Diet? Today I am 219 lbs. .5 lbs lighter than yesterday. But I still did poorly. It’s like there’s this other person that takes over. Amy is a determined, strong woman who is taking control of her life and her health. But then this nasty, wicked little person comes swooping in and shoves chocolate and haystack cookies in my mouth. I ate 4 of those cookies yesterday. 2 for breakfast, and 2 later. I cleaned the kitchen a bit, and in a moment of strength, slid all the leftover cookies into the trash can. I was going to bring them to work today, but I know I would have eaten more last night.
No matter, I found other ways to sabotage myself. I ate 3 mini-candy bars. I ate a bag of chocolate “High School Musical” coins my mom gave me (don’t ask). I had laughing cow and triscuits. I ate 1 piece of fudge (although that “piece” was about 2 inches by 4 inches). I decided I had had enough calories, so I was just going to have some slimfast and a tiny bit of leftover oatmeal for dinner. Then, once again, the evil took over and I put oil and hash browns in the frying pan, then slathered them with margarine and ate that. Then another candy bar. *sigh* I have a problem. And when I’m stressed, or hurting, it is so much worse. At least in China, I won’t have all that stuff so easily accessible!
Day 2 of the Love Dare went well. Husband didn’t mention the cleaning when he got home from his first job, just came in and took a nap. Which he needed. Before I went to bed, I wrote a long, sad entry in my daily journal, discouraged that this is not going to work. Yes, there was a pity party and I was the only one who attended. But then, at 12:30am when he got home (Mondays he comes home late), he thanked me out of nowhere for all the work I did. My heart grew really big and I felt loads better. I know we have a LONG LONG LONG way to go… but I’m optimistic. He’s teaching himself to beatbox, and he’s already really good! It’s nice to see him happy, and excited about something new. And he’s been sharing it with me, which makes me happy to no end. No, I don’t beatbox; no, I don’t have a huge interest in hearing it in normal situations. But I do have a huge interest in his happiness, and in listening to his interests, and showing him that I love him, and want to share with him the things he’s passionate about. I couldn’t have said that a month ago; but now I mean it. And it’s freeing.
Day 3’s dare? To buy something for my husband that tells him I was thinking of him. He takes the car to work, so I can’t drive myself anywhere today. I have two choices; I can either a)buy him a candy bar out of the office vending machine, or b) have him drop me off at the mall for some walking and window shopping, and find something there. I don’t want to do this halfway. I’m exhausted, and my lady time is starting today, so I’ve got cramps; but buying a candy bar is a cop-out. And more than that, it’s not even that great, because I bring him food often, and he has a bunch of snacks left from Christmas. This is my marriage, and our happiness on the line; I’m putting everything in that I can. So the mall it is!