Thursday, December 18, 2008

Black Out

Today, sickie was in the office at 6:30 AM. At 6:45, the lights went out. The computer shut off. The caller ID went blank. All was dark, and all was quiet in that little medical billing office.
It stayed that way for 3 hours. Amy filed medical charts. She took staples out of paperwork. She filled our VA forms. She pretended to work. She pretended to pretend to work. Finally, she asked to go home.

This is how I once again am sitting at home at 10:10AM. I got sick of being paid to do nothing (me and my darn concience). The power outage had several people sitting, enjoying Panera bagels and Starbucks. I admit, I gave in to a low-carb asiago cheese bagel. I ate half, with cream cheese.

Anyway, today I am 215.5 pounds. Why the .5 lb gainage, do you ask? Let me explain.

I was a bad girl.

Yesterday I went to the mall for the evening. I was stir-crazy, and feeling spritely. So far that day I had had a bowl of cheerios and some chocolate mousse yoplait yogurt (my favorite EVER. It's fabulous... but at 160 calories, not exactly the best choice). We stopped at Wendy's and I had 1 spicy chicken wrap and a small fry. Not terrible, but not a good idea.
I decided to go to a movie. I hit the mall candy store to get cheaper munchies (should not have). I got a small box of junior mints, and a 5 package of Rolos. I then also got a chocolate mocha at the movie. More on the movie later... but afterwards, I wandered, tried on dresses again (I like doing this once a week, it makes me feel good to look cute, and to know that I'm shrinking!). I finally found my footing and got a light dinner of 1 tossed salad (with carrots, cucumbers, green peppers, and broccoli, with rasberry vinigrette) and a bowl of fresh fruit. yuuummmmm....

Anyway, the movie I saw was The Duchess. I did not expect much of this movie, but it was the cheap movie for the night ($3.50). I was suprised to find that I was in tears through much of the movie.
The story is of a woman who marries very young, and soon finds out that she is in a loveless marriage. Her husband is a Duke (obviously), and wants only to get an heir from her. He takes on mistresses, and makes his wife raise a daughter he fathered with a maid that passed away. The story follows her life, her struggles with concieving a son (she has two girls), and her love story with another man. I don't approve of adultry, so that part of the story made me feel less for her, but I connected intensely in many areas.
There is one part towards the end of the movie that had me in serious tears. (Don't read this if you don't want to know the ending!). Her husband tells her that if she continues her affair (even though he is fine with all of his dalliances) he will kick her out and make sure her children never see her again. She chooses to stay with him and break things off with the man she loves. She knows she is entering into a life of sadness. The two of them are sitting together, and her husband tells her that he wants things to work out. He is still cold, still unloving. But he places his hand on hers very lightly. Her eyes tear up, and you can see the moment of decision on her face. She places her hand over his, and then they break apart and go their separate ways. They do not love each other. But they stay together.

Do I want this? Of course not. Do I think that this will be how my marriage continues? I pray it won't. BUT, I know that feeling that she had when he touched her, because I've felt it recently. I feel it when my husband holds my hand at the mall, or when he touches the small of my back as I walk through a door. He does not love me, but the contact gives me comfort. And I can continue. And I will continue. And if I can't find love from him, I will not search for it in another man; I will search for it in God. And God will give me the strength I need to glorify him in my role as a wife to my husband. I will give him my love, and I will give him the respect that God demands I give him.

I am not going to blog about my marriage for the next week; I am going to pray, and work at it, and talk to my pastor friend. We'll see if that makes a difference.

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