Zombie

Today, I am a zombie. I got 4 hours of sleep last night, and this morning my eyes are puffy, my head is pounding, and I keep nodding off! NOT a good way to start the day. Plus, I forgot to bring breakfast AND lunch to work. I’ll have to be creative; I have no car to go pick something up.

Diet is kaput. I haven’t weighed myself in a couple days; three days ago, though, I was 221 lbs. That’s a 7 lb gain this month. And I haven’t changed things. I know I need to; I feel tired, dizzy, and sick. My body hates fast food and candy. It’s in veggie withdrawal. Why do I do this to myself? *sigh* But today is a new day. A new day.

Yesterday’s love dare? Ask your spouse to name three things that irritate them about you.

I knew it would not go over well. He looked at me like I was crazy, then like he was offended. I explained that I just wanted to know three things that I could work on. He told me there’s no point in working on anything, it won’t make a difference; and anyway, he’s told me all the things that irritate him already, I should know the answer to that question. I was actually thinking the same thing before I asked, but I didn’t feel right skipping that day’s dare. We fell into a very emotional, tearful heart-to-heart. I feel like a weight has been lifted; we didn’t argue, or get angry. I even felt some sympathy from him at one point; he’s seemed so cold and distant lately, it was nice to see compassion. I made sure he knows I still love him, and I am working to become a better wife; that I couldn’t imagine life without him. Sadly, he shared that it’s not that he’s figuring out IF he wants to leave me; it’s a matter of WHEN he will have the guts to actually do it. He said he didn’t see the point in going to China. It wouldn’t change anything, and he wants to leave. He doesn’t want to give our relationship more time.

A lot of people have counseled us not to go; close friends that know we’re having trouble. I’ve prayed about this, and thought hard. I came to the conclusion about a week ago that we NEED to do this. I need to have one last chance to see if anything can change. I still love him. I know that I’ve made mistakes, and that I continued making them, and hurting him. And I’ve stopped them. But he hasn’t had a chance to see what life is like with me DIFFERENT. And if we don’t go to China in 1.5 months, he will be gone in 2 months. If we go, we have 10 more months really think about this. I don’t want 4 years of marriage to be thrown away without giving it the time, work, and effort it deserves. I need to TRY.

I explained my feelings last night. He moaned, cried, complained. It was heart breaking knowing that I was arguing for my last chance. That if China doesn’t happen, our marriage ends almost immediately. Those are high stakes. In the end, he promised me that he will go; we’ve already put a lot of money into this trip, as have our families. We’ve sold many of our belongings, and I’ve put in notice at work. And he admitted that even if he doesn’t love me, it will be an amazing experience culturally.

Will it be hard, not having anyone? Having only him as an English-speaking companion? Absolutely. Will there be many lonely, sad nights? Of course there will be. But I am not giving up this marriage without a fight. A loving, compassionate fight.