Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Optimism

219 again. I ate a little better yesterday, but not much. I just didn’t want to cook.

Breakfast – cottage cheese and applesauce
Lunch – a few carrots and lima beans, yogurt
Dinner – some ribs my mom brought over, along with some Brussels sprouts
Snack – 2 oreos from the break room

I know I need to eat better, because I am punishing my body. My weight loss will stall and my metabolism will slow down; it’s just hard, because I don’t want to cook, and shop, and clean veggies, and make oatmeal – I want to lie in bed all day and cry. We’re still planning on going to China; I am really hoping that we are able to go in March. I feel like I’ve lost all hope in “us”, and I know that he has; but for me, marriage is not an option. And unhappy marriage is also not an option. I want to improve myself, and our relationship. I want us to love each other wholeheartedly again, and find joy in being together. I want there not to be rifts and gaps between us. But the trust? That’s a hard one. That’s a very hard one. And what do you do when your partner has simply become indifferent towards you? Not flinching when they deliver heart wrenching news, not blinking when you are sobbing, not touching you at all when all you need is to be held; it’s like his heart is gone. The sweet man I fell in love with has been replaced by this unfeeling THING that shows no emotions, no compassion. It’s hard to want to be in love with that man; and how do I go about getting that man to fall back into love with me? Is it hopeless? *sigh*

I have better diet plans today, hopefully. I still didn’t get up and make my oatmeal; but I have cottage cheese and applesauce for breakfast, along with a vitamin and a banana. I brought a lean cuisine and some carrots along for lunch. I plan on having an afternoon snack of leftover Brussels sprouts, along with some walnuts. Dinner will be something substantial; maybe some baked chicken and veggies, and a sweet potato. I owe it to my body and to myself to keep up on my quest for better health. I can’t give up simply because I’m sad.

One thing that made me crack a smile yesterday? I fit into a pair of my old size 18 jeans. That means I am VERY close to being able to shop at New York & Company again for pants – they often go up to an 18, but seem to run a little smaller than most. I am losing a lot of it in my belly, which is making all of my pants more comfortable. I can sit down without having my waistband cut into me. I really do think that the healthier and fitter I get, the happier I will be. And the happier and more confident I am, the more desirable I will become to Husband. Optimism, here I come.

1 comment:

debbyweighsin said...

Oh, Amy, I am so sorry. And I am sorry I haven't checked on you for a couple of days. If there is anything I can do, let me know. Since I have never been married, I probably can't do/say much in that department. I do think that your optimism is a positve in this situation.

On the lighter side, "Oh, the joys of being young." When I was your age and I lost weight, that is exactly where I lost weight too-my middle. Now, not so much. I take a little comfort in the fact that I have more of a waist than most women my age.