Wednesday, January 21, 2009

People Know I'm Fat.

Exhaustion! That seems to be a normal thing for me now. Today I got to the office at 6:00 am. I’ll be here until 5:00, at which time a friend is dropping me off at the bookstore/café to do homework for 3 hours. Another friend is meeting me at 8:30 for coffee. I expect to be home about 10:00. Should I be doing this? I don’t know. But I’m only here for another month. I have a ton of homework to do, and people to see before I leave for a year. And I need the overtime for money. So I’m just gonna try to tough it out. On top of the busy schedule, Husband is on a muscle relaxant and anti-inflammatory for his soreness from the accident, and he is snoring like a freight train. This is unusual; he’s normally quiet as a mouse. So Amy is sleepy, chubby, and grumpy.

Yesterday, after working 9 hours, my mother picked me up and brought me to the hospital to visit my Florida grandparents, and my aunt (who was there for a hip replacement). We were there for quite some time. By the time we went to the cafeteria to eat dinner (and build a fabulous salad!) The cafeteria was CLOSED. So, my grandparents decided the next best thing was TACO BELL.

So much for a great tasting salad. I ended up with a hard taco, and a Bacon Cheese Gordita Crunch. And diet pepsi. Oh well, yesterday my breakfast and lunch were pretty low calorie; I’m not going to beat myself up too much, because 1. I didn’t gain any weight overnight, and 2. I am feeling pretty darn good about myself.

Why? Because Grandma noticed my weight loss. I only see them once or twice a year, since they (like so many “snowbirds” here in Michigan do) have moved to Florida. They now stay year-round. I saw them about four months ago, when we drove down for my cousin’s wedding. I was at my heaviest, about 239 lbs.
Let me tell you something about these grandparents; I love them very much. VERY much! But, for some reason, though, I always feel the need to impress them; more so than my other set of grandparents. I think it’s almost like we feel here in Michigan that we’re competing with our family members in Florida. Not on purpose; its just a feeling. Anyway, I was scared to death to go to Florida. Most of my family there hadn’t seen me since my wedding, and at that point, I was almost 90 lbs lighter. I was so quiet and embarrassed the whole time. I just felt their eyes on me; wondering what happened, what I’m eating… HOW it happened. I felt the need to continually mention “Yeah, now that I sit in an office all day instead of waitressing and stocking, it’s hard to have the energy to stay active!”. I also ate very little, hoping they would think “it must not be her fault!”
Last night, at a rare moment where it was just Grandma and I, she quietly said “You’re losing weight, aren’t you? I can see it! Especially in your face, and when you stand up”.
I think I grinned like a total idiot. She asked how much I’d lost, and that was the embarrassing part; I’ve lost 23 lbs, and I’m still “obese”. I told her how much, and she smiled and told me great job. It felt wonderful/horrible at the same time. Wonderful because it’s actually visible, and horrible because I still feel so fat.

I wonder whether there was a precise moment that people started thinking of me as fat. I was thinking about this today. A friend of mine made cookies for a coworker’s birthday. I emailed her, telling her “Were you a baker in another life? These are DIVINE”.

She emailed back, stating “Well, I didn’t get this fat because I’m a bad baker, that’s for sure!”
My response? “Well, I’m a terrible baker, and I didn’t have any trouble”.
Her response? “Hee hee”.

Period. Now, I felt a moment of annoyance towards my friend. This was a moment where she did not deny I was fat. Five years ago, if that conversation were to have gone on, the friend would have said “Oh, brother. You are NOT fat”. And I would have smiled and not quite believed her, but felt good that she said it. Now, people know I’m fat. They aren’t going to deny it, or say “Oh, come on, you’re average”, Or “I would LOVE to be your size, quit your whining!”. It’s just a given; I’m fat. People know I’m fat. And I know it; I can’t be mad that OTHER people know it. But, anyhow, it was still one of those light bulb moments.

1 comment:

debby said...

Amy Jo, you sure have a lot of insights in a 24 hour period! Well, generally I am really a proponent of getting enough sleep, but I guess if its for a short period of time....just remember, that it can lead to depression so easily, and give yourself some grace when you start feeling down. And, lack of sleep is also tied to lack of weight loss. I would really do whatever I could to get 7-8 hours of sleep most nights. (on the days I work, I only get 6 hours at most.)