Monday, December 15, 2008

Playing Hookie

Or is it hooky? I never did know that...

This weekend was full of ups and downs. Friday, Husband came to pick me up at Barnes and Noble after he got off of work. I had had a good night reading magazines and cookbooks, and his parents had shown up to do some shopping (in case you didn't know, the Barnes and Noble Cafe is one awesome place.. for losers like us *wink*). He came with news that he was going to the bar with people from work and I could come, or I could stay home and he would go. This put me in a predicament; do I go, when I know it's just going to be a bunch of people getting drunk, or do I stay home and pray that he isn't one of the ones driving home? This whole "change" he is going through is very hard for me. I don't know where my place is, and its so hard to see him now around other people. He never used to swear, he used to be sweet, polite... now he drops F-bombs everywhere and bad-talks the guys he works with, tries to get me to act in ways I don't feel confortable acting. It's hard. Do I avoid it, or do I be there for him and show that I'm trying to be a part of this new "life" of his?
I made my choice; I went. His friends were drunk before we even got there. It was a few hours of drunk people milling around, and watching vampire-looking girls rubbing up on guys that were pinned up against walls. The club was so loud you couldn't hold conversations, and there was nowhere to sit, so we kind of all split up anyway. The only person we really talked to was a girl he works with that I'm already jealous of. He talks about her nonstop, and knows all of her relationship woes with her boyfriend, which only makes me think she must also know ours. We went home at about 1:30. I don't understand why that is fun. And I definitely wonder what would have happened had he gone without me. But I tried to keep that to myself, because I'm trying to foster peace here, not open more cans o'worms.
Saturday we finished our Christmas shopping; we spend a couple hours at the mall, braving the crowds and the toy store. We went to see Bolt, the new animated movie about a superhero dog. This was Husband's choice; it was cute, and funny, but not as wonderful as chick flicks always are.
Sunday I got up and went to church. That's right, I actually did it. My mother-in-law picked me up, and we went to a new church together. It was okay, but not what I'm looking for. It was very similar to the church that I left. It was nice to go again, though. I missed the music and the feeling of fellowship that being gathered with other believers gives me. We decided that we'll keep looking, but won't be looking together anymore. Husband mentioned to me that morning that he feels uncomfortable about going with the two of us, so I want to make it so that if he wants to go, he can without feeling that way. Also, the two of us (mom and I) are looking for something very different, and I don't think our searches are very compatible. But it was nice!
Husband and I then did more shopping: Target, and grocery shopping, along with yet another movie. It was nice, we came home, and watched some Star Trek and Funniest Home Videos. All in all, a busy weekend; and somewhat heartbreaking.

I thought things were getting better; Husband was smiling more, we were doing things together, he was kissing me a bit more, holding my hand. He's been more talkative. I really thought we were getting somewhere; and he shared that nothing has changed. He isn't in love with me, and he can't stand me. He has a hard time not getting angry when I talk, no matter what I say. When he likes something, and shares it with me, he automatically stops liking that thing (he can't explain this). He doesn't want to touch me, but does it so that he doesn't have to deal with explaining why he won't. He has to force himself to ask me how my day was, or how I'm feeling (I've been sick). Basically, he can't stand me... still. Maybe even more so. My heart is just shattering, and I don't know how to handle this. I don't know if it's salvagable. He says he should never have married me, and that he isn't sure why we're still together, except that he doesn't want to deal with the backlash of splitting up. I don't know what to do. Obviously, I'm not happy. How could a person be happy in this situation? I'm trying to put my faith in God; but that doesn't make this hard situation disapear. Should I fight this? I hated my parents for divorcing. I always said that any marriage can be saved. I was NEVER going to divorce. But can I really face a possibly loveless marriage for the rest of my life? Being married to a man who cringes when we make contact, who grimaces in the morning when I say "good morning?". Knowing that he would be happier without me?
I'm going to keep trying, because I don't know what else to do. I can't imagine life without him; we've been married for 4 years, and I was still a child when we married. I don't know how to be an adult without him, or to picture my future without him. I can't imagine sharing a life with someone else, or being alone. I want his babies; I want to be 40-somethings together. I want to grow old together; but I want us to be happy.

Anyway, there's my relationship vent (sometimes I just need that). Diet wise? I was a terrible person this weekend.

Friday: Oatmeal, chocolate cupcake, grilled club and soup from Barnes and Noble, cheesecake, Wendy's snack wrap and fries, 2 long islands.
Saturday: oatmeal, bourbon chicken with veggies at the mall, large Georgia Mud Fudge Blizzard from DQ, large popcorn at movies, large pop. Taco bell (1 crunchwrap, 1 taco).
Sunday: Carnation Instant Breakfast, chips, queso, and large burrito from Moe's Grill, 1 dove candybar, half a package of cinnamon-roasted almonds (those Chrismassy ones from the mall), then a sampler platter for dinner (laughing cow cheese, triscuits, carrots, green beans, hummus, cherries, turkey pepperoni).

The damage done? -1 pound. That's right, I'm 216. LIGHTER than when the weekend started. This is seriously damaging to my worldview. EVERY TIME I eat junk, I lose weight. When I diet all week long, Nothing happens. I know it's probably all that hard work kicking in later, but it sure makes me wanna binge!

216 is my lowest, but I've been here before a couple weeks ago. I am gonna fight this week to find some new numbers.

1 comment:

debbyweighsin said...

Hi Amy Jo, I've been thinking about this post since I read it yesterday morning. This situation just seems horrifying to me. What stress to be under. I don't really want to give you advice, but I think you need to find someone--pastor, marriage counselor?--to get some good advice from.

I personally don't think you should encourage his bad behavior in any way, and you should not accept being disrespected by him. In the long run, doing either of those things is not loving.

I can't imagine going to a foreign country with someone treating me like this. I actually can't even imagine going to a movie with someone treating me like this.

I really hope you will not get pregnant before you settle this.

I hope I have not said too much. I just worry for you.