Today, I Am Encouraged.

First, I would like to give a thankyou to my dear blog friend, Debby from http://debbyweighsin.wordpress.com/. After reading a comment from her, my heart was heavy, knowing that I needed support from a different source than simply myself and this blog. I am not regularly attending a church, and do not have a pastor that I can go to. I do not have the money for marriage counseling; but I do have a dear dear friend who is a pastor's wife, and I've turned to her and her husband for some godly advice.
The answer was so simple; she just flipped open the Bible, and let God guide me through a passage in 1 Peter. We were reading the Message. This is technically a paraphrasing of the Bible, but more understandable. I know this passage in KJV and NSV, so reading it in this different format effected me in a different way.

1 Peter 3
1-4The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition.
4-6Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in. The holy women of old were beautiful before God that way, and were good, loyal wives to their husbands. Sarah, for instance, taking care of Abraham, would address him as "my dear husband." You'll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unanxious and unintimidated.
8-12Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless—that's your job, to bless. You'll be a blessing and also get a blessing. Whoever wants to embrace life and see the day fill up with good, Here's what you do:
Say nothing evil or hurtful;
Snub evil and cultivate good;
run after peace for all you're worth.
God looks on all this with approval,
listening and responding well to what he's asked;
But he turns his back on those who do evil things.
13-18If with heart and soul you're doing good, do you think you can be stopped? Even if you suffer for it, you're still better off. Don't give the opposition a second thought. Through thick and thin, keep your hearts at attention, in adoration before Christ, your Master. Be ready to speak up and tell anyone who asks why you're living the way you are, and always with the utmost courtesy. Keep a clear conscience before God so that when people throw mud at you, none of it will stick. They'll end up realizing that they're the ones who need a bath. It's better to suffer for doing good, if that's what God wants, than to be punished for doing bad. That's what Christ did definitively: suffered because of others' sins, the Righteous One for the unrighteous ones. He went through it all—was put to death and then made alive—to bring us to God.

I'm letting go. I'm going to love my husband with everything I have in me; but I am going to love and serve my Lord, first and foremost. He will guide me. I will continue to seek godly guidance, and to focus on doing good. I am going to be a light for my husband. I am going to focus on growing in the Lord, and on putting my trust in him.

I know not everyone is a Christian; and I don't know if any "lurkers" read this, or if it's just my own small audience. To non-believers, this may sound crazy. But to me, it sounds like peace. It sounds like a haven in the darkness. It sounds like I'm finally running to my Father instead of trying to find strength within myself that I simply do not have.

This is a Phillips, Craig, and Dean song that my husband introduced me to in high school, when we were best friends. I found such comfort in this song when I was struggling. Today I pulled the music up and focused on the lyrics. I found again the comfort that God gave me so many years ago.

WHEN GOD RAN
Almighty God,
the great I am
Immovable rock, omnipotent, powerful,
awesome Lord
Victorious warrior,
commanding King of Kings
Mighty conqueror,
and the only time
the only time I ever saw Him run
CHORUS:
Was when He ran to me,
He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest,
said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face,
wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said,“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise when God ran

The day I left home I knew I’d broken His heart
And I wondered then if things could ever be the same
Then one night I remembered His love for me
And down that dusty road ahead I could see
It was the only time – it was the only time I ever saw Him run
And then He ran to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest,
said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face,
wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said,“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise
as He brought me to my knees
When God ran – I saw Him run to me

One more comment, although I know this is long.
Last night I watched the Biggest Loser. That show amazes me. I was sitting on my bed, dipping my fresh cherries in my chocolate yogurt, thoroughly enjoying my healthy, decadent evening snack. I was laughing with these people, crying with them. I get so INTO the show. These are real people, accomplishing things they only dreamed of. One thing that Jillian said absolutely bowled me over; she said
"In order to truly be successful in weight loss, you have to first tackle the other inner demons".
I saw that through Michelle's struggle with her mother on the show, and through many of the other contestants. I started thinking about how hard it is to focus on me, on improving my feeling of self-worth and self-confidence when I'm constantly having to battle with my husband. When I've started to develop a little sprout of hope, or confidence, it's immediately dashed. In order for me to be able to be successful in my weight loss, I need to put more effort into that other problem area in my life. I am not going to find what I want inside of me; I will not find it from my other half, either. I must find my worth in Christ. i must find my strength to get healthier in Christ, as well as my strength to be a loving and GODLY wife in Christ. It sounds so simple; yet I feel like I'm preparing for the toughest battle of my life. But I'm putting on my armor, and stepping up.