I just don’t know what to do. I am beginning to think he is depressed. He cries all the time; he’s extremely pessimistic lately, and he’s been having mini panic attacks (which he never had before). I’m torn. We can’t get our $5000 back for our trip. If we don’t go, he’s filing for divorce immediately. I don’t want this trip to do damage to him emotionally or physically. I truly think this will be a good thing for us. Some people don’t agree with me; I know that. But they aren’t us; they don’t know what I do.

Husband is unique. He never wanted to settle down in a house with a wife, a family, and a “steady” job. He’s adventurous. He loves traveling. Nothing makes him happier than sitting down for a night with a group of entire strangers, and laughing and getting to know each other. He doesn’t care about possessions, or “things”. He used to love me; used to want to have kids, even though he didn’t want to raise them in the traditional sense, necessarily. He’s insanely intelligent. He lacks when it comes to “common sense” things; tax paperwork, bills, mechanical stuff, etc). He just doesn’t care about those things; his mind is on life. Learning new things. He adores studying people groups; learning about tribes in Africa, the Inuit in Canada. He just thirsts for KNOWLEDGE.

And I knew these things when I married him; but I needed to fit into the traditional mold. I tried to steer us in the direction of conventionalism. Not necessarily because I wanted it, but because it’s just what you DO when you get married. He started school, I got a full time job. He worked and studied; we saved, bought nice furniture, acquired “things”. In my quest to fit in to this model of a good household, I completely lost the reasons I married him. Suddenly, his endearing qualities irritated me, because it didn’t fit. He tried so hard, for so long. And he’s given up. I’m changing; really, I am. I am seeing these qualities again; and realizing that I can’t live to please other people. We can’t have kids just because our parents want grandchildren. We can’t work at jobs we don’t enjoy, just so we can buy a house or a nice car. We can’t spend our lives working for something we don’t even want. What do I want more than anything? To go to China. To force myself out of this retarded box I’ve locked myself into. To see him flower into that man he used to be, before I stripped the beauty away. I want to see his passion again when he hears a beautiful song; when he sees a crane flying through the air. When he laughs one of those deep belly laughs because of something a new friend has just said.

There is a new movie coming out, with Jamie Fox and Robert Downey Jr. I’ve seen the previews. Fox plays a man with schizophrenia. He was an AMAZING violinist who studied at Julliard; but once his disease started to take over (disease? Disorder? I’m not always politically correct) he moved to the streets. The movie looks so touching. Downey Jr. becomes genuine friends with this man. At one point, he says something along the lines of “I’ve never seen ANYONE love anything the way he loves music”. And that’s exactly how I feel about Husband; only there are so many things I could put in there. The way he loves music; the way he loves animals; the way he loves nature; the way he loves language… etc. He has this passion no one else in the entire world has. It is so frustrating; and so amazing at the same time.

He has lost all hope. I’ve pushed too far; he doesn’t even see the possibility that I can change. He doesn’t believe my love for him; or my desire to be different. And I half don’t blame him. But I sure wish he just WOULD believe it; because it would make this so much easier.

He could stay, see a psychologist, talk through his issues; but he’s still locked in the monotony of a life he doesn’t want to lead. I truly believe that the ultimate answer to it all is to place him in his element. Take away the pressure of college, of work, and everything else. He can learn a new language, make new friends, study new people, eat new food, see new things. And if I am as strong as I want to be, as I NEED to be, I can start chipping away at his bitterness and doubt. I can start growing as a person, and finding out what it is that I REALLY want; not what I think others want for me. I can be a loving, sweet woman; one that will be there for him and accept him for who he is, without trying to change him.

Seriously, this is a big thing. There are people who think we shouldn’t go. No one knows, of course, that we’re at the point we’re at. But they don’t think we should leave our jobs, our lives here. It seems frivolous, and dangerous. But we need that. When we got married, we were children. We never had a chance to BE frivolous together, or to chase a little excitement. Now we do.

Friends

Friends. I forgot how important they are.

You know what? I didn’t have any for a couple years. After I started dating Husband, and we got married, I buried myself in our relationship. Pushed away the people I loved, I just consumed myself with my marriage and our “future”. This did three VERY damaging things.

1. Pushed my husband away. If you have no friends, and live only for one other person, you become clingy. You don’t have your own interests; and the mystery is gone. If you’re always together, you run out of things to talk about; you’ve experienced it all together, and don’t have anything to share. I lost my identity. I used to be outgoing, funny, INVOLVED. I used to play sports, do drama, go out with friends, bowl, write, sing, laugh… and they made me a more interesting person.
2. They took away my support system. I had a great group of friends who loved me very much; as I pushed them away, I obviously lost that. Sometimes a girl just needs to talk to her girlfriends. There were many times that I wanted that, but had no one to turn to.
3. I hurt my friends. By pushing them away, I severed friendships that meant a lot to several people. I inflicted pain on people I loved.

So now what? I’ve been working on this. I work with my best friend from childhood. We were really distanced for a few years, but things are getting better. I know that I am no longer her best friend; when I fell in love, she had another friend who was there for her and stepped into the role I gave up. I’m so happy for her; but I value our friendship, and I’m happy that we’re getting closer. I have other friends that I’ve been meeting for coffee, and dinners, etc. One of my very best friends and I just had coffee last night. It’s amazing; we’ve changed so much since high school. She’s got a bachelors degree, and is waiting to hear if she has been accepted to an ivy league school this fall. She’s been in and out of three serious relationships; and is currently recovering from a hard, bitter breakup. Sitting across the table from her, I felt comfortable. I feel that many of my co-worker friends don’t really know ME. And that’s my fault. I don’t know who I am right now. But this friend, she’s heard my dirt. She’s held me when I’ve sobbed. She’s hopped on a train with me at age 16 and discovered the wonder of Chicago for a whole weekend. She’s supported me in decisions that no one else has. She’s brought out the adventurous side of me. And even though I’m leaving for the other side of the world, and she’ll probably be living on the other side of the country when I return, we know that we’ll still be there for each other. There was a gap where we didn’t talk for about two years; and when we did finally see each other again, it all fell back into place. Looking into her eyes as we were talking about life, and how hard it is, and how it’s nothing that we expected, I felt… REAL.

Understand the importance of good friends. Yes, the blog world is a great place to find support, understanding, etc., but there is no substitute for a good friend.

Today is my fourth wedding anniversary. We haven’t decided what to do this evening. It is a very bittersweet day. But as I left this morning, I kissed my sleeping husband’s shoulder and decided that today, I am going to celebrate.

People Know I'm Fat.

Exhaustion! That seems to be a normal thing for me now. Today I got to the office at 6:00 am. I’ll be here until 5:00, at which time a friend is dropping me off at the bookstore/café to do homework for 3 hours. Another friend is meeting me at 8:30 for coffee. I expect to be home about 10:00. Should I be doing this? I don’t know. But I’m only here for another month. I have a ton of homework to do, and people to see before I leave for a year. And I need the overtime for money. So I’m just gonna try to tough it out. On top of the busy schedule, Husband is on a muscle relaxant and anti-inflammatory for his soreness from the accident, and he is snoring like a freight train. This is unusual; he’s normally quiet as a mouse. So Amy is sleepy, chubby, and grumpy.

Yesterday, after working 9 hours, my mother picked me up and brought me to the hospital to visit my Florida grandparents, and my aunt (who was there for a hip replacement). We were there for quite some time. By the time we went to the cafeteria to eat dinner (and build a fabulous salad!) The cafeteria was CLOSED. So, my grandparents decided the next best thing was TACO BELL.

So much for a great tasting salad. I ended up with a hard taco, and a Bacon Cheese Gordita Crunch. And diet pepsi. Oh well, yesterday my breakfast and lunch were pretty low calorie; I’m not going to beat myself up too much, because 1. I didn’t gain any weight overnight, and 2. I am feeling pretty darn good about myself.

Why? Because Grandma noticed my weight loss. I only see them once or twice a year, since they (like so many “snowbirds” here in Michigan do) have moved to Florida. They now stay year-round. I saw them about four months ago, when we drove down for my cousin’s wedding. I was at my heaviest, about 239 lbs.
Let me tell you something about these grandparents; I love them very much. VERY much! But, for some reason, though, I always feel the need to impress them; more so than my other set of grandparents. I think it’s almost like we feel here in Michigan that we’re competing with our family members in Florida. Not on purpose; its just a feeling. Anyway, I was scared to death to go to Florida. Most of my family there hadn’t seen me since my wedding, and at that point, I was almost 90 lbs lighter. I was so quiet and embarrassed the whole time. I just felt their eyes on me; wondering what happened, what I’m eating… HOW it happened. I felt the need to continually mention “Yeah, now that I sit in an office all day instead of waitressing and stocking, it’s hard to have the energy to stay active!”. I also ate very little, hoping they would think “it must not be her fault!”
Last night, at a rare moment where it was just Grandma and I, she quietly said “You’re losing weight, aren’t you? I can see it! Especially in your face, and when you stand up”.
I think I grinned like a total idiot. She asked how much I’d lost, and that was the embarrassing part; I’ve lost 23 lbs, and I’m still “obese”. I told her how much, and she smiled and told me great job. It felt wonderful/horrible at the same time. Wonderful because it’s actually visible, and horrible because I still feel so fat.

I wonder whether there was a precise moment that people started thinking of me as fat. I was thinking about this today. A friend of mine made cookies for a coworker’s birthday. I emailed her, telling her “Were you a baker in another life? These are DIVINE”.

She emailed back, stating “Well, I didn’t get this fat because I’m a bad baker, that’s for sure!”
My response? “Well, I’m a terrible baker, and I didn’t have any trouble”.
Her response? “Hee hee”.

Period. Now, I felt a moment of annoyance towards my friend. This was a moment where she did not deny I was fat. Five years ago, if that conversation were to have gone on, the friend would have said “Oh, brother. You are NOT fat”. And I would have smiled and not quite believed her, but felt good that she said it. Now, people know I’m fat. They aren’t going to deny it, or say “Oh, come on, you’re average”, Or “I would LOVE to be your size, quit your whining!”. It’s just a given; I’m fat. People know I’m fat. And I know it; I can’t be mad that OTHER people know it. But, anyhow, it was still one of those light bulb moments.

A Lifetime in China

Habits are changing.

I’ve been trying to make small changes in the way I act, eat, and move. I’m not making big changes. Heck, I’m not making big ENOUGH changes. But I can see changes nonetheless.

I realized this more than ever last night at Subway. My mom and I stopped there before she dropped me off at home (since I am now carless, she is giving me rides home from work sometimes). We used to order the same exact thing:
Footlong white bread with –
-ham
-bacon
-Provolone cheese (plus extra cheese)
-lettuce
-salt and pepper
That’s it. Veggie? I suppose even the iceberg lettuce doesn’t count. I ate this for YEARS. My mom, at 107 pounds, can eat this and be fine. She eats the WHOLE THING! That little featherweight! With her Crohn’s disease, she is really picky about what she eats. Somehow, she can live off of eggs and bacon and be fine; give her an apple or some green beans, and she’s sick for days.
I ordered after her last night, and didn’t even think about what I ordered until later. I got a 6 inch sub on whole wheat bread. Turkey, spinach, pepper jack (if I’m gonna eat cheese, I better taste it!), green peppers, cucumber, black pepper.
I know, not too many veggies; but this is light years better than what I used to have. And it was delicious!
Another thing that made me think this morning? My breakfast. I have oatmeal – a piping hot bowl of wheat germ, rolled oats, flax seed, banana, peanut butter, and butterscotch. It is absolute heaven. I was so excited all morning, and I could hardly WAIT to dig into this special treat. 6 months ago, I’d be eating a huge bowl of Reese’s Crunch, with a candy bar on the side.
Our cupboards are getting bare. Today, I made do with what I could find (seeing as not only do we not have MONEY, but now we don’t have transportation!).
Breakfast: I used the last of my frozen banana for the oatmeal. Luckily, I think I have enough oats to last me a month; I bought a huge container, and I’ve got lots of PB and butterscotch!!
Lunch: Whole wheat pita with peanut butter and laughing cow cheese (yeah, kinda weird… it sounded good last night when I made it!), yogurt cup
Snacks: Fruit leather, homemade mix (cheerios, walnuts, semi-sweet choc chips)
Dinner: I’m going to eat dinner at the hospital with my grandparents, who are visiting my aunt, who is having a hip replacement. Follow that? I am hoping for a great salad bar. One of the blogs I faithfully read, http://www.katheats.com/, showed a seriously amazing looking salad last night. That woman makes everything look delicious. Anyway, I’ve got a hankering for a huge salad.

I was told today to make preparations to leave for China on 2/20/09 – he is 95% sure all systems are go. Why can’t it be one HUNDRED!!! But here we go… packing, moving, studying, saying goodbyes. All complicated by the fact that we have no car. What did people do before cars? Buggies? Horse drawn carriages?

I was talking to an elderly woman who taught English in China for over fifty years (along with missionary work). She is an acquaintance of a coworker of mine. She is now over 80, and living back here in the States. She explained that at the age of 20, single and alone, she packed her few belongings, said goodbye, and hopped on a freighter bound for Shanghai. Her sea voyage took three months. She entered traveled to a small town, and was the only white person her town had ever seen; and it stayed that way for almost a decade. She learned the language, and taught in the school. She worked alongside farmers and shop workers. She shared the word of God, and found her way into the hearts of the people around her. She absolutely fell in love with the people of China; so much so that she did not return to the US for a visit until almost twenty years later.

Talk about amazing. This woman is a fish out of water. She lives in a home with weekly bingo nights, movie nights, and weekly church services. She says she longs for her favorite foods, music, and smells. She misses the melody of the Chinese language; the smiles she received as she walked down the main road. She misses the mountains. She is homesick. It is both encouraging and heartbreaking to talk with her. She has so many fond memories of her life in China. When she speaks about it, her eyes glisten and her mouth curls into the most subtle smile. She tells of her “sisters”, still living the same life in China they always have, and the pets she raised. Of her small home, with one burner, a squat toilet, and sketchy insects that creep their way inside in the spring. She has witnessed the changes that China has gone through in the past fifty years; she watched her roads get paved, apartment buildings built, and tourists start flocking in. But she never lost her love for her “homeland”. She told me that someday, before she dies, she’d like to go home and see her family. My heart breaks for this woman; I know that she will never go back to China. But her spirits are lifted at the thought of the possibility.

Car Accident

Hubby was in a car accident this morning. He said he's fine; but he doesn't have a cell phone, and we only have 1 car.

He says our car is totalled. His dad is going to help him, since I have no wheelz to do so.

I'm stressing. I've cleaned the entire apartment in record time, because I just needed something to DO.

*sigh* we're leaving in a month. I don't know how we'll get to our jobs, get shopping, packing, etc. done...

I suppose God will provide. But for now, I'm just gonna keep cleaning like a madwoman.

The Scale is Too Nice

I haven’t set foot on the scale in several days. Why, may you ask? Because Amy has been a bad, bad girl. She has eaten cookies galore. Burgers, pizza, chocolate. Bagels and donuts. A subway sub thrown in there, but mostly, crap.

Scale this morning? 216.5. I was expecting at least 220. I was baffled.

I do not want to take this as a sign that I can eat junk and maintain. I take this as a sign that if I can eat junk and maintain, I can eat well and lose well. Seriously, if I can eat like a little piggy, and maintain a 23 lb weight loss, why am I not working to lose more? So many people fight so hard just to maintain! I’d be a fool not to take advantage of this. I am leaving for China in 1 month. I am wearing size 18’s. I do not want to have to pack all my 18s, as well as my size 16 pants. I’d rather use the room for more stuff. I want to be down a size by the time we leave. T

he pickle, however, is food. We have no money. We have cupboards full of stuff we are going to have to toss (half full boxes of instant potatoes, an open package of spaghetti, frozen pizzas, etc). Most of it isn’t the healthiest stuff. But we must eat it, and I don’t think we’re doing major grocery shopping again. Yeah, we can donate unopened stuff; but I’m going to have to get creative. Too bad I don’t have fresh produce!

Breakfast: yogurt, cottage cheese, and a fruit leather
Lunch: leftover soup (Bear Creek cheese and broccoli… but I added lima beans, peas, diced ham, and some corn)
Snack: grapes, walnuts
Dinner: A turkey burger on ½ bun with mixed veggies (Brussels sprouts, lima beans, peas, corn)

I think I’ll have another snack in there too, but I’m not sure what…depending on the number of calories, I might even make a small bowl of oatmeal this evening!

What does it mean to “love yourself?”

What does it mean to “love yourself?”

I’ve been thinking about that today. I have decided that for sure, beyond the shadow of a doubt, I do not love myself. There are many factors that played into my determination of this fact. These are not things that I don’t LIKE about myself… there is a difference. The following is EVIDENCE that I don’t love myself.
My weight/body. I do not treat it the way I should. I continue to sabotage my own health, knowing that it is not going to truly make me happy.
I’ve ruined my marriage. Yes, it goes both ways. But largely, it’s my fault. And I do NOT love myself for that. I don’t love myself because I’ve done so much damage, I’m not sure it can be fixed.
I don’t have friends. Yes, there are a few. But I’ve pushed most of them away.
My home. I am a mess. I used to be organized, clean, efficient. Now, I step over clothes and try to figure out when the last time was that I did dishes. I allow myself (and my husband) to live in bad conditions.
I don’t love God the way I should. If I really loved myself, I would be putting the effort into my walk with God that I should be; because it should care to me whether or not I am pleasing God.
I am not honest with myself or others. I do not think that I important enough. When people genuinely ask if I need anything, or someone for support, or someone to listen, I tell them I am fine; even though I’m not fine.


Do you love yourself as much as you should? How much is enough? How much is TOO much? I’ve known multitudes of people who did not love themselves as much as they should. One friend of mine has made multiple suicide attempts throughout his life. They have all been half-hearted. Even that shows that he does not love himself. It was a cry for attention, for someone to show that they cared. He doesn’t eat often; he’s wasting away. He is a genius according to tests, but never went to college because he doesn’t think the effort will make him happy in the end anyway. He doesn’t really date, because he doesn’t want to subject a girl to the hard work a relationship with him would be. He lives a lonely, hungry, cold life; and he doesn’t think he deserves more.

Well… as a Christian, I guess I don’t like throwing around phrases like “love yourself” and “deserves more”. I don’t know what a Christian deserves; or a non-Christian. I don’t know how much a sinner should love themselves. But I do know that everything we get is through God’s grace. And that while I myself am not amazing, I should respect and honor my body as a temple of the Lord; and I have worth in Christ. But sometimes, when life creeps up on you, and pain and trials seem to be drowning you, you forget that.

Can someone love themselves TOO much? Do you know someone who has? I was trying to think of someone; but every time a face popped into my head, I realized that they actually seemed to not love themselves ENOUGH. Take the popular kids in school for example. They spend so much money on clothes, events, friends. They run themselves ragged being “involved”. Girls give themselves to boys too soon so that they will be liked. Boys sacrifice many of their feelings for the sake of being “masculine”. Do they really sound like they truly have too much love for themselves? It sounds like insecurity to me. I can’t think of a single person who genuinely loved themself too much.

*Sigh*

It’s been one of those days. I’ve been at work for a long time, and I’ve been crying to my computer screen. My co-workers have caught some tears, but haven’t said anything; it’s just as well. If someone asked if I was okay, I think the whole dam would collapse. Some days are good. And some days it’s just hard to get out of bed in the morning; hard to get dressed, hard to go to work. Hard to imagine that I’ll have to do this again tomorrow. I know where I should be looking for strength; why the jeepers am I not doing it?

I Can't Think of a Witty Title Today.

Life is much more fulfilling when you are living for others instead of just yourself.

That doesn't mean to completely abandon your own wants and desires; but to a certain extent, you need to; especially as a marriage partner, and especially as a Christian (unless your wants and desires are always genuinely to glorify God... but that isn't me, unfortunately).

Anyway.. an addendum to yesterday's post... my good buddy Debby made some pretty good points in her comment! And, as usual, I wasn't as clear as I wish I was. I'm not always so good at putting into words what I'm feeling; so please excuse me. Hopefully y'all get the gist, and see that I'm sorting through things, and working things out, not trying to offend or anything like that.

Today is a good day. Tuesdays are ALWAYS good days. Why?

The Biggest Loser.

That's right; it's only 10:07 AM and I'm already looking forward to it. Yes, I am a loser. Only not the right type.

Update on the life front? Diet - stagnant. Not gaining, not losing. Not trying hard enough.
Marriage - Decent. Not great. But we've been fighting less, and having a bit more good times than we were for awhile. I'm not fooling myself. But I love him; I'm getting interested in his interests. I am hoping he is seeing that this is a genuine change in me. I'm not happy. But I'm getting happier, at least. It just breaks my heart to see him so hurt and confused. Workin' on it, prayin' on it.
China - tentatively leaving 2/20. I have a feeling it will be "tentative" until we LEAVE. It's stressin' me out. Gave "tentative" 30 day notice to my employer. 30 DAYS. I'm getting really excited/scared out of my freaking mind/stressed. It's a dangerous combo.

Tackling a Big Subject.

Good weekend. For the most part. Very busy, though. Normally, I like that; but I’m a bit exhausted.
Friday: Work, then dinner and a movie
Saturday: worked 6 hours. Went to Barnes and Noble and did homework.
Went to in-laws house for dinner and to watch a movie
Went to karaoke bar for my friend’s birthday. Lots of fun, but we were out really late.
Sunday: I didn’t make it to church. I slept through the morning. Went to grandma and grandpa’s for lunch
And to play some Dirty Queens
Husband didn’t feel too good. We rented some movies and crawled into bed, where we stayed for the evening.

Today I’m feeling tired. I woke up this morning and Husband was sweating, and vomiting. I felt terrible leaving him with just a thermometer, blankets, water, and a bucket, but we need the money and I couldn’t call in (my PTO time is pretty much depleted). So now I’m going to spend my day worrying about him.

Scale says 218. It can’t seem to budge (although I have a feeling it’s because I’ve been cheating way too much).

I had something challenge my worldview majorly last week. I’m a Christian. I am a Christian who believes that homosexuality is wrong. I don’t know if people are predisposed to it or not. Some people say that God wouldn’t create a person to want those things. I say that I have no idea what God would do. We are fallen beings; of course it’s natural for us to desire sinful things. That’s what believers fight to overcome their whole lives.

Anyway, I was watching a show where a very conservative Christian was placed in a home for 30 days with two gay men, and their 3 adopted children. The point of the show was to see whether her views would change after actually spending time with them. She believed that it was wrong, and that homosexuals should not legally be able to adopt children.

I’ve gone back and forth on that topic; I’m not sure what I believe. Same with gay marriage. I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman; that is what God intended, in my personal opinion. There is so much biblical support against homosexuality. But do I think that our government should mandate that? I’m not so sure.

Anyway, the woman never changed her opinions. And I found myself siding with the gay couple. They had a beautiful home, and three wonderful children. They filled the role of “mother” and father very well. They were nurturing, loving, and still strong male figures. In the past, I would have said that that wasn’t what mattered; it’s that a child raised in a gay home would be more likely to be gay. Stereotypical, naïve… I know. But anyway, they brought the woman to visit foster homes and orphanages around their state. They interviewed children that grew up in the system. At one heartbreaking moment, she was speaking with a grown man who had left foster care at 18 a few years before. He showed her the run down place he had lived; gunfights and murders had been around him his whole life. He grew up threatened by gangs. He didn’t have a decent school to attend. He asked her “Do you really think that it’s better to put a child in that situation for their entire life, than to live with these two loving men? Is that loving as God would love?”
Wow. Bang. That just really slammed into me pretty hard. These men taught their children to be sensitive, loving little people. They were polite; they were smart. They were loving. They went to bed clothed, fed, and warm every night, knowing that they were loved.
That other boy went to bed every night hungry, scared and alone. Wondering how it was even possible that there was a loving God.

One of the male parents got very angry with this woman; and I can see why. She stated that yes, she thought the children should be raised the way that grown man was. And he said “These are my CHILDREN. To think that you would wish that pain upon them is appalling. God works in people, whether they have gay parents or not. Your responsibility as a Christian is to love as Christ loved. You are not doing your job”.

Anyway, I know people have strong feelings both ways about this subject. But I’ve changed my mind. I am no longer against homosexuals adopting children. Does that mean that I am no longer against gay marriage, either? I’m not sure. Biblically, I think it’s wrong. But I think a lot of things are wrong; and I don’t want those things made illegal. Our government is not in place to force people to adhere to Christian standards and principles.

Kareoke

Today is a good day.
Yesterday I was exhausted. Husband ended up calling into work to take a personal day; he just didn’t want to go, and asked if I wanted to go to a movie. We went to dinner and a movie (Gran Torino was awesome!). We got along well, and I am finding myself more and more fascinated with him. I got into this rut pretty quickly, where I didn’t look at him in that way anymore. I thought I knew him so well; I’m watching him with new eyes. It’s nice. Anyway, the night went pretty good. No miracle; but we had laughs and smiles.

This morning I got up at the crack of dawn (well, actually, about an hour before that) and came in to the office. I have about 3.5 hours of my 6 hour workday left. Then, I have a date with my pillow for a bit. Tonight I have a birthday celebration for a friend from work; karaoke bar, here we come! Husband is coming. He’s never spent time with me and my work friends. I’m hoping he’ll see another side of me; the fun, funny side of me that I haven’t shown as much recently as I should have.

Will Amy sing? No. Please excuse me while I step up onto my soap box.

Here is a conversation I’ve had probably a dozen times in my life:

Friend: Oh, come on Amy, you’ll have fun.
Amy: No I won’t.
Friend: Once you get up there, you’ll loosen up and go with it.
Amy: No I won’t.
Friend: Come on, there’s got to be SOMETHING! I’m gonna pressure you until you get up there and sing; you know that, right?
Amy: *sighs* Seriously, I don’t want to.
Friend: Trust me. Just try.
Amy: I have. No fun.
Friend: Pick one. NOW.
Amy: (flips grumpily through karaoke book and settles on something terrible that she actually knows, like Olivia Newton John). Fine. But it’s not gonna be fun.

Conversation breaks as Amy gets up on stage and grabs the microphone. Gets instructed not to use THAT microphone. Use the next one over. Her heart is thudding. Mouth is dry. Friends are cheering and Amy is about to throw up. The music starts. It sounds different from the original. Amy panics. Starts in too early. Stands still as a statue, sings pretty well, but awkwardly. Halfway through the song, that high note she forgot about comes up. She tries. It flops. Song ends. Amy puts the mic down and goes back to her seat.

Friend: (looking uncomfortable) Was it as bad as you thought it would be?
Amy: Yes. I’m never doing karaoke again.

Cycle continues.

Chug Chug Chug Chug CHOO CHOO!!!

Scale says 217.5. I don’t blame him; he isn’t the one slacking off. But sometimes I do want to smash him against the wall.

Exhaustion… that’s what I’m feeling. I’ve been to work at 6:30 every day this week, meaning I got up at 5:15-5:30 every morning, and worked until 4:00 – 4:30 pm. We have an online course to finish before we leave for China (February 20!) and we just started it last week. It’s usually a 6 month course, and we are fitting it into 1 month. That means Amy doesn’t get nap time. My brain is fried! Last night the hubby planned on going out after work with some friends. Usually, this means that I lay awake until he gets home; I’m not a great sleeper, and in our studio apartment, I’m always on edge thinking “If I fall asleep, I’m gonna have a heart attack when he comes in our front door” (and that never fails to be true). Figuring I didn’t want to spend another night staring at a computer screen, after doing it for 11 hours at work, I went over to my mom’s and hung out with Mom and sister.

Mario Party for Wii was played, Grey’s Anatomy was watched, and Arby’s was consumed.

I was dropped back home at 11:15 pm. Crawled into bed, set the alarm for 5:15, and laid staring at the ceiling until 2:30, when husband came home.

Today is another long day at work. Afterwards, since I didn’t work on my class yesterday, I am going to be dropped off at Barnes and Noble café to do that all night long. Tomorrow (ON A FREAKING SATURDAY!!) I have to be in the office at 6:00am for another 6 hours of overtime. Honestly, I’m dragging. I used to be able to do this all the time. But now, with the stress of relationship woes, lack of sleep, and stress over leaving the country in a month, my brain is on overload.

Maybe I should take up yoga.

A Bitty Bio

Some info about me!!!

1. What is more difficult: looking into someones eyes when telling how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they tell you how they feel?
Definitely the first one.

2. Think of the last time you were angry. Why were you angry?
My husband told me he was going to be home late tomorrow because he’s going to the bar with my sister’s best friend and after work. They work together. I was angry because I’m jealous and I don’t think it’s appropriate.

3. You will die in three minutes. Last call?
To Jesus.

4. If you could do anything OR wish anything, what would it be?
I would wish for my marriage to be happy.

5. You can have one of the following two things: trust or love?
Trust. If I have the someone’s trust, they can begin to love me.

6. You are walking to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss told you if you are late one more time youre fired. Do you save the dog?
Absolutely; and I’d be praying that it’s a good enough excuse to not get fired. I’d probably bring the dog as proof.

7. Would you or have you ever blackmailed someone?
Yes, and I’m not proud of it.

8. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you do it?

No. The person who died was ready to go, and suffering; one more hour of life would just be another hour that he spent pleading with God to take him home.

9. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
No. I’m going through a personal breakthrough right now, and this is one of the biggest things I’m focusing on.

10. Does sex=love?
No, unfortunately.

11. Are you old fashioned?
Quite a bit so.

12. Would you marry someone if they were unable to have sex?
If I was in love, and felt led, of course.

13. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
The second. I am very quick to tell someone when I love them.

14. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up?
The love of my life.

15. Romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
Last night.

16. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you have "no regrets" what would you change?
I would have worked not to lose myself these past few years. I would have been honest with myself earlier.

17. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?
My husband.

18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
I don’t know – they say not to give CPR if you aren’t trained. I’m not sure if I would for ANYONE. But whether they’re homeless or not wouldn’t be the determining factor.

19. You are holding onto your grandmother's dying hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other which one would it be?
My grandma – otherwise she would kill me if I let the baby go.

20. When and how was the last time you told someone how you REALLY feel?
Yesterday.

If You had three months to live:
21. Do you tell anyone or everyone you are going to die?
Yes, I tell a few close family members and friends.

22. What do you do with your remaining days?
Praying, spending time with loved ones, maybe writing my story.

23. Would you be afraid?
Absolutely.

24. How old are you?
23 years old – 24 in less than a month.

25. Any pets, past or present?
Well, here we go… Don’t say I didn’t warn you…
Scratch – my first love. I had him from age 1 yr – 18 yrs. He was black and white, fluffy, and the biggest cat you’ve ever seen. He slept with me every night. Towards the end, he was thin and frail. My mom’s alcoholic boyfriend ran over him in the driveway. My mom and I sat on the pavement holding him as he screamed; finally we found a number for an animal ER (it was Sunday) and put him down.
Keisha – A rottweiler my mom took home when she found her at a camp site. She ended up being pregnant, had 12 babies. We kept one. They were half rott, mixed with St. Bernard/blue tick hound (most likely).
Luther - the puppy we kept, grew to be 130 lbs. We sold Keisha when she became too aggressive. We gave Luther to family when he got too big, since they had a huge yard in the country. Their home burned to the ground in the middle of the night. Luther woke them up and watched to make sure all 3 kids and cousin and her husband were out safely. He passed out from the smoke and died in the fire. My huge lovable hero.
Smokey and Sheeba: Two kittens my mom brought home from a farm. Brother and sister; so young we had to bottle feed them and wipe their little bottoms for them. Smokey learned to sleep in the toilet bowl if we accidentally left the seat up. Sheeba was the sweetest girl ever. When I got married, I took both of them; but Husband’s allergies got too bad and mom wouldn’t take them back. We gave them to a friend.
Cartman – My sister’s crazy cat. He’s white, and weighs 30 lbs. He is unable to relax unless he’s laying on a plastic bag. He likes to watch the geese from the porch, and eats lots of cheese.
Baloo: Dog after Luther. We only kept him for a year. Mom adopted him from the humane society, but he didn’t get along with the cats. He started peeing and pooing on the furniture. He was adorable, but terrible on a leash, mean to the kitties, and inconsiderate. He went back to the humane society *frown*
Small animals: I love small animals. I’ve had mice, hamsters, a bunny, and a guinea pig.
Yes, my home was a farm. My mom had too big of a heart.

The Biggest Loser is my Homeboy.

The Biggest Loser. Do you love it, or hate it?

I am in the “Absolutely adore the show” boat. I am so excited that another season has started. It’s so encouraging to see these people, and their struggles, and know that they are capable of doing this. Yes, of course they have world class trainers, nutritionists, great doctors watching their every move, all day every day to devote to losing weight… but still, it’s impressive and encouraging.

What do I love most about the show? Seeing myself in the contestants. Seeing a girl crying and throwing a whiny fit, and knowing that she is acting the way I just might act. Seeing their faces beet red; their stretch marks out for the world to see; their IMPERFECTIONS. It is so rare to see that nowadays. You start to think that you’re a freak for being the way you are; but then there they are, people like you. People with body flaws, weakness, low self esteem. And the best part is seeing them change. They get stronger. They get thinner. They get fitter. They get more confident; yes, their appearance is more attractive because they are approaching healthy weights; but it’s also because they are happy. They don’t hunch over and try to hide into the background. They carry themselves differently. I think so much of beauty is in your confidence.

What do I dislike the most about the show? Their emphasis on exercise over eating right. Now I KNOW that these people are eating perfectly balanced meals; but they don’t tell us what they are! I want to know what they eat for breakfast. I want to know if they are catered, or if they learn to cook these things on their own. Oh – and the fact that they make these poor people go shirtless for almost the whole show, and then once they lose the weight, they put them in more flattering clothes. Come on, people – they could have the longer workout shirts to begin with. Don’t make those poor big women climb up there in sports bras.

Yes, they are making bank off of the weight loss crisis in America; but they are also changing the lives of a lot of people.

In soapbox conclusion, I heart the Biggest Loser.

Holiday Pictures

I suppose it is about that time; break out the photos again. Here are some wonderful Christmas tidbits from my crazy family get-together. And just to show my weight loss, I included a pic at my top weight: I was 239 lbs in the picture below. In the rest of the pictures, I was about 214.5 lbs. Not a radical difference, but I can see it in my face.


The picture above is me at the zoo with some friends. That's me in the billowy unflattering top in the front. The teeny chica on the end is 100 lb Ashley. I try to pretend she was really far away in this picture.
To the left is my cousin's son Jakop (Do not ask.. they knew what they were doing when they spelled it this way. It's just that NO ONE ELSE DOES. And that impossibly cute/pretty girl cuddling him is my sister, Becca.











These are my parents dancing. My divorced parents. We are a very wierd family.




This is my dad, holding his holiday cheer. Sister and Dad are wearing unplanned but nevertheless matching shirts.




This is sister, tackling small frail mother. Sister is probably 125 lbs and 5'3. Mom is 5'5 and 105 pounds soaking wet. I feel the stick on my end was a bit short...

This is Husband, kissing a little too eagerly. I am, however, happy with my new glasses; and slightly shrunken double chin.

My other cousin's son Brennan got a sticker book. Stickers went on cheeks instead of in books. Don't I look thrilled.

Recieving my sticker of honor. That sexy thug next to me is Husband. I especially like when he pushes his sleeves up like that. He tried growing his hair out for me once; but the edge was lost.

Ah, that ever present can of holiday cheer. He wore it with pride. I got my... stockiness from my father, as you can see.

Little mommy, cuddled up to older daughter. That pink top Mom is wearing used to be mine. Imagine that. My mom gets my hand-me-downs when I outgrow them.

Amy Jo is getting tuckered out. And her face is looking a bit too round.

Some days I'm seriously feel like I've dropped 20 pounds; but then sometimes, I can't tell the difference. I do know that I feel better when I've styled my hair, put on a bit of makeup, and taken pride in my appearance. I'm learning to dress in a way that is more flattering. My shorter haircut makes my face look less pudgy. I think I look thinner in my cute new glasses. All sorts of little things make me feel better about myself. Today I am back down to 217 after the "Great Christmas Gain". 5 lbs more and I'll be back to where I was before these horrible holidays. This is a serious struggle; but it feels amazing to be packing away my size 20's and feeling a bit of room in my 18's. I love seeing that my belly isn't hanging over my pants as much; and that my chin isn't so flabby. I like that I am able to get my rings on and off; I haven't been able to do that in a year! I like feeling healthier; feeling more flexible. When you've got rolls, you can only twist and bend so much. Things are hard; but this is rewarding.

Dinner tonight? 1 Lean cuisine chicken flatbread and a salad. Our stove isn't working (go figure) and maintenance is "busy". But hey, a microwave can still give a healthy meal!

Britney Spears flavored M&Ms

Today is going to be a good day. Do you know why?

Because my breakfast was FABULOUS.

I made my oatmeal last night to bring to work. I know that some people think that’s gross… it gets pretty think, and the oats swell up. But I don’t mind, and I definitely don’t have time to make them in the morning. Anyway, I put a pot of 1/2 water/1/2 milk on the stove to bring to a boil. I added rolled oats, some wheat germ, and some ground flax seed (it gives it a yummy nutty taste!). I mashed a banana and whipped that in as it was cooking. I added just a teeeeny bit of honey, because the banana was really sweet. I stirred in a bit of natural peanut butter. Then, I threw a couple walnuts on top, along with 6 butterscotch chips. This morning, I heated it up and stirred it… mmmm butterscotch/peanut butter goodness. But the heaven doesn’t end there. I discovered ¼ of a sugar cookie remaining on the break table. It couldn’t have been more than 30 calories. I crushed it and sprinkled it on top.

I am in a dopey, dreamlike state; definitely under the influence of heavenly oatmeal. Thank you to katheats.com, where I first got hooked on the good stuff. That woman is amazing; she keeps a picture food diary, and eats the way I could only DREAM of eating. I’ve gotten a lot of ideas from her. AND she gets in some serious exercise every single day! But warning: I am stuffed. I have a feeling my tummy isn’t going to rumble until tomorrow!

Anyway, what’s my plan today? I have to work some overtime… got to the office at the crack of dawn, and I’ll be leaving at about 4:30pm. I came prepared, with a lean cuisine for lunch (only 230 calories… to balance out my energy-filled high calorie breakfast), a fruit leather, and a fiber 1 bar. Tonight I have laundry to do, and online course to delve into (for China) and a new soup recipe to make.

I had a moment yesterday – a horrible, eye-opening moment. Have you ever had one of those moments where it just hit you that you have a serious serious problem? Yesterday, I had one of those. My husband bought 100 calorie packs of M&Ms for my stocking this year. That was wonderful, except that when I opened my stocking, I put everything back in afterwards. I just finally started going through the Christmas pile and putting things away yesterday. The M&Ms were interspersed with… perfumes and scented soaps. The little baggies smelled exactly like Curious by Britney Spears. Instead of wrinkling my nose and throwing them in the trash, I opened a package, wondering if they tasted like perfume too. They did. A terrible, scented, chemical taste. Did I throw them in the trash at that point? No. I finished the bag. Then grabbed another bag, ran to the sink, RINSED MY SCENTED M&Ms, and sprinkled them on top of a 100 calorie pudding! Yes, I have problems. Problem #1: I should know better than to get all these “low calorie snacks”. What registers in my brain is “Yay! Now I can have three of these, and it’s only 300 calories!” . Problem # 2: I am obsessed with chocolate. I washed perfume off my M&Ms and ATE them, gosh darn it!

So what am I going to do about this? First, I am tossing these M&Ms when I get home. It was a sweet gesture on the husband’s part, but I am not going to keep them and use that as an excuse to eat them. Second, I am going to stop buying 100 calorie packs, low fat puddings, etc; I need fruit and veggies. I need grains and protein. Not low calorie useless gunk.

Mega Church?

Bad weekend. Don’t ask.

Top weight since Christmas? 223 lbs.

I climbed back on my rickety old wagon this weekend, and what did the scale tell me this morning? 218.5 lbs. So at least there is something to be happy about! Yesterday’s menu:

Breakfast: oatmeal (banana, a bit of honey, natural PB, and some butterscotch chips)
Lunch: Whole wheat pita with tuna salad, small side salad
Dinner: Huge bowl of steamed veggies (broccoli, carrots, cauliflower) covered with ½ serving of cheese broccoli soup, yogurt
Snacks: 100 calorie banana pudding cup with light cool whip on top, 100 calorie pack of M&Ms

Yes, I know… the snacks weren’t good choices. But I’m going through crap, and PMSing big time; chocolate has a way of helping a person cope. And I didn’t go crazy – only about 230 calories for both snacks put together. I felt very fulfilled by my meals. I worried that my dinner wouldn’t have enough calories to last me; but that huge heaping bowl kept me full for several hours!

I think I’ve found a church that I want to stay at. It’s a church I never would have even attended before; it’s almost what you’d call a “mega-church”. It’s huge. The kind of church you can walk into and disappear. I always thought that was a cop-out. The church I attended from elementary school through my first year of marriage had 300 members, and was a conservative Baptist church. I’d eye these churches and think “that church is full of wishy-washy people who don’t want to take responsibility for their faith”.

I’ve only been to this new church twice, but it seems nothing like that. The messages are amazing. Currently they are going through a series called “Tough Questions”. They’re tackling subjects like “How can I know whether the Bible is literal or not?” “Is there one “true” religion?” And “If God loves the world so much, how come bad things happen?”. These messages could spell disaster, because the answers can vary so much depending on the person answering them. But so far, the messages have been truly biblically supported, and very encouraging. And I find myself needing to be one of those “wishy-washy Christians” right now. I was wrong to judge them. And to think of them as "wishy-washy" in the first place! I see them now through new eyes. Many of them are very involved in the church; it’s their home, as much as my smaller church was mine. There are many people there that love God, and I’ve met some very genuine believers. I am leaving in 1.5 months. I can’t get involved in ministry at this point. I want to be able to go somewhere to worship and fellowship, and leave my worries and troubles behind. Yesterday was amazing; I walked in sad, discouraged, my heart aching. I walked out rejuvenated. The message was on “Doubt”. It was so encouraging to hear other people’s struggles, and to hear that they were able to push through it, and find God on the other side. We studied Thomas in depth, which I’ve never done. All in all, a wonderful Sunday morning.

So today the diet is kaput once more; I’ve left my lunch in my car, which my husband took to work. So I know that I have a packet of instant plain oatmeal in my drawer; that will be breakfast. I have a Fiber One bar and fruit leather in my purse; snacks! Now I just have to try to find something healthy for lunch; I have Garlic Rice Noodles in my drawer, but they are kinda gross. That, or the vending machine. Maybe just some cashews and a granola bar? *sigh* I wish my brain would work lately.

Zombie

Today, I am a zombie. I got 4 hours of sleep last night, and this morning my eyes are puffy, my head is pounding, and I keep nodding off! NOT a good way to start the day. Plus, I forgot to bring breakfast AND lunch to work. I’ll have to be creative; I have no car to go pick something up.

Diet is kaput. I haven’t weighed myself in a couple days; three days ago, though, I was 221 lbs. That’s a 7 lb gain this month. And I haven’t changed things. I know I need to; I feel tired, dizzy, and sick. My body hates fast food and candy. It’s in veggie withdrawal. Why do I do this to myself? *sigh* But today is a new day. A new day.

Yesterday’s love dare? Ask your spouse to name three things that irritate them about you.

I knew it would not go over well. He looked at me like I was crazy, then like he was offended. I explained that I just wanted to know three things that I could work on. He told me there’s no point in working on anything, it won’t make a difference; and anyway, he’s told me all the things that irritate him already, I should know the answer to that question. I was actually thinking the same thing before I asked, but I didn’t feel right skipping that day’s dare. We fell into a very emotional, tearful heart-to-heart. I feel like a weight has been lifted; we didn’t argue, or get angry. I even felt some sympathy from him at one point; he’s seemed so cold and distant lately, it was nice to see compassion. I made sure he knows I still love him, and I am working to become a better wife; that I couldn’t imagine life without him. Sadly, he shared that it’s not that he’s figuring out IF he wants to leave me; it’s a matter of WHEN he will have the guts to actually do it. He said he didn’t see the point in going to China. It wouldn’t change anything, and he wants to leave. He doesn’t want to give our relationship more time.

A lot of people have counseled us not to go; close friends that know we’re having trouble. I’ve prayed about this, and thought hard. I came to the conclusion about a week ago that we NEED to do this. I need to have one last chance to see if anything can change. I still love him. I know that I’ve made mistakes, and that I continued making them, and hurting him. And I’ve stopped them. But he hasn’t had a chance to see what life is like with me DIFFERENT. And if we don’t go to China in 1.5 months, he will be gone in 2 months. If we go, we have 10 more months really think about this. I don’t want 4 years of marriage to be thrown away without giving it the time, work, and effort it deserves. I need to TRY.

I explained my feelings last night. He moaned, cried, complained. It was heart breaking knowing that I was arguing for my last chance. That if China doesn’t happen, our marriage ends almost immediately. Those are high stakes. In the end, he promised me that he will go; we’ve already put a lot of money into this trip, as have our families. We’ve sold many of our belongings, and I’ve put in notice at work. And he admitted that even if he doesn’t love me, it will be an amazing experience culturally.

Will it be hard, not having anyone? Having only him as an English-speaking companion? Absolutely. Will there be many lonely, sad nights? Of course there will be. But I am not giving up this marriage without a fight. A loving, compassionate fight.