Wow. It's been awhile, huh?

Finally, I've found a way around the "Net Nanny" in China... I can't post pictures, but once again I can at least post text!

How am I? I'm doing REALLY REALLY GOOD! My God is good lately. Why?

1. I'm now 199 lbs. FINALLY broke that horrible 200 mark!
2. I just returned from a 2 1/2 week vacation on the beaches of Malaysia. I'm tan and feeling pretty darn confident in myself
3. Yesterday was my first day back to classes here in China. A small student said to me "Amy, you are thin this year!" WOOT!
4. Things have been getting progressively better on the marriage front. I'm happy to say that I think we will most likely weather this storm.
5. We've hit the halfway mark for our time here in China, and it's now a count down to go home!!

Really, I'm not TOO eager to leave. I love China, but I really really miss my family. I'm torn. I miss spending time with family and friends at home, smelling fresh air, being able to shop for things like familiar spices, brown rice, etc. But I also love the friends I've made here. I'm going to miss my favorite parks, favorite restaurants and dishes. I'm going to miss the students. Mostly, I'm afraid of what will happen when Husband and I return home. We've gotten so much closer recently; but what will the stress of being home, going back to school, both of us working, etc. have on us? I guess we'll see.

Our vacation was wonderful. We flew to Kuala Lumpur, saw the city, then went to the rainforest and the beaches. A lot of curry was eaten, along with *gasp* A & W and Burger King. We caved! We got very tan (and burnt) and got a lot of reading done too.

So... Amy Jo is alive, well, and looking up!

Blogspot is blocked!!!

Have I fallen off the face of the earth?

Actually, no. I've just been BLOCKED! I finally found a proxy that will allow me to access and update my blog, but not post pictures. Man, that's the most interesting part! Anyway, I have WEEKS of blogs to catch up on.

What's new in my life? China is good! I've got new friends! We've been spending a lot of time with other foreigners here in Fuyang. There's a local karaoke bar that caters to foreigners, so we have spent a few nights out there. It's also more fun to go out to dinner in a large group. Most restaurants in China expect you to order dishes and share at the table. When you have a big round table with 10 people at it, you can order 10 or 12 dishes and sample them all! You put them on a lazy susan and spin it when you want something new. It's a great way to eat, and it goes slowly.... so you really don't eat that much!

Classes are great. I am adoring teaching this kids. They are so fun, and so excited about English. They say the darndest things. I can brainwash them, since they don't know much English...

Amy is pretty. Amy is smart. Amy is my favorite teacher. (hee hee hee just kidding!).

But really, I have actually had these conversations with kids...

student: Amy, you are beautiful and nice and I like you.
Amy: Thank you! I like you too.
Student: Thank you. I like you too.
Amy: um...

OR...

Amy: What does a donkey look like?
Student: It is STUPID!
Amy: But what does it LOOK like?
Student: A donkey looks like stupid.
Amy: *sigh*

OR...
Amy: What is in your desk?
Student: A teacher.
Amy: You have a teacher in your desk?
Student (realizing his mistake) um... the teacher is SO small.

Students here don't use the word VERY. They say SO. It is SO cute. It is SO big. I'm trying to break them of this and teach them to use very, but it's not going so well!

How's Amy's weight going? Alright. I'm holding steady at 205-208. I haven't lost in the last few weeks. Honestly, I don't much mind; I'm waiting for a letter from home to make sure my address here is correct. If I get the letter, then I'll have my family mail my "skinny clothes". Until then, I don't want to lose any because I'm already down to my smallest stuff here; and it's only a few shirts, one pair of jeans, and a pair of shorts!

It's really hot here; some days it gets up to about 95 degrees. I hear we haven't seen anything yet. We're pretty much staying home unless it's later evening. It's just too hot!

I Know Why They Call it a Struggle

Why is it SOO hard to avoid unhealthy foods? How do some people have it so much easier? I see people here who never eat unhealthy stuff. Actually, that counts for most of the people in my office. The pregnant woman next to me munches on a banana in the morning, and an apple in the afternoon. At lunch in the cafeteria she gets her rice and veggies. For dinner, she usually gets rice, veggies, and some kind of meat for protein. This is similar for almost everyone who shares the English office with us. They come in in the morning and fill their cup with hot green tea. They sip this all day long. I don't see them hiding chocolate, eating ice cream bars on the street, tearing into a bag of Doritos they discovered, or bowing down to a can of regular coke. WHY, world?!

It's not just here; in the office at home, it was the same way. Sure, there were more overweight ladies... but still, there were those that would sit at their desk at 6:30 in the morning, happy with their boiled egg and fruit for breakfast. At lunch they'd break out their huge salad (minus the fatty dressing) and be perfectly content. At potlucks, they'd fill their plates with veggies, fruit, and whole wheat crackers, with a little cheese and maybe a cup of soup. Yes, some of these people were dieting; but most just happily followed the lifestyle. You could see who struggled; it was the women saying "Oh, I WISH I could eat that!" And THEN taking the healthy stuff.

Scale this morning reads? 209.00.

I lost a little less than a pound. But once again, I failed. I just don't know how to get the drive. Yesterday's menu (it is now tuesday morning here):

breakfast: congee and 1/2 a steamed bun
lunch: Rice, beet greens, cauliflour/broccoli mix, and the "mystery" veggie. It's green, a little bit slimy, no leaves or anything... about the size of the rectangular bamboo shoots at home. It's good. Tastes buttery!
Dinner: KFC again. 1/2 order of large fries (hubby and I split it) and an iced coffee with vanilla ice cream in it
snacks: ice cream bar, apple, peach yogurt

Here are the failures here. First, I started the day off great. The apple was before lunch, the yogurt after. THEN we went for a long walk. We walked to long without eating dinner, and we were famished. We didn't see any restaurants around with pictures to point at. :) So we ended up at KFC, where we know they have English menus. I ordered a mexican chicken wrap, but the chicken was terrible. I run into that sometimes here. The meat was so dark it was almost black - and it was really grisly and fatty. So I ate only one bite and set it aside. Also, fries were a bad choice; I should have gotten corn or coleslaw. Third; the coffee float. This was just weakness. I could have gotten water or fruit juice.

We had a great long walk. We bought Husband an Arhu (spelling?). It's a Chinese instrument that you play with a bow, like a violin. I bought a gorgeous cross-stich. It's my maiden voyage with them. I hope I love it! I did it for three hours last night while watching tv and only got a teeny bit done. Anyway, we walked home and I was starving since I hadn't really had anything of substance. The answer? Husband went to the shop next door and bought an ice cream bar for each of us. It wasn't a complete bust. I didn't binge, and I did eat fruit and veggies, and some healthy stuff; but I'm just disapointed in myself. I bet if I had eaten right, my weight would have had an 8 in it today.

Oh well - today is another day.

Failure Should Not Be Rewarded

Why must failure be rewarded? It really screws with my mind. This weekend I was a bad girl. Here are just SOME of the things I've eaten in the past 3 days:
1 king sized chocolate bar
2 chocolate sundaes
3 ice cream bars
2 dinners of KFC (corn and popcorn chicken)
1/2 baguette with cheese (that's about a foot of bread)
grilled cheese
3 eggs each morning for breakfast
2 beers
PLUS, all my other normal meals (stir-fry, breaded sweet and sour pork, etc). I ate a LOT. And I ate JUNK. Scale says?

209.4. YAY!!!!

Another new number! But seriously, why can't this happen when I'm doing well? It is not very motivating. I did walk a lot yesterday, though; about 5 hours. That could play a big part in it. Whatever the reason, I was a bad girl, and I'm LUCKY I didn't show a gain this morning. I'm not gonna tempt fate. This morning I'm feeling energetic, excited to be wearing my smaller jeans for the first time in 2 years (YAY) and I'm chomping on the best apple I have ever had.

The fruit here is soooo good. They have everything. Right now, I'm feeling the apples and kiwis. The kiwis are so cheap! I got about 10 of them for about 3 bucks yesterday. Can you imagine how much those would be at home? Apples are even cheaper. There's also mangos, papaya, banana, grapes, starfruit, dragonfruit, pineapple, pears, and many other things I don't even recognize.

FYI - Wordpress is blocked in China right now :( I follow a couple blogs there, so I'm sorry, but I can't get to you!! (Debby being one of the two!) Anyway, today is a sunny, gorgeous, warm day. I'm dressed in my smaller sizes I packed. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling good.

Night on the Town

Yeah... so that thing about it being time to fight? Didn't so much win the battle today.

Class was great; my students are so fun. Tonight we went to dinner with some other foreign friends. It was great! We walked there, and it was quite a ways. Probably a 45 minute walk. We ate in a restaurant in this huge swanky hotel. The dining room was completely empty. We sat at a beautiful table, drank out of crystal wine glasses, had the servers put our napkins in our lap, the whole shebang! At home, it would have been a REALLY expensive place. As it was, it equaled about $7.00 a person. We went into the display area and pointed out the dishes we wanted, and we all shared. That's usually the way you do it; you put all the dishes in the middle, and reach with your chopsticks. Afterwards, we took a long way home, checked out some instrument shops, and got some ice cream. Yes, not on the diet; but so good!

The damage done:

breakfast: Congee and a steamed bun
lunch: rice, bamboo, steamed greens (maybe beet greens?) and zucchini/egg dish that I love
dinner: a little bit of everything; eggplant in brown sauce, pork ribs, fried potato cakes, and little sandwiches with bacon and lettuce on them. Dessert of fruit: Longens, cherry tomatoes, and watermelon
Snacks: 2 apples, ice cream bar, about 8 cashews, 6 small crispy cookies (eek).

Lots of walking today; I don't think I'll lose, but hopefully it will at least keep me even.

Temptation

It's amazing; you never get away from temptation. Even fleeing to the other side of the world doesn't do it. Yesterday, I FOUGHT. I fought hard. This is what I ended up with:

breakfast: congee (couldn't find a steamed bun without tofu inside... so I went without)

lunch: 1/2 cup white rice, 1/4 cup steamed bean sprouts, 1/4 cup zucchini/egg dish (it was sooo good!)

dinner: We went out. I ended up with: 1 fried egg, 1 cup of fried rice (with peas, carrots, corn in it), 1/2 cup stir-fried broccoli, and a big glass of sweetened ice tea.

snacks: Here's my failure. A LOT of cashews. I'm not sure how many... but many. 4 gelatin thingies... these are only in China. They are the size of a shot glass, with some fruit floating in them. 2 chocolate mousse squares (the size of a bite-sized milky way), 1 apple, 1 orange, 1 glass of chocolate milk

So... It wasn't HORRIBLE. But seriously, I think I had 1/2 cup of cashews. I didn't even realize I was doing it. We hit up the market on the way home. I was so happy that I turned down the candy bars and ice cream, and I thought "nuts are better!". But did I get the almonds? No. I got the dry roasted cashews... something I KNOW is a binge food for me.

Scale says? 212.

Tonight we are going out to dinner with some friends. I'll try to be good. I stocked up on seasonal fruit for snacks (apples, papaya, oranges, lychees). Temptation always finds you. Now is the time for me to really crack down and FIGHT!

This is the cutest baby; I couldn't resist. I got the back side for a reason; to show the split in her little pants! She is one of the few that has a diaper on; normally they are bare bunned! Also, I get a kick out of the clothes... parents pad their babies with SOMETHING under their clothes. I'm not sure what. Look how poofy she is!

I love the willow trees we find everywhere.

Hubby and I. I am happy... my face is finally starting to thin out a little bit!

Hm... what's the work ethic like across the world? It seems like people work longer days. This is shown through the fact that even though my school is a boarding school, almost ALL the students live right here in the city. They all go home every weekend; but since Mom and Dad work so much during the week, it's better for the kids to stay at school.Longer days, yes. But the labor part of it? It's a mix. There are the guys who pedal the big taxi-tricycles around; they obviously work HARD. There are the construction workers dangling way up in the air on a new building being held up by sticks; that's hard work. There's the janitorial staff here at school; this place is always being cleaned! The cafeteria is mopped after every meal. They sweep the whole courtyard every day. They stay busy; they work HARD.But... there's a different feel to it. Like the teachers. The teachers are often at school from 7:30-5:00; longer than 8 hours. But, when they are not teaching, they are surfing the internet; sleeping; or watching movies online. That's a lot of down time. I'm told we have very full schedules, and we are only IN the classroom about 14 hours a week!

There is the kitchen staff; they work a long day. I think it's the same staff for breakfast (starting at 7:00), lunch, and dinner (served until 6:00, then clean-up). BUT... in between meals, they play cards for several hours, or sleep. Shop owners have a round table set up with a card game going at all times. Some watch tv.And SLEEP. How do these people do it?

I'm not sure what home life is like; or how much sleep they get at night; but they can SLEEP. I've gotten on a train, and seen a person sit down and zonk out in a matter of 2 minutes. They will stand, grip the hand holds on the bus, and drift off, swaying and tilting with the bumps. In the teachers office, they will lay their heads down and sleep like a baby. There's even a "nap" chair that reclines with a foot rest (although that's normally used by the pregnant teachers). The kitchen crew sleeps in the cafeteria in between meals. Babies sleep in their mothers arms as they walk. I am SO jealous! I wish I could do that!

Daily eats:

breakfast: congee and a steamed bun (I was in a hurry, so I ate half the bun and half the bowl of congee)

lunch: Vegetarian style! I had 1/2 cup rice, 1/4 cup steamed bamboo, 1/4 cup steamed greens, and 1/4 cup cauliflower

Dinner: Gave in to weakness. My lunch made me hungry sooner, and we walked to the supermarket. The thought of eating cafeteria food again wasn't appealing; and we stopped at KFC :( I got 5 chicken nuggets (yes, nuggets! KFC is funny here) and an ear of corn. I also got a coffee drink with about 1/4 cup soft serve ice cream on top.

Snacks: 1 huge carrot, sweet bread

So... dinner was a bust.

Weight this morning? 212 lbs :(

It's Easy to Feel Fat

It's so easy to feel fat in China.

Yes, I'm losing. I'm excited... BUT.. I'm still in a country where the women average about 5'3 and weigh 100 lbs. They are almost all tiny. The whole time I've been here, I've only seen ONE fat Chinese woman. Sure, there are some that are rounder than others... but still not FAT. The clothes don't even go up to my size; anywhere. Shoes don't fit. Bus seats are a really tight squeeze. And the kids at my school, bless their hearts, run up to me and say "You are big! You are big!". I know they are just trying to use their English; they often smile kindly when they say it. But still, it stings.
One thing that's really hit me since I got to China? The people all look so different from each other. Don't get offended or anything; but honestly, I was worried that I'd confuse new friends and stuff. I've never been to a country where almost everyone has the same hair color, same eye color. I had no reason to be worried; theyare as different from each other as people in the US. I don't confuse anyone with anyone else. They have their own unique styles. The women here are so trendy! They all wear leggings and dresses. Lots of high heels or ballet flats. If I was only packing 110 lbs, I'd wear stilettos too! I was hiking up the stairs of a huge mountain the other day, huffing and puffing. I heard someone murmer something in Chinese. I moved over; and here comes a young woman, about 5ft tall, with a dress and stiletto heels on. She just scurried right up the stairs and dissapeared around the corner. Meanwhile, Amy is taking a break against a tree, trying to remember to breathe.
It's a hard knock life for us weight-strugglers. Even on the other side of the world, I'm tempted by candy bars and ice cream. I'm going to start sharing my menu on this blog again; it might be interesting for you, and good for me to keep track. Beware, though; sometimes I don't have the faintest idea WHAT it is that I'm eating :)

So.... today:

Breakfast: 1 cup congee and 1/2 steamed bun (Congee is rice porridge with red beans mixed in)
lunch: 1/2 cup white rice, 1/4 cup steamed bamboo, 1/4 cup cabbage, and 1/2 cup baby potato/beef stew
dinner: 1/2 cup white rice, 1/4 cup bok choy, 1/4 cup cold zucchini salad, 1/3 cup beef stew
snacks: oops... ice cream. One container (maybe 1 cup?) coffee/vanilla swirl. Not even that good!)

I think I'll split a pear with the hubby tonight too. That's what most days are like; congee for breakfast, rice and veggies, a little meat, more veggies... honestly, the stew isn't mostly eaten anyway. The meat is on huge bones, and it's really fatty. I usually glean 5 or 6 bites of meat from it; but the potatoes are heavenly!

I'm hoping the scale still says 210 in the morning; I don't wanna go up! I can see it... 11 more lbs, and I will be OUT of this 200-something prison I've been locked in!!

Today is a Good Day

It might be a fluke....

but scale says 210.5 lbs.

YES!!!!!

Today I am going to fight the urge to go get chocolate or regular coke. I will be a good girl and eat my veggies, rice, protein, and drink my green tea :)

We just got home. I just had to blog about our night, even though it's probably not all that interesting to anyone but me.We were meeting up with Tim, the San Francisco guy, for dinner with some other foreigners. We got the address of the restaurant texted to us. We took a cab, and he dropped us off at a barber shop. After some initial confusion, we found Tim and went up into the restaurant; an awesome place with a private room for us. We all sat at a big round table with a "lazy susan" in the middle for all the dishes. We knew we were in for some fun when we met the crazy mix of people.

-1 guy from San Francisco-

1 guy from Massachussetts-

1 guy from massachussetts' Chinese girlfriend-

1 guy from Germany-1 girl from South Africa

-1 guy from Vancouver, Canada

-1 Chinese bar owner who spoke only Chinese. He knew how to get us to toast though!

-1 guy from Great Britain

-2 crazy Michiganders :)

What a riot! We learned a little more about everyone, and had some great food. They just ordered about 10 dishes and we would grab things with our chopsticks, and spin it around when we wanted something different. There was lots of food, lots of beer, and lots of laughs. Most people who know me know that I am not a beer fan; but hey, why not cave and go with it? I had 2. Every 2 seconds it seemed like someone was toasting, and you have to down your little glass of beer. We had bottles, and we'd pour it into a glass about twice the size of a shot glass.Family Guy quotes were said; quotes from Snatch were said; jokes were made, friends were made... good night! After dinner we all went to a billiards hall. Great fun; even though I'm terrible! Matthew won 30 yuan :)So, there ya go. We now have more friends, more places to go, and things to do! Life is just never gonna be boring!

New Number!

Not a long post... just a simple, but exciting entry.

This morning, scale says...

213!!!! I haven't seen that number in at least 2 years.

Good day. Good day.

I'm Being Driven Insane by Food Blogs!!!

No, not friends blogs. Not blogs, period. Specifically those blogs that post pictures of chocolate cake, fresh hot mexican wet burritos, etc. I follow many of these; and I loved reading them in the states! But now, it just hurts. I can handle the pictures of yummy oatmeal; we have oatmeal in China. I can see the steaks, the potatoes, the fruit, etc... I can find those. It HURTS though, to see a big juicy hamburger! I'm not gonna see one of those for a long time.
I've decided I'll lay off the pretty picture blogs for awhile. I can read about it; but seeing it? Oh, kill me now!
Bad news: I haven't lost nearly as much weight as I thought I had. When I left the US, I weighed 220 lbs. My jeans are big; I fit into a smaller size now. My belly is dissapearing. I thought I MUST be 210! But alas... Amy found the scales at the Da Run Fa (supermarket) and she still weighs 214.2. DARN IT! 214 was my lowest weight BEFORE China. It's all that Dove chocolate and flatbread I've been eating. I'm changing things up; goodbye, Chinese Rocky Street icecream (don't you live the Chinglish? It's Rocky Road...the box cracks me up), hello fresh seasonal papaya and pineapple! And peas and bok choy, and bamboo and carrots! And eggs and tofu!
We are sincerely hoping to afford a trip to Australia on the way back to the states in January... and it's a 6 day hiking trip through the wilderness. I've gotta be FIT!!!

Week 3

We've begun week 3 in our school in Fuyang, China. Things are going well! I'm teaching 4th and 5th graders; and they are such great fun. Life is starting to get easier; we're learning where to shop, where to eat, where to go for a pretty walk (or cheap foot massage!). As we learn more about the city, life gets better. We have a lot of time to relax, watch tv, walk around the city, talk with family and friends, etc. The weather is starting to get warmer. The mornings and evenings are still chilly, but afternoons are quite warm. I'm already afraid of this summer! No AC in the classrooms, and it gets VERY hot and humid! The humidity is terrible even when it's cold. Papers in our apartment are always damp. Towels don't really dry. The bed always feels... dewy. But for the most part, it's pretty comfortable. We have a comfortable bed, and we're getting a couch today. We have a big tv, and a phone. Our kitchen is nice, clean, and efficient. Our shower gets nice and hot; so far, very few bugs. Life is good!

Diet? Well... I lost a lot of weight the first week and a half; then I've kind of stopped. Why? Because I've discovered the chocolate isle at the supermarket, and the ice cream bars at the store next door. I've gotta stop. The food in the cafeteria is free for us 3 meals a day, 5 days a week; but it's made me sick a couple times. I'm afraid to eat it! I do anyway, for breakfast and lunch; but dinner is usually at a restaurant or home-cooked (a lot of eggs and ham, or bokchoy and bacon, or pork steaks and potatoes!). I'm confident that I'll lose a decent amount of weight yet, but it's going slower. I've gotta lay off that Dove chocolate and those delicious ice cream bars!

Life in China is so different from what I expected. I thought I was prepared; but nothing prepares you for this. Everywhere we go, we are stared at. Camera phones always seem to seek us out; and we're asked for our autographs! Babies here don't usually wear diapers; they have a slit in their pants, and they just squat. I'm not sure whether they are "trained" not to do it in certain places; I haven't seen any accidents. But who knows! The meat area of the market has live eels, turtles, frogs, fish... along with smoked and cured eels, turtles, frogs, fish... and there are plucked chickens and ducks, jellyfish, and squid. The chickens are a lot leaner than in the US... probably because they aren't genetically altered like ours are! I've stuck to beef and pork; it looks more familiar. Or packaged bacon and ham.

I've found cheese! There are only a couple kinds; blocks of monterey jack cheese (not too good), singles of american cheese, and spreadable "breakfast cheese". I'm not sure what this is... but it's good on a baguette!

I'm drinking a lot of tea. We have to boil our water before drinking it; and I'm a procrastinator. So I don't keep some in the fridge for when I need it. And I don't like drinking plain old hot water; so we have a water boiler, and I just drink tea all day long. Yum yum!

Ni Hao!

Finally! Today is day 7 our our first week in China. Yes, we are safe. And my pants are definitely a bit looser already!

What is our diet? Well, I've already fell into a rhythm.

Breakfast: Rice porridge (rice, red beans). Sometimes I have a steamed bun with veggies inside too.
Lunch: Rice, soup (broth, usually nothing in it), vegetables (either bok choy, cauliflower, or bamboo)
Dinner: Rice, soup (same kind), vegetables, and a meat dish (my favorite has beef and baby potatoes.. although there's another one that has pork and edamame that I like!)

Yes, repetative. Boring. And I've had bouts with sickness; but I'm losing weight! I'm walking a lot more. We walk to the store, walk up and down the stairs to our building and to the school all day long, and walk just to explore our new home.

Wierd foods I've eaten/seen?
-tripe
-chicken feet (Husband tried to eat this. Did not know how. Gave up.)
-pig ears

I had a family member ask how different Chinese food is from American Chinese food. The answer is... VERY. There are no eggrolls or crab rangoon. Here in my city, you have rice with every single meal. The chicken dishes are just a whole chicken chopped up; bones and grisle all over. I've been avoiding chicken because of that; I'm picky, and I can't pick around it with chopsticks! Beef is the same way; a lot of bones. There's none of that "white meat only" stuff available. The sauces are light and yummy. Our school's canteen doesn't have the best food; that's where we've been eating. We had dinner out last night with some new friends and it was AMAZING. We're gonna do that more often!

Plane Tickets Purchased

What a horribly horrible slacker I am. I never update anymore. But life is crazy. I'm still in Michigan. Husband and I have been NOT working for almost a month. While I have a TON of time on my hands, I never seemed to have time to BLOG. Ah, it was so easy with those built in breaks at work.
Not much to report... eating to much junk, up to 220 again, not caring nearly as much as I should. Stuff is packed, toes are tapping. Oh...

Plane tickets are bought. We are officially flying out at 6:40 am on 3/19. FINALLY!!!

I keep thinking "I'll be so happy when I get to China and can eat healthy". How twisted is that? I'm dreaming of steamed veggies, rice, chicken, fresh fruit. Um... I CAN have that here! But I'm trying to eat through our pantry (I just typed panty!) before we leave, and we keep going out for too many dinners with friends and family. I'm not getting too hung up about it; maybe I should be getting hung up about it.

Anyway, thought I'd drop a line to let people know I'm alive. In less than 5 days, we will be on a plane to Fuyang, China. woooo eee!

I am Still Alive!

Yes, I have neglected Miss Blog. Honestly, I'm too busy and stressed.

Friday was my last day of work. We have yet to get an official leave date.

My fridge has been on the fritz since saturday. Maintenance has "fixed" it 3 times, and we've gone through 3 gallons of milk thinking it will stay cold, and then the fridge dies in the night and the coldness mysteriously dissapears.

216.5 lbs this morning. As you can see, I'm not off the wagon - just not explaining it in full lately.

The upside? I've been wrestling with the hubby a lot. This is improving my strength, causing us to giggle together, and giving me something to take my frustration out on - although he is 100 times stronger and can just pin me down with one arm.

shhh... don't tell him I admitted that. I keep telling him I've been holding back for his sake *wink*

BRAIN GO KABOOM!!!

I had a hard weekend. A very exhausting, soul-wrenching weekend that has left me entering my workweek depleted of energy and just… exhausted. I was debating whether to explain everything that happened, and decided that I’m working to move past it and move forward, so I’m not going to make my heart and brain rehash it all. I have a busy couple weeks coming up, and I need all the energy I can get.

We’re leaving the first week of March. That leaves us with 2-3 weeks to get everything washed, packed or sorted, brought to Goodwill or tossed, etc. We have last minute appointments to see to, people to see one last time, bills to pay, accounts to close, etc. Amy’s brain is definitely on overdrive!!

Today I’m working a 10 hour day at the office, and then going home and doing some packing. We’re also going to file our taxes tonight, if we can access Husband’s online (it never came in the mail due to an address issue, and he’s locked out of his online account… because I put in the wrong password too many times!). Lucky us, we need to go get them done for an exhorbitant amount because we need our refund back within the next 1.5 weeks. So we’ll be throwing money away just to get it quick. Ah, the price of convenience.

Husband is done with his evening job, which means there will be a lot of together time. I’m hoping this will prove to be a good thing, as we get ready for the trip, and that it won’t cause more tension. We are both at the end of our rope, and just want to have everything here done so that we can leave. I can’t BELIEVE how much there is to DO when you leave the country!!

Also – after thinking on this awhile, I’ve decided that I am not going to post a link to our China blog on this website. This blog has some really personal, sensitive info that I don’t want all of my family and friends reading, so they mustn’t stumble across it. Also, I think I’d like to keep my public life public, and my secret chubby blog life secret. If blogspot is accessible in China, I will certainly still be updating with Chinese food, experiences, etc!

Of couse – there are a couple exceptions to that rule. I know of a couple people from here I’ll be giving it to. And if you’ve been faithfully lurking here since the beginning (I don’t think there ARE any of those… but who knows) and have just been DYING to read it, email me at amy_jo0122@yahoo.com. I might make an exception. But no promises *wink*

Valentines Day

Today hasn't gone well. I don't want to expand on that. I'll leave only a quote I found when searching through my old blog I kept in 2004-2006. It's a quote from my Husband, then-boyfriend. My heart is broken these days; but reflecting back on when he said this, my heart still managed to flutter a little bit.

"I realized today that you are the luckiest girl in the world; not because of who loves you, but because of how much he loves you."

Wick in my ear!

I haven’t blogged much in the past week…mostly because I’ve got a monstrous ear infection that has made me insanely crabby, and I haven’t wanted to subject anyone to it. But my selfessness has limits, and sometimes you just gotta vent!

My ear is huge. On Sunday, it started to hurt. Monday, it hurt like the dickens. I think I got about an hour of sleep that night. In the morning, I decided I needed a doctor. My doctor couldn’t fit me in until the next day, and I knew I couldn’t wait that long, so Husband brought me to the Urgent Care Center. They charged me a $55.00 copay, and I walked away with only a prescription for ear drops, and a diagnosis of “swimmers ear” (I don’t even swim!!).

My ear was so swollen that the drops wouldn’t even seep into my ear. The little that finally did made my ear WORSE! I went to work after the Urgent Care visit, and plowed my way through half a workday, then tried to sleep.

Wednesday, I woke up and burst out crying. Husband said I needed to see OUR doctor. I called, and managed to get an appointment in the morning. I was having shooting pains inside my ear, my whole right side of the face was sore, and I couldn’t close my jaw!! I tearfully called in to work AGAIN, apologizing since my last day was supposed to be Friday.

My doctor was angry that I couldn’t get an appointment with him Tuesday. He said that the doctor gave me the wrong prescription for ear drops, and it worsened my problems. He inserted a wick into my ear so that the drops he was going to give me would get in. I was sobbing as he did it, it hurt so bad! Nothing like crying to your doctor. I was quite embarrassed. Anyway, I got a prescription for antibiotic drops, oral antibiotics, and darvocet for the pain. So far, my ear doesn’t seem to be any better. But the darvocet is helping!! *hee hee*

I have to go back in today for followup. We’ll see…

Other bad news? Our departure date has been bumped back until the first week of March! My employer okayed me to work one more week, so at least we’ll get a little more money… but I’m just anxious to go. Husband is pretty down, and he’s having a hard time at work. I want to whisk him away.

Diet wise? I’m climbing back on the wagon – even IF I’m leaving for China. I had a rude awakening when I climbed on the scale at the doctor and it said 226 lbs. Yes, that was with shoes, clothes, and heavy winter coat on, but even so, I would imagine I was 223 lbs – that’s 9 pounds gained back! I thought I was maintaining… I thought wrong.

The diet will be easy for a couple days – I can’t chew. Cream of wheat for breakfast, Soup In Hand for lunch, probably a smoothie or Slimfast shake for dinner. I’m being forced into cutting back J

Some good news? How about some of that? Hm….

I was proud of the voting on the Biggest Loser! I’m glad they gave Dane and Blaine their wish J Also, I got some purty flowers for my birthday from my mommy. And a really cute asian photo album from Husband, for China pictures (we’re broke… and it was really sweet and thoughtful!). Also, I gave several bags of fat clothes to Goodwill. I’m going to be hear long enough to go out with my co-workers for TGI Friday’s night. We’ll have time to see all of our family before we go. Mom-in-law is going to lend us her laptop so that we have a computer in China.

So all in all, life is bad, life is good. Life is… life.

A Slightly Boring Weekend Update!

What a wonderful birthday I had!

I am now 24 – officially in my mid-twenties. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN??!!
Anyway, my weekend was full of family fun! With us leaving so soon, everyone is fighting over our time. Friday I had the day off work, and did a lot of cleaning and laundry. Friday night, husband and I went to see the movie New In Town. It was pretty funny, but I wish I’d picked a movie with a little more substance!

Saturday we slept in ridiculously late, then went to my mom’s for a birthday dinner. We had Italian beef sandwiches (which my dad brought from Chicago!) and chips. Yeah, I ate too much. And cheesecake. It was terrible/wonderful. My pants are getting tight. How do I change this mindset? I don’t have much motivation. I keep thinking “I’ll lose weight in China!”. Anyway, my mom, dad, sister, cousin, her boyfriend, and her daughter was there. Fun times were had. We watched a movie after dinner, then skidaddled when mom turned Nascar on. She’s a Nascar NUT. I, however, am not.

Sunday, we went to Husband’s parents’ house for a Planet Earth marathon with the in-laws, along with the brother-in-law and his fiancée. It’s a series that BBC did on nature. It is by far the most amazing nature show I’ve ever seen. I heart it. Except when the fox eats the baby duck. That’s pretty scarring.

I am entering my last week at my office. It’s so weird knowing that Friday I’m leaving, and I may never come back. I’ve never stayed at an employer this long before (yeah, I’m a youngun. But for a 24 year old, 3 years is a long time!). I’m going to miss a lot of people, but I won’t miss office work. I’m excited to move on and learn to teach!

Blackout!

The oral typhoid vaccine is simply evil.

It’s a series of 4 pills, taken every other day on an empty stomach. Yesterday, I took pill number 1 and jetted off to work. Within two hours, I was sick, throwing up, the works. I was told that 25% of people get severe nausea with it… and I’m one of the lucky fourth! I tried to call hubby all day, to no avail. I was sick, working, and worried about hubby, since he wasn’t home! Finally, I went home at 3:00… our power had been out all day! So rather than sit in the dark all day, hubby brought me to mommy’s house, where I laid on the couch with a pillow and blanket and watched the Biggest Loser while petting Smitty, her new three-legged cat. My 21 year old sister’s plea when she wanted to adopt him?
“But MOM, you KNOW I’ve always wanted a three legged cat!”
Apparently that’s a valid argument, because mom caved and now has two kitties in their apartment. I will admit, Smitty the three legged cat IS pretty cute. And cuddly. And a little bit cross-eyed.

Last night Husband picked me up and brought me home, and our power was (thank you LORD!) back on. I was not looking forward to having to “guesstimate” what time I had to get up based on my own internal clock… I was sure I’d lay awake all night worrying I’d be late for work! Husband tucked me in, gave me some medicine for my headache, and let me sleep the night away. And sleep I did… better than I have in weeks.

Today, I’m back at work with the after effects of terrible beginning-of-my-lady-time cramps, a pounding headache, and a seriously bad attitude. I am attempting to remedy all of this with a mix of blogging and coffee. We’ll see how this works out. The worst part? I have three more pills to take. I’m hoping my body will be a little more adjusted by tomorrow morning when I take my next one!

Today’s plan? I have to pack up stuff at home, do laundry, do my LAST lesson for my online TEFL course (HURRAH!) and hopefully take a nap. We’ll see how that all goes!

Lifeforms.. Lovely Little Lifeforms...

SUPERBOWL SUNDAY!!!!

How did Amy spend her day?

Sitting on her bed with hubby. Eating all sorts of terrible forbidden things (windmill cookies, ice cream, potato chip, macaroni and cheese) and watching a Star Trek movie marathon. Four of them… That’s about SEVEN HOURS worth of TV watching. I always avoided Star Trek. In an effort to connect with Husband’s interests, I decided to start watching them with him. Slowly, I became hooked on the original cast.

Spock is my homeboy.

Anyway, we just finished watching the first season of Next Generation (if you don’t understand this Star Trek jargon, you are not alone. I have but recently begun to understand such things). We decided it was time to watch all of the movies containing that cast. Long story short?

Data died. And I cried. Just a little. I most DEFINITELY hid that from Husband, because I would be teased mercilessly. The fact that I am that attached to an android on STAR TREK is something I never imagined in my wildest dreams. My, how things change.

Life update?
-China. In 18 days. It’s creeping up at lightning speed (full warp?)
-Diet? So terrible. I’ve adopted this “When I’m in China, I’ll eat healthy” mindset. Terrible, I know. But I have so much to focus on; and so many things to stress about. I just don’t wanna deal right now. Sue me. I still ate oatmeal for breakfast… that’s good, right? So much for a diet blog… this one is losing its diet mojo!
-Marriage – okay. I’m not deluding myself. But regardless of Husband’s feelings, I am truly feeling that I am moving forward. I love him. I’m enjoying him more, and he’s so INTERESTING! I’m beyond angry at the way I’ve treated him, and viewed him. I’m loving him so much… and its going to make it much harder if he stills wants a divorce next year after our stint in China. But I won’t regret it; I’d rather appreciate him, respect him, love him, and treat him the way he deserves, and lose him than lose him knowing that I could have been better. I could seriously go on forever on this subject, but I’ll spare you… for now.

Today we had an extremely overpriced counseling session in “travel medicine”. Basically, I got a stupid shot in my arm. The nurse stuck the needle in, injected HEP A miracle stuff into my arm, removed the needle, and then promptly placed a bandage carefully TWO INCHES ABOVE the needle hole. I think she missed the point. We got Typhoid pills to take over the next week or so… prescriptions for malaria meds… and lots of info on DEET and sunscreen and high elevation and traveler’s diarrhea.

Oh, hey, y’all, if you’re the praying type (which I definitely am), please add my aunt to your prayer list. She was just diagnosed with breast cancer. We’re not sure how far it’s progressed, but she’s pretty scared. I can’t imagine what she’s feeling right now; but she’s a believer, and is being as optimistic as she can.

Have a happy Monday!

New Reasons I am Excited to be Going to China

(RING RING)
1. HELLO, YOU HAVE ONE A $10000 DOLLAR HOME MAKEOVER! WOULD YOU LIKE US TO SEND US THE INFO?
-sorry, I'm going to China.
2. AMY, WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN HEADING UP "TEAM SPIRIT" AT WORK?
-Sorry, I'll be in China.
3. THIS IS SARAH, WITH YOUR LOCAL PRESS. WE'RE RUNNING A GREAT DEAL ON-
-sorry ma'am, but I'm moving to China. I'm not going to buy anything.
4. WOULD YOU LIKE TO RENEW YOUR LEASE? YOUR RENT WILL ONLY GO UP 500%.
-No thanks, I'm movin to China.
5. THIS SUMMER, WE SHOULD SOOO HANG OUT AAAALLLL THE TIME
-um.. (said to an annoying acquaintance) sorry, I'm GOING TO CHINA.

TGIT

Tuesday = my favorite day of the work week.

I’ve explained in the past my love for The Biggest Loser. That is a major reason that Tuesdays are the BEST. But also, it’s great simply because it’s NOT MONDAY. Mondays are hard. My weekends have been… not so enjoyable lately. Also, at work, my late day is Mondays. So I have to be at the office until 5:00 (something I HATE!) taking patient phone calls. The worst job in the entire office. Tuesdays, I don’t. Today, I’m leaving at 2:30! Wednesdays are hump day. It’s just blech. Thursdays feel like they SHOULD be FRIDAYS. Fridays move at a snail pace. So basically, Tuesdays are the BEST.

I’m making my Tuesday even better today by washing my sheets and making a yummy, healthy dinner. I LOVE freshly washed sheets. And when I was thinking of how to make my night better, I thought “I want to sleep on the fresh sheets TONIGHT!” Sheets fresh out of the dryer are an unparalleled pleasure. Not from the linen closet; sheets that still smell like fresh detergent and dryer sheets. Sheets pulled so tight that there isn’t a single wrinkle. High thread count. Comfy. Sheets.

Also, I’m making a meal out of Bok Choy. I’m planning on cutting up some Bok Choy, frying some bacon, and cooking them with a little garlic and red pepper. Then I’m going to have an scrambled egg or two with it. And maybe a piece of wheat toast. MMMMM…..

Things that may deter my happiness today?
A month before I leave, my office announces “restructuring”.. meaning my favorite supervisor is no longer my supervisor. And my least favorite now IS.
I have to do work for my online TEFL course tonight. A lot of work. And it’s hard to concentrate on Tuesdays. Because they are so NICE.

I’ll just have to deal with those downers, and turn my frown upside down! (I HATE when people say that!). The bright side? I’m only here for another 3 weeks. And the class IS teaching me valuable info about teaching English.

The World's Longest To-Do List

Have you ever had one of those moments where you are absolutely convinced that your brain is going to explode?

I am currently dealing with one. I was freaking out last night about everything that had to be done by the time we leave for China on 2/20. Husband asked that I make a list of everything. Today, I decided to do that.

It is three pages long.

And the only frivolous thing on the list is “Eat lots of cheese”.

Yes, I’m feeling extremely overwhelmed with life right now. There is so much to do, and SO LITTLE TIME!! The person that came up with that phrase knew what they were talking about. It would help if I didn’t feel I was doing this alone. I hope Husband will help with this list, now that it’s made.

Speaking of Husband… I just don’t know what to do. I am beginning to think he is depressed. He cries all the time; he’s extremely pessimistic lately, and he’s been having mini panic attacks (which he never had before). I’m torn. We can’t get our $5000 back for our trip. If we don’t go, he’s filing for divorce immediately. I don’t want this trip to do damage to him emotionally or physically. I truly think this will be a good thing for us. Some people don’t agree with me; I know that. But they aren’t us; they don’t know what I do.

Husband is unique. He never wanted to settle down in a house with a wife, a family, and a “steady” job. He’s adventurous. He loves traveling. Nothing makes him happier than sitting down for a night with a group of entire strangers, and laughing and getting to know each other. He doesn’t care about possessions, or “things”. He used to love me; used to want to have kids, even though he didn’t want to raise them in the traditional sense, necessarily. He’s insanely intelligent. He lacks when it comes to “common sense” things; tax paperwork, bills, mechanical stuff, etc). He just doesn’t care about those things; his mind is on life. Learning new things. He adores studying people groups; learning about tribes in Africa, the Inuit in Canada. He just thirsts for KNOWLEDGE.

And I knew these things when I married him; but I needed to fit into the traditional mold. I tried to steer us in the direction of conventionalism. Not necessarily because I wanted it, but because it’s just what you DO when you get married. He started school, I got a full time job. He worked and studied; we saved, bought nice furniture, acquired “things”. In my quest to fit in to this model of a good household, I completely lost the reasons I married him. Suddenly, his endearing qualities irritated me, because it didn’t fit. He tried so hard, for so long. And he’s given up. I’m changing; really, I am. I am seeing these qualities again; and realizing that I can’t live to please other people. We can’t have kids just because our parents want grandchildren. We can’t work at jobs we don’t enjoy, just so we can buy a house or a nice car. We can’t spend our lives working for something we don’t even want. What do I want more than anything? To go to China. To force myself out of this retarded box I’ve locked myself into. To see him flower into that man he used to be, before I stripped the beauty away. I want to see his passion again when he hears a beautiful song; when he sees a crane flying through the air. When he laughs one of those deep belly laughs because of something a new friend has just said.

There is a new movie coming out, with Jamie Fox and Robert Downey Jr. I’ve seen the previews. Fox plays a man with schizophrenia. He was an AMAZING violinist who studied at Julliard; but once his disease started to take over (disease? Disorder? I’m not always politically correct) he moved to the streets. The movie looks so touching. Downey Jr. becomes genuine friends with this man. At one point, he says something along the lines of “I’ve never seen ANYONE love anything the way he loves music”. And that’s exactly how I feel about Husband; only there are so many things I could put in there. The way he loves music; the way he loves animals; the way he loves nature; the way he loves language… etc. He has this passion no one else in the entire world has. It is so frustrating; and so amazing at the same time.

He has lost all hope. I’ve pushed too far; he doesn’t even see the possibility that I can change. He doesn’t believe my love for him; or my desire to be different. And I half don’t blame him. But I sure wish he just WOULD believe it; because it would make this so much easier.

He could stay, see a psychologist, talk through his issues; but he’s still locked in the monotony of a life he doesn’t want to lead. I truly believe that the ultimate answer to it all is to place him in his element. Take away the pressure of college, of work, and everything else. He can learn a new language, make new friends, study new people, eat new food, see new things. And if I am as strong as I want to be, as I NEED to be, I can start chipping away at his bitterness and doubt. I can start growing as a person, and finding out what it is that I REALLY want; not what I think others want for me. I can be a loving, sweet woman; one that will be there for him and accept him for who he is, without trying to change him.

Seriously, this is a big thing. There are people who think we shouldn’t go. No one knows, of course, that we’re at the point we’re at. But they don’t think we should leave our jobs, our lives here. It seems frivolous, and dangerous. But we need that. When we got married, we were children. We never had a chance to BE frivolous together, or to chase a little excitement. Now we do.

Friends

Friends. I forgot how important they are.

You know what? I didn’t have any for a couple years. After I started dating Husband, and we got married, I buried myself in our relationship. Pushed away the people I loved, I just consumed myself with my marriage and our “future”. This did three VERY damaging things.

1. Pushed my husband away. If you have no friends, and live only for one other person, you become clingy. You don’t have your own interests; and the mystery is gone. If you’re always together, you run out of things to talk about; you’ve experienced it all together, and don’t have anything to share. I lost my identity. I used to be outgoing, funny, INVOLVED. I used to play sports, do drama, go out with friends, bowl, write, sing, laugh… and they made me a more interesting person.
2. They took away my support system. I had a great group of friends who loved me very much; as I pushed them away, I obviously lost that. Sometimes a girl just needs to talk to her girlfriends. There were many times that I wanted that, but had no one to turn to.
3. I hurt my friends. By pushing them away, I severed friendships that meant a lot to several people. I inflicted pain on people I loved.

So now what? I’ve been working on this. I work with my best friend from childhood. We were really distanced for a few years, but things are getting better. I know that I am no longer her best friend; when I fell in love, she had another friend who was there for her and stepped into the role I gave up. I’m so happy for her; but I value our friendship, and I’m happy that we’re getting closer. I have other friends that I’ve been meeting for coffee, and dinners, etc. One of my very best friends and I just had coffee last night. It’s amazing; we’ve changed so much since high school. She’s got a bachelors degree, and is waiting to hear if she has been accepted to an ivy league school this fall. She’s been in and out of three serious relationships; and is currently recovering from a hard, bitter breakup. Sitting across the table from her, I felt comfortable. I feel that many of my co-worker friends don’t really know ME. And that’s my fault. I don’t know who I am right now. But this friend, she’s heard my dirt. She’s held me when I’ve sobbed. She’s hopped on a train with me at age 16 and discovered the wonder of Chicago for a whole weekend. She’s supported me in decisions that no one else has. She’s brought out the adventurous side of me. And even though I’m leaving for the other side of the world, and she’ll probably be living on the other side of the country when I return, we know that we’ll still be there for each other. There was a gap where we didn’t talk for about two years; and when we did finally see each other again, it all fell back into place. Looking into her eyes as we were talking about life, and how hard it is, and how it’s nothing that we expected, I felt… REAL.

Understand the importance of good friends. Yes, the blog world is a great place to find support, understanding, etc., but there is no substitute for a good friend.

Today is my fourth wedding anniversary. We haven’t decided what to do this evening. It is a very bittersweet day. But as I left this morning, I kissed my sleeping husband’s shoulder and decided that today, I am going to celebrate.

People Know I'm Fat.

Exhaustion! That seems to be a normal thing for me now. Today I got to the office at 6:00 am. I’ll be here until 5:00, at which time a friend is dropping me off at the bookstore/café to do homework for 3 hours. Another friend is meeting me at 8:30 for coffee. I expect to be home about 10:00. Should I be doing this? I don’t know. But I’m only here for another month. I have a ton of homework to do, and people to see before I leave for a year. And I need the overtime for money. So I’m just gonna try to tough it out. On top of the busy schedule, Husband is on a muscle relaxant and anti-inflammatory for his soreness from the accident, and he is snoring like a freight train. This is unusual; he’s normally quiet as a mouse. So Amy is sleepy, chubby, and grumpy.

Yesterday, after working 9 hours, my mother picked me up and brought me to the hospital to visit my Florida grandparents, and my aunt (who was there for a hip replacement). We were there for quite some time. By the time we went to the cafeteria to eat dinner (and build a fabulous salad!) The cafeteria was CLOSED. So, my grandparents decided the next best thing was TACO BELL.

So much for a great tasting salad. I ended up with a hard taco, and a Bacon Cheese Gordita Crunch. And diet pepsi. Oh well, yesterday my breakfast and lunch were pretty low calorie; I’m not going to beat myself up too much, because 1. I didn’t gain any weight overnight, and 2. I am feeling pretty darn good about myself.

Why? Because Grandma noticed my weight loss. I only see them once or twice a year, since they (like so many “snowbirds” here in Michigan do) have moved to Florida. They now stay year-round. I saw them about four months ago, when we drove down for my cousin’s wedding. I was at my heaviest, about 239 lbs.
Let me tell you something about these grandparents; I love them very much. VERY much! But, for some reason, though, I always feel the need to impress them; more so than my other set of grandparents. I think it’s almost like we feel here in Michigan that we’re competing with our family members in Florida. Not on purpose; its just a feeling. Anyway, I was scared to death to go to Florida. Most of my family there hadn’t seen me since my wedding, and at that point, I was almost 90 lbs lighter. I was so quiet and embarrassed the whole time. I just felt their eyes on me; wondering what happened, what I’m eating… HOW it happened. I felt the need to continually mention “Yeah, now that I sit in an office all day instead of waitressing and stocking, it’s hard to have the energy to stay active!”. I also ate very little, hoping they would think “it must not be her fault!”
Last night, at a rare moment where it was just Grandma and I, she quietly said “You’re losing weight, aren’t you? I can see it! Especially in your face, and when you stand up”.
I think I grinned like a total idiot. She asked how much I’d lost, and that was the embarrassing part; I’ve lost 23 lbs, and I’m still “obese”. I told her how much, and she smiled and told me great job. It felt wonderful/horrible at the same time. Wonderful because it’s actually visible, and horrible because I still feel so fat.

I wonder whether there was a precise moment that people started thinking of me as fat. I was thinking about this today. A friend of mine made cookies for a coworker’s birthday. I emailed her, telling her “Were you a baker in another life? These are DIVINE”.

She emailed back, stating “Well, I didn’t get this fat because I’m a bad baker, that’s for sure!”
My response? “Well, I’m a terrible baker, and I didn’t have any trouble”.
Her response? “Hee hee”.

Period. Now, I felt a moment of annoyance towards my friend. This was a moment where she did not deny I was fat. Five years ago, if that conversation were to have gone on, the friend would have said “Oh, brother. You are NOT fat”. And I would have smiled and not quite believed her, but felt good that she said it. Now, people know I’m fat. They aren’t going to deny it, or say “Oh, come on, you’re average”, Or “I would LOVE to be your size, quit your whining!”. It’s just a given; I’m fat. People know I’m fat. And I know it; I can’t be mad that OTHER people know it. But, anyhow, it was still one of those light bulb moments.

A Lifetime in China

Habits are changing.

I’ve been trying to make small changes in the way I act, eat, and move. I’m not making big changes. Heck, I’m not making big ENOUGH changes. But I can see changes nonetheless.

I realized this more than ever last night at Subway. My mom and I stopped there before she dropped me off at home (since I am now carless, she is giving me rides home from work sometimes). We used to order the same exact thing:
Footlong white bread with –
-ham
-bacon
-Provolone cheese (plus extra cheese)
-lettuce
-salt and pepper
That’s it. Veggie? I suppose even the iceberg lettuce doesn’t count. I ate this for YEARS. My mom, at 107 pounds, can eat this and be fine. She eats the WHOLE THING! That little featherweight! With her Crohn’s disease, she is really picky about what she eats. Somehow, she can live off of eggs and bacon and be fine; give her an apple or some green beans, and she’s sick for days.
I ordered after her last night, and didn’t even think about what I ordered until later. I got a 6 inch sub on whole wheat bread. Turkey, spinach, pepper jack (if I’m gonna eat cheese, I better taste it!), green peppers, cucumber, black pepper.
I know, not too many veggies; but this is light years better than what I used to have. And it was delicious!
Another thing that made me think this morning? My breakfast. I have oatmeal – a piping hot bowl of wheat germ, rolled oats, flax seed, banana, peanut butter, and butterscotch. It is absolute heaven. I was so excited all morning, and I could hardly WAIT to dig into this special treat. 6 months ago, I’d be eating a huge bowl of Reese’s Crunch, with a candy bar on the side.
Our cupboards are getting bare. Today, I made do with what I could find (seeing as not only do we not have MONEY, but now we don’t have transportation!).
Breakfast: I used the last of my frozen banana for the oatmeal. Luckily, I think I have enough oats to last me a month; I bought a huge container, and I’ve got lots of PB and butterscotch!!
Lunch: Whole wheat pita with peanut butter and laughing cow cheese (yeah, kinda weird… it sounded good last night when I made it!), yogurt cup
Snacks: Fruit leather, homemade mix (cheerios, walnuts, semi-sweet choc chips)
Dinner: I’m going to eat dinner at the hospital with my grandparents, who are visiting my aunt, who is having a hip replacement. Follow that? I am hoping for a great salad bar. One of the blogs I faithfully read, http://www.katheats.com/, showed a seriously amazing looking salad last night. That woman makes everything look delicious. Anyway, I’ve got a hankering for a huge salad.

I was told today to make preparations to leave for China on 2/20/09 – he is 95% sure all systems are go. Why can’t it be one HUNDRED!!! But here we go… packing, moving, studying, saying goodbyes. All complicated by the fact that we have no car. What did people do before cars? Buggies? Horse drawn carriages?

I was talking to an elderly woman who taught English in China for over fifty years (along with missionary work). She is an acquaintance of a coworker of mine. She is now over 80, and living back here in the States. She explained that at the age of 20, single and alone, she packed her few belongings, said goodbye, and hopped on a freighter bound for Shanghai. Her sea voyage took three months. She entered traveled to a small town, and was the only white person her town had ever seen; and it stayed that way for almost a decade. She learned the language, and taught in the school. She worked alongside farmers and shop workers. She shared the word of God, and found her way into the hearts of the people around her. She absolutely fell in love with the people of China; so much so that she did not return to the US for a visit until almost twenty years later.

Talk about amazing. This woman is a fish out of water. She lives in a home with weekly bingo nights, movie nights, and weekly church services. She says she longs for her favorite foods, music, and smells. She misses the melody of the Chinese language; the smiles she received as she walked down the main road. She misses the mountains. She is homesick. It is both encouraging and heartbreaking to talk with her. She has so many fond memories of her life in China. When she speaks about it, her eyes glisten and her mouth curls into the most subtle smile. She tells of her “sisters”, still living the same life in China they always have, and the pets she raised. Of her small home, with one burner, a squat toilet, and sketchy insects that creep their way inside in the spring. She has witnessed the changes that China has gone through in the past fifty years; she watched her roads get paved, apartment buildings built, and tourists start flocking in. But she never lost her love for her “homeland”. She told me that someday, before she dies, she’d like to go home and see her family. My heart breaks for this woman; I know that she will never go back to China. But her spirits are lifted at the thought of the possibility.

Car Accident

Hubby was in a car accident this morning. He said he's fine; but he doesn't have a cell phone, and we only have 1 car.

He says our car is totalled. His dad is going to help him, since I have no wheelz to do so.

I'm stressing. I've cleaned the entire apartment in record time, because I just needed something to DO.

*sigh* we're leaving in a month. I don't know how we'll get to our jobs, get shopping, packing, etc. done...

I suppose God will provide. But for now, I'm just gonna keep cleaning like a madwoman.

The Scale is Too Nice

I haven’t set foot on the scale in several days. Why, may you ask? Because Amy has been a bad, bad girl. She has eaten cookies galore. Burgers, pizza, chocolate. Bagels and donuts. A subway sub thrown in there, but mostly, crap.

Scale this morning? 216.5. I was expecting at least 220. I was baffled.

I do not want to take this as a sign that I can eat junk and maintain. I take this as a sign that if I can eat junk and maintain, I can eat well and lose well. Seriously, if I can eat like a little piggy, and maintain a 23 lb weight loss, why am I not working to lose more? So many people fight so hard just to maintain! I’d be a fool not to take advantage of this. I am leaving for China in 1 month. I am wearing size 18’s. I do not want to have to pack all my 18s, as well as my size 16 pants. I’d rather use the room for more stuff. I want to be down a size by the time we leave. T

he pickle, however, is food. We have no money. We have cupboards full of stuff we are going to have to toss (half full boxes of instant potatoes, an open package of spaghetti, frozen pizzas, etc). Most of it isn’t the healthiest stuff. But we must eat it, and I don’t think we’re doing major grocery shopping again. Yeah, we can donate unopened stuff; but I’m going to have to get creative. Too bad I don’t have fresh produce!

Breakfast: yogurt, cottage cheese, and a fruit leather
Lunch: leftover soup (Bear Creek cheese and broccoli… but I added lima beans, peas, diced ham, and some corn)
Snack: grapes, walnuts
Dinner: A turkey burger on ½ bun with mixed veggies (Brussels sprouts, lima beans, peas, corn)

I think I’ll have another snack in there too, but I’m not sure what…depending on the number of calories, I might even make a small bowl of oatmeal this evening!

What does it mean to “love yourself?”

What does it mean to “love yourself?”

I’ve been thinking about that today. I have decided that for sure, beyond the shadow of a doubt, I do not love myself. There are many factors that played into my determination of this fact. These are not things that I don’t LIKE about myself… there is a difference. The following is EVIDENCE that I don’t love myself.
My weight/body. I do not treat it the way I should. I continue to sabotage my own health, knowing that it is not going to truly make me happy.
I’ve ruined my marriage. Yes, it goes both ways. But largely, it’s my fault. And I do NOT love myself for that. I don’t love myself because I’ve done so much damage, I’m not sure it can be fixed.
I don’t have friends. Yes, there are a few. But I’ve pushed most of them away.
My home. I am a mess. I used to be organized, clean, efficient. Now, I step over clothes and try to figure out when the last time was that I did dishes. I allow myself (and my husband) to live in bad conditions.
I don’t love God the way I should. If I really loved myself, I would be putting the effort into my walk with God that I should be; because it should care to me whether or not I am pleasing God.
I am not honest with myself or others. I do not think that I important enough. When people genuinely ask if I need anything, or someone for support, or someone to listen, I tell them I am fine; even though I’m not fine.


Do you love yourself as much as you should? How much is enough? How much is TOO much? I’ve known multitudes of people who did not love themselves as much as they should. One friend of mine has made multiple suicide attempts throughout his life. They have all been half-hearted. Even that shows that he does not love himself. It was a cry for attention, for someone to show that they cared. He doesn’t eat often; he’s wasting away. He is a genius according to tests, but never went to college because he doesn’t think the effort will make him happy in the end anyway. He doesn’t really date, because he doesn’t want to subject a girl to the hard work a relationship with him would be. He lives a lonely, hungry, cold life; and he doesn’t think he deserves more.

Well… as a Christian, I guess I don’t like throwing around phrases like “love yourself” and “deserves more”. I don’t know what a Christian deserves; or a non-Christian. I don’t know how much a sinner should love themselves. But I do know that everything we get is through God’s grace. And that while I myself am not amazing, I should respect and honor my body as a temple of the Lord; and I have worth in Christ. But sometimes, when life creeps up on you, and pain and trials seem to be drowning you, you forget that.

Can someone love themselves TOO much? Do you know someone who has? I was trying to think of someone; but every time a face popped into my head, I realized that they actually seemed to not love themselves ENOUGH. Take the popular kids in school for example. They spend so much money on clothes, events, friends. They run themselves ragged being “involved”. Girls give themselves to boys too soon so that they will be liked. Boys sacrifice many of their feelings for the sake of being “masculine”. Do they really sound like they truly have too much love for themselves? It sounds like insecurity to me. I can’t think of a single person who genuinely loved themself too much.

*Sigh*

It’s been one of those days. I’ve been at work for a long time, and I’ve been crying to my computer screen. My co-workers have caught some tears, but haven’t said anything; it’s just as well. If someone asked if I was okay, I think the whole dam would collapse. Some days are good. And some days it’s just hard to get out of bed in the morning; hard to get dressed, hard to go to work. Hard to imagine that I’ll have to do this again tomorrow. I know where I should be looking for strength; why the jeepers am I not doing it?

I Can't Think of a Witty Title Today.

Life is much more fulfilling when you are living for others instead of just yourself.

That doesn't mean to completely abandon your own wants and desires; but to a certain extent, you need to; especially as a marriage partner, and especially as a Christian (unless your wants and desires are always genuinely to glorify God... but that isn't me, unfortunately).

Anyway.. an addendum to yesterday's post... my good buddy Debby made some pretty good points in her comment! And, as usual, I wasn't as clear as I wish I was. I'm not always so good at putting into words what I'm feeling; so please excuse me. Hopefully y'all get the gist, and see that I'm sorting through things, and working things out, not trying to offend or anything like that.

Today is a good day. Tuesdays are ALWAYS good days. Why?

The Biggest Loser.

That's right; it's only 10:07 AM and I'm already looking forward to it. Yes, I am a loser. Only not the right type.

Update on the life front? Diet - stagnant. Not gaining, not losing. Not trying hard enough.
Marriage - Decent. Not great. But we've been fighting less, and having a bit more good times than we were for awhile. I'm not fooling myself. But I love him; I'm getting interested in his interests. I am hoping he is seeing that this is a genuine change in me. I'm not happy. But I'm getting happier, at least. It just breaks my heart to see him so hurt and confused. Workin' on it, prayin' on it.
China - tentatively leaving 2/20. I have a feeling it will be "tentative" until we LEAVE. It's stressin' me out. Gave "tentative" 30 day notice to my employer. 30 DAYS. I'm getting really excited/scared out of my freaking mind/stressed. It's a dangerous combo.

Tackling a Big Subject.

Good weekend. For the most part. Very busy, though. Normally, I like that; but I’m a bit exhausted.
Friday: Work, then dinner and a movie
Saturday: worked 6 hours. Went to Barnes and Noble and did homework.
Went to in-laws house for dinner and to watch a movie
Went to karaoke bar for my friend’s birthday. Lots of fun, but we were out really late.
Sunday: I didn’t make it to church. I slept through the morning. Went to grandma and grandpa’s for lunch
And to play some Dirty Queens
Husband didn’t feel too good. We rented some movies and crawled into bed, where we stayed for the evening.

Today I’m feeling tired. I woke up this morning and Husband was sweating, and vomiting. I felt terrible leaving him with just a thermometer, blankets, water, and a bucket, but we need the money and I couldn’t call in (my PTO time is pretty much depleted). So now I’m going to spend my day worrying about him.

Scale says 218. It can’t seem to budge (although I have a feeling it’s because I’ve been cheating way too much).

I had something challenge my worldview majorly last week. I’m a Christian. I am a Christian who believes that homosexuality is wrong. I don’t know if people are predisposed to it or not. Some people say that God wouldn’t create a person to want those things. I say that I have no idea what God would do. We are fallen beings; of course it’s natural for us to desire sinful things. That’s what believers fight to overcome their whole lives.

Anyway, I was watching a show where a very conservative Christian was placed in a home for 30 days with two gay men, and their 3 adopted children. The point of the show was to see whether her views would change after actually spending time with them. She believed that it was wrong, and that homosexuals should not legally be able to adopt children.

I’ve gone back and forth on that topic; I’m not sure what I believe. Same with gay marriage. I believe marriage should be between a man and a woman; that is what God intended, in my personal opinion. There is so much biblical support against homosexuality. But do I think that our government should mandate that? I’m not so sure.

Anyway, the woman never changed her opinions. And I found myself siding with the gay couple. They had a beautiful home, and three wonderful children. They filled the role of “mother” and father very well. They were nurturing, loving, and still strong male figures. In the past, I would have said that that wasn’t what mattered; it’s that a child raised in a gay home would be more likely to be gay. Stereotypical, naïve… I know. But anyway, they brought the woman to visit foster homes and orphanages around their state. They interviewed children that grew up in the system. At one heartbreaking moment, she was speaking with a grown man who had left foster care at 18 a few years before. He showed her the run down place he had lived; gunfights and murders had been around him his whole life. He grew up threatened by gangs. He didn’t have a decent school to attend. He asked her “Do you really think that it’s better to put a child in that situation for their entire life, than to live with these two loving men? Is that loving as God would love?”
Wow. Bang. That just really slammed into me pretty hard. These men taught their children to be sensitive, loving little people. They were polite; they were smart. They were loving. They went to bed clothed, fed, and warm every night, knowing that they were loved.
That other boy went to bed every night hungry, scared and alone. Wondering how it was even possible that there was a loving God.

One of the male parents got very angry with this woman; and I can see why. She stated that yes, she thought the children should be raised the way that grown man was. And he said “These are my CHILDREN. To think that you would wish that pain upon them is appalling. God works in people, whether they have gay parents or not. Your responsibility as a Christian is to love as Christ loved. You are not doing your job”.

Anyway, I know people have strong feelings both ways about this subject. But I’ve changed my mind. I am no longer against homosexuals adopting children. Does that mean that I am no longer against gay marriage, either? I’m not sure. Biblically, I think it’s wrong. But I think a lot of things are wrong; and I don’t want those things made illegal. Our government is not in place to force people to adhere to Christian standards and principles.

Kareoke

Today is a good day.
Yesterday I was exhausted. Husband ended up calling into work to take a personal day; he just didn’t want to go, and asked if I wanted to go to a movie. We went to dinner and a movie (Gran Torino was awesome!). We got along well, and I am finding myself more and more fascinated with him. I got into this rut pretty quickly, where I didn’t look at him in that way anymore. I thought I knew him so well; I’m watching him with new eyes. It’s nice. Anyway, the night went pretty good. No miracle; but we had laughs and smiles.

This morning I got up at the crack of dawn (well, actually, about an hour before that) and came in to the office. I have about 3.5 hours of my 6 hour workday left. Then, I have a date with my pillow for a bit. Tonight I have a birthday celebration for a friend from work; karaoke bar, here we come! Husband is coming. He’s never spent time with me and my work friends. I’m hoping he’ll see another side of me; the fun, funny side of me that I haven’t shown as much recently as I should have.

Will Amy sing? No. Please excuse me while I step up onto my soap box.

Here is a conversation I’ve had probably a dozen times in my life:

Friend: Oh, come on Amy, you’ll have fun.
Amy: No I won’t.
Friend: Once you get up there, you’ll loosen up and go with it.
Amy: No I won’t.
Friend: Come on, there’s got to be SOMETHING! I’m gonna pressure you until you get up there and sing; you know that, right?
Amy: *sighs* Seriously, I don’t want to.
Friend: Trust me. Just try.
Amy: I have. No fun.
Friend: Pick one. NOW.
Amy: (flips grumpily through karaoke book and settles on something terrible that she actually knows, like Olivia Newton John). Fine. But it’s not gonna be fun.

Conversation breaks as Amy gets up on stage and grabs the microphone. Gets instructed not to use THAT microphone. Use the next one over. Her heart is thudding. Mouth is dry. Friends are cheering and Amy is about to throw up. The music starts. It sounds different from the original. Amy panics. Starts in too early. Stands still as a statue, sings pretty well, but awkwardly. Halfway through the song, that high note she forgot about comes up. She tries. It flops. Song ends. Amy puts the mic down and goes back to her seat.

Friend: (looking uncomfortable) Was it as bad as you thought it would be?
Amy: Yes. I’m never doing karaoke again.

Cycle continues.

Chug Chug Chug Chug CHOO CHOO!!!

Scale says 217.5. I don’t blame him; he isn’t the one slacking off. But sometimes I do want to smash him against the wall.

Exhaustion… that’s what I’m feeling. I’ve been to work at 6:30 every day this week, meaning I got up at 5:15-5:30 every morning, and worked until 4:00 – 4:30 pm. We have an online course to finish before we leave for China (February 20!) and we just started it last week. It’s usually a 6 month course, and we are fitting it into 1 month. That means Amy doesn’t get nap time. My brain is fried! Last night the hubby planned on going out after work with some friends. Usually, this means that I lay awake until he gets home; I’m not a great sleeper, and in our studio apartment, I’m always on edge thinking “If I fall asleep, I’m gonna have a heart attack when he comes in our front door” (and that never fails to be true). Figuring I didn’t want to spend another night staring at a computer screen, after doing it for 11 hours at work, I went over to my mom’s and hung out with Mom and sister.

Mario Party for Wii was played, Grey’s Anatomy was watched, and Arby’s was consumed.

I was dropped back home at 11:15 pm. Crawled into bed, set the alarm for 5:15, and laid staring at the ceiling until 2:30, when husband came home.

Today is another long day at work. Afterwards, since I didn’t work on my class yesterday, I am going to be dropped off at Barnes and Noble café to do that all night long. Tomorrow (ON A FREAKING SATURDAY!!) I have to be in the office at 6:00am for another 6 hours of overtime. Honestly, I’m dragging. I used to be able to do this all the time. But now, with the stress of relationship woes, lack of sleep, and stress over leaving the country in a month, my brain is on overload.

Maybe I should take up yoga.

A Bitty Bio

Some info about me!!!

1. What is more difficult: looking into someones eyes when telling how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they tell you how they feel?
Definitely the first one.

2. Think of the last time you were angry. Why were you angry?
My husband told me he was going to be home late tomorrow because he’s going to the bar with my sister’s best friend and after work. They work together. I was angry because I’m jealous and I don’t think it’s appropriate.

3. You will die in three minutes. Last call?
To Jesus.

4. If you could do anything OR wish anything, what would it be?
I would wish for my marriage to be happy.

5. You can have one of the following two things: trust or love?
Trust. If I have the someone’s trust, they can begin to love me.

6. You are walking to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss told you if you are late one more time youre fired. Do you save the dog?
Absolutely; and I’d be praying that it’s a good enough excuse to not get fired. I’d probably bring the dog as proof.

7. Would you or have you ever blackmailed someone?
Yes, and I’m not proud of it.

8. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you do it?

No. The person who died was ready to go, and suffering; one more hour of life would just be another hour that he spent pleading with God to take him home.

9. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
No. I’m going through a personal breakthrough right now, and this is one of the biggest things I’m focusing on.

10. Does sex=love?
No, unfortunately.

11. Are you old fashioned?
Quite a bit so.

12. Would you marry someone if they were unable to have sex?
If I was in love, and felt led, of course.

13. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
The second. I am very quick to tell someone when I love them.

14. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up?
The love of my life.

15. Romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
Last night.

16. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you have "no regrets" what would you change?
I would have worked not to lose myself these past few years. I would have been honest with myself earlier.

17. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?
My husband.

18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
I don’t know – they say not to give CPR if you aren’t trained. I’m not sure if I would for ANYONE. But whether they’re homeless or not wouldn’t be the determining factor.

19. You are holding onto your grandmother's dying hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other which one would it be?
My grandma – otherwise she would kill me if I let the baby go.

20. When and how was the last time you told someone how you REALLY feel?
Yesterday.

If You had three months to live:
21. Do you tell anyone or everyone you are going to die?
Yes, I tell a few close family members and friends.

22. What do you do with your remaining days?
Praying, spending time with loved ones, maybe writing my story.

23. Would you be afraid?
Absolutely.

24. How old are you?
23 years old – 24 in less than a month.

25. Any pets, past or present?
Well, here we go… Don’t say I didn’t warn you…
Scratch – my first love. I had him from age 1 yr – 18 yrs. He was black and white, fluffy, and the biggest cat you’ve ever seen. He slept with me every night. Towards the end, he was thin and frail. My mom’s alcoholic boyfriend ran over him in the driveway. My mom and I sat on the pavement holding him as he screamed; finally we found a number for an animal ER (it was Sunday) and put him down.
Keisha – A rottweiler my mom took home when she found her at a camp site. She ended up being pregnant, had 12 babies. We kept one. They were half rott, mixed with St. Bernard/blue tick hound (most likely).
Luther - the puppy we kept, grew to be 130 lbs. We sold Keisha when she became too aggressive. We gave Luther to family when he got too big, since they had a huge yard in the country. Their home burned to the ground in the middle of the night. Luther woke them up and watched to make sure all 3 kids and cousin and her husband were out safely. He passed out from the smoke and died in the fire. My huge lovable hero.
Smokey and Sheeba: Two kittens my mom brought home from a farm. Brother and sister; so young we had to bottle feed them and wipe their little bottoms for them. Smokey learned to sleep in the toilet bowl if we accidentally left the seat up. Sheeba was the sweetest girl ever. When I got married, I took both of them; but Husband’s allergies got too bad and mom wouldn’t take them back. We gave them to a friend.
Cartman – My sister’s crazy cat. He’s white, and weighs 30 lbs. He is unable to relax unless he’s laying on a plastic bag. He likes to watch the geese from the porch, and eats lots of cheese.
Baloo: Dog after Luther. We only kept him for a year. Mom adopted him from the humane society, but he didn’t get along with the cats. He started peeing and pooing on the furniture. He was adorable, but terrible on a leash, mean to the kitties, and inconsiderate. He went back to the humane society *frown*
Small animals: I love small animals. I’ve had mice, hamsters, a bunny, and a guinea pig.
Yes, my home was a farm. My mom had too big of a heart.

The Biggest Loser is my Homeboy.

The Biggest Loser. Do you love it, or hate it?

I am in the “Absolutely adore the show” boat. I am so excited that another season has started. It’s so encouraging to see these people, and their struggles, and know that they are capable of doing this. Yes, of course they have world class trainers, nutritionists, great doctors watching their every move, all day every day to devote to losing weight… but still, it’s impressive and encouraging.

What do I love most about the show? Seeing myself in the contestants. Seeing a girl crying and throwing a whiny fit, and knowing that she is acting the way I just might act. Seeing their faces beet red; their stretch marks out for the world to see; their IMPERFECTIONS. It is so rare to see that nowadays. You start to think that you’re a freak for being the way you are; but then there they are, people like you. People with body flaws, weakness, low self esteem. And the best part is seeing them change. They get stronger. They get thinner. They get fitter. They get more confident; yes, their appearance is more attractive because they are approaching healthy weights; but it’s also because they are happy. They don’t hunch over and try to hide into the background. They carry themselves differently. I think so much of beauty is in your confidence.

What do I dislike the most about the show? Their emphasis on exercise over eating right. Now I KNOW that these people are eating perfectly balanced meals; but they don’t tell us what they are! I want to know what they eat for breakfast. I want to know if they are catered, or if they learn to cook these things on their own. Oh – and the fact that they make these poor people go shirtless for almost the whole show, and then once they lose the weight, they put them in more flattering clothes. Come on, people – they could have the longer workout shirts to begin with. Don’t make those poor big women climb up there in sports bras.

Yes, they are making bank off of the weight loss crisis in America; but they are also changing the lives of a lot of people.

In soapbox conclusion, I heart the Biggest Loser.

Holiday Pictures

I suppose it is about that time; break out the photos again. Here are some wonderful Christmas tidbits from my crazy family get-together. And just to show my weight loss, I included a pic at my top weight: I was 239 lbs in the picture below. In the rest of the pictures, I was about 214.5 lbs. Not a radical difference, but I can see it in my face.


The picture above is me at the zoo with some friends. That's me in the billowy unflattering top in the front. The teeny chica on the end is 100 lb Ashley. I try to pretend she was really far away in this picture.
To the left is my cousin's son Jakop (Do not ask.. they knew what they were doing when they spelled it this way. It's just that NO ONE ELSE DOES. And that impossibly cute/pretty girl cuddling him is my sister, Becca.











These are my parents dancing. My divorced parents. We are a very wierd family.




This is my dad, holding his holiday cheer. Sister and Dad are wearing unplanned but nevertheless matching shirts.




This is sister, tackling small frail mother. Sister is probably 125 lbs and 5'3. Mom is 5'5 and 105 pounds soaking wet. I feel the stick on my end was a bit short...

This is Husband, kissing a little too eagerly. I am, however, happy with my new glasses; and slightly shrunken double chin.

My other cousin's son Brennan got a sticker book. Stickers went on cheeks instead of in books. Don't I look thrilled.

Recieving my sticker of honor. That sexy thug next to me is Husband. I especially like when he pushes his sleeves up like that. He tried growing his hair out for me once; but the edge was lost.

Ah, that ever present can of holiday cheer. He wore it with pride. I got my... stockiness from my father, as you can see.

Little mommy, cuddled up to older daughter. That pink top Mom is wearing used to be mine. Imagine that. My mom gets my hand-me-downs when I outgrow them.

Amy Jo is getting tuckered out. And her face is looking a bit too round.

Some days I'm seriously feel like I've dropped 20 pounds; but then sometimes, I can't tell the difference. I do know that I feel better when I've styled my hair, put on a bit of makeup, and taken pride in my appearance. I'm learning to dress in a way that is more flattering. My shorter haircut makes my face look less pudgy. I think I look thinner in my cute new glasses. All sorts of little things make me feel better about myself. Today I am back down to 217 after the "Great Christmas Gain". 5 lbs more and I'll be back to where I was before these horrible holidays. This is a serious struggle; but it feels amazing to be packing away my size 20's and feeling a bit of room in my 18's. I love seeing that my belly isn't hanging over my pants as much; and that my chin isn't so flabby. I like that I am able to get my rings on and off; I haven't been able to do that in a year! I like feeling healthier; feeling more flexible. When you've got rolls, you can only twist and bend so much. Things are hard; but this is rewarding.

Dinner tonight? 1 Lean cuisine chicken flatbread and a salad. Our stove isn't working (go figure) and maintenance is "busy". But hey, a microwave can still give a healthy meal!