Yesterday was a good day.

I woke up and got to the office by 7:00. I immediately drank 2 glasses of water. At 8:00, I had a slimfast. At 10, I had an apple and a glass of water. I did leg lifts at my desk (really, what else can you do? Walk to the printer, to the bathroom… around the ring of cublicles). For lunch at 12:15 I had another slimfast and an orange, with water. I went home at 3:30, and did some stuff… drank some water. Then Matthew had to leave for work, and I decided I didn’t want to stick around home all night. Since he was going to be getting out at 9:00, I decided to have him drop me off at the mall. I ate dinner at 5:00. I had steamed rice, orange chicken, and steamed veggies with a glass of water. At about 8:00 I stopped at subway and got *gasp* apples and a small diet coke. Am I self-controlled or what? At least for one day. I walked around the mall all night, trying on funky dresses and cute tops. I got my exercise, and enjoyed myself. And the only thing I bought was a new sports bra!

What did I do that I could have done better? The first thing I think people would mention is that SlimFast isn’t the way to go; I should just eat more whole grains, produce, chicken, salads, veggies, blah blah blah. In a normal world, that would be best. But right now I need to be more disciplined, and have an easy plan. If I were to try to stick with that stuff, I’d end up eating too much and adding in pointless calories (ranch dressing, butter sauce…). I need to get myself away from all of those things for awhile. Once I see that I can start losing weight, I think seeing a change will spur me on.

I do see that I need more veggies, though. My day had a lot of fruit, but only 1 serving of veggies. So today I have an apple at work, and also some celery and carrot sticks. I think I will have broccoli with dinner tonight.

Also, orange chicken and steamed rice are not the best choices. Brown rice would have been better, but they didn’t have any. I figured steamed rice is better than fried rice. As for the chicken, it was breaded.. not too healthy. I was planning on getting the lower-calorie unbreaded bourbon chicken, but they weren’t serving it, and I caved.

Best of all? I am down 2 pounds from 3 days ago. To be honest though, I did start my period yesterday, which could have something to do with it.

I want to share with you a memory of my childhood that will always be seared into my memory.
I was a skinny child, right up until 5th grade. 5th grade was when I packed on a TON of weight. My parents divorced in 4th grade and I took it very hard. My dad moved in with grandma and grandpa. I visited them every other weekend, and every Wednesday. I ate muffins, pies, icecream, buttered popcorn. My grandma was heartbroken as well, and she would serve me 3 pieces of apple pie in a sitting. She’d send me and my little sister home wih baked goods every time. I started eating at home all the time. I went from being in childrens sizes in 5th grade, to wearing a women’s size 16 the summer before 6th grade. I was 186 pounds. My grandma brought me shopping for a new school outfit. I was so excited, and didn’t even realize how big I had gotten. I was a little girl! I went shopping, and found what I thought was the perfect outfit. The shirt was a collared t-shirt with stripes that met in a V in front. The stripes were brown, light brown, pea green, and bright green. To be fair, it was stylish at that point in time. I also bought corduroy pants, which were in style. I didn’t really know HOW to do style, though. So I got a pair of brown size 16 pants that were really tight around my ankles. I also got a pair of VANS skater shoes.

I looked ridiculous. Looking back now, I am so embarrassed and sad for myself. I showed up for my first day of middle school and immediately set myself up to be ridiculed. I was fat, and now I wore ugly clothes. I was also very shy, and didn’t have many friends. I was a cutter. Do you know what that is? Some people don’t. I would cut myself or scratch myself to cause pain. Mostly on my arms. A lot of people say they do it “to make the emotional pain go away”. I don’t think there was ever a conscious reason why I did it. I didn’t even realize I was doing it; but it started right after the divorce. I didn’t even HEAR about what cutting was until 8th grade, and yet I did it.

I often wonder what my life would have been like if I had never put on that initial weight. The summer before 8th grade I dropped a ton of weight and got down to 130 pounds. I didn’t really make any changes to my diet that I know of, I must have just hit puberty; but the damage was already done. The popular girls already saw me as a loser, and I had made myself a group of friends out of the misfits in school. It was horrible; we were all embarrassed that we were friends with each other, but we needed friends. Kids can be so horrible. I could be so horrible. In high school I joined the tennis team and sang in choir. I joined some clubs, and started to make my way up the social ladder. By the time I graduated I was one of those people right in the middle. Not popular, but the popular people would joke and laugh with me, and ask me how I was doing instead of putting gum in my hair in class (as two girls did in 7th grade).

If I had started in the middle, would I have worked my way up? If I hadn’t found comfort in food in 5th grade, would I turn to food now for comfort? If my parents hadn’t divorced, would I be skinny and beautiful now like my mom and sister are? My mom is 5’5 and 115 lbs. My sister is 5’2 and 125 lbs, and a total knockout. She’s 21 and has this perfect body and skin, and gets all da boys (not that I want all da boys, I caught myself the best one already. But it would be nice to feel like I COULD, ya know?). I love her to death, but I have been jealous of her for years. I am almost double her size. I AM double my mom’s size.

I want to get to the root of my issues, so that I can fix them. But I’m afraid of what I’ll find when I get there. I’ve quit cutting. I still binge on food quite often. I do have friends, although not as many as I’d like. I pushed them away when I was 18 and started dating my husband. We were completely focused on each other for the first couple years. Now I am clingy and whiney and dependant on him. I’m working on that, though. I know that I’m pushing him away by being that way. And on top of that, I feel so unattractive that our love life is seriously dwindling. He tells me I’m gorgeous at any size, but I just can’t believe that. I look at myself and think “where are those high cheekbones my mom has always complimented me on? Where is my delicate jaw? Where is the hourglass figure I had in high school? Why does my butt sag now, when I used to have this blam-in-your-face J Lo booty? Why can’t my favorite Bad Duck shirt not fit anymore?”

*sigh*. It’s a work in progress. And research in progress, I suppose.